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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end things with my partner

73 replies

Yorkyh · 31/07/2023 15:40

Some of you may of seen a recent post I have made where I have been through a lot recently with a breast cancer diagnosis, currently undergoing chemotherapy, and my partner losing his job for the second time in a year but ultimately the issue being he hardly stepped up to help with the basics when I needed it and blamed his unhappiness at work on this.

We had a conversation where I voiced my concerns about our future, as me nearly age 30 with a mortgage and the usual responsibilities, was concerned that moving forward financially we would not be stable if we were to commit to a house etc together with his past.

Part of this conversation was him understanding that yes he can see where I am coming from, but he feels I was being erratic and not thinking straight due to the medication I am currently on. Please note I am holding down a house, dog, cat, and full time work so I can't be that mentally unwell otherwise all of this would be falling apart also. I am looking after myself, eating well and exercising when I feel well enough to.

Since then, he has commented that I was psycho in that week 'as a joke', yesterday called me spoilt and also claimed that I am only happy when I get what I want (in front of my parents), also as 'jokes'. His way of doing it is he will say it and then give me a little squeeze, or when I say for example, do you really think I am psycho, he will say no of course not it is a joke.

I have brought this up with him today and he has said that I make him feel like he cannot speak, he is treading on eggshells, that I just stew on things and bring them up later, and that I am overly sensitive (but apparently have a right to be). He point blank refused to admit he had called me a psycho, and 30 minutes later accidentally slipped up and admitted he said it, and then changed it to he doesn't know if I said it or not. I pointed out that had the conversation ended before he admitted it, that I would of thought I was yet again in the wrong and he had not said it. I am getting to a point where I feel I am going insane and being told that I am going mad, that I have heard what he has said wrong and that I should be taking these insults as a joke, it is really getting me down.

He also said my Father agrees with him on the medication and that I am not well at all in the head during this period (he has never mentioned this to me and has never even hinted at it), and that my Mum fully understands his job situation and feels he is doing all he can (she has said different to me). I have not had chance to speak to them yet about this but I do feel it is likely false.

The reason why I question myself wanting to split up from him is A) the upset and the nice memories we have together, but B) he can be such a nice person, and in other ways has helped such as helping me decorate parts of my house including taking time off to do so, offers to help with little things like a lift somewhere etc. I obviously have done lots for him, it is not tit for tat but he mentions these things he has helped him with when we argue.

AIBU to break up with my partner over the above.

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 31/07/2023 15:44

Sounds like it has run its course and you have already made your decision.

if it was me, I couldn’t be arsed with that narcissistic behaviour, life is far too short for that and you have bigger things to worry about.

Easy to say at this end of things but I would end it.

anon2022anon · 31/07/2023 15:44

You aren't happy. He isn't supportive. He is gaslighting you. He is calling you names. He is using the fact that you are on medication to do both of the above. You would be unreasonable to stay in this relationship in my view. You only have one life, and you've already gone through a lot in yours, so why not choose a partner who is nice to you and makes you feel good?

whitebreadjamsandwich · 31/07/2023 15:45

He sounds like a gaslighting cocklodging dickhead who is sucking your soul when you need the opposite. Get rid and you'll feel so much better

SequentialAnalyst · 31/07/2023 15:46

This is emotional abuse, plain and simple. Get out of this relationship.

ConnieTucker · 31/07/2023 15:53

Fuck no yanbu. Dump his lying arse.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 31/07/2023 15:54

He’s gaslighting you. Probably because he knows you’re onto him and he wants to make you feel like this is all your fault.

Also, whatever he says, I have no doubt that your parents can see straight through him and are worried sick that you are with someone like this when you are potentially vulnerable.

Please leave. You deserve so much better than this.

Watchkeys · 31/07/2023 15:58

Why do you think you have to be reasonable in dumping someone? If you want to dump them, you do it. You don't have to justify or explain anything. 'This relationship isn't making me happy anymore' is all you need to say.

Dombasle · 31/07/2023 15:58

Immature and sly. Playing the 'I'm only joking' is just a cover for being a twat.

Dump and move on.

AgnesX · 31/07/2023 15:58

Good god 🙄 and your father has been roped into this as well???? The fact that he's done that is a step too far.

Another vote for giving this man the heave, you really do not want to shackle yourself to him in any way, shape or form.

DismantledKing · 31/07/2023 15:59

You don’t need the opinion of randoms on the internet to end a relationship.

