Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fucking livid - DH, lost money

479 replies

Jamtartforme · 02/08/2023 23:42

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DH isn’t lazy, he pulls his weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, his point being I don’t let him do anything because when he does do it he fucks it up. But every time I do he just messes it up - he forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed him instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. He’s been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because he had given the nursery our tax free code. He couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at him.

OP posts:
Phineyj · 03/08/2023 10:20

If you're no good at things, you Google, ask for help, practice, delegate...right?

billy1966 · 03/08/2023 10:20

God help you OP, I think it must ne so hard to maintain love and respect in a relationship when one part is so inept.

Stupidity is so unattractive.

Clearly he doesn't care enough about you all to get shit right.

You have my sympathy.

Anyport · 03/08/2023 10:21

You are wrong. You haven't got two kids, you've got three.

Puffalicious · 03/08/2023 10:29

electriclight · 03/08/2023 09:58

I disagree with the pitchfork wielders who are saying that he did it on purpose. I think that's a ridiculous suggestion. He obviously thought he'd done it right. He wouldn't have been cheerfully checking their overdrawn bank balance every month and sniggering to himself would he.

And if op had made this mistake many people would come on to say that there are two adults in the house so your dh needs to take some responsibility, how come they didn't notice either etc.

It's a bloody awful mistake. Anyone who's made a stupid 'kicking yourself afterwards' mistake will understand. The problem is that when we ourselves make a mistake it is entirely understandable/extenuating circumstances but when other people make one they're stupid.

I totally agree here. It's a terrible mistake OP, and I would be livid too, really livid.

I've learned over the years that we're all good at different things. I have much better memory for details/organisational skills, and have always taken on most mentall load (DH is brilliant at garden/ cars/ DIY/ cooking / cleaning/ holidays/ taking kids biking/ climbing/ physical play). It makes sense- I'm a teacher, he's a plumbing engineer.

However, at the grand old age of 51 I really, really have seen what it's like to be him via peri-menopause! My brain fog is real. I've always considered myself sharp; 'on it', and over the past year I'm often not anymore: forgetting stuff/ organisation stressing me. It's very upsetting & annoying. DH has taken on/ helps with more mental load (eg DS3 has very complex medication and the ordering & keeping on top of it is onerous- I used to do it with ease but need help these days) and we laugh about howvI can finally feel like he does all the time! He's very clever, just not wired the same as me.

I'm not excusing your DH at all, just advocating being honest about what you're both better at.

Looking at my DC it's really clear. DS1 so sharp, very organised; DS2 clever but has probable adhd and needs lots of scaffolding and always will I think.

MLMsuperfan · 03/08/2023 10:32

My partner left a gym membership running for nearly 12 months that we weren't and couldn't use (moved away).

I check statements now.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 10:33

@Frabbits There’s nothing in the tax-free account! It’s not a bank account. It’s an account held at taxfreechildcare dot gov dot uk – logging into that account gets you your 30 hours code, and the government’s bank details along with a reference to use on your personal banking account to pay in money. You go on your banking, eg NatWest, pay some money to the bank details you found on tfc dot gov dot uk using the payment reference, then check tfc dot gov dot uk three days later to see your money and the government top-up. It tops up a max of £500 per quarter so if you don’t pay in, you don’t get that £500, it’s over, it’s done.

From the same website tfc dot gov dot uk, you set up the payment to your childcare provider. It is a bit long winded and it won’t do a variable direct debit, so nurseries that change the amount monthly mean you have to log in and change your outgoing payment, but it’s not difficult, it’s not rocket salad. Just takes a few minutes longer than paying nursery directly. But I’ll spend a few minutes every month to save £150! It’s like refusing to collect Nectar points because you can’t be arsed to fish the card out of your wallet, or tipping all your copper change in the bin instead of paying it in at the bank and discovering you had £20 down the back of the sofa.

