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Original poster

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

479 replies

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:42

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
Darlingx · 04/08/2023 23:57

‘Some mother’s do have them’ springs to mind Oh Betty watch Frank on youtube. I have one at home I am always paddling hard in the background at the invisible tasks whilst he is winning awards. I discussed this with the wife of a Harley street dentist the same hopeless at home .

LoisLane66 · 05/08/2023 00:38

You knew he was not the most reliable person yet you gave him something really important to manage.

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2023 00:39

I'd send him half back op. you're 2k down as a family, so if he's making it up, it should only be half

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 01:49

VintageBlossomHill · 03/08/2023 01:25

No but I do break out in a cold sweat when I think of what might happen me if get seriously ill or incapable of communicating and dependant on him for care or decision making. I’d rather a quick release than that.

Show quote history

Why the hell are you with someone you feel this badly about? You’d rather die than have him care for you?? If he’s that useless move on!

nalabae · 05/08/2023 01:55

I had an ex like this and I know your frustration it's a shame how many arguments money causes. I have fallen out with so many over money but it's how we all live, the gov just makes things worse for working class

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 05/08/2023 02:06

Tbf I think you need to break up. Let both of you find someone to love and respect you

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 02:21

I think it’s both of your faults him for not doing it right, and you for noticing / working out that there was an extra £159 going out of the joint each month…. Even with increasing costs you’d have a rough idea of cost surely?
If your joint is going overdrawn ‘every month’ by £50…. Surely you both just need to up your transfers into that account each month so it doesn’t go OD?! You’d both only need to increase by £25 each!… seems daft to both have savings in personal accounts while paying interest on an overdraft in another ..
The money he has paid you out of guilt for his mistake is surely joint money and should go into the joint account, which is where it’s come out of mistakenly for nursery fees.
He made a mistake, you didn’t pick up on it for a year!!…. Don’t go too hard on him

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 02:25

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 05/08/2023 02:06

Tbf I think you need to break up. Let both of you find someone to love and respect you

😂😂 I love how mumsnet jumps straight to ‘break up/dump him/
he’s useless etc!…
no one is ever allowed to make a mistake on mumsnet, and no one is allowed to vent on here without being accused of not liking or respecting that person!
we all make mistakes and we all say things in anger / frustration that we probably don’t mean the next day once we’ve calmed down

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/08/2023 02:56

T1Dmama · 05/08/2023 02:25

😂😂 I love how mumsnet jumps straight to ‘break up/dump him/
he’s useless etc!…
no one is ever allowed to make a mistake on mumsnet, and no one is allowed to vent on here without being accused of not liking or respecting that person!
we all make mistakes and we all say things in anger / frustration that we probably don’t mean the next day once we’ve calmed down

Show quote history

Precisely! there have been a few threads on what stupid thing have you done that you're ashamed to admit irl and had masses of people who'd wasted money by making mistakes.
All the 'that would give me the ick' are hilarious.
Not mention the why are you with him, how can you find him attractive etc.
When a woman writes about a female partner, it's never the same advice.
More, we all make mistakes, it was baby brain, pregnancy brain, pmt, menopause etc.
But God forbid a man makes a mistake!

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 03:26

glowfrog · 04/08/2023 17:59

Apologies if I'm missing the point and it's already been pointed out - but if you are likely to incur further childcare costs such as afterschool care and holiday clubs, you can still use the childcare credits?

Unfortunately, they're on the new system, where if you forget to pay into the account for three months you lose the credits for that quarter. He didn't pay anything in for a whole year by the looks of things.

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 03:28

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 05/08/2023 02:56

Precisely! there have been a few threads on what stupid thing have you done that you're ashamed to admit irl and had masses of people who'd wasted money by making mistakes.
All the 'that would give me the ick' are hilarious.
Not mention the why are you with him, how can you find him attractive etc.
When a woman writes about a female partner, it's never the same advice.
More, we all make mistakes, it was baby brain, pregnancy brain, pmt, menopause etc.
But God forbid a man makes a mistake!

Show quote history

Also, it's possible to love someone and want to stay with them, but certain things about them drive you bonkers!

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 03:34

DappledThings · 04/08/2023 21:08

Because money would be going out of the account anyway. Except it was meant to go to the childcare account and from there to nursery, but it was going to nursery direct. What was coming out of the joint account should have been 80% of the monthly bill rather than the 100% that actually was but easy to miss that when the amount changes every month.

No money was building up in the childcare account because no money was being sent to it.

