Birthday Party payment

[AccountantMum]

If you had been invited to an (adult) family members birthday party by their partner with the following invitation:

"Would you like to come to xxx's Birthday party it's on XXX kids are welcome to come too"

We confirmed we would like to come and thanked for the invitation.

When they came to pay for the birthday party 2 weeks later would you expect to be asked to pay for your portion of the party and food? It's for an activity which will be pay per person not big hall (similar to a children's birthday party)

This has happened and I am surprised, it's enough money to have made me think twice about originally accepting the invite but am still happy to go now we have made plans as it's not local.

Maybe because i'm used to children's birthday parties which I would never ask my children's friends to pay for themselves after inviting them.

No

No.

If that is the arrangement they were after, they needed to say
"We're thinking of going to X for Jane's birthday. It is £25per head and is at {address}. We are thinking of booking for Sat 19th at 2pm. Have a think and can you let us know tomorrow if you want us to get you tickets".

The wording you had implies they are hosting / paying.

It depends if it’s a big birthday and what the activity is.

The etiquette is always that the host pays for a party. So unless it was explicit - “going to X for Joe’s birthday - cost will be £25 per child - would you like to come?”, then the assumption would be that the host pays. Poor form. (And yes, I know not everyone is rolling in money, but then you host within your means. And some of the best parties my kids have been to have been sandwiches and party games at someone’s house, so it doesn’t need to be a huge expense.)

No. And agree with pp, if there were any costs they should be made clear at time of invite (at which point I'd decline).

Perfectly normal for adults to pay for themselves when they go out with other adults - even if it has been arranged as a get together to celebrate someone's birthday. I'm not one for saying an adult can't go and celebrate their birthday with friends, or in this case family, unless they are extremely wealthy, the issue is that you are clear from the outset.

No. If you're taking people for food / hostinga party that includes food, you pay for it or tell people up front that they need to contribute.

I suspect they waited to see how many people were attending beore getting the calculator out. Just say no because you weren't awar that there was a cost involved.

Yes ,adults have parties like paintball if where everyone pays for themselves. They used the wording would you like to come too, not you are invited.

This. It should have been stated when you got the invite.

Really depends. In general its not that common for an adult to pay for other adults to do an activity for their birthday, I would always assume you were paying for yourself.

I think if this is the second time it's happened in your family, maybe this is just how it works there.

With a wider circle - friends etc - I would assume it's paid for unless the cost is mentioned in the invitation. But families can have their own conventions.

If it was a kid’s party I wouldn’t expect to pay, I would as a group of adults doing an activity. I don’t think the way you were asked necessarily suggested they were paying. I wouldn’t have assumed.

it really depends on the exact wording of the invite and what the activity is.

I wouldn’t expect to pay, no.

A party? Host pays.

Invited to a meal out/activity to celebrate an adult’s birthday? I’d expect to pay, but wouldn’t be impressed if that wasn’t made clear when I was being invited.

Exactly right.

If its not worded like PP said then I would be dropping out, seems really cheeky.

As others have said, you make this clear at time of invite.

"Would you like to come to xxx's Birthday party it's on XXX kids are welcome to come too"

With that wording I wouldn't expect to pay.

I would agree with the majority. If you are "invited to a party" then you don't expect to be paying for food or drink. or other activity.

If the invite says "we are going abseiling for Brian's birthday and then the pub afterwards, do you want to come along?" then I would assume I would be paying my way in the pub and probably paying for my share or making a contribution to the group cost of an activity.

Not sure if I would bail out now - would have to depend on how much they wee asking for and whether I could afford it.

Yep costs should have been mentioned to begin with.

Depending on cost / who it is / how much I wanted to do activity I'd probably drop out or maybe just go alone and leave kids at DH at home?

I think it is more normal to pay as adults, however in your situation I would have expected to be told at the time of invitation that this was the case and how much it was going to be.

Was it worded as "would you like to come to Xs bday party?"
Or
"Would you like to come to paint balling for Xs bday?"
If the latter I would be prepared to pay for myself but hope to be pleasantly surprised when I turned up and the host had already paid

I wouldn't expect to pay unless it's stated at the outset. The exception is dinner in a restaurant

This, exactly. If it was phrased specifically as a 'party' then then I would expect a meal, drinks etc and the usual implication is host pays for that (although if invited out for a birthday meal at a restaurant/bar I would expect to pay for myself and maybe even cover the birthday person as well, and be pleasantly surprised if host paid, I know others on MN violently disagree).

But if the invite specified an obviously activity-based venue e.g. paintballing, outdoor/sporting activity, spa etc then I wouldn't have really thought it was solely going to be a 'party' ie guests just sitting around with balloons and champagne etc, and it would at least have made me consider it might be pay your own way, I have very rarely had a friend or family member pay for these kinds of activities for me even if they've technically invited me to celebrate some kind of occasion, unless it's something where you have to pay for the whole group at once e.g. charter boat hire or something. I think as per the above, if the message was 'would you like to come to Jane's birthday party, it's at Patsys Perfect Pottery Making/Gino's Gorgeous Go Karts/Lucy's Lovely Llama Walking on the 1st' I probably would have wondered if host was really paying for whole thing (if they were loaded or known v generous or a big birthday then maybe) but concluded we'd probably pay for our own pottery class/go kart session/llama walk and then had some kind of food/drinks laid on by the host after as the 'party' element, and so would have messaged back to say yes please and/or ask about the costs of the activity if I thought it was going to be an issue. Particularly the case if we've often gone pottery making/go-karting/llama walking as a group or individually before so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for us to pay to do the activity ourselves, IFYSIM

On the other hand, sorry to add extra confusion, if it was a very expensive/niche activity, I don't know, polo with Prince William or diamond carving or something that would make me more likely to think host probably paying (as who would expect 'ordinary' people to shell out for that for your birthday) but also more likely to check in case of getting into trouble!

Is it a particularly expensive activity OP or just not what you would have chosen?