Does my mum love me

[systematicreview]

I’m 37 years old and I have never felt loved by my mum. I’m sure she must do, deep down, because which mother doesn’t? but after having daughters of my own and learning about the mother daughter relationship I feel like I just never had that and lately it’s been making me feel awful. It’s been making me feel awful my whole life, but recently I’ve been feeling devastated by it. My mum will gossip about me with her sisters and wider family, I’ve never been able to live up to her expectations no matter what I have achieved in life. I did a PhD, but ‘I’m not a real doctor’. I got married and have kids and a mortgage, but she doesn’t particularly like my husband and she doesn’t like the house. I’m looking after my dad who is in palliative care, and she doesn’t like how much time I’m spending with him over her (messy divorce). I had a baby through IVF (after fertility issues which I didn’t want to share with anyone) she’s told everyone she knows. She feels like I have not amounted to anything, that she doesn’t like my husband, that I don’t visit her enough, that I never listen to her, that my parenting style is all wrong, etc etc. Recently I have been told by several family members that with my mum, the topic of conversation will always turn to me - a couple of times some aunts have tried to stick up for me and say no actually she isn’t as bad as you say. A few weeks back mum came round and from the moment I opened the door it was all ‘you’ve put on weight, you can’t cook, you can’t drive, you can’t even handle work and parenting, I was a single mum and I did it all’ etc etc. She even calls my daughter by her middle name as she doesn’t like the one I chose. She’s my mum and she’s 70 and I have to show her respect and be nice and civil to her but I often just end up sulking up to my room like a teenager. Or sometimes I might confront her about her behaviour but it never registers with her; it’s always just come back to me, that I’m the problem, I need to be better with her, that other daughters show their mothers much more love and affection. That time she came round, after she left, I closed the front door and cried until the next morning. I would never want to make my beautiful perfect angel daughters feel like this, why does she do it to me? The next morning at around 5am I texted her that I was upset, I cried all night because of all her put downs, and why can’t she just be nice to me, for the sake of her grandchildren at least. She texted back to say she was sorry. A few weeks later however, she’s back to normal. She loves her grandkids though so that’s a positive. I know there’s always two sides to every story and perhaps it is me, I am the problem. But has anyone else been in this situation with their daughter/ mother? What is the solution? I’ve tried sitting down, talking, talking with another family member, it always just ends in her talking about her own difficult life with such little empathy and regard for me, her own daughter. What have you done in these situations?

Not all mothers love their children.
You're not obliged to respect her or put up with this shit.
She may need to see you as a failure to feel better about her life.
It's ok to have your own boundaries. The problem is not you. It's not your fault.

Maybe pop over to the Stately Homes thread in Relationships...

I have been having cancer treatment for almost 6 months. My mother tells anyone who will listen how worried she is about me. She has not visited, called, texted or even sent me a card this whole time. She lives 5 minutes away. And we are not estranged, this is just how she operates. She is looking for sympathy for herself based on my illness but it would never occur to her that she should take any steps to express care or concern to me.

For the first time in my life I am fighting fire with fire. Yes she is old and has some health problems, but mine are more serious. I will only do what is good for my mental and physical health, and having any contact with her is a negative experience. My treatment will be over soon but I’m certainly not rushing back to see her. She can reap what she has sowed.

It has taken me a long time and a serious illness to get to this point. You don’t owe her anything. It would be completely reasonable to lay down some ground rules for spending time with her.

I understand your feelings on this, I grew up in a similar environment. Mine seems be related to my ‘genius’ older brother, who I could just never compare to. My mother also never hid the fact she wanted another boy. I see you have siblings, does she treat you all the same?
As an adult I realise these things are and never were to do with me, but about them and their relationship, very traditional mummy’s boy and daddy’s girl, accept dad wasn’t there much so…
I have no contact with my brother and limited with my mother since my dad passed. Hard initially but it’s made life much easier and simpler, I feel so much less stressed now.
Helps they live far away from me but if people aren’t bringing anything to your life, stop letting them take time away.

My mother is/was like that.

She died 10 days ago and I'm looking forward to the rest of my life without her malignant influence.

I feel like I can now be normal. I can have a normal future and let it all go. Move on.

I couldn't fully do that when she was alive. I'm glad it's over.

That's probably not very helpful to you OP but I felt the need to post this!

Your mother might not be capable of love in the way that you see it. She might love you as much as she is capable of.

More importantly, do you love her and are you actually getting anything positive out of seeing her? Because you don't have to.

