Dear parent, stop being hypocritical

[Wednesdia]

This is a rant I need to get off my chest, let me know if I am being unreasonable. I am a nanny and I really do love the family I work for but -

Dear parent,
PLEASE for the love of god, stop pandering to your child saying they are too tired to leave the house while I am looking after them or that it’s raining. They are 7 years old, they have all the energy in the world. Please realise that your child wants to stay home because they are off school and you work from home and they just want to be around you. Which is lovely but makes my job so much harder as it is.

I am more than willing to look after your child all day during the holidays but you know full well that you would NEVER spend 10 hours of the day time in the house with your child without leaving it for even a trip to the park. 10 hours is a long time and there is only so many activities I can do with your child in your home, not that they even like doing them because they get bored so easily.

I have to be ‘on’ at all times since you work with your door open and of course, I am still caring for your child but at least if I take them out of the house, they can play where I can see them in the play park etc without them being sat next to me for endless hours in one room at your house.

I would love you to spend 10 hours in someone else’s house with limited resources to keeping their child entertained but we both know you won’t. So stop being a hypocrite and expecting me to do so!

PS, your child engages with me so much more when we have genuine 1-2-1 time and you are doing them no favours by not allowing me to build their confidence through new experiences which they struggle with because you keep them so sheltered in the home!!’

ARGH! AIBU?

Sounds great. Click ‘send’

God, how strange. I’d have thought the more time out and about the better!

I hated working from home if the nanny was there with the kids. It rarely happened, but if it did I was counting the minutes down until she went out with them! And I always had the door closed to make all our lives easier. I can’t imagine for a moment ever telling her how to spend her time with the kids -I trusted her to look after them, so what she chose to do was up to her!!

How does the parent get any work done?

I wonder this all the time. Constantly popping in for a cup of tea, comes out and says ‘I’m just nipping to the shops’.

You would think so! Sometimes if they’re in a meeting zoom call, I’ll just get child ready and pop my head and say ‘we’re off out! See you later’

but other times the child will start saying they don’t want to go anywhere before I’ve even got there. So I arrive and the WFH parent says ‘oh they’ve said they don’t want to go out today’. Their supposed alternative is to go out in the garden as if it’s the same as getting out!

I find it so frustrating as like I said in my OP, this child really struggles with making the most of their imagination and confidence in new situations. Once I get them out, they really enjoy themselves. We will go to 2-3 different places, take a packed lunch and have lunch out but they aren’t helping their child by keeping them in.

Its easier to distract the child from their parent being at home if we aren’t there but it’s the parent telling me not to go out!

But you also need to know that sometimes the kids do say they are too tired to go out because they are! I don’t know the set up or the age but if they are having play dates, had camps and when the parents are off they’re doing holiday stuff/activities etc then maybe they do just need time! Ds (10) asked me the other day ‘please please can we just have a day we don’t leave the house or have people over?’ Are in Ireland and have been off since the end of June and when I thought on it we’ve filled up so many of their days, when we’ve both been working they were in camp, we’ve gone camping, they’ve had their aunts and uncles come over and yes, have been to the park loads. We’ve gone out hiking every chance we can get too! They all piped up and said ‘do we not get a choice in our summer? Can we not just sit at home?’ All said they were wrecked😅

I find it so frustrating as like I said in my OP, this child really struggles with making the most of their imagination and confidence in new situations. Once I get them out, they really enjoy themselves. We will go to 2-3 different places, take a packed lunch and have lunch out but they aren’t helping their child by keeping them in.
welcome to parenting! You spend your whole time convincing your child they want to do stuff they don't think they want to do as they rebel against anything interesting/educational/ that takes up any energy or that you know will be fun!! Maybe their parents are picking their battles!

Could you get the child (as an indoor activity) to write up a schedule for the next few weeks.

So get them to use Google and find 10 activities in the local area they can do during the Summer. Then find 2 in the nearest easily accessible town/city by train etc.

Then you have a plan to stick to, which they have created themselves.

Look for museums, activities like pottery painting, parks they haven't been to before, places of interest? Obviously depending on the budget you are given for a day out.

I was sick of dd1 telling me she was bored during half term so I got her to do this for the summer.

Maybe their parents are picking their battles!

But it isn’t their parents battles. It’s mine. Child is in my care. I know when they are genuinely tired and don’t take them out at those times accordingly. What I don’t need is the parent who supposedly trusts me to look after their most precious person in the world, but doesn’t trust my judgement on when we leave the house or not.

