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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you go to this party?

37 replies

The0verthinker · 02/08/2023 21:58

I'm a MN lurker but daring to post! Apologies, it's long. Could use your advice to stop myself worrying over this and just make a decision, I feel daft even having to ask others but here I am overthinking as per.

So I'm the kind of person who questions myself about doing the right thing and feels a lot of guilt over things like this, I worry and debate decisions in my head which drives my DP mad (he thinks if you don't want to do something, you just shouldn't and it won't be a big deal).

So.. I'm 31, I'm 27 weeks pregnant with my first, hitting a bit of a 'sore back, always tired and CBA' phase but otherwise having a pretty easy time of it.

I got a Facebook message tonight from the partner of a work friend, inviting me to her surprise 40th birthday gathering at a bar in the city centre on Saturday evening. Never met or spoken to the partner, or any of my friend's other friends/family.

Been in my job just over a year. Trained with my friend, we all work from home full time but I speak to her on Teams most days and I get on well with her. We car share on the very odd occasion that we have to go into the office (once every 6 months or so). She's helped me out with nipping me home from the garage when I had to drop my car off there for a repair (we live about a 5 min drive apart).

We haven't seen each other outside work other than the garage thing, but coincidentally have arranged to go for lunch together on Friday as we kept saying we must meet up, and we're both on leave on Friday by chance.

I am pretty much an introvert - small circle of close friends who I've known for years. I like parties and being sociable though, but dread going to things on my own.

DP has been invited with me but he's going on a weekend away with his friends. Asked my circle of friends if anyone's free to join me at this party for an hour or two, hoping I could show my face, have a (non alcoholic) drink and then make my pregnant excuses and go home for my PJs! However, tumbleweed on the group chat (kinda don't blame them).

Feel obliged to go to this gathering as I like this friend but will feel extremely awkward turning up alone, no idea how many people are going, only know my friend and she'll be socialising with everyone. I wish I hadn't been invited if I'm honest.

It's in a busy bar and last time I went there I caught covid 😂 and I live in a 'party city', and really CBA with drunk people, small talk with people I don't know (pit of dread at the thought) etc.

Feel extra pressure as there is something up with my Facebook messenger app - I very very rarely use it, and it seems to only sometimes send me notifications. I got one this evening from friend's partner, and when I then went into the inbox, I saw I had a message from friend's sister (never met her) asking if I was the person she thought I was and inviting me, on 29th July! And two missed facebook voice calls (no idea how/why my phone didn't ring) from the sister at about 7pm tonight. So that's making me think this must be a small gathering and they are struggling for numbers, as they've really tried to get hold of me. Like I say - we are friends but not 'close' friends if that makes sense, so the effort to contact me makes me think they need as many people to come as possible to make it look busy? And of course I'm now worried the sister will think I've intentionally avoided opening or replying to the message from Saturday, when I genuinely didn't know it was there.

This is so long and typical of my anxious and probably irrational thoughts.

Anyway, what would you do?

OP posts:

WhateverMate · 02/08/2023 22:02

Blimey I made it through almost to the end and then gave up! 😵😵

Just say you're pregnant and tired, wish them all a good night and forget about it.

sorbets · 02/08/2023 22:03

These types of things are usually worse until you get there and then you’ll have a blast of a time. You won’t be the only one in the group to feel that way either. Do what you want to do, whether that’s go or stay at home. Don’t try to please others!

WineIsMyMainVice · 02/08/2023 22:04

Agree. You’re totally overthinking this. You have the perfect excuse. “Sorry but I’m really struggling to stay up after 9pm atm. Hope you have a great night.”
That’s all.

AgathaMillersGoneMissing · 02/08/2023 22:04

I'd say I have other plans. And take something nice for your friend when you do meet her on Friday.

WandaWonder · 02/08/2023 22:07

Just say sorry I hope everyone has great evening but I can't make it no need to complicate it

EmmaStone · 02/08/2023 22:07

Well, there won't be much opportunity for this kind of night again for a while, quite likely, so I'd probably go, with low expectations, and a decent get out early clause (pregnancy), and it may end up being a lovely evening. Sounds like she really values your friendship.

Ponoka7 · 02/08/2023 22:07

It depends on what the venue is like. There's places I wouldn't have gone at your stage of pregnancy. If you are genuinely always tired, then don't go.

TeaKitten · 02/08/2023 22:08

Massively overthinking, I didn’t even make it to the end sorry. It’s short notice just say you are sorry you have plans and can’t make it. The end!

