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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset partner of 18 years comments on other women's insta in a suggestive way

61 replies

whatdoesthefoxsay · 01/08/2023 20:51

So fed up. Just seen on Insta that my Partner comments on other women's insta saying they look lovely with a wink emoji etc and love the outfit etc when they are wearing a small crop top woth large breasts and filming a slow mo video of them.
Just feels so disrespectful, yes it's not a private message yet but that also makes it humiliating as I know other people that do our shared hobby will have seen this. He doesn't know this particular woman irl, she's on the other side of the world so it's not jealousy I feel just fuckin disrespected. He has form for things similar yet worse over the years and has made me quite insecure. He reckons rhay it's fine what he's done and I'm unreasonable and insecure. TWAT!!!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 16:53

He has form for things similar yet worse over the years and has made me quite insecure.

I've had to forgive this kind of thing several times before and keep going

He also signed up to a website for local sex hook ups when our children were small

Years ago he did the same to a random woman on market place who was selling a dress. Pmd her to say the dress was nice but her body was amazing or something about her being sexy, can't quite remember

I mean, he's obviously a dick but you've chosen to stay with him knowing what he was like so you've kind of invited it into your own life.

It's not like you had to stay with him. You chose to.

honeyandfizz · 04/08/2023 16:54

My STBXH used to do this. The twat accidentally sent me a message he was sending to one by mistake telling her how hot she was. We were only a year in and i was really upset, he deleted IG but I never really trusted him again and should've dumped there and then. Then last year I found his profile on a dating website when we were very much married - We were on and off for the past year but I ended it two months ago as frankly he gives me a massive ick (56 year old man btw) and I will never ever feel safe in that relationship. It has been hard because I still loved him, but now I feel sooooo much better without the weight of him potentially being unfaithful. He was back on Match within a month. Loser.

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 16:54

So basically he’s a middle aged dirty old creep perving over the scantily clad girls young enough to be his daughter?

And why are you wondering if YABU?

Original poster
whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 16:55

I have been off with him since I saw these comments on Instagram a couple of days ago and he has made no attempt to take action to make this better other than asking for hugs, while also being quite snappy but he has just come into the room I'm I'm with the kids in earshot in an adjoining room with doors open and asked what is happening with us as I won't put up with you being an ice maiden forever!!
I said we can't talk now as kids in earshot???!! We are away staying at my sister's house so no privacy at the moment. He the walked off in a huff.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 04/08/2023 16:55

As for what I'd do. Well my exh had an affair. But I discovered he'd signed up to a hook up site weeks before I discovered the affair. I kicked him out the same day.

You made a different choice.

I spent 10 years on my own bringing up the children and then met someone who, so far, hasn't done any of those things.

You could make the same choice I did, OP.

Hibiscrubbed · 04/08/2023 16:56

whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 16:51

Yes, there are other issues. But I really want an honest opinion on what other women would think of those comments if their partner did that on Instagram.

I’d tell him to get the fuck out. Especially after everything else he’s done to you. He’s a boundary-less predator, using social media to send creepy messages that are disrespectful to the women, but mainly to you.

Original poster
whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 16:56

SamW98 · 04/08/2023 16:54

So basically he’s a middle aged dirty old creep perving over the scantily clad girls young enough to be his daughter?

And why are you wondering if YABU?

These 2 latest women are his age,but does that make it okay? They share his hobby

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 04/08/2023 16:58

The fact that he knows these women makes this worse, @whatdoesthefoxsay. It is in no way a mitigating factor!

It suggests he’s trying to get something started with them in the real world.

BranchGold · 04/08/2023 16:58

Yes, there are other issues. But I really want an honest opinion on what other women would think of those comments if their partner did that on Instagram.

I’d think I was a mug with low self esteem for staying.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 04/08/2023 16:59

I get the sense that you’ve become engulfed in this pattern of behaviour where you ruminate and ponder about his actions/ motives, trying to get some logical answers for why he is the way he is.

^This. Why waste time and energy tying yourself up in knots about whether each separate bit of his behaviour is ok or whether other women would tolerate it? It's not separate, it's all just examples of what he's like. The man is clearly a sleazy dickhead, and that is shown by all the behaviours you've mentioned, including the Instagram stuff. You know he is like this, so why are you still with him?!

