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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want anymore help from in-laws

54 replies

DanSS · 31/07/2023 14:25

Hi,
Never really used a site like this before but would really like some opinions before I say anything and potentially cause a fall out.
My wife and I have been married 5 years, together 9 and have a 4 year old daughter, I love both my wife and daughter so much they are my priority in every way.
My wife and I are from very different backgrounds, she was privately educated from primary and went to a performing arts boarding school in secondary. I'm from a working class family from the north east. My wife is incredibly humble, is very aware of her privilege etc. When we got engaged 7 years ago, her grandparents offered to buy us a house, we accepted gratefully. They bought us a nice home in S/W London, that never could we have afforded without them. Being able to live mortgage free also greatly enhances our quality of life. My wife's parents then offered to pay for our wedding in entirety. I wanted to pay for some things myself, but they did pay for the vast majority.
Now my wife and I both make good money, we have both worked very hard to get to where we are, and know that we are lucky to have had the support we have had. I love providing for my family, it is the main reason I go out to work everyday, my wife shares my mindset. Our daughter is starting school after summer. We decided on an independent school, my wife was keen for her to go somewhere that valued the arts and sports as she has made her career in the creative industries. She was concerned that ever the best state school would fail to nurture the arts and sports while still teaching the academic subjects well.
The fees are £6500 a term. Between my wife and I we can afford this, we also still have enough for uniform, extracurriculars, holidays etc. We don't spend as much as others who have the same joint income partially due to being mortgage free but also because my wife and I are very self-sufficient, no nanny, only recently a cleaner twice a week for a couple of hours. We have adjusted our work hours to only need after-school care once or twice a week. I like that we do a lot for ourselves it is rewarding.
My In-laws have decided they want to pay over half of our daughters school fees, give us the equivalent to what we have spent on uniform etc. They also want to pay for our daughters extra-curriculars. I am very grateful for their offer, but I want to do this ourselves, she is our daughter it is our job to provide for her. My wife has real issue with saying no to her parents, they can be very pushy and overbearing, luckily they live quite far away but she doesn't enjoy them visiting. She also isn't massively close to them as in her childhood they were absent, she would board at school all year then be sent to camps in holidays. They had extremely high expectations for her and if they weren't met would be emotionally abusive. She has had years of therapy to work through this, has said she wants to cut them out but feels like she can't because it would upset her grandparents (she feels like we owe them for the house) and she feels like she owes her parents for the wedding/expensive education etc.
I really want to say, thank you, but no thanks and maybe suggest the put the money in savings for our daughter when she is an adult. I just know my wife is going to say no we should accept it, use it for what they have asked us to and put the money we save away for our daughter. I just know they will use this to brag, tell everyone how they pay for their granddaughters education/clubs etc. and make it look like my wife and I can't or won't. At our wedding they went around telling everyone how they had paid for it all. However I know if I ask my wife to tell them no she will get anxious and scared about doing it, they have very volatile personalities and can be cruel with words, especially towards my wife when something doesn't go there way.
So I guess I'm asking, am I being unfair saying I don't want their help and putting my wife in an awkward position of rejecting it?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/07/2023 14:37

You're not being unreasonable at all, and perhaps you can make the offer to inform your in-laws if your wife can't currently cope with doing so. As you said, your in-laws can put that money aside for your daughter if they wish to.

More importantly, your wife needs to get back into therapy, and I really think you need couples therapy, as well. If you and your wife can't get on the same page in regards to your in-laws interference, it will put your marriage under serious threat. Your wife is still living in the FOG, and while I have a lot of sympathy for her, she has to learn to support you and stand up for what you both want for your child. You need to support your wife in going low/no contact with her parents if need be, and also to not sit silently by if they start being abusive to her.

Marleymoo42 · 31/07/2023 15:05

It's not unreasonable at all. They are very generous but overstepping. I would ask that they instead set up a trust fund for their grandchilds future (university, training, house deposit etc.)

I think you need to stand firm on this as the potential fall out from then paying and it not working is far worse than hurting their feelings now. What if your child doesn't do subjects they approve of or is bone idle? Or what if this school doesn't work out and you/she wants to move? Will they expect invitations to sports day and piano recitals? What about other family members? It's potentially very messy!