Show quote history

But how did she notice the amount of money going out and not where it was going (ie direct to the nursery)? If she was keeping an eye on the account, surely she could see the payee?

Not saying it was OP's fault, just - this baffles me a bit.

user1497561561 · 05/08/2023 05:54

Dallasdays · 03/08/2023 00:05

This is why I love being a single parent and in control of all admin, without having the resentment of constantly being let down by incompetent men.

It was an error. He didn’t kill Christ! I don’t think his oversight warrants a public tongue lashing.

Bugbeau · 05/08/2023 07:09

Some one may have already said this as I’ve not read all 18 pages but you can still use the money to make payments. We built up loads during covid and then just used them to make full manual payments rather than partial payments once the nursery opened again. Hopefully you will be able to do that.

JournalistEmily · 05/08/2023 07:12

You say he pulls his weight, but he isn’t. Stop allowing this. And all other women who do this stop allowing it too!!! We are literally training the next generation to be as useless as this one!!!!

DappledThings · 05/08/2023 07:14

Bugbeau · 05/08/2023 07:09

Some one may have already said this as I’ve not read all 18 pages but you can still use the money to make payments. We built up loads during covid and then just used them to make full manual payments rather than partial payments once the nursery opened again. Hopefully you will be able to do that.

Someone has already said it yesterday and had it refuted multiple times. Because it is not the old voucher/credit scheme. It's the new account one.

DappledThings · 05/08/2023 07:18

PopGoesTheWeaselYetAgain · 05/08/2023 03:34

But how did she notice the amount of money going out and not where it was going (ie direct to the nursery)? If she was keeping an eye on the account, surely she could see the payee?

Not saying it was OP's fault, just - this baffles me a bit.

Show quote history

That bit is odd agreed. Even with not knowing what the amount should be (which I can understand given the 30 hours were set up at same time and amount can vary every month) I would still notice if a payment was going to LITTLE MONKEYS rather than GOV CHILDCARE ACC which is how I had the paymee names set up.

(Not actually Little Monkeys. With apologies to Little Monkeys nursery if that is one that actually exists!)

boqq · 05/08/2023 07:32

Seems like a very complicated system to get the tax free benefit. One question though, if the money was coming out of the joint account monthly, how did you not realise?

DappledThings · 05/08/2023 07:40

boqq · 05/08/2023 07:32

Seems like a very complicated system to get the tax free benefit. One question though, if the money was coming out of the joint account monthly, how did you not realise?

It really isn't complicated. It's just one calculation (monthly invoice x 0.8), two online transactions. Used to take me maybe 10 minutes a month to complete. For two children.

Ukrainebaby23 · 05/08/2023 07:51

Yes I'd be cross, but I'm no dinosaur and found the whole flipping tax free child care a nightmare. It takes 6, 6 !!@ Internet pages before you actually get to the manage account page, them you have to physically load your payment details into your bank account because its not found on the auto search. Yes it probably only takes an hour or so, but not everyone is 'admin inclined'. And tbh if I didn't really need the money I'd probably have skipped it the first month. You also need to check your payments arrived and make your payments if amount differs monthly.

What he should have done was, know it wasn't happening properly,
And admit to you, but both those take mutual respect and I don't think you have this type of relationship.

boqq · 05/08/2023 08:14

DappledThings · 05/08/2023 07:40

It really isn't complicated. It's just one calculation (monthly invoice x 0.8), two online transactions. Used to take me maybe 10 minutes a month to complete. For two children.

Show quote history

Well I believe such systems are designed to ensure that some people fail to benefit from them, some as they can’t be bothered, others as they find them too complicated and don’t manage to get them to work like the op’s DH. If the government really wanted to help people, they’d subsidise at invoice level…

burnoutbabe · 05/08/2023 08:29

Yes the op seems like she missed 2 items herself

  1. payment is to the nursery and not the government

  2. the payment was for the amount of the bill and not 80% of it.

Unless the op assumed the nursery took off 20% itself (though that's obviously not how it works)

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 05/08/2023 08:45

@burnoutbabe what do you mean I missed them?

OP posts:
burnoutbabe · 05/08/2023 08:48

By looking at the bank account? Or the invoices that were queried.

DappledThings · 05/08/2023 08:50

Jamtartforme · 05/08/2023 08:45

@burnoutbabe what do you mean I missed them?

That you didn't spot these two things for multiple months. If you were regularly checking your online banking you might have spotted they were wrong.

Although you have said you did query the amount as it seemed high which is fair. But did your list of transactions not show a monthly payment to the nursery rather than one to the government account.

Not that you should need to check that having had your H agree to handle it.

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