If OP’s DH were logging in every quarter to reconfirm their eligibility for 30 funded hours, he’d have seen all the information he needed to make those payments and get the £2k annually. It’s all in one place so there’s no excuse for him not knowing or misunderstanding, unless he’s criminally stupid.

femfemlicious · 03/08/2023 10:42

ihadamarveloustime · 03/08/2023 09:26

OP's 'standards'? Are you kidding? Pissing away a couple of thousand pounds of much needed money because he couldn't be arsed to actually follow up on their child's tax free childcare account isn't about doing things to OP's 'standards' !

Show quote history

What I mean is that he might be incompetent but it doesn't look like he is doing it on purpose. I can see that it's frustrating but she has to realise that this is the man she married and they can sit down to truly find a way to have balance. There's no point insulting the man and making it worse. I can be a bit hopeless with admin so I kinda see how this can happen.

PinkIcedCream · 03/08/2023 10:48

Tereo · 03/08/2023 09:57

Totally agree with this... He sounds like a good partner, does 50 chores, childcare etc.. You didn't notice the payments leaving your account either (which I find strange as we both check our account often) so I think you're both responsible
. To be sexist about it I have never heard of a man who thinks of a child's birthday party months in advance (i dont either)

Show quote history

Really? My DH turned 70 this year and has always been the one to plan events, birthdays and Christmas gift buying, etc.

He was also a senior manager of a large organisation for years but didn’t shirk the mental load regarding household tasks and finances.

He still carries a small diary with him all the time to keep notes in even though he now has a smart phone.

Allhailkingcharlie · 03/08/2023 10:53

From talking with friends etc it seems some men seem to think if they're working full time then that means they can leave their brain there and just coast at home. My husband is more than competent but I can see us heading down that road very slowly

Nellynoowhoareyou · 03/08/2023 10:54

I would be mad too but I think it depends on how much you’re both working. I work fewer days than H and I do vast majority of thinking/planning incl all the tax free childcare stuff and banking. He does lots of other practical stuff etc. I would def show him how to do it if I handed the reins over.

FatCatBum · 03/08/2023 10:58

ThinWomansBrain · 03/08/2023 07:58

he sounds a twat, but if he was responsible for it, why was it all on your phone so that any comms went to you rather than him?

Probably because he didn't think to change the contact details...

labamba007 · 03/08/2023 11:02

Alargeoneplease89 · 03/08/2023 00:17

We’re skint, in the red every month. 2 kids, mortgage has gone up horrifically, nursery fees, COL, I’m sure many of you will know what it’s like.

DW isn’t lazy, she pulls her weight around the house but only when it comes to ‘obvious’ tasks. Such as washing up, or walking the dog. If its a task you can’t ‘see’ or doesn’t need to be done as part of routine - for example, arranging a birthday party or applying for school - it won’t even register. I do 95% of the mental load stuff, minimum.

This has caused a few rows between us, her point being I don’t let her do anything because when she does do it she fucks it up. But every time I do she just messes it up - she forgets medical appointments, fills in forms wrong, or relies on me to spoon feed her instructions to such an extent that I may as well do whatever it is myself.

Fine, I said, you can deal with the tax free childcare account for nursery. All good.

Fast forward to this evening and I discover that not one fucking payment has been made from the tax free account since last year. She's been making the payments from our account and just assuming the deduction was being made because she had given the nursery our tax free code. She couldn’t be bothered to look into it all properly and work out how to use the account, even less actually work out how much we should be paying with the deduction, and now we have lost 2 fucking grand in the last year that we really, really do not have.

How angry would you be? I’m livid and can hardly look at her.

I guarantee if this was written people would be calling you a narcissistic bastard and maybe shes ND.

This isn't aimed at you OP, I would be frustrated and gutted to lose 2k but some of the PPs are bloodthirsty for a man's blood.

I'm off before people get their pitchforks...

