Does my mum love me

[systematicreview]

I’m 37 years old and I have never felt loved by my mum. I’m sure she must do, deep down, because which mother doesn’t? but after having daughters of my own and learning about the mother daughter relationship I feel like I just never had that and lately it’s been making me feel awful. It’s been making me feel awful my whole life, but recently I’ve been feeling devastated by it. My mum will gossip about me with her sisters and wider family, I’ve never been able to live up to her expectations no matter what I have achieved in life. I did a PhD, but ‘I’m not a real doctor’. I got married and have kids and a mortgage, but she doesn’t particularly like my husband and she doesn’t like the house. I’m looking after my dad who is in palliative care, and she doesn’t like how much time I’m spending with him over her (messy divorce). I had a baby through IVF (after fertility issues which I didn’t want to share with anyone) she’s told everyone she knows. She feels like I have not amounted to anything, that she doesn’t like my husband, that I don’t visit her enough, that I never listen to her, that my parenting style is all wrong, etc etc. Recently I have been told by several family members that with my mum, the topic of conversation will always turn to me - a couple of times some aunts have tried to stick up for me and say no actually she isn’t as bad as you say. A few weeks back mum came round and from the moment I opened the door it was all ‘you’ve put on weight, you can’t cook, you can’t drive, you can’t even handle work and parenting, I was a single mum and I did it all’ etc etc. She even calls my daughter by her middle name as she doesn’t like the one I chose. She’s my mum and she’s 70 and I have to show her respect and be nice and civil to her but I often just end up sulking up to my room like a teenager. Or sometimes I might confront her about her behaviour but it never registers with her; it’s always just come back to me, that I’m the problem, I need to be better with her, that other daughters show their mothers much more love and affection. That time she came round, after she left, I closed the front door and cried until the next morning. I would never want to make my beautiful perfect angel daughters feel like this, why does she do it to me? The next morning at around 5am I texted her that I was upset, I cried all night because of all her put downs, and why can’t she just be nice to me, for the sake of her grandchildren at least. She texted back to say she was sorry. A few weeks later however, she’s back to normal. She loves her grandkids though so that’s a positive. I know there’s always two sides to every story and perhaps it is me, I am the problem. But has anyone else been in this situation with their daughter/ mother? What is the solution? I’ve tried sitting down, talking, talking with another family member, it always just ends in her talking about her own difficult life with such little empathy and regard for me, her own daughter. What have you done in these situations?

I think she loves you but maybe she’s jealous and resentful of your life? Sounds like you have achieved a lot while she had to struggle, and she likes to blame you for everything.

I can’t imagine how people can be jealous of their own children but I’ve seen it happen a lot and I think that’s what’s happening here.

Your post is heartbreaking OP and I can't understand why your mother is treating you like that. I'm a similar age to her (bit younger) and have a daughter a bit older than you, but I would never in a million years treat her like that.

I've no idea why she does it, seemingly only to you, but as a PP said maybe she is jealous of you. I really think therapy could help give you strategies to cope and handle her.

In the meantime please try to ignore her nastiness, hard as it is and maybe start to withdraw from her.

Your mom sounds like she has issues. I'm sure she loves you deep down but doesn't know how to show it. She should have learned by now. Don't let her treat you like a doormat, tell her you love her but don't appreciate the way she speaks to you and if it continues she won't be a part of your life.

No OP you don't need to show her respect or put up with her awful treatment.

This is nothing to do with you as a person, you just have a selfish Mother.

Look up F O G (fear obligation guilt )

Make the change for you and you child.

You sound like a lovely person and she should be lucky you even talk to her.

She's treating you really badly. You don't deserve it and it's not your fault. She's not a good grandmother either. Being a good grandmother requires treating the parents of the children with respect. I think you should reduce contact and don't feel any guilt. Maybe see her a couple of times a year.

Unfortunately she is probably the result of terrible parenting and is perpetuating the cycle. At least it sounds as though you are aware enough not to repeat it on your own children.

Check out Liberation Therapy - (1) Facebook

I’m sorry OP. This must suck for you.

I don’t know your mum so can’t really guess her reasons for behaving as she does. Jealousy? Issues with her own life? Wanting to control you? You could drive yourself mad trying to diagnose her.

What I do know though is that if she didn’t love you she wouldn’t be as interested in you or your life. Parents who don’t love their children tend not to care at all.

