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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult Children Returning from Uni

36 replies

TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 18:15

Yes incredibly proud of your First Class Honours Degree, now you are at home looking at cleaning jobs 🙈
It’s been two days since he arrived home.
Three rooms of the house are taken up with his shit.
He has three wet towels on his bedroom floor.
He left the light/fan on in the bathroom for an hour.
He has prioritised joining a gym over getting a job.
Hes ditching his crockery in the sink rather than stacking it in the dishwasher next to the sink.
I am trying to not regress back into nagging mother and to establish this adult relationship with him but seriously fuck my life.
Anyone else? 🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
Original poster
TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 18:17

And don’t get me started on the crockery in his bedroom 🤯🙈

OP posts:
Mischance · 02/08/2023 18:23

You have had 3 years of peace and ownership of your own space. Time to set some ground rules: he can stay at home if...... x.y.z. Spell it out to him! Rules adhered to or out he goes to fettle for himself!

SchrodingersKitty · 02/08/2023 18:23

Yep me too - the son with first class degree, that is, and the stuff overtaking many floors of the house. Mine has not yet started looking for jobs of any sort. Plans to apply for MAs for 24/5 so any jobs will be short term. He’s keeping himself busy with writing, etc but I would very much like him to not just slip back into vacation mode. Like many of our kids he had a disrupted and difficult degree experience. Even so, it would be good to feel he had a bit more of a sense of urgency about stepping into adulthood.

Maray1967 · 02/08/2023 18:24

I’ve issued the warnings already here. Things have improved. Mine is starting his job on Monday though so I can’t complain about the job situation.

Dishes and glasses have to be brought down every day and put in the dishwasher. Towels must not be on the floor. Bedding must be stripped and bed changed once a week. Stuff has been sorted out - DH made him sort out tech stuff. Took a few days but the room is ok and we’re moving forward.

RoyalImpatience · 02/08/2023 18:24

Don't they start too apply before they leave uni

elephantandorchid · 02/08/2023 18:25

I found rules don't work in our house. I've had more success though in asking if dc can make a meal, or take a turn in emptying the dishwasher, so a more task focused approach.

RaininSummer · 02/08/2023 18:25

Tell them getting a job is their job and when they are not applying for jobs they help around the house. Can go to the gym and socialise when they have done these things sufficiently like a real grown up.

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 18:28

He is a good kid but he lived with his gf for two years (after the lockdown year) and the flat was quite frankly minging and rather than clean it themselves they paid for an end of tenancy clean 🙈🙈 so he’s got into bad habits while he’s been away.

OP posts:
TennisWithDeborah · 02/08/2023 18:31

If he wants to regress and behave like a 14 year old he can have a 10 o’ clock curfew too, with limits on screen time.

Seriously, sit down with him and have a chat. He’s probably a bit nervous about the future and let’s face it, this cohort has not had a brilliant uni experience following what happened in early 2020. But that doesn’t give him the right to behave selfishly.

Cookerhood · 02/08/2023 18:32

Yep, I've got one too. He's not been too bad so far, once the piles & piles of washing were cleared . "Please don't do it mum, I'll do it". Yes, but when? 😂
They've had a rough ride, this lot.

Ragwort · 02/08/2023 18:34

Sympathies... and my DS did that typical student thing the other day of washing up after cooking his own brunch but ignoring a couple of mugs left on the side from DH & I .... (maybe we shouldn't have left them Grin). Our DS didn't find a graduate job before leaving Uni - he did apply for a number which is disappointing for him so he is back with a temporary job in the pub he has been at for years. But to be honest I left Uni many years ago & couldn't find a graduate job... I don't think it's as easy as people think.

GoodChat · 02/08/2023 18:38

It's not nagging if you tell him once and he responds like an adult.

Sittingish · 02/08/2023 18:41

My son is back after his first year. He is lazy as hell but would not do this at home as he respects me too much. He would be mortified if I cleaned up after him as he sees how hard I work.

Clear boundaries from day one OP. He lives with your rules or leaves. It is not fair for you all to live with his detritus.

