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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

money stress, have I been reckless like they say?

82 replies

moneyal · 31/07/2023 20:26

Last year I was on maternity leave. I decided to take the full year, despite having 8k debt and only 20k savings. I ended up spending 8k on the last three months maternity leave and therefore was left with 4K after debt paid off. The 8k was being very frugal as I paid the mortgage, all bills etc for the 3 month with no pay. My relationship broke down shortly after I returned to work. I now live alone and the boiler has packed up. I’ve asked my (v wealthy) parents to lend me the money as I am nervous not having any savings at all as a single parent and they have transferred 2k but I’ve had a lecture about being reckless with money and how I should never have let my savings get that low. I feel crap about it. There’s no back story, I had no bail outs in the past, always been self sufficient. It’s really bothered me that they’ve said this and I sort of don’t want to use the 2k now but also I feel I have very little buffer if I don’t. Was I reckless to have left myself 4K to my name?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 31/07/2023 21:03

You have 4k in savings yabu to borrow money

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/07/2023 21:04

If you were paying all the mortgage and bills have three months with no income wasn't the best idea. Once you have a child and a house life is just one long unexpected bill until you die!

I hope you are getting some child support because your child only goes to childcare when you are both working.

FatCatBum · 31/07/2023 21:10

£650 a month on clothes and eating out, while your salary was 0 does not seem particularly frugal to me? Or are you saying that is all bills apart from mortgage as well as clothes and eating out?

FoodFann · 31/07/2023 21:12

Don't be harsh on yourself OP. Sounds like you’re doing a grand job 💐 chin up, get your boiler fixed and don’t let your parents bring you down x

ToddlerTerror · 31/07/2023 21:16

Yes, spending £8k in three months when on maternity leave was rather reckless.
How do you even spend £2k on clothes and eating out in that short period?!!
I think you just need to accept the lecture and pay them back when you can.

Songbird54321 · 31/07/2023 21:20

I don't understand why you borrowed it. If you're paying them back, surely you could have just took the £2k out of your savings and then paid the money back in that you're giving your parents? You'd be in exactly the same position without the lecture.
And yes, spending £8, £2k of which on luxuries such as eating out and clothes (which at that price would be luxuries, not necessities) across 3 months where you're not earning, is reckless in my opinion. But I'm sure I earn far less than most people on here so it's all relative

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/07/2023 21:20

moneyal · 31/07/2023 20:38

@Gateappreciation i paid the mortgage and bills (I owned the house) so that was 2k a month ish. The other 2k was clothes, eating out etc

£2k on clothes, eating out etc. is not being frugal. I don't blame your parents for making the "reckless with money" comment. You may not think clothes and eating out is reckless, but they were clearly luxuries that you couldn't really afford.

My sibling constantly complains about how little money she has and often has debts, yet she'll spend on clothes and eating out on a regular basis. She complains that we have more money than her, yet we don't waste our hard earned income on clothes and eating out etc.

Graciously use the £2k they've lent you for a new boiler and pay it back as agreed as soon as you can afford. Then re evaluate your spending going forward. As a homeowner, you should always keep a maintenance fund of at least a few thousand pounds for when urgent repairs are required.

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:28

I don't think anyone should be embarrassed to ask family for money and no one should be made to feel bad for asking.

Similarly people should be free to say no.

Fortunes can change on a dime and sometimes that lending can go two ways.
No one should feel immune to loosing money.

I can completely understand if someones is using beleaguered parents as a well of money but op says that's not happening here. Even then parents should take some responsibility for not teaching budgeting and money management.

It's a one off.

As an aside though op do look into money-saving expert budget tables.

Every month your money should be getting split up after bills and essentials and debts paid.

Think about special savings for baby like birthday, Christmas, classes.... Future savings for baby.
Even putting 10 a month side now whilst baby needs little will accumulate into very handy funds as baby grows.

I can't tell you how wonderful it is to have several hundred pounds to spend at Xmas that's soley for Xmas and isn't tasking essential money from elsewhere.

Testina · 31/07/2023 21:33

If your relationship broke down only when you returned to work, why were you paying all the mortgage and bills for that last 3 months?

I don’t think you were especially reckless to have a full year of maternity leave - it’s a one off time, and we save for a reason.

It’s not like you expected (?) to become single. So I think it’s unlucky timing for you rather than recklessness for you.

What I would consider reckless (depending on detail?) is how you got yourself into £8K of debt in the first place?

I don’t think a grown up should borrow money from their parents in your situation. Sure, to save interest or in an actual emergency - but in this case you had the £2K and I’d have been embarrassed to go for the handout.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/07/2023 21:33

@RoyalImpatience "Even then parents should take some responsibility for not teaching budgeting and money management."

