To have reported this to 101

[elm26]

I was walking today with my 10 week old DD in her pram and my dog.

It's a local "lodge" (cafe, multiple greens and football pitches surrounding and some woods).

I was sat on a bench under some trees taking shelter from the rain and using the ball thrower for my dog and a man came up and asked if I knew how to copy and paste an email address to his brother on WhatsApp. My sister has autism and the way he spoke/moved etc reminded me of her and the email address I helped him send to his brother was our local community mental health team email (I know this as was referred to them a few years ago). I helped him and he said thank you and sat on a bench behind me.

He then came back asking me where I lived, what baby was called etc. I gave vague details "I live in London" for example not an exact area, I told him my babies name as her middle name and he'd heard me call my dog back with the ball so knew his name. I didn't want to ignore him or refuse to give details as I was on my own and don't know if he'd of got angry or frustrated etc.

He then tried to unzip my daughters rain cover and put his hand in, I said "no, leave her she is sleeping" and moved the pram away, he was then calling my dog to him and kept grabbing the ball as I was trying to get it so my dog was following him. I said I needed to leave and said goodbye and started walking but he was following and kept trying to grab the pram and asking me if he could walk her around the field, he said he had plenty of experience with babies as he had two grandchildren. (I would of guessed he was late 30s) and he said he couldn't remember their names. I kept removing his hand off the pram telling him that I'm pushing her.

This area is normally very busy in the holidays but today I could only see a few young teenagers on bikes where I was, no adults.

I text my husband to call me immediately because I felt unsafe because of him trying to touch my DD, take her pram etc. DH called and started to ask me questions that I could give answers to that wouldn't let the man cotton on "if he's following you say yeah you would like pizza for dinner" etc. unfortunately my DH is working in an area with bad signal and kept cutting off. I started walking quickly across the field towards the cafe and noticed he'd gone.

Once I reached the cafe, he appeared from the other side of it, shouting questions to me like "what is your name again I can't remember?" etc he carried on following me to the car park and once he/I saw people getting in and out of cars he turned around and left. I was in a panic by then in case he waited until they'd gone off or left and was trying to get DD in her car seat, the pram and dog in the boot etc quickly as possible and get in and lock the doors but you know when you're in a bit of a panic and can't seem to do anything quick, the pram wouldn't collapse properly etc. I then noticed he was walking around the car park.

Once I got home, I reported to 101. However, now I feel bad as I do think he was autistic or/and mental health issues. I was in a psychiatric hospital after I hit a low with my depression and I felt like he acted similar to people I met there, also the autistic traits I recognise from my sister and I'm worried he's going to get into trouble if he meant well, was just lonely, didn't understand that he was crossing boundaries.

Did I do the right thing?

You did the right thing.

I've got nearly a decade experience working with autistic adults, and adults with learning disabilities. We've supported quite a few people, mainly males, who, while we know are "harmless", exhibit behaviour that is intrusive, inappropriate and upsetting to members of the public. Basically, it doesn't matter what condition or disability someone has: if they make you feel uncomfortable or unsafe, you are entitled to (and should) respond in the same way you would if anyone made you feel uncomfortable or unsafe.

The issue comes when law enforcement don't know how to respond to people with learning disabilities/autism; but, that is not your problem nor your fault! There are many instances where police will be aware of people in the community who act like this and the reasons for it. At the daycentre I used to work at, we'd often be updated by local police of incidents that had taken place involving a service user of ours. If appropriate/necessary we'd speak to the person about it and try to help them understand. Individuals should also have a support network of a social worker/s, their own support workers, etc., who are aware of risk factors like this and can intervene in whatever way is appropriate if the police report that something's happened.

Of course, many individuals sadly slip through the net, but again, it's not your responsibility, especially as a lone woman with an infant in an isolated area, to do the mental and emotional gymnastics and work out whether you might cause any harm by calling the authorities in a situation like this. People with LD and autism need to experience the consequences of their actions just like everyone else, so that they can learn from the world around them, see what happens when they act in a certain way, and choose how to act in the future.

I'm saying this as an autistic adult (low support needs) myself.

Good point.
OP he is not your sister and you have no idea whether he has autism. I hope people here have reassured you and you'll stop beating yourself up.

Clarity: when I say "speak to the person involved and help them understand" I mean the person who attended our service and was involved in an incident where they behaved inappropriately, NOT that we'd speak to a person who'd been the "victim" or receiver of that behaviour or treatment.

You did the right thing. Even if he had no ill intent, one day he is either going to be harmed by someone else or he MAY hurt someone. Either way, any services that support him should be aware to try and make sure the correct safeguarding is in place.

You done the right thing, it was a very scary situation.

You have no idea how/who he is so I wouldn't jump to what if he has Sen I then feel bad. It doesn't matter, he scared you and done something that wasn't right.

Hope your ok.

I'm not sure if he sounds like hes neurodiverse or mentally ill in some way, but you owed him nothing op. Your sister is different.
It must have been so scary for you.

That must have been SO scary!!!! 😱
It was nice of you to consider his reasons, and also, I definitely understand why you thought he would react badly if you called 999 although calling it would definitely have been valid, so you did the best with what you knew.
I would have been so scared!!!