TheFormidableMrsC · 31/07/2023 16:44

Difficult and they are overstepping. My response would be "that's very kind but we've got this covered and the funds are already there for her education". I would also suggest they put it in a trust fund for her for when she's an adult if they feel they must do something.

I really hate it when people are this generous but use it to publicly validate themselves. I suspect they know they let her down in terms of parenting and are trying to throw money instead. Take the burden of this from your wife and tell them on behalf of you both.

MisschiefMaker · 31/07/2023 16:58

I think the idea of putting it into a trust for the daughter is a great compromise. They probably want to give away the money rather than hoard it and have it taxed when they die.

Tinkerbyebye · 31/07/2023 17:29

You may need to step up and say no to paying, it’s your job

however if they would like to save that money for your daughter when she’s left full time education then fine, or perhaps they save it for her to use should she go to university

Curseofthenation · 31/07/2023 17:33

I think I would take it. Does it really matter who spends on what or who brags about what? As long as there are no strings attached and it meant my DD benefited then I'd take it.

If your in laws lived close by and felt entitled to pop in on the regular then it would be a very different story. I agree with a PP that they probably want to avoid your DW's inheritance being taxed. She's going to get the money either way. Better now than later.

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 31/07/2023 17:38

I'm very much a never turn down free money sort of person so would bite their hand off. I would accept the money anf then save what we would have been spending out on school for house/car/travelling etc for DD

Muckysmucky · 31/07/2023 17:43

I think some of the problem is that you have been only too happy to have a huge amount of financial help from her side of the family when it suited you.
If they are so awful and abusive and controlling as well as her having a horrible childhood to the point she is considering going no contact, why were you both so willing to have a whole house in SE London given to you as well as thousands for a wedding?

Lots of families pass on money and we have done the same for our children but (and it’s a big but) we have a great relationship with them. There is no control or demand and they can say yes or no without impact on how we all feel about each other. We haven’t bought power or control over them.

You knew there would be strings and implications that would tie your wife to the family she doesn’t like but you took it because you saw £££.

I don’t think you should accept it but I do slightly think you have made your bed here. Hard to say to them ‘we want our independence to pay for our DD’ when you are living mortgage and rent free in a London property that they gave you.

Also, having a cleaner and using after school club isn’t some bastion of independence and self sufficiency. We don’t all have house keepers and full time nannies. There are many parents on here who both work, have zero help at all and also pay their own rent or mortgage.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 31/07/2023 17:48

I can sort of see where you are coming from but unless there was abuse involved I wouldn’t ever turn down money offered to my dc. They aren’t giving anything to you they are giving it to your dc and I don’t really understand why your pride is more valid than their desire to help. I agree with a pp. allow them to help and put the money you save in trust for your dc. Your dd will then have a lovely nest egg when she’s left uni.

SkaneTos · 31/07/2023 17:50

Muckysmucky · 31/07/2023 17:43

I think some of the problem is that you have been only too happy to have a huge amount of financial help from her side of the family when it suited you.
If they are so awful and abusive and controlling as well as her having a horrible childhood to the point she is considering going no contact, why were you both so willing to have a whole house in SE London given to you as well as thousands for a wedding?

Lots of families pass on money and we have done the same for our children but (and it’s a big but) we have a great relationship with them. There is no control or demand and they can say yes or no without impact on how we all feel about each other. We haven’t bought power or control over them.

You knew there would be strings and implications that would tie your wife to the family she doesn’t like but you took it because you saw £££.

I don’t think you should accept it but I do slightly think you have made your bed here. Hard to say to them ‘we want our independence to pay for our DD’ when you are living mortgage and rent free in a London property that they gave you.

Also, having a cleaner and using after school club isn’t some bastion of independence and self sufficiency. We don’t all have house keepers and full time nannies. There are many parents on here who both work, have zero help at all and also pay their own rent or mortgage.

I agree with this.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 31/07/2023 17:53

I think that you should tell her parents that thanks to the help you've received from her grandparents and themselves, you are now if a very good financial position, and would prefer to pay for your daughter's education yourself. If they argue about it, then just say that you really appreciate the offer but if they feel they must contribute, then please put whatever money they wish into a trust fund for her.

Appleofmyeye2023 · 31/07/2023 17:53

Marleymoo42 · 31/07/2023 15:05

It's not unreasonable at all. They are very generous but overstepping. I would ask that they instead set up a trust fund for their grandchilds future (university, training, house deposit etc.)

