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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want anymore help from in-laws

54 replies

DanSS · 31/07/2023 14:25

Hi,
Never really used a site like this before but would really like some opinions before I say anything and potentially cause a fall out.
My wife and I have been married 5 years, together 9 and have a 4 year old daughter, I love both my wife and daughter so much they are my priority in every way.
My wife and I are from very different backgrounds, she was privately educated from primary and went to a performing arts boarding school in secondary. I'm from a working class family from the north east. My wife is incredibly humble, is very aware of her privilege etc. When we got engaged 7 years ago, her grandparents offered to buy us a house, we accepted gratefully. They bought us a nice home in S/W London, that never could we have afforded without them. Being able to live mortgage free also greatly enhances our quality of life. My wife's parents then offered to pay for our wedding in entirety. I wanted to pay for some things myself, but they did pay for the vast majority.
Now my wife and I both make good money, we have both worked very hard to get to where we are, and know that we are lucky to have had the support we have had. I love providing for my family, it is the main reason I go out to work everyday, my wife shares my mindset. Our daughter is starting school after summer. We decided on an independent school, my wife was keen for her to go somewhere that valued the arts and sports as she has made her career in the creative industries. She was concerned that ever the best state school would fail to nurture the arts and sports while still teaching the academic subjects well.
The fees are £6500 a term. Between my wife and I we can afford this, we also still have enough for uniform, extracurriculars, holidays etc. We don't spend as much as others who have the same joint income partially due to being mortgage free but also because my wife and I are very self-sufficient, no nanny, only recently a cleaner twice a week for a couple of hours. We have adjusted our work hours to only need after-school care once or twice a week. I like that we do a lot for ourselves it is rewarding.
My In-laws have decided they want to pay over half of our daughters school fees, give us the equivalent to what we have spent on uniform etc. They also want to pay for our daughters extra-curriculars. I am very grateful for their offer, but I want to do this ourselves, she is our daughter it is our job to provide for her. My wife has real issue with saying no to her parents, they can be very pushy and overbearing, luckily they live quite far away but she doesn't enjoy them visiting. She also isn't massively close to them as in her childhood they were absent, she would board at school all year then be sent to camps in holidays. They had extremely high expectations for her and if they weren't met would be emotionally abusive. She has had years of therapy to work through this, has said she wants to cut them out but feels like she can't because it would upset her grandparents (she feels like we owe them for the house) and she feels like she owes her parents for the wedding/expensive education etc.
I really want to say, thank you, but no thanks and maybe suggest the put the money in savings for our daughter when she is an adult. I just know my wife is going to say no we should accept it, use it for what they have asked us to and put the money we save away for our daughter. I just know they will use this to brag, tell everyone how they pay for their granddaughters education/clubs etc. and make it look like my wife and I can't or won't. At our wedding they went around telling everyone how they had paid for it all. However I know if I ask my wife to tell them no she will get anxious and scared about doing it, they have very volatile personalities and can be cruel with words, especially towards my wife when something doesn't go there way.
So I guess I'm asking, am I being unfair saying I don't want their help and putting my wife in an awkward position of rejecting it?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 31/07/2023 18:39

If the parents can pay from their income then they get tax breaks for so doing. I would say you will only accept if no strings and put the same amount you would have spent yourself into an Junior Bonds for the daughter.

Mumsanetta · 31/07/2023 18:39

I see your predicament and would also be tempted to recoil from an offer of financial support that was likely to come with strings. My sister’s mother in law contributed to her wedding but insisted that the money was spent on evening food and fancy chair covers that were not needed. My FIL contributed to our wedding but insisted the money was spent on champagne that we didn’t actually care about. These are low level examples but they were annoying at the time so I can see why accepting your inlaw’s offer of funding your DD’s education might not work out so well in the future. I would caution against cutting your nose off to spite your face though - I would take the money but only if your wife agrees that you will stop accepting it if the in-laws try to interfere with your DD’s education. Wouldn’t give a toss about the bragging rights thing, they live far away so you won’t have to listen to them going on about how much they are paying on the regular.

