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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have reported this to 101

45 replies

elm26 · 02/08/2023 15:27

I was walking today with my 10 week old DD in her pram and my dog.

It's a local "lodge" (cafe, multiple greens and football pitches surrounding and some woods).

I was sat on a bench under some trees taking shelter from the rain and using the ball thrower for my dog and a man came up and asked if I knew how to copy and paste an email address to his brother on WhatsApp. My sister has autism and the way he spoke/moved etc reminded me of her and the email address I helped him send to his brother was our local community mental health team email (I know this as was referred to them a few years ago). I helped him and he said thank you and sat on a bench behind me.

He then came back asking me where I lived, what baby was called etc. I gave vague details "I live in London" for example not an exact area, I told him my babies name as her middle name and he'd heard me call my dog back with the ball so knew his name. I didn't want to ignore him or refuse to give details as I was on my own and don't know if he'd of got angry or frustrated etc.

He then tried to unzip my daughters rain cover and put his hand in, I said "no, leave her she is sleeping" and moved the pram away, he was then calling my dog to him and kept grabbing the ball as I was trying to get it so my dog was following him. I said I needed to leave and said goodbye and started walking but he was following and kept trying to grab the pram and asking me if he could walk her around the field, he said he had plenty of experience with babies as he had two grandchildren. (I would of guessed he was late 30s) and he said he couldn't remember their names. I kept removing his hand off the pram telling him that I'm pushing her.

This area is normally very busy in the holidays but today I could only see a few young teenagers on bikes where I was, no adults.

I text my husband to call me immediately because I felt unsafe because of him trying to touch my DD, take her pram etc. DH called and started to ask me questions that I could give answers to that wouldn't let the man cotton on "if he's following you say yeah you would like pizza for dinner" etc. unfortunately my DH is working in an area with bad signal and kept cutting off. I started walking quickly across the field towards the cafe and noticed he'd gone.

Once I reached the cafe, he appeared from the other side of it, shouting questions to me like "what is your name again I can't remember?" etc he carried on following me to the car park and once he/I saw people getting in and out of cars he turned around and left. I was in a panic by then in case he waited until they'd gone off or left and was trying to get DD in her car seat, the pram and dog in the boot etc quickly as possible and get in and lock the doors but you know when you're in a bit of a panic and can't seem to do anything quick, the pram wouldn't collapse properly etc. I then noticed he was walking around the car park.

Once I got home, I reported to 101. However, now I feel bad as I do think he was autistic or/and mental health issues. I was in a psychiatric hospital after I hit a low with my depression and I felt like he acted similar to people I met there, also the autistic traits I recognise from my sister and I'm worried he's going to get into trouble if he meant well, was just lonely, didn't understand that he was crossing boundaries.

Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
cyncope · 02/08/2023 15:31

To be honest as soon as he started following you and trying to grab your pram I'd have called 999 and told him to get away as you're calling the police.
Your DH isn't going to be able to do anything.

RedHelenB · 02/08/2023 15:33

It's hard ro say. Reading it I'd have not reported to the police, but if you felt at risk of harm then you did the right thing.

Sugarfish · 02/08/2023 15:33

That does sound pretty scary, I’ve had people follow me before but I imagine with a baby it would make you feel really vulnerable!

I think reporting it was the right thing. I know he didn’t actually commit a crime or anything, but he could be under care and gone missing? My grandad had dementia and wandered off from his care home a few times. The police were able to track him down so you may have even helped him.

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 15:34

cyncope · 02/08/2023 15:31

To be honest as soon as he started following you and trying to grab your pram I'd have called 999 and told him to get away as you're calling the police.
Your DH isn't going to be able to do anything.

I agree. And you should absolutely not feel bad OP, his health issues if he even has them are not your problem, and your priority is your baby's safety and your own.

Bearpawk · 02/08/2023 15:40

I would have dialled 999 as soon as I tried to put his hands inside my baby's clothes and followed me.

Bearpawk · 02/08/2023 15:41

As soon as *HE Tried to put his hands inside my baby's clothes

elm26 · 02/08/2023 15:41

Maybe I should have dialled 999 but I didn't want to anger him, I was in a field by myself it my 10 week old and a spaniel who loves everyone (even if I was being attacked I don't think he'd react). I didn't know this man, he could have had a knife or had violent tendencies. I just didn't know what to do in the moment I just wanted to get my baby and dog safely away as quick as possible.

OP posts:
elm26 · 02/08/2023 15:42

@Bearpawk it wasn't her clothes, he was unzipping the rain cover to put his hand in, he didn't try and get under her clothes.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 02/08/2023 15:44

cyncope · 02/08/2023 15:31

To be honest as soon as he started following you and trying to grab your pram I'd have called 999 and told him to get away as you're calling the police.
Your DH isn't going to be able to do anything.

