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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At what age did/does your child…

37 replies

Pixieb34 · 02/08/2023 10:00

Do things for themselves? Things such as wash themselves, brush own their teeth, get themselves a drink, get themselves some cereal for breakfast, dress themselves?
I know there maybe different ages for these particular tasks to be done independently but by what age would you expect they’re able to do them all?
My kids (now teenagers) could definitely do them by 7. AIBU to expect that a 7 (almost 8 yr old) could do these without just asking someone to do them every time?

OP posts:
thirdistheonewiththehairychest · 02/08/2023 10:04

I'm also wondering at what age I can expect my kids to dry their own hair and cut their own toenails 🤔

LampHat · 02/08/2023 10:07

My 8 year old can do all these but never without being asked 😑

LampHat · 02/08/2023 10:08

Sorry I misread. Yes he can do them himself but I have to nag. YANBU.

doingthehokeykokey · 02/08/2023 10:11

brush own their teeth
-8, possibly later and checked.
get themselves a drink
-5, but water
get themselves some cereal for breakfast

  • we have a cooked breakfast, but cereal, 5 maybe
dress themselves school age
SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 10:12

My just turned 8 year old can do all of that bar breakfast, because I like doing it for her. She makes her own sandwiches at lunch sometimes.

Blueskysunflower · 02/08/2023 10:14

Depends how you define “do things for themselves”.

Mine could physically do those things at 7 (bar the cereal, but that’s because it’s in a cupboard inaccessible to them). Probably by 3 or 4 for the dressing themselves and getting a drink bit. I insisted on supervised tooth brushing until around age 7 and although they struggled to wash their own hair until about 7-8 they could wash their own body as preschoolers.

They still wouldn’t spontaneously just go and wash, brush teeth etc reliably without being told to though even now and the oldest is a tween. So in that sense they don’t “do it for themselves” - though they do have some neurodivergence. And if they had the option of Mummy getting them a drink or whatever rather than doing it themselves they’d absolutely take it, but I just tell them Mummy is not a waitress and if they’re thirsty they know where the tap is.

ladygindiva · 02/08/2023 10:17

My dentist brushes his kids teeth for them at age 7 and urges me to do the same as he says they rarely do it well enough independently at that age.

Star36 · 02/08/2023 10:17

MY daughter is 5 years old and shes having shower by herself (I only help to wash the hair). She dress up for the kindergarten, help herself with the breakfast cereal (or make herself a sandwich). She also knows how to use washing machine and hoover, help me make a morning coffee e.g. She showed me the interest to help me and i let her be more independent

OverTheRainCoat · 02/08/2023 10:19

DD could do all these things at 6. It's possible though that she would have been capable of doing them earlier but we had just never asked her to. She became significantly more independent at 6 when her sibling came along probably bexause she had to.

However, nothing gets done without nagging. Sometimes I'm tempted to just do things myself for her to get her to speed up a bit.

She loves getting her own breakfast though. It's the eating of it that requires nagging...

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 10:27

SemperIdem · 02/08/2023 10:12

My just turned 8 year old can do all of that bar breakfast, because I like doing it for her. She makes her own sandwiches at lunch sometimes.

These are things she has been doing for years now.

Brushing her teeth is particularly deeply ingrained, she hasn’t needed reminding for a long (but I do check for my own peace of mind).

doingthehokeykokey · 02/08/2023 10:32

I think dentists say young kids rarely do a good enough job at their own teeth.

Hungryfrogs23 · 02/08/2023 10:49

My DD is 6 and can do all that stuff for herself. It isn't unreasonable to encourage independence. Even her nursery encouraged them to serve their own lunch, pour their own drink, clean their face after meals etc.
Teeth I still help with to ensure it is done thoroughly enough but she does them first and I go over them to double check.

homeforme · 02/08/2023 10:52

My kids (now teenagers) could definitely do them by 7. AIBU to expect that a 7 (almost 8 yr old) could do these without just asking someone to do them every time?