I have done this. If I know we have a full day coming up, I find something new to do and hype child up on it. They are so excited, but of course when they first get up and are groggy and say their still tired before I’ve even got there at 8am, parent has already bought into the idea they don’t want to go. Then at 2pm when we are 6 hours in to being sat in their living room and child is full of energy, I’m frustrated that we aren’t going out. I’ll then try to get them to the park but they fixate on ‘parent says I don’t have to go’.

Bloody annoying

I would start looking for something else or speak up and say I prefer to get some fresh air every day and I think it is beneficial for x. If they say no ask if you can take your lunch out so that you get a break.

I would let them get bored and if they complain say within earshot of the parent "Yes, I can see you are bored. If you like we can go to X or y but if you only want to stay in the house then yes, you probably will feel bored."

Rain apart, why can't you take the child into the garden and tire them out there?

OP you're a professional being paid to care for their child in that child's best interests, so if they are at all reasonable (and keen to retain you!) they should be open to a little feedback and your professional advice. I'd be speaking to the mum with a condensed version of your post. Obviously placing more emphasis on the benefit to their child than on the difficulties to you, but overall there's nothing unreasonable in your messaging so I'd be having that conversation.

I couldn't sit in a room with a child for 10 hours doing 1 to 1 activities for days on end. That sounds hard and you can bet the parents don't do that on your days off. It must be very boring for you and the child. You should explain this and take them to the park and on little trips if they want to stay close to home.

Tell the parent.

Have you got kids? There’s a good chance this parent feels anxious at their most precious thing being taken out the house by you - it’s not easy to relax when your kids are out of your sight. You might be trustworthy but most parents don’t kick off their shoes and pour the margaritas the moment their kids leave the house. They feel guilt and worried. maybe she’s sad she has to work and would love to be with her kid and getting to pop in and see them makes her happy?

secondly, maybe this child has said they don’t feel happy going out with you sometimes. Kids get anxiety. Maybe this parent has had a conversation with their child that made them feel they shouldn’t push them to go out. That’s not your choice to make and not your place to decide what’s best for this family.

thirdly you could just ask about it? Ask whether you could take him out more. Or why not ask for some more indoor activities? Say you’d like to do xyz with him at home as it would make staying in with him more productive.

fourthly just get a new family instead of bitching about how this woman chooses to use a service that she pays for? If you don’t want to provide the service she wants leave.

And why are they being a hypocrite? Parents often spend days in with their kids. Relax/watch films/play games/cook sometimes out of necessity, sometimes because they want to. A nanny is there to provide childcare support to a family in a way that suits them so if you can’t support this particular family it is you who is not doing their job.

Do you not have an imagination?

Invite a friend over and get them playing together, get a football, set up the paddling pool, get some jars etc and look for bugs, take a picnic blanket and some snacks and a book out there together, take art materials outside and draw some still-life or make a collage using leaves, build dens, ask parents to buy something like swingball or a tennis net. The child is 7 years old, not 7 months! And she's a nanny so presumably a professional who should be able to think up a few garden games!

(I do fully appreciate that some children just like to wallow in their boredom and will say no to things on principle but to have no ideas to suggest at all would be weird)

They are a wonderful family. They include me in lots of things that’s beyond expectations. I love their child. They pay me well and know my worth. I feel very appreciated as they tell me all the time how they couldn’t function without me and how much their child loves me. I’m truly happy with my employers.

Its just this one little thing.

@Devonshiregal up until now I have just said parent. But you have assumed it is the mother. It’s actually not the mum, it’s the dad. The mum actually suggests places her child has expressed interest in and would trust me to take her on the train 2 hours away if I said so.

And she's a nanny so presumably a professional who should be able to think up a few garden games!

I never said I was lacking in activities. The child does not want to do none stop activities and is sometimes content to play on their own. Which is absolutely fine - but that’s where it is tricky with a parent who WFH because if I’m sat there while they are happy playing solo and the parent is also 10 ft away, I become a bit seemingly pointless.

The rain makes it harder but off the top of my head:

Game of football/cricket/badminton
Treasure hunt
Obstacle course
Planting seeds
Digging/mud pies
Bug hunt
Chalks
Water play

Basically all the things they would do if they were at nursery.

If the weather were better I would add:
Paddling pool/sprinkler
Watering the garden
Picnic
Daisy chains