To ask mother's of autistic toddlers to tell me I'm not a monster

[MonsterMum7]

He won't go to bed. He won't stop stimming. He is exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm trying to get him to go to bed and then he kicks me. He laughs at me. He pulls my hair. He wants to lie on top of me and screeches in my ears. I just want to go to bed and for him to go to sleep too and get a good night. He needs it desperately. I need it desperately. I just don't like him at the moment and I feel awful for feeling like that. I'm annoyed at him but it isn't his fault and then I feel guilty. He's a baby boy with a condition he has no control over. I should be able to control how I feel but I'm so tired of these battles every night.

Get blackout blinds and curtains. Should help

Just got my four year old daughter to sleep. She kicked me really hard also. She can't control all these things coming out of her like needing to suddenly stand up and jump around and run around and kick and pull my skin and all sorts. The ONLY thing that works for me is a huge reaction. Like I will really dramatically stand up and exaggerate crying. Sometimes it's real tears to be honest. I'll flounce out of the room with big theatrics and say 'i can't be in the room with you hurting me'. She cries and begs me not to go and then I talk to her about how that behaivour is making other people feel. İt upsets her but snaps her out of it and I have a good talk with her about hurting people and she calms down, becomes happy and says she wants to roll over to go to sleep and then asks for a cuddle and goes to sleep. İt sounds dramatic but I guess they crave that dramatic reaction. İf i didn't do it her impulses would go on for hours. I guess it's about snapping her out of it somehow. I do feel a terrible mother for upsetting her when she's laughing during her impulse routine, but we both need the sleep and calmness.

I'm the parent of an autistic teen and I have those feelings, you're definitely not a monster. You need to sleep.
Keep a diary, ask the paediatrician for melatonin.
We had some really good OT input when our DC was 3 and that advised us to wrap them in a duvet and play a game where we squished them with an inflated beach ball. We used to pretend they were a hot dog and we were putting toppings on them and we made it a game every night and it really helped to get our child to sleep much much quicker.

I don't think anyone has to go through what you're going through to know that you're not a monster, you're amazing.

A lot of parents swear by 5HTP. You will need to do your reseach as i dont think it is recommended for under threes and you need to find the correct dose. Might interact with other meds too as it is suggested that adults dont take it if on some anti depressants.

Ultimately melatonin is the best for these issues and work for lots of people.

I have been there with my child and sleep. It is hell. Makes you feel half a person.

Something is fucked Jo in our society where expectations are
uoh give up your sanity and physical safety for a child you love but might not be ever able to understand out hurts you in a dangerous way. I hope you have the support you need and are entitled to, but going against the grain here usually- don’t put yourself at grave physical danger if there’s any route (no matter how uncomfortable) it would be avoided. Especially if you have other kids who are at a receiving end otherwise

@MonsterMum7 FX on the melatonin. I can still remember that exact feeling of complete exhaustion and how soul sapping it was being kicked and head butted by an Autistic toddler who is completely exhausted but can't go the F* to sleep. I did eventually get him sleeping better, which was a game changer both with how I was feeling and his emotional regulation. After he started primary school got him on melatonin and he goes to sleep so easily now, I hope you can get melatonin and it helps. You're in likelihood burnt out, certainly exhausted, at your wits end maybe, one thing you're definitely not is a monster.

Nightly routine
Melatonin
Black out blinds
Weighted blanket
Music and me singing a lullaby
Night light with several colours that rotates
Sit with him and.... tickle his feet/tight hug/
rub legs - depending what he wants.

It's so hard as he is completely non verbal and we've been on holiday so the little routine he did have has gone out the window. Now we're back he can't regulate back to normal that quick. He also has an awful cough and he's only sleeping for a bit then queue massive meltdown. I don't think I'll be sleeping much tonight. Some nights are much tougher than others. Thankfully no other children here. I wouldn't have any more because I couldn't cope and I would always feel guilty to one or the other at how I wouldn't manage it well.

Massage or a weighted blanket may help dependent on his age. Soothing sleep music too. Don't stress on what time he goes to bed.

Daydreams on cebeebies always send my 5 year autistic boy off to sleep. Its very relaxing.

If you're able to, a little bit of vicks on his chest and back to help the cough. Drousy antihistamine might help.

With my son, we often have to distract him during his meltdowns. Is it possible to read to your son at bedtime? Might mean you have to read for ages but might keep him a bit calmer but also help create a routine so then he will expect book reading session rather than am exciting episode of beating mummy.