PlacidPenelope · 31/07/2023 18:43

Muckysmucky · 31/07/2023 17:43

I think some of the problem is that you have been only too happy to have a huge amount of financial help from her side of the family when it suited you.
If they are so awful and abusive and controlling as well as her having a horrible childhood to the point she is considering going no contact, why were you both so willing to have a whole house in SE London given to you as well as thousands for a wedding?

Lots of families pass on money and we have done the same for our children but (and it’s a big but) we have a great relationship with them. There is no control or demand and they can say yes or no without impact on how we all feel about each other. We haven’t bought power or control over them.

You knew there would be strings and implications that would tie your wife to the family she doesn’t like but you took it because you saw £££.

I don’t think you should accept it but I do slightly think you have made your bed here. Hard to say to them ‘we want our independence to pay for our DD’ when you are living mortgage and rent free in a London property that they gave you.

Also, having a cleaner and using after school club isn’t some bastion of independence and self sufficiency. We don’t all have house keepers and full time nannies. There are many parents on here who both work, have zero help at all and also pay their own rent or mortgage.

Agree. Happy to have the money when it suits, no qualms about being independent and paying your way then were there?

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/07/2023 18:45

I think some of the problem is that you have been only too happy to have a huge amount of financial help from her side of the family when it suited you.

Exactly. A free wedding and a free house in an expensive area. It's a bit late, and verging on hypocritical, to find your backbone now.

DisforDarkChocolate · 31/07/2023 18:49

Not unreasonable at all but you've set a precedent of accepting money for them.

Suggesting saving for university would be a great idea, and perhaps accepting help with the odd big trip if the school has any.

InSpainTheRain · 31/07/2023 18:58

YANBU - but then I think why not accept their kind offer of paying for their GC? My parents (not as wealthy as your inlaws) loved spending money on their GCs, it gave them great pleasure.

I suggest you accept the offer and put the money you would have spent aside for your daughter to go to uni or whatever she wants to do. Or treat the whole family to a big holiday and get enjoyment from travel. That way I think you will all be winners.

10oclock · 31/07/2023 19:05

It doesn’t sound like they want anything in return for it so I’m not sure I would rock the boat to be honest. It sounds like you rarely see them also. What would you gain by turning the money down? So what if they want to tell people they know that they contribute to their grandchild’s school fees, what difference does it really make?

I would accept that your family are in a very fortunate situation and just enjoy life.

Krickley · 31/07/2023 19:08

They sound like they live a very sad materialistic lifestyle. Just throw money at the situation and all is well, or not as it seems. Look if you say something you risk cutting them off. Id accept whatever they are offering you and whatever that is, put away into savings/assets for a rainy day

ThelmaBorden · 31/07/2023 19:11

Whatevs99 · 31/07/2023 18:02

AI must have written the OP. It is the weirdest sentence structure I have ever seen and reads as being totally false….

yes! stilted syntax, plus sounds faintly familiar,

MutantTurtles · 31/07/2023 19:11

Whatevs99 · 31/07/2023 18:02

AI must have written the OP. It is the weirdest sentence structure I have ever seen and reads as being totally false….

AI certainly usually overuses punctuation
We joke about it at work

MutantTurtles · 31/07/2023 19:14

I am fascinated which independent performing arts boarding school?

JudgeRudy · 31/07/2023 19:22

You'd onto sound unreasonable at all. It very much sounds like the gifts come with strings. Whilst not explicitly spelt out,there's a certain amount of cohesive control.
Your wife will find this very hard so in your position I'd feel inclined to shoulder the blame. This isn't just about your pride and dignity, you're actually helping your wife to become a confident competent independent individual. It won't happen overnight but she will grow and become braver and more assertive. This doesn't need to end at no contact. This will only happen if her parents make it happen by their unreasonable interference and expectations.

MuggleMe · 31/07/2023 19:26

Couldn't you just put the money in savings for your daughter. Be nice to buy her a house when she's older like you got.

RoseAndRose · 31/07/2023 19:28

Do be aware that certain regular gifts to DC/DGC - such as the payment of school fees - is treated differently for tax. (Just gifts is a 3£k per year limit)

As they are clearly exceptionally wealthy, do bear in mind that they may have taken advice on inheritance planning. And they are trying to make their money go as far as possible.

If they paid the school fees, what could you do with the money that you would otherwise have spent on them?

