I know this is dangerous ground but I am feeling so upset I need to tell people

[OrmIrian]

I am not a step-parent so I am aware that I am probably talking out of my backside, but AIBU to think that a newish stepmother shouldn't be badmouthing her 11 yr old step son to anyone who will listen at work? From what she says the poor lad hasn't got a chance ? his mum appears to be hopeless, unsupportive and uninterested (according to stepmum). His dad is so busy scoring points that he doesn't appear to give a sh*t about the boy and punishes every infraction with more and more severe punishments to the extent that the child refused to stay with them for a few months recently. And every time this child gets mentioned he has done more and more terrible things. Now he's been excluded from school and as a consequence she had refused to have him in the house. His step-mum has now given up all pretence to care and spews vitriol about him at every opportunity, and is only interested in how she can get him out of their lives as much as possible so he doesn't affect her children.

It makes me want to weep TBH. I have an 11yr old and I know how challenging he can be at times, and it's going to get worse before it gets better but at least he is loved and we want to help him. This boy appears to have no-one of his side. But I can do and say nothing

Reminds me of 21 year old hairdresser who owned a house (rich parents) and had older, divorced boyfriend living with her, whose 3 children came at weekends. Hairdresser was vitriolic about them esp 11 year old girl whom she described as a bitch. It was clear she wanted the man but not his children.

I didn't say anything to her about it either.

Thanks for all your replies.

It is heart-breaking. I see my DS spending half his time trying to play the big man and be so cool, and the rest of it playing make-beleive games with his younger silbings and still taking his teddies to bed. And I know just how vulnerable he is and how much he needs us to love him and set boundaries. From what she tells me his dad has more or less written him off and as far as she's concerned the sooner the better.

I will try to continue with the 'poor lad' comments. Not much else I can do.

Oh dear, if the "poor boy" comments are getting that reaction it doesn't sound like she has any insight at all .

Good on you OrmIrian, if saying "poor boy" etc makes her think twice about slagging him off to you then it will be worth it.

Even better if she takes it on board

oh that's so sad
When i think of my wonderful step-dad (who died recently) and how much i still miss him everyday...it makes me so sad that this woman feels nothing but dislike for this boy

I am a step mum (and a step child) and this woman sounds horrible ... Does she not realise that he is hurting and lashing out and her (and his dad's) response is just making it worse ?

Don't know what to suggest but it must be hard to listen to her being horrible about him all day

"shouldn't be badmouthing her 11 yr old step son to anyone who will listen at work?"

You shouldn't badmouth anybody to anyone who will listen at work, never mind your stepson.

Have you spoken to the other people at work about their feelings? It might help, if they agreed with you, to all give 'poor little boy' as a response-it might make her realise that she is being unreasonable in her dealings with her stepson.

Hmm...maybe Abbey. I am sure I'm not the only one who find it uncomfortable listening. It's just such a difficult area. Perhaps I should just direct her to MN and this thread.... second thoughts, perhaps not.

Send her to where I work, they're pretty confrontational (in a nice way) about stuff like this!