Should I break no contact for my son's benefit

[whatdoisay1]

I have been No contact with my mum for almost 3 years now. She was an absolute vile woman while I was growing up. Emotionally abusive, neglectful ( eg I'd use socks instead of Tampax because she refused to buy them for me) She has always hated me.. from 7 years old she would regularly tell me she wished she had an abortion. I have no idea why, as far as I know she was brought by parents who spoiled her.
I had my son when I was 20, completely alone with no dad in the picture. Not to blow my own whistle but I have done a good job and have loved everything about being a mother. I've worked my arse of to provide the life for my son that I could only of dreamed of. My mum did seem to have a change of heart when my son was born, she still acted very off with me (eg she'd get extremely jealous of my achievements) and make sly remarks. I let it go so my son could have a grandmother. It meant a lot to me because he hasn't got a dad or dads side of family around.
3 years ago I was contacted by the police. I was raped and beat up as a teenager by a man not related to me. Long story short the police reopened my case. This pissed my mum of no end. I don't think she liked the idea that by reading some of the old paperwork from when the rape happened (over 25 years ago) it would become very apparent to my husband what a shitty mother she'd been. Once she knew my husband had read the notes made by the police when I was a teenager she became very defensive (I don't care if he reads it and thinks bad of me!) she's always been obsessed with my husband not thinking bad of her.
Anyway we got into an argument over the phone and she told me she didn't believe the rape had happened and thought i was making it up. I haven't spoken to her since.
My son is 22 now and when I stopped talking to my mum I explained to him that I didn't expect him to also break contact. He is an adult. In the 3 years that I have broke contact she has sent me a few abusive messages, I haven't responded once. She has sent birthday and Christmas presents and cards to my son. Always by post, we live on the same road!!
My son has contacted her maybe once every 3 months asking if he can go and see her or treat her to a birthday meal, she accepts then cancels last minute. I can see how much this is hurting him. He's literally being ghosted by his own grandmother. It's breaking my heart to witness.
My question is, should I contact her?
And just say if you plan on not seeing your grandson again then to tell me, so I can explain to him to stop trying. And also to stop with all the fake birthday/Christmas cards.
The idea of my son being continuously rejected kills me. I need advice on how to deal with this in a way that will have the least impact on him.
Thank you for reading.

No, don’t contact her. That’s what she wants.

Your son is an adult. Have an adult conversation with him about how nasty she has been to you and tell him that she’s unlikely to ever change. She’s upsetting you by treating him poorly.

Then you have to let him decide how to handle it for himself.

Well done for making a good life for yourself despite your horrible mother.

And just say if you plan on not seeing your grandson again then to tell me, so I can explain to him to stop trying.

I agree with pp, don’t contact her, it’s what she wants. Explain to your son she’s toxic and how she abused you, you don’t need her to tell you she doesn’t plan to see him, her actions say that already. And it’s good she doesn’t sink her toxic tentacles into him.

And also to stop with all the fake birthday/Christmas cards.

Return the cards and to sender with ‘not living here’ written on them.

I agree with previous poster. That’s what she wants. Do not contact her.

perhaps, now though is the time to be honest with your son. So he knows who and what she is. Then allow him to make his own informed decisions.

She sounds narcissistic but she might have learned her lesson by now as far as she’s able to

No, she’ll attempt to ruin his life too. What a fucking monster she is.

Oh I thought you meant contact her as in restart your own relationship

No. Work with your son, instead.

I let it go so my son could have a grandmother. It meant a lot to me because he hasn't got a dad or dads side of family around.

I feel endlessly guilty that my son doesn't have contact with my in-laws because he doesn't have any relations on my side. Sometimes, the only reason that I haven't given in is that once he knows them and understands who they are and that they are supposed to love him; it'll be much harder to stop contact again, even if they're damaging him. Your son will need help to process who she is, and that her behaviour isn't a reflection of him, or a rejection of him. He might need some therapy sessions. He'll get there, and you tried to do what you thought was right at the time, but he doesn't have all the grown-up understanding and history that you do.

Ignore her; work with him to lessen his need to contact her, and constantly opening himself up to being rejected again. And I'd intercept the cards, at this point, too.

It's a trap.
She wants you to contact her and I think you know deep down that she won't change her behaviour on your say so or tell you what she's really thinking.
What would you advise your son if a friend or romantic partner was acting this way? You wouldn't encourage him to continue chasing them when they are happy to shame him. She clearly doesn't want a relationship with him but likes to drip her poisonous reminder that she's around on his significant days. Does he drop off birthday and Christmas cards at her house? Maybe that's all she really wants from him? If she's embarrassed about your h knowing the truth, maybe she feels the same about your son?
We don't pick our families. We can't change their behaviour either. But we can protect ourselves by choosing whether or not to make ourselves available as a target. It is completely understandable why you don't speak to her and well done for protecting your son from her venom. He is an innocent and you ended the cycle of abuse by shielding him from her. while I sympathise with his curiousity, it's heart breaking that he is being treated like this.

I would say dont contact her.
He is an adult and like you did will make the decision not to continue contact if and when he is ready.

All you can do is listen if he wants to speak to you about it. You were strong enough to give him the choice stick with that.

I had a selfish manipulative mother (though no where as bad as yours) and I know how much this hurts.

I don’t think you should contact your mother, but I think you need to have a heart to heart with your son.

