To ask why it’s so hard to find a children’s book without a dead parent or pity for only children?!

[SashaPearce]

Trying to choose a book as a birthday present for a friend’s daughter. She’s turning 9 and is an only child. Thought it would be easy as I loved reading and still own lots of my favourites but finding it really hard! Several I feel like I’m having to rule out because they include a brief conversation where characters with multiple siblings are pitying an only child, ‘isn’t it sad, they must be so lonely’. Find this infuriating! I guess it’s an index of how unusual one child families were in the past - and maybe a sign that I need to be looking at more contemporary books rather than classics - but seriously, why? Did it really not occur to the authors at the time that it wasn’t nice to introduce to only children who might well be perfectly happy the idea that they ought to feel sorry for themselves?

The other thing I’m really struggling with is the number of parental deaths. Can’t believe how many children’s books seem to begin with this in some form or another! I wonder if I’m worrying too much, because I read these books myself as a child, and strangely even though I was quite an anxious kid it somehow never occurred to me to make the connection between the character’s parents dying and the idea that mine might. But one of my favourites starts with a parent dying in a plane crash. We flew a lot when I was a kid (due to DF’s family living overseas) and I never worried about this, but friend’s daughter also gets taken on a lot of international trips and I really don’t want to be the one to introduce the idea that this is something she needs to worry about! Am I being over-scrupulous?

YABU: kid will be caught up in the story and won’t even notice or care about the bits about only children being pitiable and parents being killed in plane crashes

YANBU: pick something else

Does she? Re-reading the OP, I don’t get that.

OP - you are being very thoughtful to worry!

But I don’t think kids take it all to heart. All of the awful / amazing things that happen in books are just part of what makes a good story.

And you can’t move for fairy tales with wicked step-mothers in them, it’s all part of the thrill.

Boarding school books? There’s the old Enid Blyton ones, but also more modern ones, e.g. Scarlett and Ivy, etc.

Hillary mcKay the exiles is about children with normal boring parents. The main protagonists are siblings but there's an only child in it and he's happy with how he is. They are my favourite ever children's books. She wrote some war ones which are equally good.

Nancy drew? Dead mother but unspecified cause, happy only child

I was given The Secret Garden as a ninth birthday present. This started my love of reading that I still have now in my 70s.

It doesn’t have to be about an only child although of course that does feel especially appropriate, I’d just like to avoid books with stigmatising mentions of only children (ffs, classic authors!)

Oh! Ok. I assumed from her title saying it was hard to find books for an only child, that she meant that was important. But now I'm re-reading I see perhaps she doesn't. OP? I can think of loads more recs if it's not crucial the main character is an only child themself.

FWIW I think some children do take it to heart and it probably depends on circumstances.

This.

Now you mention it, loads of the books for children I loved involve dead parents! Never bothered me though!

I recommend
Mrs Frisby and the rats of Nimh
Searching for Shona
House at the Corner
The Drina Adams books if she's in to ballet.

But all but one feature dead parents!

Are you talking about The Children who Lived in a Barn?!

Nancy drew? Dead mother but unspecified cause, happy only child

Nancy's a bit old for a ninth birthday, isn't she? She's sixteen, I think. Drives her own car. And there's the 1940s (I think) American setting as well.

If we're talking of Nancys, there's Nancy Blackett, of course. The DD is just about getting to the right age for Arthur Ransome. One dead and one absent parent in S&A, but again that would have been quite normal for the time.

Ex teacher here and I think you are applying adult thoughts to children's stories!
In my experience, children enjoy adventure but don't necessarily put themselves in the situation. There is 'safety' in knowing that's not going to happen to me but it's exciting.......to read about!

I have an only and I don’t think I’ve ever encountered only child stereotypes in children’s books (except Enid Blyton, but frankly that’s the least of the problems there). Modern kids’ books are much less likely to feature these stereotypes as one-child families are so much more common these days. One book my DD recently read and enjoyed featuring a positive depiction of a one-child family (and no dead parents!) is Spellstone by Ross Montgomery. I can also second the recommendations of Rooftoppers and Lottie Brooks.