Why are you blaming the parents when you have no idea if they taught their child budgeting and money management or not? I'm really good with money management and my finances, my sibling is not. Are our parents to blame here?

The OP is an adult, regardless of whether her parents prepared her for financial responsibility in adulthood is irrelevant. If she's responsible enough to bring a new life in the world, she's responsible enough to learn money management herself!

custardlover · 31/07/2023 21:34

Well it doesn't matter now

Hufflepods · 31/07/2023 21:35

Well spending 2k on clothes and eating out while on unpaid maternity without having a high earning partner or loads of money is pretty stupid really.

BatheInTheLight · 31/07/2023 21:36

Lots of sanctimonious comments from people who claim they'd never ask for help! I hope my two sons will feel that they can ask me if they are struggling when they are older. A lot of these comments are often from people who never got any help from parents and are quite bitter about those of us who did, calling it 'begging' and such. Absolutely ridiculous. If you can't help your own flesh and blood, who can you help.

However, I don't necessarily agree to asking for money when you have 4 grand in the bank though, although this is a loan and not a gift.

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:38

@ReadingSoManyThreads
Because many people, very many expect their children to just know and understand it.

It's an art and it takes time to learn.

And we as parents have a long haul to teach it.

Schools should also properly teach it.
It would make a tremendous difference to our society if they did it properly

BlossomOfOrange · 31/07/2023 21:40

Only question from me is will your parents continue to lecture throughout the period of the loan/can you cope with that? Otherwise I can’t see any issue with taking the loan, if you feel it’s reasonable.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 31/07/2023 21:40

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:38

@ReadingSoManyThreads
Because many people, very many expect their children to just know and understand it.

It's an art and it takes time to learn.

And we as parents have a long haul to teach it.

Schools should also properly teach it.
It would make a tremendous difference to our society if they did it properly

I don't disagree with your justifications above.

I disagreed with you blaming her parents without having any knowledge of whether they even taught the OP about it or not.

RoyalImpatience · 31/07/2023 21:41

Read that paragraph again about beleaguered parents.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 31/07/2023 21:48

Spending £2k on clothes and takeout is reckless yes.

DandelionLeaves · 31/07/2023 21:52

You don't have to like it, but when you ask people for money (even a loan), it might come with strings attached, such as unsolicited advice about your spending habits. Maybe your parents feel they're trying to help you to make better choices for the future. Spending that amount on takeout and clothing when you could have fed and dressed yourself for less wasn't exactly a frugal, financially wise choice.

Either accept the loan and swallow the medicine it came with or don't.

Happyhappyday · 31/07/2023 21:55

I think you were reckless to need to spend that much while taking full mat leave. I would’ve gone back. But DH and I are very conservative financially and would not spend savings for time off work, especially when we had so little.

ArcticSkewer · 31/07/2023 21:58

It was a lot to spend just to stay at home an extra few months. Was it worth it?

Viviennemary · 31/07/2023 22:00

Your parents were probably just warning you about the risks of debt and overspending whichnis fair enough. Jusr endeavour not to overspend in future and do without luxuries till you have sorted out your finances.

AnxiousFairyQueen · 31/07/2023 22:02

Don’t beat yourself up about it op. And more importantly, don’t invite others to!!

If your parents are rich they should give you the money without a lecture. Fair enough if you had asked before but you haven’t.

You’re just a human being who wanted a few nice treats!

Mumontherunn · 31/07/2023 22:09

Not being unreasonable. I don’t think spending £8k in three months is THAT outrageous, especially as you were paying for a whole household all by yourself. I went through lots of savings when I was on mat leave after taking twelve months like
you. I saved hard during my pregnancy to be able to do that and am being careful again to slowly replenish my empty bank accs. Presumably you’re working and earning again now and will be able to start chipping away at debts and adding back to savings? I think borrowing from your parents is actually sensible here as it means you still have a safety net should you and your DC need one. Especially now you’re single. If your parents are scolding you I think it’s a bit mean and unfair of them tbh.

AndIKnewYouMeantIt · 31/07/2023 22:11

So, that £2k is £166 a week for the 12 weeks which is quite a lot. I spent a good £50 a week or so on petrol, coffees/cakes etc while meeting friends, and another £20 on baby classes, but pretty much nothing on clothes, and I was "earning" accrued holiday pay spread over the last 12 weeks. So I would say it was reckless.

I would never have admitted it to family though. I'd rather have just put the boiler on credit card and paid it off over a couple of months with wages and savings.