piss takers

[madmother45]

My DH had a female family friend ( F1) who was close to DH father who died. FIL asked DH to look after F1. Her mental health wasn't great (she took drugs regularly)+she ended up taking advantage of us, pushing boundaries+then verbally insulting us when we tried to set boundaries so we ended the relationship. She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us. I didnt allow the falling out with the other woman to influence this friendship but was aware F1 was bad mouthing us. I was warey of course. F2 In time the friend cried poverty+suicide if she didn't get a car she couldn't work etc. We helped her out with a car. Shortly afterwards we didn't hear from her again. Drew a line. But she has an adult daughter she emotionally abandoned last year+who turned to us. We are fond of her as are our children. She started university 2 years ago+as DH has known her since she was born he wanted to gift her some money (her mum, F2 cried her poverty). Inhad no idea but until today but DH gave her the same amount last September. Today the daughter asked if we can give her her money early so she has spending money for her holiday at the end of the month. A 5* luxury spa holiday in the med, something we can only dream of being a family of 7. Do I confront her? I am feeling hurt+as she has made up with her mother now F2, am I being cynical? Sorry for the dump+thanks for reading.

Is there a cultural social obligation in play here OP? That might explains what otherwise appears to be a very odd situation.

Yes both

I've re read your post.

FIL asked DH to look after F1.
If he hadn't asked this, would DH have remained in contact?

FIL left no money.
How did he expect DH to look after her if he didn't leave money? Was it more an emotional support help rather than financial?

She has a friend F2 who kept contact with us.
Why is he helping a friend of a friend who has nothing to do with him? If F1 didn't exist (which she doesn't now), would he have treated her like a random stranger? If another friend of F1 or F2 asked for financial help, would he?

DH needs better boundaries. He also needs to look after his own family first. He is allowed to say no.

Thank you for your considered reply.
Yes FIL meant emotional, I think. But in this 'group' we are the only 1s who work, the rest are on benefits.
F2 I wanted to trust, I think I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Both women obviously money grabbers and not genuine as I try to be.
I think if it wad family DH would help but otherwise no.
I think we both need to learn how to say no and set better boundaries.

Yes FIL meant emotional, I think. But in this 'group' we are the only 1s who work, the rest are on benefits.
Then for some reason your DH is getting it changed from emotional/practical to financial in his head. Does your DH find it difficult to offer emotional support, or has no time for practical, so his solution is to throw money at the problem? It does happen if there is guilt associated with the situation. Does he feel guilty he can't help in the way FIL wanted? Or is he throwing money at them so they go away and he doesn't have to be reminded of his dad's death?

Sorry, a lot for you to unpick. If your DH is willing then he needs to refer all financial requests from these women for you to decide on (should be a joint decision anyway). Then you say no, and mean it. That way he won't get the guilt from refusing his father's "dying wish". It's time to cut them out.