@Gerrataere Ruby and Garnet's mother was dead.

Oh god, that’s not the one then. It’s been 25 years since I read it I’m sure . But little surprise, JW had very dark and depressing themes.

Off topic, but I grew up an only child in 1980s west Belfast and was OBSESSED with Enid Blyton and the midnight feasts and the lacrosse and all! I wondered what boarding school would be like! Many of the books were given to me by the wonderful lady who looked after me. The things that happened in those books are as far away as it’s possible to get from my own life experience but I loved imagining what it’d be like.

(given i cried like an absolute child when my parents dropped me off at university in England at 18, I doubt I would have managed boarding school very well, even had there been any feasible options in NI at the time!)

It is one of my childhood favourites but it troubled me when I first read it at 8YO that it never really explained properly what happened to their dad until the end. The subtly went way over my head. I also found the whole family having to move to the pokey wee house quite upsetting.

I understand the only child pity being a no, but agree parental death is a staple of children's books (although still grim!)

If you're looking for something more contemporary (and a bit cool/not walliams) my dd loves reading and her favourite author is Kiran Milwood Hargraves. She writes lovely books with strong female leads, I would recommend for a 9 year old girl! 'The girl of ink and stars' is all-time DDs favourite book.
Also by a different author 'the secret of haven point' is wonderful, it's set in north east England (you can visit the place it's set if you are close), and all of the characters have a disability as well as being orphans. It's a lovely story with no pity, lots of intrigue too.

Secret Garden is based round two only children. But the first chapter is grim - but went entirely over my head as a child!

I think it didn't matter if a parent died if I hadn't already been introduced to them. I certainly never thought it was something that could happen to me.

Swallows and Amazons is good in having a lnon-standard role models for girls, Peggy and Nancy of course, then Titty with her intelligence and imagination. And none of them feeling the need to pretend to be boys, unlike George fo the Famous Five, who bucked the female role model of housekeeper Susan only by pretending to be a boy. THough that could be read more positively as an early portayal of gender disphoria.

Aww a little princess ❤️ I completely forgot about that one and used to love it.

My DD around that age absolutely loved Jacqueline Wilson books and The Worst Witch books.

I can’t remember if any of them have death in.
I remember reading one of the Jacqueline Wilson books was about an abusive dad and a child in foster care, so I’m so there may be death of a parent in one of them too.

The ending of The Railway Children has hit me every time since my dad died when I was a child. It's the longing and getting him back that does it. The other orphan/ deceased/ ill/ missing parent plots of any other story don't hit the same spot, and I still love children's/YA adventure stories.
I still love it even if I always need tissues for the last chapter.

Too loving and attentive a family really cramps a protagonist's style. 😁

As a PP mentioned, the dead / absent parent thing is a feature of children’s literature because you can’t get up to mischief and have mad adventures if you’ve got two careful & loving parents looking after you. I explained this to my two & they’ve never been in the least bit phased by dead parents in stories.

Another vote for Rooftoppers too, it’s excellent.

you can’t get up to mischief and have mad adventures if you’ve got two careful & loving parents looking after you.

Monica Edwards' characters have all parents present. But I think Tamzin Grey's parents are too good to be true - so understanding and so willing to go along with whatever she wants to do. I do like the Romney Marsh books, though. Punchbowl Farm less so.

I enjoyed The Famous Five as a child and I spent a lot of time in Cornwall. I can assure you that I never turned into a smuggler. I'm currently on the 9th book in the Poldark series and still no smuggling urges! 😀😁

I think I know the one you mean. It's called Secrets and it's about two girls, one with an abusive stepfather and living on a council estate and the other one from a middle class background with neglectful parents and how the two become friends. They both keep a diary.

The Little Princess has loads of dead parents but makes being an only child seem absolutely top tier.

Agree that parent death is largely a useful trope so the kids can get up to all sorts.
See also: evacuation in WWII; sent away as sibling has measles; sent away to recuperate after illness (usually measles); going on holiday to cousins house where uncle only cares about his work and aunt only cares about him; boarding school (possibly in the alps), etc
If you are worried that stories about parental death will upset your child you could actually have a discussion with them about it.