Dombasle · 04/08/2023 17:01

Nick some photos of another big busted 'beauty' and make up a fake profile using the photos.

Like one of his photos or follow him and see if he takes the bait and makes a comment.

You can then reply with -

Option one - Thank you, I'm a man and it means so much to me that you think I'm female. You can then screenshot his comment and the reply and rip the piss out of him forever more and he might just lose interest in making comments to random women.

Option two - put him down with a withering remark such as 'Easy grandad!😂!' when he makes a comment about the sexy outfit/boobs etc. You can screenshot it and remind him what a fool he looks when he comments on these young women's photos.

Option three - befriend him via messenger and get him to send you money! 😬

Catcatcatcatcat · 04/08/2023 17:01

whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 16:43

He also signed up to a website for local sex hook ups when our children were small

Why are you still there? Seriously - what's wrong with you?

We can all see what's wrong with him - he's a pervy creep. But why are you settling for this? Has someone in your past convinced you that this is the shit life you deserve?

99% of women would rather be single than live with someone like him.

Backstreets · 04/08/2023 17:04

God, what an embarrassing old doofus

Aquamarine1029 · 04/08/2023 17:05

Your husband is a degenerate, and you have chosen to stay with him. Why on earth would you do this, and why would you think he'd give a shit about your feelings now? All you've ever done is let him get away with this disgusting behaviour.

Original poster
whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 17:07

Thank you so much for all your comments. I have to go out now with the children but I have more to say and ask and I appreciate your support. We are away from home and under each other's feet basically so I have to keep things together until we get home or he could blow up in front of the children as he doesn't mind what they hear. I will come back on later.

OP posts:
baytreelane23 · 04/08/2023 17:08

Christ, he's writing this stuff publicly, and has form of doing worse behind your back. I think you know what kind of partner you have, op,

He's now waiting for you to get over this latest episode but going hot and cold with hugs and the silent treatment. He's demanding you get over it now.

Take control for once and tell him it's not acceptable. That poor woman, I would hate it if someone wrote they had an ankle fetish on one of my insta posts!! He's embarrassing all of you, what a guy!

Hibiscrubbed · 04/08/2023 17:10

Please, you don’t have to put up with this shit @whatdoesthefoxsay.

I rather suspect you will, though. Which is why the horrible cunt keeps doing it.

He’s rank.

Original poster
whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 17:11

I can't discuss without him blowing up, I normally have to wait until he's smoked weed till I can discuss anything and he doesn't have any access to it until we get home next week

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 04/08/2023 17:12

He sounds like a complete creep.

Original poster
whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 17:13

I don't think I can stay woth him anymore, I have confided in someone for the 1st time irl as well and something in me has changed. He unfollowed one of the women when I asked him the next day what he was going to do about it but still glued to insta.

OP posts:
MrsTired1983 · 04/08/2023 17:13

Entirely missing the point of the thread (sorry) but how do you see what others have commented on a picture (unless you follow the person whose picture it was). Just curious 😊

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/08/2023 17:14

whatdoesthefoxsay · 04/08/2023 17:11

I can't discuss without him blowing up, I normally have to wait until he's smoked weed till I can discuss anything and he doesn't have any access to it until we get home next week

Christ! This loser just gets better and better.

Doesn't writing it all down help you see the light OP?

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 17:15

What a horrible slavering twat he is, grovelling about publicly in front of these women.

As for your question, my DH has better things to do than lurk on Instagram perving on exhibitionists, But if he did make public comments like yours has, we would be over - no hesitation. It is indicative of so much more about your DH's character that he has done this.

SongsYoullNeverHear · 04/08/2023 17:24

He’s a creepy perv, of course his behaviour isn’t ok. Listen to everyone here, they are right.

The fact that you are doubting your feelings about this being unacceptable shows that he has worn you down over the years. It’s common for women in unhealthy relationships to lose confidence and not know their own boundaries anymore.

You need to leave him.

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 17:26

Oh God. A 49 year old weed smoker as well, Lovely. You need a deadbeat like that like a bloody hole in the head. That's one expensive habit these days as well as being the cause of all sorts of mental health and memory problems as they get to be old men.
OP - you and your children will be happier without him I bet you are walking on eggshells - especially with the blow-up tempers (that also goes with the weed smoking, unfortunately, although no-one tells women this - we have to find out the hard way)