I think you need to stand firm on this as the potential fall out from then paying and it not working is far worse than hurting their feelings now. What if your child doesn't do subjects they approve of or is bone idle? Or what if this school doesn't work out and you/she wants to move? Will they expect invitations to sports day and piano recitals? What about other family members? It's potentially very messy!

Yep, defiantly they should be told any money they send will be refunded back to them, and that you feel you’ve accepted enough from them direct, so put it directly into trust for your daughter and potential other children ( if that’s on cards). That way daughter can decide what she wants to do with it. It will be enormous help for a youngster who is final bit of education, or just starting post education to get a bit of security, or even take a year out travelling, or put to their own wedding when, perhaps sadly, grandparents no longer around.

violetcuriosity · 31/07/2023 17:55

I wish I had this problem 🙈

Littlefish · 31/07/2023 17:58

Ask them to put the money into an ISA for your daughter instead of paying school fees.

Womencanlift · 31/07/2023 18:00

I also think that saving their money is the way forward as there will be too many expectations if they pay for the education

But I don’t think they will like that as it’s not tangible enough that they can brag about with their friends at the golf club.

By your explanation of them sounds like the reason why they offer so much help; to be able to control and to have the chance to brag about it to friends

Whatevs99 · 31/07/2023 18:02

AI must have written the OP. It is the weirdest sentence structure I have ever seen and reads as being totally false….

StBrides · 31/07/2023 18:03

MisschiefMaker · 31/07/2023 16:58

I think the idea of putting it into a trust for the daughter is a great compromise. They probably want to give away the money rather than hoard it and have it taxed when they die.

Exactly what I was going tosay. Mumsnet might not agree, but sometimes in families the path of least resistance can make the best compromise. You could stick the money in trust, not tell them and there's no need for confrontation and you retain your independence.

Maddy70 · 31/07/2023 18:07

You aren't being unreasonable but .... It's helping them out financially and you. It's best to spend ti be tax effective and avoid capital gains.

You are paying some of it. Let them pay half. It's something many grandparents do. It's not a slight on you it's a normal thing in wealthier families.

Let them make a contribution and you spend that money on making memories with them. Nice holidays and experiences

BrawnWild · 31/07/2023 18:08

I would take the money and let them brag. Your daughter doesnt care where it comes from.

You are already down the warren hole for handouts so why stop now? I'm not judging, I'm genuinely asking, why?

Is this just about you and your perceptions of masculinity and providing?: "I want to provide", "we have adjusted our houses so we don't need afterschool care", "my family are my priority", "i wanted to pay for some things [for the wedding]"

Or reverse snobbery/class issues about taking money?

I think you have married into a family who do things differently with money. There is might even be a tax benefit for them. But you are walking in that world now so I think you need to swim with the current.

Your anticipation of a problem (emotional abuse) seems preemptive. Act if it happens. Just set boundaries if and when you need to. You get along well enough to see them?

TakenRoot · 31/07/2023 18:15

@Muckysmucky @SkaneTos the parents didn’t buy the house. The grandparents, with whom the OP and his DW have no problems with, did.

deww · 31/07/2023 18:16

take the money but be ready to step up and start paying the full amount if you need to cut contact. As this is an ongoing expense that will likely grow as your daughter gets older, it would be worth getting all he help you can. Just don't let them use it as a bargaining chip and if they do put them in their place.

I personally wouldn't care about the bragging, as long as I didn't feel like I owed them anything

WhatWouldHopperDo · 31/07/2023 18:22

The thing I would be worried about most is if they feel they are entitled to apply the same pressure to your DD as they did to your wife because they are contributing towards school.

AliceOlive · 31/07/2023 18:25

I would just put it in savings for your daughter for later. I understand the inclination to decline, but think it's not worth the argument.

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 31/07/2023 18:32

Accept it and save/invest your money for her. Ride the gravy train for as long as you can OP, choo choo.

watersprites · 31/07/2023 18:35

I think some of the problem is that you have been only too happy to have a huge amount of financial help from her side of the family when it suited you.If they are so awful and abusive and controlling as well as her having a horrible childhood to the point she is considering going no contact, why were you both so willing to have a whole house in SE London given to you as well as thousands for a wedding?

yep, you may as well take the money for education.