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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that some people just give off a 'snobby vibe'?

77 replies

Efalino · 03/08/2023 17:28

So DD has got herself a new boyfriend (both young adults). He is a lovely guy, very helpful, friendly, polite. But I can't help but think he gives off a 'snobby vibe'. He's perfectly good to us, but you can tell he probably looks down on less intelligent or less well off people. He hasn't said anything outright.

He tends to dress quite 'classically' and likes expensive or good quality things. He seems a bit old school, or conservative, but DD says he definitely is not a tory. He is pretty clever (went to Cambridge) but not from a wealthy family. His parents both went to boarding school, I know that.

It's strange because he hasn't done anything wrong, but I just get 'snobby vibes'

OP posts:
BlowDryRat · 30/09/2023 12:02

YABU. I moved town as a child and got regularly sneered at by other kids at school for being posh or stuck up. I wasn't but I didn't have the local accent so was fair game.

It affected my confidence because it made me feel so self-conscious. Please don't do that to this boy.

YukoandHiro · 30/09/2023 12:04

Yes sorry OP. If he's kind, friendly and polite then this is about your own issues and you should address them yourself before you meet his family.

NancyJoan · 30/09/2023 12:06

DH and I both went to private school - both on assisted places funded by the government. And we both went home to our very ordinary homes and our single mums. A lot of people who were at school between the 50s and the 90s benefitted from private education thanks to the Direct Grant and Assisted Place schemes.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2023 12:08

Some people give off inverted snobby vibes, too.

Hbh17 · 30/09/2023 12:10

The young man sounds perfectly normal, not to say charming. I am getting a whiff if reverse snobbery tho.....

BeginningToLookALotLike · 30/09/2023 12:12

Random789 · 03/08/2023 17:57

As a southerner living in the north I occasionally feel a little bit afraid of this kind of totally unfair snap judgement. It feels to me like people projecting their own snobbiness on to the person they accuse of being snobby. They feel insecure about themselves (because they don't match up to some fantasy class ideal) and they choose to imagine it is the other person, not they themselves, who is being judgey.

Same here, total strangers in my new area have made completely wrong and unrealistic assumptions about me to my face just by looking at me and hearing my accent. It's tiresome and upsetting.

Canisaysomething · 30/09/2023 12:36

Sounds like you have judged your dd’s boyfriend based on your own inferiority complex.

GalaApples · 30/09/2023 12:46

Just want to back up what many are saying - it is you OP who are snobbish - inverse snobbery is all about projection (yours) on to someone else of how you do not feel great about yourself. It is very unfair, and you need to give yourself a good shake.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 30/09/2023 13:07

RedSquirrelsRock · 30/09/2023 11:42

There isn't a chip on OP's shoulder it's a bloody great bag full. Stop being so judgy about other people.

Why pick up on a thread back from beginning of August? I'm sure the OP stepped back from her thread weeks ago.

Mycutedog · 30/09/2023 14:41

I know exactly what you mean OP. Some people do just give off snobby vibes. You just can tell - it's pretty irksome.

5128gap · 30/09/2023 14:49

There's no such thing as 'vibes'. People show us who they are by the things they do, say, their non verbal communication, tone of voice and facial expression.
So, specifically, what is this young man doing to show he looks down on you? Wrinkling up his nose when he sees your house? Correcting your speech? Smirking at your accent? Wiping his feet on the way out?
Or are you just thinking that someone with a good education who dresses and speaks in a certain way must be a snob? Because you know, that's your insecurity talking.

DaisyWaldron · 30/09/2023 15:01

I know quite a few people (mostly men) who embrace the whole "young fogey" aesthetic with floppy hair, tweed jackets etc. The ones I know are generally either active in the Conservative party, or Anglo-catholic churches (or both). They come across as quite snobbish, and in some ways they are, but no more than most other subcultures.

CoffeeCantata · 30/09/2023 15:53

I think YABU and showing your own prejudices.

My son went to Cambridge and his friends were of a type - they had a way of dressing and talking which just reflected the milieu they lived in. Some were very well-off, others average. Some public school, some state like my son. I suppose you would be able to distinguish them on their clothing choices etc from the majority of their age group, yes - but they were just observing the customs of their tribe - unconsciously- as other groups do. They were of various ethnicities and nationalities, I should add.

I'm afraid we humans are tribal - we choose the group we want to identify with and dress, speak and behave accordingly. Sometimes it's unconscious and sometimes not. I wish it wasn't like that, but it is.

I do notice people's clothes etc, not because I'm a snob but because I'm interested - sort of anthropologically! And I've rarely experienced social snobbery from above - but have felt uncomfortable more often due to inverse snobbery - from people who make assumptions about me. When this happens I tend to feel very anxious/nervous and clam up, just feeding into their prejudice that I'm snooty. Sigh.

Sigmama · 30/09/2023 16:14

Spirallingdownwards, isn't 'cold and cliquey' all about perception, we all view people through our own unique lenses

Motherof2nannyof4 · 31/12/2023 18:48

He has had a privileged upbringing but that doesnt mean hes a snob perhaps hes just taking it all in as its different but i do know exactly what you mean i have a son in law like that tbh there arent any reasons for his and in my opinion has some very odd behaviour like family unfriendly!! We are different somtimes you gel and sometimes you dont

Motherof2nannyof4 · 31/12/2023 18:53

Vibes are real i disagree with your comment

WhatsInStoreFor2024 · 31/12/2023 18:55

Anyway, what's actually wrong with 'snobby vibes' anyway?

Circularargument · 31/12/2023 19:07

DinoDaddy · 10/08/2023 10:18

I know exactly what you mean OP. Some middle and upper class people just give off the snobby toff vibe. You just know he is looking down on you even if he has the manners not to do it obviously.

Rubbish. You both sound unpleasant, ignorant and prejudiced.

/not posh and went to State School fyi

Circularargument · 31/12/2023 19:09

Motherof2nannyof4 · 31/12/2023 18:53

Vibes are real i disagree with your comment

Vibes are inventions to excuse prejudice.

EmporiumHawkins · 31/12/2023 19:14

i was about to say until i read the rest of your post, its like the type of person you just interact with and thing Oxbridge ect @Efalino

Klcak · 31/12/2023 19:18

Fucking hell OP your judgement of this guy is pretty mega

chrisntmas · 31/12/2023 19:18

ZOMBIE

EmporiumHawkins · 31/12/2023 19:24

chrisntmas · 31/12/2023 19:18

ZOMBIE

even i missed the date and i just read the op after it was in active

Motherof2nannyof4 · 31/12/2023 23:32

?? Relaxing vibes when you visit abeautiful garden

MintJulia · 31/12/2023 23:45

So you're not judgemental at all? !! Just wow

He sounds lovely and you sound judgemental and narrow minded. I hope your DD is kinder and less insecure.