Yes YABU. This isn't about your 7 year old, so what's the context? They are all different you know and some need more support and guidance than others. That's not a failing business n anyone's part; in fact it's a positive parenting skill to be able to work with the child you have instead of having the 'should be able to do X at Y age' train of thought.

homeforme · 02/08/2023 10:52

Ignore the random 'business' in there ^

prescribingmum · 02/08/2023 11:32

Children are currently 5 and 6. They can do all those things themselves but choose when they want to!

TropicalTrama · 02/08/2023 11:35

My 6YO can do all of those but does need prompting to do teeth and shower and the occasional reminder to dress appropriately for the weather/activity.

givemushypeasachance · 02/08/2023 11:40

Friends have a just turned 7 year old and he doesn't really do any of that - if clothes are got out for him and he's prompted/nagged he will dress himself, but he still tries to get an adult to do things like putting shoes on for him if he can (just velcro so he can do it he prefers not to). Until recently he's preferred to use a potty still when at home, out for his younger brother, rather than bothering to go to the bathroom to use the toilet!

I would have assumed he might like to be independent and do more things for himself by now, but he tends to want someone to do it for him instead unless it's something fun or novel like wanting to help cut up fruit to make a smoothie.

ManateeFair · 02/08/2023 11:45

AIBU to expect that a 7 (almost 8 yr old) could do these without just asking someone to do them every time?

Well, obviously it depends on the 8-year-old. Assuming they don't have special needs that make these tasks particularly difficult for them, then yeah, I'd certainly expect them to be able to do all those things. However, if they've never had to do them because their parents do everything for them all the time, then the child hasn't had the chance to learn. So it's the parents rather than the child who are the problem I think.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews of varying ages and I think any one of them would have considered it very babyish and embarrassing to be unable to do those things without help.

GG1986 · 02/08/2023 12:08

My 7 year has just started becoming a bit more independent and doing all the above. Won't wipe her own bum though ffs!

onlynotafan · 02/08/2023 12:11

Mine is a tall 4 and can do most things on that list. But we've always known that she is developmentally a year or two ahead of other kids her age.

ladygindiva · 02/08/2023 12:12

homeforme · 02/08/2023 10:52

My kids (now teenagers) could definitely do them by 7. AIBU to expect that a 7 (almost 8 yr old) could do these without just asking someone to do them every time?

Yes YABU. This isn't about your 7 year old, so what's the context? They are all different you know and some need more support and guidance than others. That's not a failing business n anyone's part; in fact it's a positive parenting skill to be able to work with the child you have instead of having the 'should be able to do X at Y age' train of thought.

This. The op strikes me as one of those " other people are doing it wrong " type of ops I have no time for. The only wrong way to brush teeth/ wash/ get snacks etc as far as I'm concerned is to not see that it's done at all. Everyone does stuff / gains independence at different ages and for different reasons. I may as well ask " my children could all read at the age of 4, so therefore everyone else should to, aibu?" Just do you and let others do them.

TeenDivided · 02/08/2023 12:12

It depends on whether the expectation has been set for them.
e.g. if a parent always gets their breakfast at the same time as getting younger siblings, then the expectation won't be there.

Wrongsideofpennines · 02/08/2023 12:14

My child is only 2 and can wash her body apart from hair. She can also put on a pair of pants, trousers and shoes independently. Obviously she still needs verbal prompts a lot of the time but at 7 I would hope they're dressing independently for PE at school.

Teeth brushing the recommendation is to assist/supervise until 7.

stayathomer · 02/08/2023 12:18

I have an eight year old that can do all of these things and a ten year old that would wait until the morning to brush his teeth if you left him to it!

Newname211 · 02/08/2023 12:20

Owner of a 7, nearly 8 year old:

washing herself - she’s done this for about a year, with me shouting random body parts from the door. Prior to this she would wash in any old order (so bum then face, for example) - in the past 6 months or so I just verbally check she’s washed everywhere, and she doesn’t smell so I’m guessing she’s honest.
brushing teeth - still a fight, does it under our supervision to make sure it’s done properly.
breakfast - no. Milk is out of her reach (integrated appliances) but she theoretically can and has done in the past.
a drink - yes, providing she already has a cup (again, out of reach)
dress herself - has done since preschool (3ish) - may need help to get clothes from wardrobe

She theoretically has the skill to do each thing independently, but logistically it isn’t always possible - particularly in the mornings before work/school.