Go on, tell me I’m being ridiculous about DS music

[Staringintothemiddledistance]

Posted here, fully expecting to get a mixed and humbling reception, I know how it’s going to sound to some.
I’ll keep it as brief as possible…
DS is autistic. He has some real challenges and some wonderful attributes.
He’s one of those boys that fights for his life with certain things but also excels in others. He is extremely affectionate and tactile and creative , also explosive , anxious and incredibly naive and overly trusting socially.
he has Sensory processing issues affecting lots of daily things and one thing that really stood out was sound, he couldn’t cope with noise unless he was making it ( and he can make noise!) anyway, I decided to let a musician friend of mine have a go at teaching him an instrument, it’s a fairly common/ popular one and I guess I saw it as a form of exposure therapy and the whole process of learning it would fit with his love of patterns and process while equally giving him some power over sound which I think I hoped would make him less sensitive to noise. I’m not a doctor or have any experience of kids like him so it was a shot in the dark and a ‘nothing to lose’ approach. DS has been going for lessons now almost 2 years. He’s taken to it like a duck to water , is doing brilliantly and I’ve lots of wonderful videos of him performing in mates studio and in this sense it’s just brilliant, also a bit of mum smug that my hunch was right and he’d enjoy himself.
but, now I’m being told he has a gift and there’s something there and I’m being encouraged to let him take more lessons and push him to become a real musician. While I love this idea of working towards him being a musician , I’m absolutely petrified that if he does get into a band or go to a performing arts school and generally get exposed that he won’t be able to cope, he’ll be at risk of being exploited for being so naive and poor at judging people and his mental health will suffer If he’s built up to the idea and then it doesn’t continue and develop. I obviously want this to remain a hobby. My friend is so passionate about teaching him and I think has such fond memories of his own performing career that he has 100% pure intentions, DS will do anything to please and is deeply enjoying the work too, I’m now a panicking mum that wants to throw a pig on the tracks and slow everything down because I can see the risks. DS is pre teen so I still call the shots here, I don’t want to do the wrong thing though. I’m usually fairly ‘gut feeling’ and intuitive in my style of parenting but the gut isn’t giving me any clear messages at the moment. Thoughts?

You express the importance of balance as a pre teen. Awesome loves music and keep encouraging but remjnd him he also needs to focus on school as not everyone can make it in music industry and it helps massively to have options

Reach out to the autistix
Get a view ftom those who are in it
https://www.theautistix.com/

Agree with balance - supporting his passion and supporting him to follow it with some backup.

Tbh there us no reason imo why working in a musical environment that he loves would necessarily be harder to cope with than say an office or retail job of work he has zero interest in? I would have thought that other musicians would be more tolerant of difference tbh.

I think I would try to make sure that he does pursue those 5 GCSEs including English and Maths. I would talk to as many people as I could find whose career involves music, as a whole or as part of a portfolio, and try to get a picture of what they do and why.

He’s already a real musician. He’s making music. I’d imagine being in a band would be wonderful.

I would never suggest to do something else because not everyone can make it. Just keeping doing it is making it? It dies make sense to keep on with school as why wouldn’t you? It seems GCSEs will make life so much easier and they are a pretty standard requirement.

But, I’d be worried about someone living their life through your child.

He’s still young, he might not be interested in a number of years. Like previous posters aid, just remind him of balance and the need to study, rest, learn other life skills like cooking and being fit etc. Sounds like he has a good mum backing him up- he’ll be grand!

@Hankunamatata this is one of my fears, him being so sensitive and tunnel visioned and I suppose I must guide him and keep his expectations realistic. It’s so lovely to see passion in him but I can’t shake off this sense of putting him at risk too. It’s not my territory, it’s not my profession or what I know so I feel a bit lost really. I don’t think he’ll develop hubris or deflect from his school work, he just doesn’t have an ego, he doesn’t think like that. He’s always doing his best ‘in the moment’ and that includes the subjects he hates. He’s pre puberty though so he could change personality a bit soon. It’s giving me heartburn 😅

@cestlavielife this look really interesting! Thank you! I’m going to look properly into these guys.