This, you should have dialled 999 but whatever number you did call you were right, he frightened you and tried to touch your baby. Are you OK now?

Market1 · 02/08/2023 15:45

I would also have called 999 - a stranger tried to wrest your baby away from you! Even if he was autistic, this is completely unacceptable, dangerous and if he isn't responsible for his actions, then somebody else should have been

Marblessolveeverything · 02/08/2023 15:50

You did the right thing his behaviour was not appropriate. No matter the circumstances it needs noting. If there are issues then it has highlighted a need to reinforce social rules.

We live near a centre that provides support to young men who are the spectrum there have been 100s over the years all grand. Unfortunately there was one young man who was involved in incidents like your experience. I notice he is now with a support person now and he justs says hello etc. Hopefully he is simply getting the cues wrong and guidance can be reiterated.

nadine90 · 02/08/2023 15:50

You did the right thing reporting.
Either he knows this isn't ok and needs to be dealt with, or he doesn't and needs it explaining to him. You don't want others upset and frightened as you were, and if he meant well you could be saving him getting attacked for triggering a "fight" response as opposed to your "flight".

Maddy70 · 02/08/2023 15:50

He does sound as if he has sen but if you were frightened you did the right thing

elm26 · 02/08/2023 15:54

Thanks everyone, you've helped me feel a bit better.

Again, I just relate back to my sister as she oversteps boundaries sometimes and needs them explaining to her. She recently got upset as she tried to lift DD up by her arms and my Dad calmly reminded her and showed her that we pick a baby up "this way instead" and she got really tearful thinking she was in trouble and then was scared to hold baby for a couple of weeks even though nobody acted negatively towards her so I just feel a little bad in case like PP's have mentioned he could be harmless and just needs reminding of boundaries etc.

OP posts:
YesIReallyDidOK · 02/08/2023 15:55

That sounds very scary 😟. I probably wouldn't have dialled 999 in that situation either in case it angered him, but I just wanted to let you know that if your number is registered with 999 you can text them. Text REGISTER to 999, and then reply Y to their reply. It makes me feel a bit safer knowing I have the option.

Fuckingfumin · 02/08/2023 15:58

I'd have called 999 but that's with hindsight!

In the moment I probably would have done the same thing.

You poor bugger

JudgeAnderson · 02/08/2023 15:58

Reporting him is for his own good too, someone might react very badly to him in future.
I'm willing to guess though that he knows damn well what he was doing was wrong and wouldn't have done it to a large man.

FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 16:02

OP, this man could be harmless like your sister, and he might not be. You had no way of knowing. It's not worth the risk to you and your baby.
Women give men the benefit of the doubt far too often. We also feel far too much misplaced guilt. Nobody will harm this man as a result of your report. As PP have said, either he knows what he did was wrong, or he doesn't and needs guidance and supervision.

Cheesusisgrate · 02/08/2023 16:03

elm26 · 02/08/2023 15:54

Thanks everyone, you've helped me feel a bit better.

Again, I just relate back to my sister as she oversteps boundaries sometimes and needs them explaining to her. She recently got upset as she tried to lift DD up by her arms and my Dad calmly reminded her and showed her that we pick a baby up "this way instead" and she got really tearful thinking she was in trouble and then was scared to hold baby for a couple of weeks even though nobody acted negatively towards her so I just feel a little bad in case like PP's have mentioned he could be harmless and just needs reminding of boundaries etc.

He knew the boundaries though. That's why he disappeared when there were people aroumd6

madeinmanc · 02/08/2023 16:03

Sounds absolutely terrifying, poor you.

elm26 · 02/08/2023 16:03

Oh thank you @YesIReallyDidOK I didn't know that! Will set that up x

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 02/08/2023 16:03

Thank you @YesIReallyDidOK that's really helpful.

elm26 · 02/08/2023 16:04

Thanks everyone x

OP posts:
neverbeenskiing · 02/08/2023 16:04

I'm worried he's going to get into trouble if he meant well, was just lonely, didn't understand that he was crossing boundaries.

As no offence has been commited then unless he's got previous the most that will happen is an advisory conversation with him, and possibly his carer if he has one, to explain why his behaviour could be perceived as intimidating. That's if they are able to identify him. You did the right thing. Look at it this way, next time he is over familiar with someone they might react aggressively. So although he might have no idea how he is coming across, as well as making others feel uncomfortable his behaviour is putting him at risk of being assaulted. You've done him a favour potentially.

AndTheSurveySays · 02/08/2023 16:05

Once I got home, I reported to 101. However, now I feel bad as I do think he was autistic or/and mental health issues

How far do you take this? Not report if he decided to run off with the baby or dog 'because he might have autism'?

He might be a bad person or he might just need boundaries and an action plan put in place to protect others from him. Either way the police and adult social care need to know otherwise they can't prevent him from possibly harming anyone in the future.

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