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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

piss takers

30 replies

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 19:32

My DH had a female family friend ( F1) who was close to DH father who died. FIL asked DH to look after F1. Her mental health wasn't great (she took drugs regularly)+she ended up taking advantage of us, pushing boundaries+then verbally insulting us when we tried to set boundaries so we ended the relationship. She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us. I didnt allow the falling out with the other woman to influence this friendship but was aware F1 was bad mouthing us. I was warey of course. F2 In time the friend cried poverty+suicide if she didn't get a car she couldn't work etc. We helped her out with a car. Shortly afterwards we didn't hear from her again. Drew a line. But she has an adult daughter she emotionally abandoned last year+who turned to us. We are fond of her as are our children. She started university 2 years ago+as DH has known her since she was born he wanted to gift her some money (her mum, F2 cried her poverty). Inhad no idea but until today but DH gave her the same amount last September. Today the daughter asked if we can give her her money early so she has spending money for her holiday at the end of the month. A 5* luxury spa holiday in the med, something we can only dream of being a family of 7. Do I confront her? I am feeling hurt+as she has made up with her mother now F2, am I being cynical? Sorry for the dump+thanks for reading.

OP posts:

WeeOrcadian · 01/08/2023 19:58

I'm beyond confused

Your DH us giving her money? From your FIL's estate or your household pot? And why? Is there more back story?

Please leave the '+' out, it makes reading your post too difficult to understand

Arrgghhdecisions · 01/08/2023 20:02

What has F1 got to do with this? Why has your DH been giving F2s daughter money on a regular basis?
This makes no sense unless he's shagging her tbh

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:05

Sorry new here FIL left no money, it's always been our own money. Both of the women my DH knew from college. No contact til FIL died (7 years ago). I have known DH since he was 25. Hope this helps. Thanks

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Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:08

No funny business between F2 daughter+DH he just wanted to lessen her student debt

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CoffeeBeansGalore · 01/08/2023 20:11

So your dh has given friend's daughter money for the start of university year for the last 2 years. She is now assuming he is going to give her money again, and wants it early so she can spend some on holiday?
You cannot afford to go on holiday & resent this girl for her assumption that you can afford to bank roll her?

If she can afford a nice holiday she can provide her own spending money.

Dh should not be giving her any more money at all, especially if it's coming from your family pot.

FOJN · 01/08/2023 20:12

Why would you confront a young woman who accepted a gift of money from your husband and mistakenly thought it was an annual thing whilst she was at university.

She's cheeky but your husband is the one giving the money away and, on the second occasion, hid it from you.

Tell her she won't be getting any money and then ask your husband what the hell he's playing at giving family money away without discussing it with you.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:12

You have a BIG DH problem.

He has his own 5 children, you cannot afford a decent holiday, but he’s dealing out the cash to some randomer?

And you aren’t the least bit suspicious???!!!!

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:13

Thank you. I didnt think she thought of us like that so I guess it stings abit she does

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Anothernamethesamegame · 01/08/2023 20:16

Why are you paying for these women? And the children? It makes no sense. So what if DH has known them a long time.

Tell them to take a run and jump and give yourself a shake and think about why you have been taken advantage of multiple times. Are you and DH vulnerable in any way? I wonder if you are too nice or easy to manipulate?

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:19

I can see how it may look on the outside but there is no funny business going on. DH had the best intentions, to help out. I'm not being nieve we live at opposite ends of the country. Think I'll just tell her we can't afford it this year. I wouldn't mind if we were loaded but we aren't, we work for a living, these people are on benefits

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Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:29

I’m not quite sure how to phrase this, but is your DH vulnerable OP? Is he easy to manipulate or scam?

It sounds like his DF had been taken for a ride by these users, and convinced himself that his son should continue to support them?

There’s something not quite right here…

Joeylove88 · 01/08/2023 20:31

Your husband needs to stop giving out money to any of these people. They are not his responsibility despite knowing them for a long time. They all sound like grabby users!

JudgeRudy · 01/08/2023 20:40

This is very confusing to me. You've mentioned how you came to know this young girl but I don't understand the relavence of your FIL (alive or dead).
So basically your husband has a lose relationship with the daughter of his dead dads friend - but close enough for him to give her money (presumably from your family budget) without discussion with you. He's hidden it and now she's asking for more....what should you do?
Grow a backbone and don't tolerate this.Depending on your husbands reaction, I'd consider breaking up over this. This is not normal.

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:41

Thank you x

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trulyunruly01 · 01/08/2023 20:50

You're saying you'll tell her you can't afford it this year but you'd better make sure your dh is on board with that - he didn't even bother to tell you he'd handed over the cash last year, did he.
Why on earth does he feel he has any responsibility whatsoever towards these women. The one his father asked him to look out for has thrown your dh's help back in your faces, and the other two are total randoms. Bugger that.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 20:51

OP, what’s the age difference between DH and this girl starting Uni?

Is there any chance she could be his DD?

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:51

Splitting up is not an option. We will work it through but I'll defo be keeping a keen eye on the finances.

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Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:53

Good thought but no, he's never slept with the mother and the daughter looks just like her father

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INeedAnotherName · 01/08/2023 20:55

This is not a family friend problem, this is a massive DH problem. Is he the sort to donate to charities who door knock or call? Would he move his savings if the "bank" called? He sounds incredibly gullible.

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 20:56

I agree. The 1st 2 women are out if the picture but the daughter is quite 'vulnerable' as she has had an unshielded childhood+a recent adhd diagnoses.

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Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:03

Tbh abit of both. We're not loaded but I believe in helping those in need if you can buy yes I feel manipulated but not sure if the daughter has purposely done that. The 2 women was hurtful, the 1st tried to get between myself+DH+when she couldn't got nasty with me. I think she was jealous. The 2nd 1 I misjudged. Feel a fool tbh

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Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:10

No he's not. I don't really know why. Maybe I am the 1 with the problem..I allowed it to all happen on the 1st place but we generally thought these individuals were in genuine need

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Hoppinggreen · 01/08/2023 21:11

Why do you keep giving random women money?
Stop

TriciaMcMillan · 01/08/2023 21:13

What is an 'unshielded childhood'?

Original poster

madmother45 · 01/08/2023 21:15

I was trying to be tactful but her mother+her friends took drugs openly+her mother later used her daughter to tell her all about how badly her father had beaten her etc. I have been in similar relationships but would never put them on my kids

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