@Camdenish wise words. I think my friend sees him as a project more out of affection for me, and the potential of DS. It’s not a projected dream thing, mate was in the charts and definitely had his moments of glory. He’s a lazy Dad now by choice. I’m a knob because I’ve not actually voiced my feelings/ fears to him yet about pushing DS too much. Because I wasn’t sure I was right in having those feelings . Does this make sense? I’m certain if I did he’d be fine, I also don’t want to hold my boy back.

I can understand your concerns but I think you're jumping fifty steps ahead of yourself here.

He's good at the instrument. He enjoys it. It sounds like it might become a valuable source of self-esteem and social connection. He won't know if he likes performing (quite different to playing for you/his teacher) until he tries it for a bit. There's a million miles between being good at an instrument as a child and being a professional musician, and a lot of other ways to take satisfaction from playing an instrument.

I think your instinct to take things slowly is right. Are there some local music groups he could join? Could he work towards exams? Something that keeps giving him little tastes of success without making it all or nothing.

Also, I think the skills you'll need to develop with him and/or protections you'll put in place to stop him being taken advantage of are going to need to be there if he's a musician or not.

When he's a bit older, I would also be realistic about what the life of even a successful musician is like. I know a few professional musicians and they don't earn a living from performing alone. He needs a day job plan too, and that might be music related (teaching, sound engineering) or not.

Good luck! I hope your son continues to enjoy his instrument.

I'd let him see where music can take him, at least for the next few years - to develop his overall musicianship across the board could be an incredibly useful support to all the other things you want him to develop - academically and socially. Working in a team via music could be much more achievable for him than in other environments, but will help him learn things that generalise.

Good luck!

Pubs across the country are full of musicians who have genuine talent. Many of them will be ND. The vast majority are playing for fun after they finish their day jobs and a very few combine it with teaching.

The odds on you actually having an international star in your second bedroom is incredibly unlikely, so just let him have fun and enjoy playing, performing and writing if that's his thing.

If he enjoys music, he can make a career of it without going to performing arts school or being in a band. Performing is only one part of the music industry, but being able to play instruments will mean he can do everything from studio recording to teaching. I know loads of professional musicians but only a few that make their money playing live.

I would talk to your friend and express your concerns as communication is important. I wouldn’t actually act on your fears.

In my experience the music industry is full of sensitive poetic souls: not everyone is cut throat!

Your son is doing something he enjoys, he has a mentor that knows the ropes.

I’d keep a watchful distant eye and hopefully watch your boy blossom. If that doesn’t broken you’ll know quickly.

He is preteen? You are hugely overthinking. Just let him enjoy it and see what happens. The overwhelming majority of extremely "gifted" preteen musicians lose interest in their teens anyway.

And if he does want to carry it on as an adult, then he will be capable of making that decision for himself; it won't be up to you: and he won't be any more vulnerable in that industry than in any other

I decided to let a musician friend of mine have a go at teaching him an instrument, it’s a fairly common/ popular one and I guess I saw it as a form of exposure therapy and the whole process of learning it would fit with his love of patterns and process while equally giving him some power over sound which I think I hoped would make him less sensitive to noise.

See! Massive overthink. just " I let him try and instrument to see how he got on" would have been adequate - same as all of us whose kids try and instrument

@BusMumsHoliday yeah. I think you’ve hit the nail really. My son is, in my mind , very fragile emotionally and vulnerable so I think I’ve tuned myself into trying to preshadow and control his experience a bit. You’re right though he has his own destiny , he’s constantly surprising me in what he can do, he also catches me out when he needs more support than I imagined too. I think I got into a flap when my friend was so positive about his skills and suggested him working with his band friends and felt it was too much too soon ( obviously I see him as an actual baby still ) but at the same time I am probably catastrophising because I see the music industry as quite predatory and cutthroat. I think the answer is to support him, while being the cautious voice. For context , he’s absolutely ‘killed’ a session today and looked like a Little Rock star but he’s laying asleep now surrounded by his special toys and will need supervising to brush his teeth and dress tomorrow . It’s difficult to navigate as a parent.

