Page 3 | To let DD lie to her dad?

mamedoffa · 2023-08-01T09:05:17+00:00

My DD is 16. She's been with her boyfriend for around a month or 2 but they were best friends prior so I know him quite well. Her dad lives 2 hours away and has never met him, to be honest he rarely sees DD. In a few weeks he's taking both DS’s and DD on holiday. Older DS is taking his girlfriend, no issue. DD has asked to take her boyfriend by saying he's just her friend. Her reasonings for this is they aren't in a sexual relationship but her dad wouldn't have let him go otherwise or sleep in the same room. Should I let her get on with it and lie to him or tell her dad?

Yusay · 01/08/2023 13:44

Curtains70 · 01/08/2023 10:49

Don't encourage your daughter to lie to one parent but then expect her not to lie to you.

That being said if he isn't attracted to girls then he isn't her boyfriend is he?

This.

I would not let her lie to the dad, not out of respect for the dad, but as good parenting: becoming a liar is a weak shitty thing to be.

As to the ‘boyfriend’ either she is lying to you or he isn’t a real boyfriend - at sixteen she deserves passion and romance not some gay guy in denial.

ImustLearn2Cook · 01/08/2023 13:44

Dishonesty breaks trust. So no, please don’t encourage her to lie to her dad. Even if they aren’t very close it is not ok.

If she’s not ready to tell her dad about her relationship with her boyfriend that’s ok, she doesn’t have to tell him. But, that means she can’t invite him to go on this holiday with her. Especially as it involves sharing a room together. And yes, she is the age of consent but she can’t share a room with him if she is not being upfront about the status of her relationship with him.

The answer isn’t to teach her that it’s ok to lie. The answer is to teach her that she can decide how much of her personal life she wants to share and with whom.

Cas112 · 01/08/2023 13:45

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:24

Or he is gay but likes to have his best friend be a girl. Which is not unusual in gay men. At 16 he probably can’t verbalise that well, as best friend love can be intense.

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I would explain this to your daughter before she ends up getting hurt, he sounds confused and I would put money on it that he is gay and confusing the feelings you get in secure close friend relationships with romance. If he knows he's not attracted to her, he shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:49

Cas112 · 01/08/2023 13:45

I would explain this to your daughter before she ends up getting hurt, he sounds confused and I would put money on it that he is gay and confusing the feelings you get in secure close friend relationships with romance. If he knows he's not attracted to her, he shouldn't be in a relationship with her.

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I don’t see how the DD would get hurt as she knows he is not sexually attracted to girls. He is being honest with her and she still wants him to go on holiday with her. They just don’t know how to label their relationship especially since our society frowns on the concept of best friends being opposite sex.

We’ve just seen tons of posts saying it’s not possible, they’re lying, they’re having sex…

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:51

Yusay · 01/08/2023 13:44

This.

I would not let her lie to the dad, not out of respect for the dad, but as good parenting: becoming a liar is a weak shitty thing to be.

As to the ‘boyfriend’ either she is lying to you or he isn’t a real boyfriend - at sixteen she deserves passion and romance not some gay guy in denial.

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If she wants passion and romance…not all 16yr olds are sex and Disneyesque romance mad

youcandanceifyouwanna · 01/08/2023 13:52

It sounds like the boy is gay (but isn't ready to come out) and your daughter is dating him because she isn't ready for sex yet and he is safe. If she has romantic feelings for him 'll probably all end in tears and this might well happen on holiday, so probably best if dad is aware of this situation.

Lavender14 · 01/08/2023 13:54

I think for me regardless of the sexual aspect its about respect for her parents. I understand he doesn't see her much but he will be 'lead parent' while she's away with him if you're not there. So I think it's important he's aware of what dynamic he's bringing on holiday. I think it would be unfair to mislead him and then if something happened on holiday he was unprepared or doesn't pick up on it because he was mislead that's not great for him or your dd. I would be encouraging her to tell him herself and then you back her on her right to bring a bf if ds is bringing his partner. But I'd understand if he prefers separate rooms or the boys share together in that scenario or whatever. If he's bringing them on holiday then I think he gets a say in the arrangement.