I am fairly sure my mum loves me but she is very jealous of me and my younger brother is without doubt her favourite. She has critised me for years. Anything I do, she has a moan about. If I host a meal, she has umpteen comments about how it could be better. She even started on my daughter until my lovely son in law ripped her a new one. Even my friends noticed it. Now I have emotionally detached from her and her comments. I certainly lost all respect for her years ago. As a family, we played critical bingo. We turned her comments into a game. We grey rocked often. If she started with the negativity when I visited, I got up and left. At the moment, she is in hospital and has significant cognitive impairment so rarely remembers what is going on. I'm sorry she has ended up like this, but I don't feel an emotional tie to her. Hopefully you will find your own way to deal with your mum

*Critisised

I struggle with my mum for very similar reasons to you OP. @DrinkFeckArseBrick has said understanding your mother may help, I agree. I asked my mum about her childhood and it helped me understand she was a very lonely child without many friends and a distant mother herself. She has grown into an insecure adult who seems to love drama... I think because she believes it makes her interesting. So while I don't appreciate her sniping and rudeness I actually can see my mother needs a mother. She tries to push my buttons as hard as she can very much like a naughty child. She perversely seems to enjoy getting me to lose my cool as then she can be the victim. As I've aged and become more secure the barbs don't dig so deep. Though I'm not a saint and I did move across the world...which though drastic helped a lot!

However, I think trying to get your mother to understand your needs is futile. I get my love and support elsewhere. I have been in therapy and this has helped enormously as I can see my mother isn't capable of loving me the way I need but I am lovable. My mother is the one that misses out and I look at her as an example of what not to do with my children.

It's hard work but worth it to understand it is actually not you, it's your mother that is lacking

Im currently in a similar situation with my own mother. It hurts.

In the past....i nearly died (at 45) after the birth of my second daughter (her second grandchild) she was holidaying fairly close to us (half an hour away). My husband rang her to let her know, so that she could come and see us. She chose not to, her comment 'well she's still alive isn't she?" A day or so later she broke down in a church whilst on holiday, thanked God and revelled in all the attention it got her.

I reecntly spent a week visiting her, i took our 2 children and my husband who is recovering from cancer. We are also still recovering from the death of my very much loved father-in-law. She spent the whole week telling me how much my sister hates me and the things that have been said about me.

This was the last straw - i blocked my sister (who hadn't said everything - my mother had twisted things). I also confronted my mother and asked her why - her response - "its just the way it is". I havent spoken properly to her since May.

She's late 80's. She's currently organising her funeral and has told my sister to make sure the priest mentions me as its likely i wont be attending.

Like the others have said - i really think that it boils down to jealousy. Her recent comments were as a direct result of her immense jealousy not only of me but my sister as well.

I think @canfor has made some good suggestions for comments/replies. I will definitely be using some of them.

You are not going to change her, you just have to accept that she is who she is. I would stand back, grieve for what should have been, and make sure that it stops with her and that it doesnt affect your family any more.

Thank you for all the kind words. How different does everything feel when women support other women?!

@User452023

Thank you for sharing, especially since you say you haven't spoken to anyone about this other than to your daughter. I feel there are a lot of similarities between our situations. Maybe our mothers are jealous of the relationship between us and our fathers, when theirs with our fathers weren't as strong. I definitely feel resentment from her, I don't think she's jealous of my life or anything, but resentful that I do not thank her enough for how much of my (perceived by others) success is down to her.

@Maniplusa

"I think that my mum, and maybe yours, feel like powerless, ineffectual people in the passenger seat of their own lives"

I think you've hit the nail on the head here. So much of this is about control - the gossiping is having control of the narrative - the manipulation and behaviour is about controlling our outcomes

@Remaker

I hope your cancer treatment is going well. Sorry about your mum, and the added stress this puts on your already vulnerable situation. Mine would definitely be very similar. Last night I actually said to my husband that if I was ever ill, mum would find a way to make it about herself

My mum didn't love me.

It started to occur to me at around 9/10; by the time I was in my teens I knew; in our 30s, she told my brother she didn't love me. She didn't actively want anything bad to happen to me but she didn't care if it did

I've been nc with her for 12 years.

It is what it is.

My children are 24 and 17 and the relationship I have with them is so far from the one I had with her I can't quite get my head around it.

My dad had cancer. He dealt with it. He didn't dwell on it.

She said he was a coward for not wanting to be 'open' about it (he was, he just didn't think it was the most interesting thing about him) and didnt want to disuss it with all and sundry.

My brother confided in me once that he thought she was actually jealous that my dad was so ill... I'd had similar thoughts myself.

Anyway, she got her wish. And also developed cancer. She loved it. Would tell anyone and everyone about it, he treatment, her prognosis because she liked getting sympathy (her words). Anyway, my dad eventually died of it because his was incurable. She went into remission. Obviously, very happy about that - turns out she didn't really want to have cancer after all! But still very resentful at the same time!

She had wanted to tell my 6 year old son all about it at the time because he "deserved the opportunity to be sympathetic to his grandma". My dad had had it for 4 years by then and my son still didn't know.

Oh and so much more.

My relationship broke down when I was pregnant with my first so I had to go back home. While I was there, she (unbeknownst to me) arranged for me to go to a mother and baby nursing home citing concerns about my capabilities as a parent.

All of the other mothers there were care leavers, on CP register themselves, had drug/alcohol problems, were undergoing LA parenting assessments. I never did find out what she'd actually said to them but my keyworker used to tell me she didn't know why I was there as I had absolutely no needs whatsoever.

She also tried to get SS involved (her reasoning being my child obviously needed a SW because I lived in a mother and baby nursing home with him...) which failed.