It sounds like her love is very misplaced and you do not deserve to be criticised and judged. But if you are worried if she loves you at all or you are worthy of love; you are worthy of love and i’m sure she does love you.

Try if you can not to seek her approval so much. Who cares if she likes your house. It’s yours not hers. Who cares if she agrees with your parenting. Your kids not hers. Live your life for you x

Didn't read all of it it she sounds terrible and you sound lovely. Sorry you have this situation

Urgh, sorry but she sounds spectacularly horrible. Have you ever asked her directly why she's so critical of you? Although I suspect she'd deny it.
I also suspect she does love you, but is it possible she was heavily criticised by one of her parents and is repeating the cycle? Or would she have preferred a son? Or does she hold you (completely wrongly) in way responsible for her divorce? Or she might just be a really unpleasant person, but Tell her how you feel. Tell her she needs to stop criticising and belittling you, and if she can't behave go low or no contact, and don't feel guilty.

OP none of this is your fault, unfortunately some parents can be lousy and your mum sounds like one of these parents. In contrast, you sound like you have done particularly well in life! Please recognise that your mums behaviour is significantly affecting your wellbeing and confidence, you don’t have a duty to put up with abuse, upset and belittling due to the ‘mum’ title. In actual fact a proper mother would not in no circumstances hurt and demean her own child in this way. Do you really want this behaviour round your child? It seems every occasion the gets she’s talking behind your back, gossiping about private things you have asked her not to speak about. In honesty, she sounds jealous of your youth and quite frankly obsessed. I’d have distanced myself a long time ago.

It isn’t you or anything you’ve done. She is simply a rubbish mum, a nasty person and a bully. Unfortunately she won’t change, ever, no matter what you do.

Since you have nothing to lose and you have tried telling her kindly, next time you could blast her and see if it shocks her. Sometimes bullies only recognise their own language. Eg if she comes round and says your cooking is shit, tell her that her parenting is shit and she’s to get out of your house immediately. It sounds dramatic, but you can say it calmly and mean it.

also,

She’s my mum and she’s 70 and I have to show her respect and be nice and civil to her ..

No, you do not! You don’t have to love and respect anyone who treats you the way she does. She is not entitled to insult and humiliate you just because she is your mother.

I had a very difficult mother, but I moved to another continent and that helped so much as contact was mostly via phone and letters. As that is probably not an option for you, in your shoes I would distance myself and avoid interacting with her as much as possible.

Don’t give her power over you by seeking her approval, she is not a nice person. See her for what she is, and reject her in your heart and mind.

If she starts criticizing you, walk away from her. If she confronts you, tell her you don’t want to hear it and she needs to leave. Refuse to let her continue to treat you like this!!

I'm sorry OP that sounds difficult. Do you know what her upbringing was like? She probably does love you deep down but it sounds like you need something from her (that every daughter needs, so not your fault) that she just isn't capable of giving. She doesn't sound like she has the empathy or emotional intelligence to undertake the self analysis that would be required before she can change her behaviour.

I think all you can realistically do it put down some boundaries. Put it in writing if you need to. Eg mum I love spending time with you but don't find it easy because you often criticise me. You mention frequently that you don't like my house, husband, job, methods of transport etc etc when you see me even though you know this makes me upset and ive made it clear I'm happy with my choices. I need to protect my feelings so from now on if you criticise me I will be cutting our conversation/ phone call/ visit short. Hopefully this means we can spend more time together without any negativity. Thanks for understanding

You haven't done anything wrong here. Did she have parents that did the same to her? If that's all they know they struggle to see any wrongdoing in their behaviour, it's 'normal' to them.
My mother proved to me she didn't love me & that I'd always been the scapegoat. I simply asked for her to respect my choices as an adult because I was fed up of receiving the silent treatment for making choices she wouldn't, she told me to fuck off forever, never bother with her or my dad again and then proceeded to turn up at my door a month later shouting and screaming abuse.
Then told everyone in my family how I stopped her seeing her grandchildren. They also don't speak to me now. For reference, yes I stopped visiting her with my young children when she told me to get lost forever, why would I want that person in mine & my children's lives?
I just wish my own mother had the capacity to apologise even once for her (awful) behaviour, but she's never wrong.

