I know this is dangerous ground but I am feeling so upset I need to tell people

[OrmIrian]

I am not a step-parent so I am aware that I am probably talking out of my backside, but AIBU to think that a newish stepmother shouldn't be badmouthing her 11 yr old step son to anyone who will listen at work? From what she says the poor lad hasn't got a chance ? his mum appears to be hopeless, unsupportive and uninterested (according to stepmum). His dad is so busy scoring points that he doesn't appear to give a sh*t about the boy and punishes every infraction with more and more severe punishments to the extent that the child refused to stay with them for a few months recently. And every time this child gets mentioned he has done more and more terrible things. Now he's been excluded from school and as a consequence she had refused to have him in the house. His step-mum has now given up all pretence to care and spews vitriol about him at every opportunity, and is only interested in how she can get him out of their lives as much as possible so he doesn't affect her children.

It makes me want to weep TBH. I have an 11yr old and I know how challenging he can be at times, and it's going to get worse before it gets better but at least he is loved and we want to help him. This boy appears to have no-one of his side. But I can do and say nothing

What is your relationship with them Orm? If you can do or say nothing it must be very frustrating.
Poor little boy
His Dad needs to get a grip and demand that the stepmother act like the adult here.
I hate adults bullying children
Many step parents are very involved and caring but some see their oh's children as symbolic of their past relationship and resent the poor dc for demanding attention
Sounds like she is one of the latter

I only know from what she tells me crush. And no, I don't know all the facts. But it's the dislike she so obviously shows that upsets me...and the fact that I have a boy of the same age.

mrsruffalo - I have no relationship with her apart from being a work colleague. We talk quite a bit because her DCs are the same age as my younger ones. She's usually so nice which is what shocks me so much.

The nicest people can be resentful and cild towards step children orm. I don't want to go into details, but I have witnessed it.
The ball is in the dads court, he must challenge her and protect his little boy
11 is a time when boys are deciding what kind of man they want to be iyswim
So many young men with low self esteem it makes me

I feel for the kid, at 11 you can hardly blame most kids (most cause there are always Thompson and Venebles out there, but they are rare) for what they do and it sounds like this kid has had a hard time of it.

I have two step sons (I call them that even though we're not married, he's married to their mum but that's another thread lol) who I love to bits and wouldn't dream of bad mouthing, they are part of their dad and their sister both of whom love them to bits, so how can I think badly of them.

When the stepmum has kids of her own she may settle down. It could be that she sees him as a rival for her husbands attention and by playing up he certainly is getting plenty of attention.

In my experience as a Step Mum if she is fairly new at the game she will be drinking in and believing everything her beloved new partner is saying about his ex i.e uninterested, uncaring.. etc..and of course it's all HER fault that the kids are behaving badly...nothing to do with HIM at all... I have to admit that silly gullible woman was ME a few years ago.

It may be that her rose tinted glasses get a bit grubby the longer she knows her new DP and she may start to take things with a bit more salt and see that usually there is fault on both sides of a break up and she is only hearing one side. I bet HE was not so great to live with either!!

Yes, of course I do feel very sorry for the little boy, break ups are always horrid for a child - but I'd like to bet his Mum is not as evil as the Dad makes out!!!!! after all who of us is perfect?? He will be exaggerating her every tiny fault!...

You are probably right marge. It fits in with her current world view to beleive that her DH's ex is an evil cow.

BTW thank you stepmothers for not getting cross with me! You so easily probably could have. I take my hat off to any stepmums - I don't know that I could do it TBH.

could be a case of 'give a dog a bad name and he lives up to it' then it descends into a viscious circle. at age 11 a boy needs a male mentor to have a go at breaking the cycle. the situation, like most things in life, is probably not black and white. Stepmum is probably pissed off because of child's behaviour, justifiably, but probably needs to redirect her anger to the child's father.

Try and recommend to her that gets her DP to read that book by Steve Biddulph - 'Raising Boys'. He stresses the need for adult male role models for boys in their teens. Must get my DH to read it too for that matter!

If she is a newish step mother she must have been aware of all the problems when she got married, he is unlikely to have had a sudden change. She really shouldn't have become his step mother if she wasn't prepared to take him on and work with the problems IMO.
He sounds a very angry child, which is hardly surprising.It sounds as if she just wants him out of her life which is so sad. It sounds as though it would be difficult to point out that when she took on new husband she took on the baggage that went with him-perhaps you could suggest that they got outside help, they sound as if they need family therapy.

I don't think you'll get flamed for that. It's a terrible way to behave and anyone can see that. I'm so sorry about it. What can you do?

That poor boy has no one on his side and tbh, dad sounds like a dead loss. He should at least be helping his new wife understand how to manage this child not to mention taking control of the boy's problems himself

Part of the problem might be that she and new partner had a baby very quickly after getting together and the 11yr old gets in the way a bit. She had 2 girls from her previous marriage as well. I think it gets too much for her which I can quite understand but poor lad

I don't really feel I can suggest anything abbey. We aren't that close.Much as I am tempted sometimes.

if she is talking about it to you/in front of you then she is giving you the right to reply so of course you can tell her your opinion. You dont have to be harsh but for the boys sake you must be firm with her.

If she doesnt like it then SHE is being very unreasonable so tell her not to talk about it in front of you again.

It sounds to me (vintage step-mum of 8 years) that she is finding the whole situation difficult, rather than the boy himself. But she doesn't recognise that. I guess to her "he" is causing all the problems, when in actual fact it's his behaviour and the way his parents are with him and how they handle problems.

I'm not surprised she is at the end of her tether, because as a step-mum you have all the aggravation at bad times that goes with being a parent but none of the control. If her parents aren't dealing with what is going on, how on earth can she do anything to influence it? And that is hard to deal with.

And maybe she vents at work because she can't do so to her husband or anyone else?

As a stepmum to a 13 year old (7 years now) I think that she is being awful bad mouthing him.

When I got together with DH, DSS was 7. When I told my parents we were serious my mum gave me some great advice - remember that DSS never asked to be born or never asked to be brought into this situation. It gave me perspective.

I have always had a fantasic relationship with DSS and I certainly would never bad mouth him.
YANBU.

Classic wicked stepmother...

My god, I'd misbehave in those conditions and I'm 40.

My ma in law was a superlatively GOOD stepmother (still very close loving in contact with her stepCs). She achieved this by never attempting to be their mother. Having said this, this poor little lad desperately needs someone on his side and it sounds as tthough he has no-one.

I rather think I might boil over with rage at this one, and tell the horrible witch exactly what you think of her badmouthing and horrible treatment of this poor little lad. Failing that, point out that with the right (LOVING but no parental), guidance this little boy might be helped to become a good boy, but that dissing him continuously may well have the opposite effect.

TBH I have put in the occasional comment along the lines of 'poor boy' and 'sounds like he's finding it hard atm' which don't go down too well. I have spoken to her twice this afternoon and neither time did she mention her stepson - so maybe she noticed my slight reaction this morning. Well I think it was slight .

The school he is in is quite scary. Terrible reputation, so being excluded from there might be the best thing that could happen, if someone capitalised on it.

It is a very difficult situation; from the sound of it she has never wanted the boy to be part of the family and he will have picked up on that. I can see that it would be very difficult to make suggestions, however getting excluded from school may mean that outside agencies will get involved which would be a good thing. I should think that more comments along the lines of 'poor little boy' might help her realise that 11 yrs old is very young.