She also got herself signed off work for 6 weeks the day after I moved in telling the GP she was under an enormous amount of stress with me and my needs and now with a newborn baby to look after and, after all, we were living at home with her and she was doing everything. Didn't see her once for the entire 6 weeks. And she was so deluded that she told me all of this!

All of this was done to support her narrative that I was an awful child, awful person, terrible mother and what a burden I'd been to her all those years...

Really pissed her off when I went to university when my child was 2 and got a first class degree 🤣

That's only a snapshot. There are years of stories before and beyond that I could share but it would take up the whole of MN!

This woman is disgusting and pathetic

Do not let her in your home and keep as far away as possible

Shes abusive, cruel and in no way deserving of your time and respect

go low contact

There are loads of great tips on the elderly parents board for dealing with parents like this. You don't need to see her or interact with her - she's behaving so badly, why would you want to?

Look up FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt), it was like a revelation.

Also, it's fine to put boundaries in place. Mine is pretty toxic and I've limited seeing her to 3-4 times per year which makes it much easier to deal with.

The grey rock technique is also useful. I don't tell mine stuff that she can use to control or manipulate me with. I keep conversation to a minimum and fairly bland.

She hates this but it's so much easier than everything being about her. Or her telling private stuff to all and sundry.

I know my mother loves me but her love isn’t maternal like mine is for ds

she has shown herself time and time again to put her needs first that’s why the jealousy shows, funny enough towards ds she was very loving until he was about 8 then sadly her insecurities, her pettiness started to show again so I have backed away

it’s painful to accept but once you do it allows you to stop looking to her for that maternal love that you so want and rightly expect

you have your family your life and you are not her you are a mum who loves unconditionally and completely

I do exactly the same

my mum has sabotaged so many of my relationships and she will still make digs about friends not being supportive if she gets the chance. Which is absolute rubbish as my friends are great and far more supportive than she will ever be

it does get easier

It has been weirdly interesting watching the rise of social media (her friends can get in touch with each other independently of her) and her getting older and a bit forgetful mean that she's revealing her true colours to more and more people.

@systematicreview You do not have to maintain a relationship with someone just because they gave birth to you.

Your mother is toxic and abusive towards you, and says unpleasant things about you to other people. I get the impression that this is making you ask yourself: "Why doesn't my mum love me?" as if there must be something you could do to change her behaviour. There isn't. This isn't about you, it is all about her. You can't change who she is.

The question you should be asking yourself is "Do I want to tolerate this any longer?".

My DM is a lot like that with me. I've other siblings so it's more obvious when praises my siblings for the very same things that she would be critical of me for.

And like you I tried. I tried so fucking hard to be a better DD, more attentive, and it changed nothing other than I was run ragged doing her errands for her and I was still getting slagged off for being a shit DD or bearing the brunt of her moody temper.

The switch finally flipped when I saw it carry into the next generation. When my golden child sister's kids were doted on and bought extravagant stuff and my son was largely ignored and given shitty thoughtless presents. I might choose to endure her behaviour towards me but DS did not deserve it, and I had a duty to shield him from that.

Confronting her would be a disaster. She would deny it all, call me a liar and a fantasist, make herself out to be the ultimate victim and go crying around the family and it would only be resolved by me having to apologise to her for upsetting her and lying. She's done that before and it would be her absolute dream come true for me to do that as it would be 'proof' to everyone what a cunt I am, you see? So that's not and never will be an option.

Anyway, we subtly pulled back. I dropped the guilt. I still help her, but it's on my terms and I know now that she will moan that I never help, but be resentful when I do. She thinks she loves me but her actions aren't loving. The main change is that I've stopped expecting love or kindness, that I'm prepared for criticism (I do a bingo in my head when I'm with her) and I've stopped hoping she will change.

For so long I thought it was me. That I was just a horrible DD. Then I realised that no, I'm not, but was it all in my head?? Now at least each of my siblings clearly see it and while they can't do much day to day, it's just so validating that they know what actually goes on.

DM hasn't got many years left and honestly, while on one level I will miss her because she's the only mum I've got, I don't think I'll mourn her the way I did my lovely MIL.

My mothers the same, it’s that narcissistic personality. I’ve found distancing myself helps, I tried to cut her out of my life and she wouldn’t have it. I honestly believe my feelings of depression and mental health come from my toxic parents, they both display the same personality traits, I’ve no idea how I survived my childhood but quite clearly came out with my own issues due to them. Just distance, slowly and surely cutting her from your life. She might be your mother but you deserve to be happy and your daughters should not see her speaking to you like that.

That's interesting as my mum doesn't like any of my long standing, loyal, supportive friends. She picks the weirdest holes in their personalities. She tries not to show it but she doesn't like my husband either.

He is calm, kind, stable, works hard, is a great father and looks after us very well. Anyone knows my husband always says what a good, solid, reliable man he is. He is also very intelligent, confident and emotionally secure and has really encouraged me to challenge myself, which I think is the problem. She maybe wishes my dad was a bit more like my DH when I was a child, so deals with it by disliking him.