In terms of your dds boyfriend not being attracted to her I think there's a wider conversation to be had with her about self respect and standing up for what she wants and needs from a healthy relationship because tbh it doesn't sound like she's in one (even if her bf is genuinely unaware and maybe a little confused in his own identity or is just figuring things out). But if that goes tits up when they're away and you don't give the dad a heads up, then she'll have no support. I'd also consider how you'd feel if roles were reversed and if he finds out later that you supported her to mislead him how that would affect your communication and his relationship with you both. You might not be in touch often and he might be an ex for a very good reason but you still need to co parent as best you both can.

WildUnchartedWaters · 01/08/2023 13:59

mamedoffa · 01/08/2023 10:37

I know they aren't having sex, when I was reminding DD about safe sex she told me her boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to girls and I believe her.

I'm unsure as to why DD wouldn't be allowed her boyfriend there but DS can have his girlfriend whether it's due to him being 18 or the fact he's a man.

Oh Op 🤣 course hes not.

In short you want to send dd with a man you dont know on holiday with someone who has shown hes not a capable parent?

As pp said would you be okay being lied to even though you already are

WildUnchartedWaters · 01/08/2023 14:00

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:49

I don’t see how the DD would get hurt as she knows he is not sexually attracted to girls. He is being honest with her and she still wants him to go on holiday with her. They just don’t know how to label their relationship especially since our society frowns on the concept of best friends being opposite sex.

We’ve just seen tons of posts saying it’s not possible, they’re lying, they’re having sex…

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Then why call him her boyfriend? Boyfriend implies a romantic relationship.

Gerrataere · 01/08/2023 14:01

There is literally only two ways about this. Either the boyfriend is gay, or he’s trying to make himself seem the least threatening as possible so she lowers her guard enough to try it on. Quite frankly either way he’s doing this - he may well try it on just to see if he’s ‘definitely gay’ or not. However, they are 16 and legally can experiment if they wish to, I personally think this may end up in some quite big emotional fallout for your daughter. Being used by males for sex is a lesson most women have in their lives but being so young it may cause issues for years. On that bases I think it’s not at all appropriate for them to be sharing a private space.

SemperIdem · 01/08/2023 14:02

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:49

I don’t see how the DD would get hurt as she knows he is not sexually attracted to girls. He is being honest with her and she still wants him to go on holiday with her. They just don’t know how to label their relationship especially since our society frowns on the concept of best friends being opposite sex.

We’ve just seen tons of posts saying it’s not possible, they’re lying, they’re having sex…

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They should be encouraged to label their relationship accurately! They are friends, that is all.

Cas112 · 01/08/2023 14:03

BillaBongGirl · 01/08/2023 13:49

I don’t see how the DD would get hurt as she knows he is not sexually attracted to girls. He is being honest with her and she still wants him to go on holiday with her. They just don’t know how to label their relationship especially since our society frowns on the concept of best friends being opposite sex.

We’ve just seen tons of posts saying it’s not possible, they’re lying, they’re having sex…

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Young women start to mature and want things to go further in relationships, so better she is aware of what this could be for boyfriend and whether this situation is just suitable for his needs or both.

WildUnchartedWaters · 01/08/2023 14:07

@BillaBongGirl shes 16.

Options are -

They are having sex but lying about doing so.
He is gay/confused and she is staying with him. Of course that has capacity for hurt, all the things that come with someone you have feelings for who doesnt want to have sex with you.

The only option which would be healthy is if they were together but not having sex (yet(. That's not the case here.

Sending dd to a man who has proven to not step up with someone she is in a teicky situation with - no.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/08/2023 14:12

If everyone is telling the truth, he is just a friend and not her boyfriend. So they can tell that to dad - but they should have separate rooms.

It does seem doubtful though - and my money is on either he is lying to her or her to you.

Either way, and honest chat with Dad is needed, and I would say separate rooms at 16.

I do think 16 is different to 18 - 18 is an adult for one thing. Only I’d be having a convo with her dad to make sure he realises he’s set a present with DS - in a nicer way of course

EarringsandLipstick · 01/08/2023 14:15

mamedoffa · 01/08/2023 12:46

DD says he's bisexual but is only attracted to girls romantically, I believe her as we are close. She isn't as close to her dad.

