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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Go on, tell me I’m being ridiculous about DS music

29 replies

Staringintothemiddledistance · 31/07/2023 22:05

Posted here, fully expecting to get a mixed and humbling reception, I know how it’s going to sound to some.
I’ll keep it as brief as possible…
DS is autistic. He has some real challenges and some wonderful attributes.
He’s one of those boys that fights for his life with certain things but also excels in others. He is extremely affectionate and tactile and creative , also explosive , anxious and incredibly naive and overly trusting socially.
he has Sensory processing issues affecting lots of daily things and one thing that really stood out was sound, he couldn’t cope with noise unless he was making it ( and he can make noise!) anyway, I decided to let a musician friend of mine have a go at teaching him an instrument, it’s a fairly common/ popular one and I guess I saw it as a form of exposure therapy and the whole process of learning it would fit with his love of patterns and process while equally giving him some power over sound which I think I hoped would make him less sensitive to noise. I’m not a doctor or have any experience of kids like him so it was a shot in the dark and a ‘nothing to lose’ approach. DS has been going for lessons now almost 2 years. He’s taken to it like a duck to water , is doing brilliantly and I’ve lots of wonderful videos of him performing in mates studio and in this sense it’s just brilliant, also a bit of mum smug that my hunch was right and he’d enjoy himself.
but, now I’m being told he has a gift and there’s something there and I’m being encouraged to let him take more lessons and push him to become a real musician. While I love this idea of working towards him being a musician , I’m absolutely petrified that if he does get into a band or go to a performing arts school and generally get exposed that he won’t be able to cope, he’ll be at risk of being exploited for being so naive and poor at judging people and his mental health will suffer If he’s built up to the idea and then it doesn’t continue and develop. I obviously want this to remain a hobby. My friend is so passionate about teaching him and I think has such fond memories of his own performing career that he has 100% pure intentions, DS will do anything to please and is deeply enjoying the work too, I’m now a panicking mum that wants to throw a pig on the tracks and slow everything down because I can see the risks. DS is pre teen so I still call the shots here, I don’t want to do the wrong thing though. I’m usually fairly ‘gut feeling’ and intuitive in my style of parenting but the gut isn’t giving me any clear messages at the moment. Thoughts?

OP posts:
ntmdino · 01/08/2023 09:27

OK...a bit of personal experience here - I'm autistic, and I've been in bands for nearly 40 years.

When I was younger - think primary and secondary age - I was ridiculously good on my chosen instrument for my age/experience (I was as good as most adults by the time I was 8/9), but that didn't generalise to all music. That led to a certain level of "cool" amongst my fellow students and being hailed as a prodigy by adults, but the music teachers not being particularly impressed. As far as I was concerned, that was absolutely fine because it gave me a crucial social entry point which (up to that point) I'd been seriously lacking.

The part which I was still lacking, and it dogs me to this day, is that I love to play in bands, but they have the major downside of involving other musicians. I absolutely can't deal with incompetence, unreliability and lack of focus - and almost all amateur musicians have at least two of those baked in to their core. That inevitably leads to me getting endlessly frustrated with the whole endeavour, and I end up fixating on it (drives my other half nuts). As it is, I've pretty much given up on bands now, even though I love writing and performing live, because my life is generally more relaxed and peaceful without them.

So...in my opinion, the best thing you can possibly do for him with regard to his music is actually nothing to do with the music itself - leave him to it, he'll be able to direct and focus on that perfectly well without needing to be pushed. Teach him how to get on with a close-knit, small group of people - how to tolerate their mistakes, how to compromise, even how to decide what he's willing to compromise on and what he's not, and how to constructively deal with frustration and irritation when it goes wrong (and it always goes wrong). Even if he only associates these approaches with musical activities, they're things that are best learned young.

With regards to music...there is some autism-specific stuff that's pretty important. Playing live is a uniquely weird problem - as you said, noise (even very loud, overwhelming noise) is absolutely fine for most of us as long as we're a part of that noise. However, we're usually not going to be the only ones making the noise - most of the time (unless it's a covers band), there are going to be other bands on the bill, and they're usually terrible. Unless I stay outside before I go on stage, I'm usually ruined from sensory overwhelm by the time we get there - and if I'm not, the stage lighting will finish me off. Shades on stage are, unfortunately, a necessity.

Also, while I get a temporary high after playing a gig, usually for a few hours (which makes it hard to sleep), I'm then exhausted for at least a couple of days afterwards - mainly from the forced social contact that you just can't get away from when you've spent hours waiting to play in a place where there are other people, as well as all of the people who come rushing up to the stage and want to talk/shake your hand/etc afterwards.

Talking of which - my other half will (if present) always get there first, and defend me by (politely) batting people away when I can't do any more and need to escape. That's really important, and I'm hugely grateful for it - that's something you can definitely help him with, because he'll likely not be in a state where he can gracefully deal with them (ie he'll be in music mode, not social mode, and the context switch is very hard to do in that environment).

Sorry for the wall of text...just trying to brain-dump a condensed version of all the things I've figured out are hard for me over the years...

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 10:43

If you take just one thing from my ramblings, though...playing music, particularly modern music, will be a massive help to him when it comes to social acceptance. People - even kids, horrors that they are - are willing to overlook all manner of social deficits in someone if they're part of a band, even more so than if they're good at sports (which is usually the big thing at school).

Learning to use it as a "way in" will be hugely beneficial to him on a lifelong scale, if my experience is worth anything.

Staringintothemiddledistance · 01/08/2023 10:47

@ntmdino thank you so much for this. It’s incredibly helpful, I feel equipped to manage his feelings, manage my feelings and enjoy his achievements now. You make so many important points that feel like you read my mind in terms of the things I worry about and what I hope for him. I’m so grateful.

OP posts:
ntmdino · 01/08/2023 11:00

Staringintothemiddledistance · 01/08/2023 10:47

@ntmdino thank you so much for this. It’s incredibly helpful, I feel equipped to manage his feelings, manage my feelings and enjoy his achievements now. You make so many important points that feel like you read my mind in terms of the things I worry about and what I hope for him. I’m so grateful.

Glad to be of assistance, I genuinely hope it works out for him (and you!).

One other relevant thing, probably for the future - having spoken to a few autistic musicians, stage fright is a common problem. It sort of goes hand-in-hand with the social rejection that we've all dealt with over the years, and - weirdly - the solution is the same: scripts.

Basically, we love it when things go right, but when it goes wrong - like a conversation deviating from our script - we tend to freeze, and the idea of that happening while loads of people looking directly at us is...scary, because improvising on the spot is hard.

My solution is to effectively learn two versions of all the hard bits in every song - there's the one I'll play when I'm on form and everything's going according to plan, but there's another much easier version that I can switch to and play without any effort whatsoever. This approach effectively removes the deer-in-the-headlights problem, because it doesn't matter what happens on stage, I always have a plan.

I suffered from stage fright for a good couple of decades before I figured this out, and I kinda wish somebody had been around to suggest it when I was younger (rather than "Oh, just improvise something until you get your groove back", which was the most useless advice anybody ever gave me!).

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