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AIBU?

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Original poster

He's given me an STI... Do I tell his ex...

55 replies

sprayme · 03/08/2023 14:41

A man I was dating had given me an STI. It's been confirmed it's from him, he had it too and was treated .
I've finished with him for other reasons.
There is no doubt that he got this from his previous partner for many reasons but he definitely did get it from her.
He is refusing to tell her in case she turns this around and starts the whole abuse cycle again. Long story.
Do I tell her?
It has the potential to render her infertile and scarred.
Or would that he interfering.
I expect she either doesnt know she is carrying it or else has it treated didn't tell him. She was cheating in the last six months and he found out.
Thoughts?

OP posts:
Grumpigal · 03/08/2023 15:19

So have you not been to the clinic yourself?

Why don’t you just give them a call and ask for advice, I am sure they see these types of situations all the time and won’t judge.

If you are scared of backlash and genuinely think it will cause you problems then don’t tell her.

I think it’s most likely that he isn’t telling her because he didn’t actually get it from her. There’s absolutely no other reason that he wouldn’t at least just send her a two line message to say best get yourself a test.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 15:20

sprayme · 03/08/2023 15:08

They would both hunt me down. I'm
Too much of a coward.
Should I ring the GUM clinic where I was treated and ask them if they can forward the details? Do they do that?

If they're that psychotic, leave it be.

Jackandjillswell · 03/08/2023 15:21

Just MYOB OP.
Not your circus, not your monkeys.🙄

Neonyellowfish · 03/08/2023 15:22

Stressyfab · 03/08/2023 14:51

I think clinics and drs are meant to reach out to everyone you know could be affected? If you can hand over details it would be done anonymously by them with no mention of any other parties.

No they don’t. Never known that to happen, ever.

SadieOlsen · 03/08/2023 15:22

You have no idea where he got the disease that he gave you. You're finished with him now and none of it is your issue.

OhmygodDont · 03/08/2023 15:23

Fake profile on Facebook or a throw away sim.

“hey just to let you know John and his now ex gf both had X might want to make sure you don’t have it too”

delete profile/throw away SIM card and move on and ever deny it was you if anyone asked.

Stressyfab · 03/08/2023 15:24

@Neonyellowfish I have known it to happen with myself and friends. Worth an ask regardless.

mindutopia · 03/08/2023 15:25

I work in sexual health. She could be informed directly by the clinic anonymously, if he wanted to tell her. They would not inform her who gave them her details - though obviously she could infer this information if he's her only partner. That said, I'd be a bit eye rolly at anyone saying they absolutely know someone else gave them an STI rather than the other way around. It's very unlikely he knows for certain who gave it to who unless he is a regular tester (and very few heterosexual men are). But the clinic will definitely not inform her based on you getting in touch to say that she could be at risk, for privacy reasons. This disclosure has to come from the person who has been diagnosed, for obvious reasons (risk of malicious reports, wasted resources, harassment, etc.).

I would leave it well alone. Being in touch with her, even anonymously, sounds like it could put you at risk. As much as I am a big advocate for sexual wellness, ultimately it is her responsibility to look after her sexual health. Yes, he should do the right thing, but it's not unusual for people to not want to notify their partners (for whatever reason), and it really comes down to she needs to take care of herself. If she doesn't, it isn't your responsibility to put yourself at risk to encourage her to do so.

Original poster
sprayme · 03/08/2023 15:33

I'm afraid of her and he won't tell her nor would he give names to clinic .
I feel like letting this go now.
He'd go crazy.

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 03/08/2023 15:49

She's a sexually active adult woman, and it's her responsibility to decide what level of safer sex she chooses to have, and how often she gets tested for STIs. If she doesn't bother, she runs the risk of one affecting her long-term health/ fertility, but that's her problem, not yours.
Don't get involved.
Hopefully in future you'll feel much more confident insisting on safer sex with new partners.

heartbroken40 · 03/08/2023 15:50

A sexual health nurse told you to let it go. Just treat yourself and move on. And never EVER have sex with someone (protected or unprotected) until they do a full STI check

Changeforachange · 03/08/2023 15:50

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/08/2023 15:20

If they're that psychotic, leave it be.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

I get you want to do the right thing, but not at the expense of inviting unnecessary drama.

It's HIS responsibility to tell HIS sexual partners.

jannier · 03/08/2023 16:19

Id want to know so I'd be telling .....if he's saying she's claimed he was abusive towards her it may be that's how he treats all women and is just more abuse.

Original poster
sprayme · 03/08/2023 16:22

N. It was she who abused him, as he tells it. Gaslighting him. Crossing agreed boundaries consistently.
Cheating, making him jealous, sexting akd meeting up with men from her past.

OP posts:
Cas112 · 03/08/2023 16:23

If you have her number pass it on to the clinic

itsmylife7 · 03/08/2023 16:25

I'm sure she'll be aware at some point things are " not right " and act on it.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/08/2023 16:27

sprayme · 03/08/2023 16:22

N. It was she who abused him, as he tells it. Gaslighting him. Crossing agreed boundaries consistently.
Cheating, making him jealous, sexting akd meeting up with men from her past.

Oh, right. In other words, he's been fucking around on her for years and she doesn't have a clue about any of this. Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't even know he's left her - or dumped him after years of abuse.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/08/2023 16:35

sprayme · 03/08/2023 14:55

He didn't give any contacts of previous partners. He's adamant he's not telling her .

Probably because he gave it to her and his story that she gave it to him is rubbish

margegunderson · 03/08/2023 16:37

STI clinics do contact tracing. If he's been honest about his activities she'll have had a text or phone call. You don't need to do anything.

Spirallingdownwards · 03/08/2023 16:38

sprayme · 03/08/2023 16:22

N. It was she who abused him, as he tells it. Gaslighting him. Crossing agreed boundaries consistently.
Cheating, making him jealous, sexting akd meeting up with men from her past.

Ah the classic lie from the cheating guy , up there with my wife doesn't understand me

Original poster
sprayme · 03/08/2023 18:29

I
Really would t have him down as the cheating type but of course I could be wrong also.
He did add me on Facebook and his ex boyfriend s also there but he has not liked any of my posts not hers. Says he hates all of that.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 03/08/2023 18:44

sprayme · 03/08/2023 16:22

N. It was she who abused him, as he tells it. Gaslighting him. Crossing agreed boundaries consistently.
Cheating, making him jealous, sexting akd meeting up with men from her past.

How are you so sure that he got it from her? And how are you so sure of his version of events?

Original poster
sprayme · 03/08/2023 18:50

I have believed what he has said. I've no reason not to .

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 03/08/2023 18:54

Do unto others...

In her place wouldn't you want to know? The right thing is to tell her.

IwillwearwhatIwant · 03/08/2023 18:58

I was once advised by an HIV helpline not to tell someone I knew had slept with an HIV + man. She said everyone’s sexual health is a matter for themselves and to assume they would have the checks if having sex with someone without protection. So, no I wouldn’t tell.