One question - do you think your children don’t notice? Well, believe me, they do. If not totally yet, they will. If this was a husband/partner it would be classified as domestic abuse. It’s no different being your parent. Some people are just crap parents and sometimes, one child is targeted. It’s nothing to do with you specifically. I’d suggest that you talk to someone who can help you unpack all of this. Unfortunately, the only way to protect yourself and you family is to back away (probably completely). Her issue, her loss

Mentally, would it help you to term it as “she loves me, in her own way”? Or alternatively/at the same time, accept you deserve better and cut contact.

My mother was academically draconian, acerbic and refused all physical touch after the toddler stage…the closest I ever got was being allowed to stand by her shoulder when I’d been ill. No cuddles or kisses or sitting in the settee together. And not even getting diagnosed as gifted was good enough. When she died I felt broken as I would never now know if she had ever loved me. But over the years, and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve thought about the things she did for me uncomplainingly too, and find some level of peace/acceptance that maybe, just maybe, in her own way she did. (I also learnt a few things after her death that helped me understand how she became as she did).

@Atalanta1 this resonated with me as my mum was similar to yours.

My mum was able to show far more love to my DCs (her GDCs) then she ever did to me.

I can relate. Sorry if this seems long.

Growing up I also felt unloved by my mother.. She used to say unkind things to me. I felt unwanted.at times. She would only say these unkind things to me when no one else was around and when she saw me in tears she'd then say she was joking,but then say unkind things again on another occasion.

I mentioned this to my own grown up daughter the other day. She was the first person I ever said this to. Now I'm telling you on here. My daughter was really shocked. I buried these memories until recently.

For most of my childhood I don't recall being shown any form of affection lby my mother like I show with my own children. (hugs, kisses etc). As an adult it was always me who initiated displays of affection with my mother by giving her a kiss on the cheek.

I have only heard her tell me she loves me once, and this was only a year ago, after I told her I loved her and I'm in my 50s now.

My dad however, showed me lots of love when I was growing up. I remember him always holding my hand if we went out, or wanting to take me with him if he was going out to the shops or somewhere else for the day. I cannot recall a time when my mother ever held my hand or even hugged me.I say to myself maybe she did but I was too young to remember. I don't ever remember even sitting on her lap, but I can remember sitting with my dad lots of times.

My dad made me feel very safe and would cook me food, buy me treats and just show 'care' in general, and always seemed to be emotionally available as well. He was a good dad.

As I got older I thought maybe the way my mother was brought up didnt involve alot of love, or maybe it was that back in her day parents were not as expressive with affection as they are now but she always spoke well of her own parents, so I accepted she probably loves me but can't show it

Recently I found out she'd been gossiping about me to other family members, and this took me right back to my childhood and made me question her love for me all over again, and I wondered whether she'd also gossiped about anything I'd shared with her over the years when I looked to her for 'support' as a mum (because other family members seemed to know my personal business, and this came out during a disagreement and was used against me) So everything I'd buried as a child came back.

I was very angry..It broke my trust. I couldn't even bear to see her for a long while. Out of respect for the fact that she's my mother, I have kept a relationship with her, although I see her much less frequently now. It's definitely not the same and I would never share anything with her ever again.

In my case if I were to put my finger on it, as a child growing up I sensed that her behaviour towards me related to the way my father treated me. and I think she was jealous of the relationship I had with my dad but I really don't know why.

They divorced when I was in my teens but growing up I remember it being said by one of my siblings that I was my dad's 'favourite'. I was too young at the time to know what that meant. I also sensed from my mother that she didn't want me to have a close relationship with my dad. I don't understand why. As a teen, I could definitely pick up a 'negative vibe' about me wanting to think well of my dad particularly when they were separating.

You mentioned that you care for your dad, so I wonder if your mums jealousy of you is in some way related to your dad, or maybe she could be just jealous of you in general who knows.

You need to protect yourself. Reduce contact. Learn techniques to tackle her negativity and be relentless - a few key phrases 'don't be so nasty mum', 'oh I don't think so', 'that's not the way most people see it', 'how unkind' - or return a phrase with a hard stare and question it 'why say that?, 'no sorry, I don't understand- explain it', 'but why would you say that?'....then eventually, 'oh, I see, a lot of people would think you were being nasty'.

And when it's relentless 'it's obvious you're not in a good mood today mum, so let's meet up another time, l need to pop to the shops anyway' (said while putting on your coat).

You shouldn't have this from your mum. Your kids will pick up on it. If I was close to you I would find it hard to watch. You can't really change her, but you can change you and in the same way that she has trained you to accept this (doubt she is as nasty to others) you can maybe train her that you don't accept it any more and she may be a bit better behaved.