I'm also another parent who would eventually over react or tell him off to go to sleep otherwise he would go on for ages. It not nice, but he has learnt that he will be disciplined for it. But it only worked because he responded to the over reaction initially. I also noticed when he was a toddler he would get under the covers to go to sleep, still does it sometimes but not so much. I would check if he can breath and try create a little gap, but id wait until he was asleep then taoe the blanket off. Now at 4.5 years old I'm able to say firmly, go to sleep I'm tired as well etc and he is better at sleeping.

I hope things improve for you both. Its really hard as a baby / toddler it really is. You're doing amazing, you're his mum and he loves you to bits xx

My son would often wake in the night and start crying / screaming. I was told it can be a transition issue. Unfortunately it's difficult to manage but you could try doing a fake loud cry or something that basically interrupts the meltdown because reasoning doesn't work.

Mines older now but I remember the toddler years well. Ds used to like feeling enclosed so we bought a London buss bed and it have to lay in it for hours singing you are my sunshine on repeat 💐

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason.

if at all possible, I found the best thing is to just stop fighting. Accept whatever wacky clock your ASD child is on and convert to that schedule.

Dd and I used to keep a very odd schedule, up at midnight with my one year old who simply was never going to sleep at that time, but we could sleep for hours during the day. We eventually transitioned to a more socially acceptable schedule, but I would have lost my mind had I not just adapted in the early years.

When things were at their worst with my DS I put a mattress on the floor of his room and shushed and patted him as soon as he stirred to get him back to sleep. It took probably 6 months, but he slowly got more sleep and as he got more sleep the bedtime 2-3 hour long meltdowns got shorter and shorter, eventually though it was still taking him 90 minutes to get to sleep which was tough, but it was meltdown free which was a big positive.

DS wasn't non verbal but he did have a very significant language delay and very little ability to communicate as a toddler. He's actually nearly caught up with speech and language after several years seeing a speech pathologist. Melatonin got him going to sleep faster and sleeping better, but the biggest impact was from me being there and getting him back to sleep quicker. I actually got more sleep that way because I wasn't having to get out of bed and come in and he was going back to sleep faster and I could go back to sleep as soon as he did. It did help that I'm a very light sleeper and could wake as soon as he stirred.

You are not a monster! Please remember you are human and do not feel guilty for having a break - we all need them. Having a toddler is hard, but having a toddler with additional needs is even harder. I hope you get some sleep with lots of rest, and remember enjoy it!!

You got this 💪🏽

I know I am an interferring old cow but do think about another child, you may regret it if not. Have you watched " there she goes" ?

@Goldencup I decided very early on I didn't want any more children. I hated the baby stage. Lockdown hit, my relationship broke down with his dad and it was an awful time. I couldn't / won't do it again. My son has siblings from his father and soon to be step-siblings from my fiancé. That's enough for me.

Tv also usually works for us, just cuddle on sofa and let him watch something like cocomelon. I know it isnt ideal but sometimes you just need to get them to sleep.

Weighted blankets didn’t work here as too heavy (can only be 10% of weight and my autistic girl prefers about 5% but I accidentally got a 20% one!)
gamechanger for us was compression sheet it’s a stretchy sheet that goes over whole mattress. She sleeps soooo much better with it. We also have daily magnesium tablets and an Alexa that plays audio books- borrowbox from library for free ones or Alexa does some free ones. We also need to wear out as much as possible so trampoline and sensory swing at home and gym mat for her stretches (she is a bat girl and likes being upside down). We use white noise ourselves to sleep to blend out any other noises etc but autistic daughter doesn’t like the noise but you can get noise machines.
poor you. None sleeping toddlers are completely exhausting. Hope it improves soon.

I'm so sorry OP you are NOT a monster, not even slightly. You are doing incredibly well under such difficult circumstances. How old is your DS? I agree that melatonin is the best option, it's great that you're keeping a sleep diary to evidence what is going on. The stuff provided by the NHS is stronger than the gummies that you can buy over the counter in the states etc, but both do the trick!

Sending strength. I'm a teacher in a SEN school, and my DS is currently on the pathway for an ASD diagnosis, it's so so hard x

Fair enough, I hope you manage to get some more sleep soon.

Echoing Ladycurd- the sleep neurologist we see recommends sensory bedding but not weighted blankets. Might be worth a try.

I didn't know that sensory bedding existed (I knew about weighted blankets). He has a feather down duvet as that has a weighted feel to it and is noisy. I'll look for stretchy bedding

Love, you aren't a monster, not even slightly. How old is your DS? Just wondering if the liquid melatonin or the gummies would work better!