Hummingbird89 · 02/08/2023 22:08

Honestly if you like her and think they’re struggling for numbers, make the effort and go. You have the best excuse ever not to stay late, but I would show my face for an hour at least.

itsmylife7 · 02/08/2023 22:08

Blame your pregnancy and decline or lie and state you've something else on that day.

Go and meet your friend for lunch as planned.

Problem solved.

Lkahsvtv · 02/08/2023 22:10

I reckon you’re over thinking it (I do the same); you don’t really want to go so don’t. She isn’t a close friend and honestly sounds my worst nightmare while pregnant

DNLove · 02/08/2023 22:12

Say you'll do your best to be there, the pregnancy can have you wiped out fairly early in evening. I'd drive there, show my face for 30 mins and slip away then.

VinEtFromage · 02/08/2023 22:15

It's very short notice, just tell her DH/DP you're sorry, but you have a family event you can't miss.

💁🏻‍♀️ you & your teddy in front of the tv is a family event!

get back to her sister, apologise for your Facebook being a twat & see what she was trying to contact you about.

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 02/08/2023 22:18

No need to make any excuses or reason for not being able to attend just say... thanks for the invitation, so sorry can't make it, have a lovely evening.

FrangipaniBlue · 02/08/2023 22:20

The fact her DH and sister have both tried to contact you tells me she talks about you and obviously considers you a friend.

On that basis alone I think I would go just to show face, maybe stay for a hour then make my excuses (pregnancy) to leave.

ltappleby · 02/08/2023 22:25

I’d go but wouldn’t plan to stay long. If I was enjoying myself though I’d stay!

Original poster

The0verthinker · 02/08/2023 22:33

Thanks for all the replies and for reading that worry essay! 😂 think the points are really helpful about her DP and sister making the effort to contact me meaning she must talk about me i.e. consider me enough of a friend that they knew to invite me without knowing me. I suppose I want to make the effort as her friend, hence the hand wringing over it, but am anxious about knowing no one as going to a party alone is my worst nightmare, especially not being able to have a drink to chill out! Tips on going solo without feeling uncomfortable the whole time?!

OP posts:

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 22:33

WhateverMate · 02/08/2023 22:02

Blimey I made it through almost to the end and then gave up! 😵😵

Just say you're pregnant and tired, wish them all a good night and forget about it.

This.

converseandjeans · 02/08/2023 22:39

You could make a bit of a fuss of her Friday lunch - take a small gift & flowers as birthday treat.

Aavalon57 · 02/08/2023 22:56

I don't blame you, OP, I would feel like that, too, From what you've said though, the siblings sound quite nice and your friend obviously values you. I would get back in touch with the siblings, say you don't use messenger much so have only just seen the message. Tell them you're heavily pregnant so are usually flaked out by mid-evening but would love to come for an hour. That way, the expectation is low, you've done your bit and you have a valid get-out clause. I can't imagine that everyone there will know each other, it's a bit like weddings where the thing in common is the person whose birthday/wedding it is. Also, don't take anything on Friday otherwise she might get suspicious!

grumpycow1 · 02/08/2023 22:59

Just go, accept it might be a little awkward, but you will hopefully meet some nice people. Tell them in advance you’d love to come but can only stay for an hour or so due to getting very tired with pregnancy. Stay for an hour or so until you’ve had enough 😊 it’s a nice thing to do for your colleague who is pretty much a friend by now!

ThinWomansBrain · 02/08/2023 23:04

if you don't feel like it, don't go.
Why not suggest meeting up for Coffee/lunch with her before you start your mat leave?

Moveoverdarlin · 02/08/2023 23:04

I would go. If you’re pregnant with your first baby you’ll be surprised how much you miss going out when the baby is here. Just go, make polite chit-chat, you’ve got a perfect excuse to leave after an hour or so but your friend (and her partner and sister who have been trying to contact you) will be delighted to see you.

Bigbus · 02/08/2023 23:10

I would go, OP. It sounds like there will be other people on their own. People are usually friendly and your friend will appreciate it. You have a good excuse to leave early if you need to.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/08/2023 23:33

You sound like me, you overthink things and have high anxiety about going to events and when there you are fine. I would go as it sounds like she values your friendship and even for an hour and everyone sounds really nice. Make the effort and you will enjoy yourself. It will be a nice catch up and probably the last time before baby arrives that you get to do this and really think you should push yourself and know it is daunting walking in there alone but you will be fine. You will feel happy that you went after as sometimes we have to push ourselves to do things as you do like this girl and she sounds like she is a nice person as helped you out before and you will be glad of this friendship when the baby arrives as it will be someone to meet for a coffee and walk/chat.

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