Understandably, we all expect a certain level of love, care, respect and compassion from Mums.

We do.

It's something which is expected almost as a right.

What mother isn't loving.......giving unconditional love and care to their children. It's just what mothers do, isn't it?

But no. It isn't what all mothers do. It really isn't. Some mothers are incapable of being loving. Some mothers are incapable of putting their children first. Some mothers are selfish.

Some mothers had awful childhoods themselves and are resentful of their children

Some mothers are simply nasty people.

There are any number of reasons why there are many mothers out there who are not as we'd expect a mother to be

Your mother sounds HORRIBLE, OP. If I were you I'd go no contact for a while. Just for your own peace of mind. Be gentle with yourself. Remember that you're worthy of all the love in the world and your mother can't give that to you, but you can give it to yourself

And also remember that your mother won't change. This is who she is. For whatever reason, this is who she is.

I'm sorry OP, your mum sounds really difficult and hurtful. You don't have to put up with it just because she's your mother. There's lots of good advice on this thread about how to confront it live with it. I have a family member who is similar and I use the grey rock method (no emotional investment or personal information when talking to them) to help minimise their ability to attack me. It's a good first step if you're not yet ready to confront her behaviour. I hope things get better for you.

Sounds awful op. I'd say she's jealous of you tbh. You say she loves your daughter's but I'd be quite wary about them spending time alone with her as find it impossible to believe she won't be criticising you to them.

@THisbackwithavengeance I’m sorry you had such an experience, though glad grandchildren see a different side and you do too through them.
Mine disowned me aged sixteen, she didn’t approve of me having my eldest…last laugh was on her, eldest is a formidable lawyer who would have been her match.

I would go NC. When someone tramples all over you to make themselves feel good you need to get out of their path. Her behaviour is not that of a loving and supportive parent and you don’t have to endure it just because she gave birth to you. Extricate yourself for your own sanity and welfare, you have nothing to prove to her but nothing you do will ever be good enough because then she’ll have to stop treating you like a punching bag and you as her punching bag is what gives her life.

I have often wondered if my mum loves as she doesn't seem to love me in a 'normal' way. She has lashed out at me during very vulnerable times in my life, can be snappy, makes throwaway sweeping statements that stay with me for decades and is insecure but tries to mask it with a facade of not caring. She says things that make no sense and has totally inconsistent opinions about me, often contradicting herself. If one minute I'm too 'this', the next minute I'm too 'that'. It just never ends! There seems to be a running commentary going on in the background and it generally has to do with berating me for not being her, basically.

I think my mum loves me but is also jealous of how my life has turned out and yet also sees me as an extension of herself and not a separate person to her. I accept that she loves me in her own limited, emotionally damaged way and that I can't rely on her to define the boundaries of my worth. I've had to do that myself.

I think that my mum, and maybe yours, feel like powerless, ineffectual people in the passenger seat of their own lives. On one hand, they feel that we don't care about them and their comments are designed to have some effect on us because they feel so powerless, in that moment. The comments come from a confused place of anger, resentment and low self esteem and reflect the darkness within them.

All people are flawed human beings, some more than others, and parents are no different-first thing to accept. Our parents opinions of us don't define us is the second thing. Third: start establishing in yourself a new, more positive and empowering self talk to rewrite the story of your own worth. For me, it was embracing the fact that I'm a unique person with a right to live my own life. I don't want to be offensive to people with mental health problems, but I do identify a lot of the things my mum says as 'crazy' and it helps me not to place emphasis on any of her opinions.

I stated doing greyrock a few years ago and found that it's starved off a good deal of the comments. This got easier the more I worked on the above points and as time progressed I started to have compassion for the broken, vulnerable child I see flashing through her sometimes.

I think about all of the good qualities which I have that come from her, either genetically or through my upbringing and recognise the many good things she did do. I remember that she isn't a superhero just because she is a parent, so can hold a great deal of compassion for her. Sometimes I just see her as a tired child lashing out. I don't place the weight on her opinions any more. I am LC. Our relationship has improved a lot, but I've had therapy and moved far away.

Your mum does love you but you need to start loving yourself. Once you do that, you will be able to place boundaries with greater ease and will naturally discount a lot of what she says and behave accordingly. I recommend having therapy to navigate this relationship and take things from there.