Oh OP!

(And grudging kudos to DD for pulling the wool over mother's eyes so spectacularly)

fartfacenotfatface · 01/08/2023 14:21

Do you have the option to stay overnight? Otherwise it's quite tight for a day trip wherever you go, by the time you factor in getting to / from the airport and time to clear security etc.?

itsmyp4rty · 01/08/2023 14:23

Surely the only way to be in a relationship with someone you are romantically attracted to but not sexually attracted to is if you are asexual? ie you want a relationship but you don't want sex.

Because who would ever choose to have a relationship with someone they weren't sexually attracted to when they could be having one with someone they are sexually attracted to? It doesn't make any sense surely?

I'd suggest this is a case of emotional dependency on his part and not a healthy relationship at all. It should never have been considered anything other than a friendship. I wouldn't let her lie to her dad though whatever the case.

PinkIcedCream · 01/08/2023 14:33

mamedoffa · 01/08/2023 12:46

DD says he's bisexual but is only attracted to girls romantically, I believe her as we are close. She isn't as close to her dad.

Did you have any sexual partners as a teenager OP, because you sound incredibly naive.

If you still believe your DD is being completely honest with you, then why not tell your ex so that he can decide how he wants to proceed with this holiday. Surely that’s only fair?

cosmosy · 01/08/2023 14:40

mamedoffa · 01/08/2023 12:46

DD says he's bisexual but is only attracted to girls romantically, I believe her as we are close. She isn't as close to her dad.

So you believe a teenager about what a second teenager is saying? ... I wouldn’t even trust him firsthand, even if he thinks he’s telling the truth. Last week my teen was apparently a sapiosexual and this week I’ve just seen his eyes go googly around a very pretty girl who’s decidedly not the stuff of sapiosexual dreams.

Teens are figuring out their identity, they experiment and are impulsive, especially with raging hormones in a bed/room with a girl their age at night on an exotic holiday. Nothing might happen but just as likely, things will.

cosmosy · 01/08/2023 14:43

itsmyp4rty · 01/08/2023 14:23

Surely the only way to be in a relationship with someone you are romantically attracted to but not sexually attracted to is if you are asexual? ie you want a relationship but you don't want sex.

Because who would ever choose to have a relationship with someone they weren't sexually attracted to when they could be having one with someone they are sexually attracted to? It doesn't make any sense surely?

I'd suggest this is a case of emotional dependency on his part and not a healthy relationship at all. It should never have been considered anything other than a friendship. I wouldn't let her lie to her dad though whatever the case.

Yeah exactly, friendship looks a lot like romance minus sex. If I think about it I’m romantically (but not sexually) attracted to my own gender, because females are lovely

Soggysoggydew · 01/08/2023 14:47

99% of teenagers lie to their parents about stuff.
They are both 16- if they are having sex that’s fine, and their business.
Young people always have to find new ways to be/define themselves and their relationships- if the op starts telling her daughter he is gay/a sexual/a liar etc it won’t go down well. Let them think of each other however they want as long as they are happy.

x2boys · 01/08/2023 14:49

AnnieKayTee · 01/08/2023 13:18

So the boyfriend is sexually attracted to boys? And romantically attracted to girls? I don't get it.
I knew I was old but jeeze I am bloody old. 😳

Indeed ,it hurts my head these days having to think about it all

readbooksdrinktea · 01/08/2023 15:02

Humidititties · 01/08/2023 12:57

So you're either incredibly naive or your daughter is lying to you

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Probably both.

She shouldn't lie, and you shouldn't condone her doing so because you are closer to her.

Be a parent.

NewName122 · 01/08/2023 16:02

mamedoffa · 01/08/2023 10:37

I know they aren't having sex, when I was reminding DD about safe sex she told me her boyfriend isn't sexually attracted to girls and I believe her.

I'm unsure as to why DD wouldn't be allowed her boyfriend there but DS can have his girlfriend whether it's due to him being 18 or the fact he's a man.

I'd assume it's OK as he is 18 and a grown up, yes. Not a 16 year old child.