Nope I'd be with you on this one - livid if it was man or woman!

spitefulandbadgrammar · 03/08/2023 11:02

Actually how was he logging in without changing the phone number? My TFC account won’t let me in without sending a verification code to my phone. So has he actually logged in each quarter to confirm the 30 hours, or did you lose that too?

ivykaty44 · 03/08/2023 11:04

there are plenty of evening jobs and casual weekend work around to be able to earn the lost £2000 and put it back in the pot

monsteramunch · 03/08/2023 11:08

ivykaty44 · 03/08/2023 11:04

there are plenty of evening jobs and casual weekend work around to be able to earn the lost £2000 and put it back in the pot

In principle yes but if he does that, OP is left to manage the kids and mental load on evenings and weekends, even more than she does now.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 03/08/2023 11:09

PeanutButterOnToad · 03/08/2023 02:33

It always fascinates me how many men can hold down decent jobs that require various levels of higher order thinking who are completely incompetent when it comes to anything “domestic”. Basically they are saying “this stuff is beneath me so I don’t need to pay it attention”. I would also be raging if I were you OP.

They usually have a team of women propping them up at work, too.

Caroparo52 · 03/08/2023 11:11

My life as a single mother is bliss. No fucking useless appendage to worry about/ fuckthingsup

tothelefttotheleft · 03/08/2023 11:12

Alargeoneplease89 · 02/08/2023 23:58

I would be angry but if I hadn't shown him how to do it in the first place then what is obvious to you isn't obvious to him- I would have no idea because I haven't heard of paying nursery fees this way.

If you have indeed sat down with him and talked it through/ showed him and checked the first few times then yeah I would shoot him....

I do all life admin and if I was passing it over to DH, I would be OTT because its not that he's incompetent, we all have our way of doing things but I think of it as he's an apprentice.

So she'd basically be doing the job for him and treating him like a child?

Original poster
Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 11:18

Just had it out and (unprompted) he has sent the money lost from his personal savings to mine.

OP posts:
Lilyt14 · 03/08/2023 11:21

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 11:18

Just had it out and (unprompted) he has sent the money lost from his personal savings to mine.

How does he have savings if, as a family, you are ‘struggling’ and ‘in the red every month’?

How much more does he have in savings, and do you have a similar amount of savings in your own name?

Surely this is the bigger issue!

tothelefttotheleft · 03/08/2023 11:22

Hiddenmnetter · 03/08/2023 05:11

It’s not necessarily the case that it’s obvious. Our cleaner is Polish and my DW just spent 3-4 days working out all the benefits she was eligible to claim (single mother, victim of dv, young child). Without her help, there is just NO way you would get your head around this. I work in a highly complex and systematic environment but unless I knew what I was doing I would be utterly flummoxed; I was genuinely stunned by everything she did to make this woman’s life easier. British admin is awful- just horribly complex and confusing. My own theory is it’s the states way of preventing paying out what they actually promise people so politically they can say “oh we give this and that benefit” but unless you are native to the system with some experience, you might as well be in Kafka’s maze.

it’s not great that he didn’t immediately trigger a mistake and apologise instead of blagging and trying to cover up, but then how many of us enjoy admitting mistakes? Sure, what he did is a waste and it’s aggravating, made worse by the financial stress, but it’s grounds for a bollocking- this is what it’s like, you have to engage with the state like it’s mortal combat- then next time he’ll improve.

It doesn't take 3-4 to work out what benefits you are entitled to.

There are websites that give you these answers in minutes.

electriclight · 03/08/2023 11:23

If I made a mistake that cost my family £2000 I know I would face understanding from dp. I would not be told to get a second job, when I already work full time, to pay it back. He'd be frustrated and I'd feel awful but he wouldn't be trying to make it worse.

DoIWantToGetIntoThisHere · 03/08/2023 11:24

Savings? A cleaner? Sorry but your definition of being skint and in the red must be very different to mine 🤔

electriclight · 03/08/2023 11:24

Jamtartforme · 03/08/2023 11:18

Just had it out and (unprompted) he has sent the money lost from his personal savings to mine.

Glad you've had the outcome you wanted.

He really must feel awful about this. I'm sure many will say 'so he should'.

OneSugar1 · 03/08/2023 11:26

Has he taken ownership of his mistake and said he’ll be more ‘on it’ in future?

if he’s genuine inept rather than just lazy then, I think your only options are:

  • accept it and suck it up
  • have a redivision of labour where he takes the ‘thicko’ jobs snd you take the ‘clever’ ones
  • (nuclear option) get rid of him, do it all yourself, which you are probably doing anyway, but without the added resentment and worry that money is being unnecessarily spaffed up a wall