@Market1 this is also probably the kind of no nonsense, tough love approach I need. I’ve watched him struggle through so much I guess I’ve assumed he’ll always struggle and there’s some need to guard him constantly. It might be healthy to be less invested in everything he does and let him do his own thing? Especially as I really know and trust this chap with him? To be honest I could do with some of my own brain back for my own use after all this time 😅, it’s always been a struggle, to get him to socialise , get him to learn new things , if something comes organically to him I should let it happen? Maybe this is a milestone of some sort? It’s hard to let go though. We’ve been through some epic journeys since toddlerhood, to support his development, he was non verbal until nearly 4 so I’m conditioned to be a bit of a helicopter mum. I appreciate the perspective though and you’re probably right. Still finding my way .

@Camdenish this is my best scenario tbh. That he finds his people and is happy and supported. I like the idea of him being around other arty folks and it being a good influence on his youth. It’s also probably most likely I’m being a worrier because I have seen a couple people negatively affected by this ‘scene’. Again, just a mum with mega helicopter issues because he’s so bloody sensitive and naive. I really hope he does enjoy his hobby and talent but also it never leads him anywhere dark, but I guess we could say that about almost anything kids get up to. Who’d have em?

He's found something he's good at so encourage him, why wouldn't you?

@ASimpleLampoon exactly ! I really do. And I see it as a hobby and a therapeutic thing. It’s the idea of him being promoted to some sort of performance that worries me, I’m highly protective because I live with him every day and I know him, I want him to be aspirational and successful but I’m scared of him getting harmed in some way. Hence me dwelling here , asking for perspectives because I really just want to do the right thing. Believe me, no one is a bigger fan of DS than I am, I just want to keep him safe too.

I'd have a sensible career goal in mind - recording session musician for example, is not an unreasonable goal and could fit well with his abilities and needs. If your friend can point him that way - the industry is heavily dependent on such musicians but its not what teenagers tend to be aware of or aim for - that might be a good route (I loved session work, limited set of people, closed environment, plans tended to be pretty stable and predictable, though I only did it as a student for a few years. Far less precarious than public performance for sure!)

Having a goal in mind (even if loosely) can help stop anyone winding him up to something either unachievable or fraught with ... ick... (rock star - theres a dream fraught with ick, exploitation, horrific egos and all the rest).

Having someone around who can explain to him what certain aspects of the lifestyle/industry are like (mm, the hidden ones, the hanging around, the being messed about, the changes of plans, the rollercoaster of emotions as huge plans are made then scrapped with no warning) would also be beneficial.

I would not stop him though, as someone else said up thread - talk to your friend, express your fears, but don't let them stop him at this point!

This might be a dumb suggestion, as I know nothing about atypical kids, but if noise becomes problematic, can he play his instrument with ear muffs? Like protective gear that won’t block out all sound, just mute it a bit?

He defiantly needs ear protection. That’s a given https://www.acscustom.com/uk/ If they don’t fit children they’ll tell you where to start.

You know we need to know who your friend is now don’t you?! MN loves a celeb.

of exposure therapy and the whole process of learning it would fit with his love of patterns and process while equally giving him some power over sound which I think I hoped would make him less sensitive to noise

Drummer?

If that's his thing, it's harder to find one who isn't neurodiverse. And everybody loves a good drummer.

He has a new passion, encourage it. He’s a long way off career choices.

I’m a music teacher in a secondary school. A lot of the children we mentor in the music dept are neurodivergent; music is their special interest. We just make sure it’s a safe space where they can find their tribe, make music and express themselves. Orchestra/choir provide structured opportunities for interaction. We’re basically the autism department, and very proud of the children we support!

Lots of our children go on to study music performance/production at FE college, and make it to uni.