Nanny0gg · 31/07/2023 16:01

DismantledKing · 31/07/2023 15:59

You don’t need the opinion of randoms on the internet to end a relationship.

This is true.

But as you're asking -

Dump the twat

neilyoungismyhero · 31/07/2023 16:03

He sounds awful. He brings very little to your table, literally. You can do better than this bellend bringing you down and making you question yourself. The trouble is he will grind you down if you stay together don't let him do that.

IhearyouClemFandango · 31/07/2023 16:03

whitebreadjamsandwich · 31/07/2023 15:45

He sounds like a gaslighting cocklodging dickhead who is sucking your soul when you need the opposite. Get rid and you'll feel so much better

This. He sounds awful. And I bet your parents haven't said any such thing to him.

bladebladebla1 · 31/07/2023 16:06

He's being this mean to you while you have cancer? When you really need to see the best version of him? Get him to fuck, what a horrible bastard. I wish you a speedy recovery... from him and chemo

something2say · 31/07/2023 16:06

He's shown you that he simply isn't good enough basically, is how it seems to me. Making fun of you and then twisting it round to make you at fault. I hate that! I think you can do better xx

something2say · 31/07/2023 16:06

He's shown you that he simply isn't good enough basically, is how it seems to me. Making fun of you and then twisting it round to make you at fault. I hate that! I think you can do better xx

romdowa · 31/07/2023 16:10

He's gaslighting and abusing you while you are at your most vunerable. You've enough on your plate with being unwell , get rid of him , he's absolutely vile.

Easterdisaster2023 · 31/07/2023 16:13

He's trying to make out you're mentally unstable to get you to accept his lazy and selfish behaviour. He's tried to do this when you're at your most vulnerable - he's a shitty person and you should drop him like a hot potato, your future with him would be miserable.

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/07/2023 16:13

whitebreadjamsandwich · 31/07/2023 15:45

He sounds like a gaslighting cocklodging dickhead who is sucking your soul when you need the opposite. Get rid and you'll feel so much better

This! And to use your ill health against you as his excuse for name calling and gaslighting when he doesn't even have the balls to own what he's said is just despicable.

MagpiePi · 31/07/2023 16:20

Don’t think that you should continue a relationship just because you had some nice times in the past. You don’t need to diminish them, but they are not relevant to how he is behaving now.

I think you should be prepared for him to fight against finishing the relationship, and he might well turn on the charm for a bit, but he has shown his true colours.

Be strong and get rid.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/07/2023 16:21

Trying to make you think you're going mad is the very definition of gaslighting. This is a bad thing. Right now you have enough going on in your life without spending valuable energy on a so-called partner who is quite the opposite of supportive. He was nice until you really needed him to be, then he wasn't. Who does that?

greenteaandmarshmallows · 31/07/2023 16:22

You'd be unreasonable not to leave

QuintessentiallyScottish · 31/07/2023 16:46

Do you really need to ask?

Beware the person who doesn't support you when you need them, and can seem to actively make things worse.

Beware the person who tries to claim you are mentally unwell, especially when you are trying to have a serious discussion with them.

Beware the person who criticises you then claims to be joking. They are not. They wouldn't have said it if they didn't mean it.

Beware the person who calls you over sensitive, especially when you are trying to have a serious discussion with them.

Beware the person who lies, gaslights and manipulates.

Beware the person who keeps a detailed list of all the times they have done things for you, then claim you have done nothing for them. If he hasn't done that already, he will, given the chance.

The nice times you've had together have been to his advantage. They are making you consider not breaking up with the man who did all of the above. They are a sham. They are not a reason to accept more abuse, which is what will happen if you stay in this relationship.

I am getting to a point where I feel I am going insane

His behaviour is working.

This is the time you need support, not a man who is so fragile he needs to bring you down even further so he can feel better about himself.

Yes, you will probably be upset, that's okay, but once you have been free of him for a while you will have the headspace to see his behaviour for what it is. Don't, whatever you do, let him take away the strength you have now. I hope your treatment goes well Flowers

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 31/07/2023 16:47

It’s actually quite common for men to fail women when they get a cancer diagnosis & this is what’s happening to you.

If you leave he can have a clean conscious because he doesn’t want to look like the scumbag who left a woman with cancer. Hence you are now labelled as mental 🙄

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/07/2023 16:50

Life's too short to stick with someone like this
He's playing mind games and making jokes at your expense
Enjoy life in your own house alone( for now)

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