Dear parent, stop being hypocritical

[Wednesdia]

This is a rant I need to get off my chest, let me know if I am being unreasonable. I am a nanny and I really do love the family I work for but -

Dear parent,
PLEASE for the love of god, stop pandering to your child saying they are too tired to leave the house while I am looking after them or that it’s raining. They are 7 years old, they have all the energy in the world. Please realise that your child wants to stay home because they are off school and you work from home and they just want to be around you. Which is lovely but makes my job so much harder as it is.

I am more than willing to look after your child all day during the holidays but you know full well that you would NEVER spend 10 hours of the day time in the house with your child without leaving it for even a trip to the park. 10 hours is a long time and there is only so many activities I can do with your child in your home, not that they even like doing them because they get bored so easily.

I have to be ‘on’ at all times since you work with your door open and of course, I am still caring for your child but at least if I take them out of the house, they can play where I can see them in the play park etc without them being sat next to me for endless hours in one room at your house.

I would love you to spend 10 hours in someone else’s house with limited resources to keeping their child entertained but we both know you won’t. So stop being a hypocrite and expecting me to do so!

PS, your child engages with me so much more when we have genuine 1-2-1 time and you are doing them no favours by not allowing me to build their confidence through new experiences which they struggle with because you keep them so sheltered in the home!!’

ARGH! AIBU?

Perhaps rather than slagging your employer off on here it would be better having a conversation with them?

and some children do need the time in. Especially early in the holidays when they are regulating themselves again.

I don’t think people would say I was slagging off my employer if it was another profession. People get tetchy about nannies on here because we’re talking about parents.

They happily send their youngest to a nursery where they have signed a contract that states mandatory outdoor provision everyday in all weathers and trust that those childcare staff are meeting the needs of their child. Would think it was okay if a parent goes into a nursery and says their child must stay inside all that day because they say they are tired approximately 5 minutes after waking up?

I would approach the parents and be honest that it does not work for you and their child to be stuck indoors, approach it professionally and politely though. How long have you worked for this family? How often are you having to be stuck indoors all day?

I’m a nanny and the only way I stay sane in the holidays is out in the morning, home for lunch and out again all afternoon. I do not enjoy the parents at home dynamic at all, they find it too hard not to get involved. I have a child too so I get it to an extent but I don’t pop up randomly to my boss’s home office and chip in with suggestions while she’s working so I expect her not to do the same to me. Covid and WFH really changed things for a lot of nannies 😔

I know this child better than most of the little ones in my extended family. I’m with this child more hours in the week than anyone else I know including my partner. I’m not saying that if they are genuinely tired they can’t stay in, in fact I’ve let them have necessary naps when the parents have complained because they physically couldn’t stay awake and I knew that they needed a nap. But I know them well enough that 99% of the time, it is beneficial for them to have some time out of the house on the days I am there 8am - 7pm.

What would be s better option for this parent then? Surely a nanny would be the most sensible option in this scenario? All families are different and therefore different nannies will work one but not another. Nannies are employed to be helpful to a family in their home and to their style of parenting no?

Haha agree about the 5 minute picnic. It's reminiscent of the advice for parents of toddlers on MN during the lockdowns - all you needed was a puddlesuit and your day would miraculously pass by. Or the suggestions of baking, indoor disco, rhyme time etc which were find in themselves but would fill 90 minutes max.

I....I have.... I have literally done these things with children. I'm also a nanny. It's my job.

It's easier to do as a nanny because I do it on a full night's sleep and after a weekend of being "me" rather than "mum" and I can refresh my imagination and energy reserves. I've also had years of training and experience in how to extend an activity and a child's learning.

I'm not a mythical beast. I'm a professional who can do my job well.

I have 10 years experience with children. are you implying that I can’t do my job well? Because it doesn’t matter how good you are, a child’s attention span does not change, it develops as they grow but not one child I’ve ever known out of the literal hundreds I’ve cared for would have ever been okay to be cooped up doing activity after activity for 10 hours. They need free time to themselves to play doing their own thing. I have already said that with a working from home parent present that’s not really an option without it making me look bad.

EVERY day though, really, for the hours? You’d keep that up? Sustain a level of engagement and activity from a child? I don’t think so.

Mary Poppins might have done it, but she had drugs and magic at her disposal.

@Skinnermarink only on MN would people expect you to keep a child on their own without other children, entertained for 10 hours in one room and the garden 😂

I'm not implying anything about your ability to do your job. You haven't specifically said what you've tried and haven't tried to keep the child entertained in their home and garden but I trust that you've made a good stab at it. I'm largely on your side (though I do support children being allowed quiet days at home regularly)

My argument was with the poster I quoted who said no child could be entertained in the garden for more than 10mins. She's now back-tracked and said an hour. I still maintain that even with a 7yr old you can get an afternoon of enjoyment in the garden but never did I say that it was sustainable over a long period of time in place of other activities inside or outside of the home.

This sounds really difficult. We don’t have a nanny and the main reason why not is that our house simply isn’t suitable for us to WFH while expecting a nanny to work in it and it wouldn’t be fair on anyone concerned.

Also I can only speak for my own children but mine need some outdoor exercise every day, irrespective of how tired they are, (unless they’re unwell obviously). Otherwise they go insane and don’t sleep properly at night. And get even more tired.

I understand your need to vent, but this is probably the best way to go about it.

If my nanny was coming to me with your OP, my response would probably be: "isn't this what you are paid for?". It's their right as employers to give you instructions about how to care for their kid.

Putting forward the benefit for the child is more likely to get you the result you want.

Well, yes and no because a decent, experienced nanny is not there to just be told what to do and when to do it. We are professionals that bring our own capabilities to the role. I’m not there to be dictated to when I have my own wealth of experience after many years of it being my career, and any decent employer should not be so short sighted as to not realise that.

Address it with the parent - head on and in a professional manner - as a developmental issue. That you think said child would genuinely benefit from more experienced outside the home and that these would help develop imagination, creativity etc. If you put it in terms of “obviously, they want to be around you - but I think doing more of this sort of thing on “my time” would free up your “family time””. That sort of thing. That way it’s not a bitch, but a proactive discussion based on your professional assessment of their child’s development needs. Nobody could knock you for that.

This reminds me a bit of DC's crappy Disney dad who often takes DC's lead because he wants to be seen as the good cop and doesn't want to do any of the difficult bits. Personally i'd go nuts shut up with DC for 10 hours. I often suggest things that she doesn't fancy, but we generally go anyway and she generally enjoys herself.

Can you do some more telling than asking? Is there any impact on the dad from you stopping in all day? Sounds like he's going against mum's wishes too.

Yep! I was a nanny for 14 years and I hated working when the parents were around. It made things a million times harder and eventually stopped taking a job if the parents were around a lot.
The kids never wanted to go out but needed to. They were forever trying to get up to see their parents (as is normal for them) and sometimes no amount of distractions would help. There was also the constant running to parents if I had said no to something.

I literally quoted you saying no child could be entertained for more than 10mins in the garden. I then listed some perfectly valid activities that I have done with children in the garden for more than 10mins (and no-one suggested a picnic. I suggested reading books on a picnic rug with some snacks but if you want to add a picnic lunch into the mix you've probably given yourself another 20mins of outdoor time).

I didn't say it was sustainable over a period of time or that the nanny should tolerate never leaving the house. I just gave some activity ideas because it seemed like you (rather than the nanny) lacked inspiration.