I am not criticising you, but do you think it would have been a better outcome if you informed the cafe staff? Were you near enough?
well done for managing!

@Startyabastard in the moment, I just wanted to get to my car as quick as possible.

In hindsight, maybe I should have dialled 999 and just left the call for them to hear me telling him to stop grabbing the pram etc as they could have traced my location or I should have just gone to the cafe but in the moment I was on autopilot. X

You kept yourself and your baby safe and that's the main thing.

I wouldn't try to diagnose someone in that situation again though, or decide that it's ok because they might have autism/lds/a mental health condition. You can't possibly know and it doesn't mean they are necessarily safe or have good intentions anyway.

You absolutely did the right thing . Your daughter comes first.

Sounds very like my brother who is an addict. I actually wondered if it was him until you said he was trying to grab the baby's clothes, then again if he was especially drunk, he'd probably think he was helping. He'll pester anyone with a dog, especially younger women going as far as running off to buy dog treats. Another trick is to hang about places like parks, coffee shops or pubs with his bloody dog treats. He's a creep and has trouble understanding his behaviour makes people uneasy and he has trouble understanding the word no.

You were right to call 101 imo as these people need to be told in no uncertain terms that strangers often do not need to be approached like this. It does seem harsh if the person has SEN but really its safer as they may need a little extra help in understanding social norms.

@elm26 I can see your point, in fact I think I would have 100% done the same xxx

Oh love, that sounds really scary. You absolutely did the right thing (I'd have done the same), and you have nothing to feel bad about. Whatever his intentions, he made you feel unsafe and you reporting it may mean that either he has someone sit down and explain what he can and can't reasonably do, or that it doesn't happen to someone else. Hope you're okay now

You did the right thing.

I had an elderly neighbour when my children were very young and he started following me around. I'd go to put my kids in the car and he'd be there, just behind me when I turned around.

One day, I'd put the kids in the car and he came to the door of the house (I'd just popped back in for something and left door open. He came into the hallway and kind of cornered me. I was really scared as my kids were outside in the car.

The dirty old bastard then asked me if I'd like to do him some 'favours' and he'd pay me. I acted as though I didn't know what he was talking about and he elaborated. I say no and told him to leave.
He did leave and I reported it to the police. They came to see me and said there wasn't much they could do apart from talk to him.

It's horrid when kids are involved.

I think the calm/defusing approach is better tbh. Not like the police would necessarily be there within 20 mins. Even 5-10 mins is a long time if things really kick off.

I've noticed a sharp increase in the number of people with obvious mental health issues wandering around alone.

These situations have always occurred, women have always handled them to the best of their ability and worried about if they got it right afterwards.

Staying calm, protecting you and yours, diffusing, and getting to where others are, and to where the person isn't, all correct. Letting the police know without creating a crisis out of it - also correct.

With services and help cut to the bone, more people who need assistance to navigate life are being left to manage or not, alone. Society, which they are part of, is expected to manage. The police are being expected to pick up the pieces when it doesn't.

Gentle reminder to other posters: SEN stands for special educational needs and covers a range of things and doesn't mean the same as SN, a permanent disability resulting in special needs. (above and beyond educational ones)

SEN's can be temporary, permanent, or task specific, can often be aided/improved, and cover things including dyslexia, dyscalcula and dyspraxia.

People with SN are likely to also have SEN's but many with SEN's don't come under the banner of SN.

I just wanted to chip in and say as an aside what a lovely, kind and empathetic person you sound like. Please don’t give yourself a hard time it sounds like you did the best you could do at the time…hindsight is a wonderful thing. To be honest I think I would have done similar or I would have tried to get to the cafe and tried to mentally distract him until I got there and then dealt with things with other adults around (not saying this is the right thing to do just probably what I would have done on the spot…knowing how my brain works). I would have reported this to 101. I’ve experience of working with children and adults with SEN and even if he does have SEN then at least hopefully it will filter down to whatever professionals are involved in supporting this person (if that’s the case).

interesting reading some of the comments. I find different points of view really helpful in looking at how I might plan for something should something similar happen to me. Just to try and make you feel better though weird things have happened to me before and I’ve kicked myself for not reacting differently and mentally replayed events over again. I guess it’s the brains way of going into protection mode. I had one older gentleman approach me and my four children in a tea shop and he started filming me and then the kids and I should have stopped him straight the way but instead I completely froze for a few seconds and then I got the children and just moved infront of them and left with the kids. He was with many other tourists and I’m aware a huge cultural difference re taking pictures but I gave myself such a hard time for not asking him to stop straight the way…but I just froze and then left quickly with the kids (I guess fright flight freeze - I froze and then went into flight mode). I now have a mental plan for what to do if that happens again.

maybe avoid that place for a while too xxx

Hindsight is 2020 etc etc. But if similar happens again or if this happens to anyone reading this comment ring 999 and order a takeaway to your current address/location. The operator should realise that you are calling under duress/unsafe to talk openly and send police officers.

No matter if this man had issues or not, it does not excuse his behaviour, it was wrong. He tried to touch your baby and also take her pram. He also demonstrated he knew this behaviour was wrong if he went away as soon as you were around other people.