FrenchBoule · 02/08/2023 18:46

Ask him to pitch in as an adult,if not then haul all his shit to his bed. If this doesn’t work then time for him to find his own place.

NeverTrustAPoliceman · 02/08/2023 18:56

Please don't keep blaming the pandemic for their inability to behave as a decent adult. It did not affect their ability to pick up towels or stack the dishwasher.

LlynTegid · 02/08/2023 19:05

@NeverTrustAPoliceman 100% agree.

Time for tough love OP.

cloudsandream · 02/08/2023 19:08

It’s only been two days since he arrived home, two. When I moved back home when I finished uni afew years back my parents were kind enough to give me atleast a week to settle back in and unpack at my own pace. Leaving a bustling student lifestyle back to your parents home can mostly definitely be a cultural shock. It can be alot to process.

I’m lucky enough my parents were patient when I applied for jobs and supported me. They didn’t bitch about me online nor did they enforce harsh rules or threaten to kick me out like many mothers on this forum do. General consensus on mumsnet consists of women hating on their adult children for returning home when the rent and job market is absolutely bollocks right now. Madness.

AndyMcFlurry · 02/08/2023 19:11

cloudsandream · 02/08/2023 19:08

It’s only been two days since he arrived home, two. When I moved back home when I finished uni afew years back my parents were kind enough to give me atleast a week to settle back in and unpack at my own pace. Leaving a bustling student lifestyle back to your parents home can mostly definitely be a cultural shock. It can be alot to process.

I’m lucky enough my parents were patient when I applied for jobs and supported me. They didn’t bitch about me online nor did they enforce harsh rules or threaten to kick me out like many mothers on this forum do. General consensus on mumsnet consists of women hating on their adult children for returning home when the rent and job market is absolutely bollocks right now. Madness.

Yeah I recommend you leave Mumsnet now, as we are all so hateful . I think you’d like net mums, it’s very fluffy .

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 19:11

I am not bitching about him online, I am merely venting while maintaining serene patience with him face to face and indeed giving him some breathing space to settle back into being home.

He doesn’t drink so didn’t do that side of student life, he is also autistic. He’s probably missing his gf though.

But agree with PP the pandemic did bog turn them into slobs 🤣🤣🤣

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Original poster
TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 19:13

*not

OP posts:
Goatymum · 02/08/2023 19:21

Not finished uni yet but back for summer., thankfully working 4/5 days a week but also cups/plates in room for days on end which is grim. Also detritus gets left around the house. It’s obv what they do in their uni house too!
Not too bad otherwise but probably cos they have a routine of sorts with work.
Once they graduate, if they come home I’ll be expecting some level of board paid even if they are working in a pub and trying to get work in their field. Also will not be picking up after them/laundry etc (don’t mind so much in the holidays as their term times are pretty full on).

Original poster
TheSlowRush · 02/08/2023 19:25

I was just really enjoying living alone 🤣🤣🙈🙈🙈

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/08/2023 19:26

I would tell him living with you and benefiting from cheap board is dependent on him his pulling his weight. He can live like a slob in his own place, not yours.

Point out some local househares to show him you mean it!

oddandelsewhere · 02/08/2023 19:36

My boys are 30 and 31 and I would give anything for them to be home for that last summer before setting off into the future of London, professional jobs and true independence. Make the most of them while you can.

ChristmasFluff · 02/08/2023 20:06

My son's been with me for a year, saving for his Masters.

I've loved it. He had summer off (about 6 weeks) after finishing his degree, because he worked so hard during it and I loved having time with him. Then he got a job and has worked there ever since.

He's now due to leave and whilst I'm looking forward to my own space and routines again, I'll miss him and I'm glad I didn't spend loads of time nagging him about his room. But we've never had food in the bedrooms, so it isn't insanitary, just messy. He always sorts his washing and doesn't leave towels on the floor - never has done. He tidies up at night before he goes to bed - because he always has.

He is not neurotypical, so he does like to stick to his routines, but I raised him to play his part. It's by no means 50/50 because I am his mother and it's my pleasure to look after him - cooking and making his lunch for work etc. But he's not a slob and he's never been any bother to me.

I'm like the PP - make the most of them while you have them.