FunkyBuddha85 · 31/07/2023 19:48

I know plenty of people in these situations I went to private boarding school and most of my friends who are homeowners were gifted houses from their parents/grandparents.
Harsh as it sounds, if your wife didn't have such an abundance of funds available to her she probably wouldn't have married someone working class. You have both benefited massively.
I would accept the school fees. You never know what's down the line.

Badbudgeter · 31/07/2023 19:53

Meh take the money invest it for your daughter and she can have a lovely house too

electriclight · 31/07/2023 19:56

I think you've left it a bit late to be pompous about self sufficiency. Just take it like you took the last lot, and the lot before that, and do something else with the money you're saving on fees.

Original poster
DanSS · 31/07/2023 20:07

@Whatevs99 No not AI, I'm not sure whether I should take that as a compliment or not though?

OP posts:
Original poster
DanSS · 31/07/2023 20:08

@MutantTurtles My wife went to Tring Park - a performing arts school in Hertfordshire I believe.

OP posts:
Trianglesandcircles1 · 31/07/2023 20:40

"However I know if I ask my wife to tell them no she will get anxious and scared about doing it, they have very volatile personalities and can be cruel with words, especially towards my wife when something doesn't go there way."

Your first priority is to protect your wife. You have to talk to her parents about this issue, and tell your wife NOT to talk to them as you will handle it.
Make sure she has as little contact with them as possible, and only sees them when you are also present to defend her. Encourage her not to have text exchanges and to only take phone calls from them when you are present and if she puts them on speaker for you to join in the conversation.

I second that you would both benefit from couples counselling and from her having personal counselling.

You can only take more money from PIL if you have the backbone to stand up to them - in other words, you can take the money providing no strings are attached, and make damn sure they don't try to later attach strings or interfere or put pressure on DD.

Also, be prepared to continue the school fees if they withdraw and DD is part way through - save up for this possibility so her schooling is not disrupted.

CocoC · 31/07/2023 20:53

You definitely need to step in here and speak to the in-laws yourself (not via your wife) and tell them that you want to pay for this.
If as I suspect you are not British, you can use this to your advantage : go man to man with FIL, tell him you want to provide for your family etc. But however you do it, step in, your wife won’t have the strength to and they won’t dare to push back on you as much as they will to their daughter.
If they pay for the school they will want to choose the school / have a say in what she does there etc.
Ask them to put the money in ISAs or some sort of savings account that can be a deposit for her first flat - that will be invaluable when she grows up.

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/07/2023 21:00

If as I suspect you are not British @CocoC He wrote in his opening post that he's from the North East.

10oclock · 31/07/2023 21:04

Trianglesandcircles1 · 31/07/2023 20:40

"However I know if I ask my wife to tell them no she will get anxious and scared about doing it, they have very volatile personalities and can be cruel with words, especially towards my wife when something doesn't go there way."

Your first priority is to protect your wife. You have to talk to her parents about this issue, and tell your wife NOT to talk to them as you will handle it.
Make sure she has as little contact with them as possible, and only sees them when you are also present to defend her. Encourage her not to have text exchanges and to only take phone calls from them when you are present and if she puts them on speaker for you to join in the conversation.

I second that you would both benefit from couples counselling and from her having personal counselling.

You can only take more money from PIL if you have the backbone to stand up to them - in other words, you can take the money providing no strings are attached, and make damn sure they don't try to later attach strings or interfere or put pressure on DD.

Also, be prepared to continue the school fees if they withdraw and DD is part way through - save up for this possibility so her schooling is not disrupted.

This is SO controlling. OP please do not take this advice.

Trianglesandcircles1 · 31/07/2023 21:07

I didn't intend it to be controlling - but I can see your point.

In the OP's post I didn't get the impression that standing up for his wife was high on his radar.

CocoC · 31/07/2023 21:15

HundredMilesAnHour · 31/07/2023 21:00

If as I suspect you are not British @CocoC He wrote in his opening post that he's from the North East.

@HundredMilesAnHour , I know, but there is something foreign in the speech pattern and turn of phrase. I am hypothesizing (perhaps wrongly) that there is a foreign connection for either him or his wife and that in-laws may be abroad.