This woman has caused immense pain to you. My first thought is to double check how much this is affecting him. Is it possible at all that there is a bit of projecting going on? Because her rejections of you (and your son) still hurt you so much, it is possible that he isn’t as affected quite as much as you imagine?

wether this is the case or not, it’s still worth having a chat with him. Does he know everything she has done to you? He’s old enough to know the truth, or an edited version of it.

Perhaps reframe the situation, and try to work out why she keeps cancelling. Perhaps she thinks your son wants to hold her accountable, or by cancelling she’s trying to hurt you not him? Try to explain to him that her actions are about her and not him.

Youve gone no contact for a reason, this maybe the only way she knows how to have some control back.

These horrible "mothers" do not change. They are poisonous through and through. Yours is quite happy to use her grandchild to hurt you. How horrible. If she finds out that it's working, do you really think she'll stop? No, she will only double down.

I think to best protect your son, you need to have a reasonably honest conversation with him about your mother's behaviour throughout your life. Obviously there will be some things that you feel are too private, but if my own story is anything to go by, there will be plenty of examples of atrocious parenting on her behalf.

Why do you think your son is trying to have a relationship with his awful grandmother? Is he perhaps stuck in fear, obligation and guilt? Or does he believe at heart she is a nice kind person who for some reason is only horrible to you? Does he think her behaviour is normal/acceptable? One way or another he needs some clarity. Perhaps seeing a professional counsellor might be an idea, or he might Instagram accounts helpful as they are "bite-sized", some I follow are patrickteahantherapy, understandingthenarc, gottmaninstitute, the.holistic.psychologist, scapegoatchildrecovery

Your son may be an adult but this is big stuff. At over 50, I've only realised in the last couple of years how much trauma there is in my past and am dealing with it through therapy, podcasts, books, Instagram and the Stately Homes thread on MN (have a look). At 22 it's a huge thing to try to process, it's very hard to believe there are such horrible people in the world, and that you are related to one of them!

Thankyou for your responses.

To Answer some of your questions.. When he has brought her birthday and Christmas cards over the last 3 years. He has text her and asked can he go round. She then doesn't let him get any further than the porch and sends him away. He booked a table at a restaurant and offered to buy her dinner last year on her birthday and she then sent a cancellation text as he was sat there waiting.
I'm finding this so hard to deal with. I was in tears yesterday because she blanked him again. I remember telling him when he was very small that even though he didn't have a daddy around he had a mummy and a nan who would love him forever. I even made a little book about this little boy and his loving mum and nanny. Why!!!
I knew who she really was and I feel so guilty that I allowed her into his life at all.
I know these are pointless feelings but it just kills me that he is going to have to accept that the nan he thought has loved him his entire life has now cut him out like he means nothing.I know everyone thinks the child is the best but he really is a beauty of a son who I'm so proud of.
I can't believe she'd do this to him.

It could be that it’s too painful for her to have your son round while you’re no contact. Or maybe she feels he will be on your side

She is damaged and dangerous, don't contact her, it will give her pleasure to see the pain she's caused you. She cant be fixed. Your son is old enough to understand that, and to also understand that she will use any re- established relationship to drive a wedge between you and him. She needs to be permanently fenced off.

Just support your son. He’s an adult and old enough to hear that unfortunately his grandmother is a deeply damaged person and her behaviour is not personal to him but equally he can choose to stop trying to change her or the situation.

I can’t see any other way forward if you both want to live free of her toxicity.

When I first went no contact he told her that he wasn't comfortable with her slagging his mum off and vice versa with me. I also think that because I've gone completely no contact (won't get drawn into arguments over text or respond when she's tried to get to me through family members) she is using my son as a way to hurt me so I'll drop the no contact.
That is not going to happen, there's no going back on this for me. I really never wish to see her again.
I thought maybe if I explained this to her she could stop ignoring her grandson as a way to punish me.

She's doing it because it hurts you. Telling her it's hurting him (which naturally means it hurts you) is telling her that it's working. So she'll keep on doing it. And she'll also have the pleasure of informing you that it's all in your head/you've made it up for attention/etc - so another reward for continuing to do it; maybe even mixing things up a bit by seeing him once or twice and then casting him aside or convincing him that you've made this all up to separate them.

Not reacting to this is the right thing to do.

Also just to add I have a brother (he is 25 and has learning difficulties, he will probably always rely on my mum) She isn't the same way with him as she is with me.
Throughout no contact I have met with my brother once a month (me my husband and son) normally take him out for a Indian.
I would like that to always be the case. It's important that relationship is mantained.
It was my brother's birthday a few months ago, I made him a cake and got the restaurant to bring it out and we did the whole happy birthday song presents ect.
I just think it's really sad that my mum isn't willing to do that with her grandson anymore, when he is witnessing it still happening with my brother, despite the no contact with her.

He's 22. His relationship with her is nothing to do with you. You can't protect him anymore.

If he's happy being a doormat then that's a lesson he has to learn.

Absolutely not. I would not break contact

Just continue to ignore her and encourage your son to start ignoring her too. She's just looking for a reaction from you - any contact you make with her will just give her a little thrill that her attempts to harm you and your son are working.

Given his age you can't force him to go no contact with her, but he's old enough for you to have an open conversation and explain about the rape etc. and how she was dismissive.

You need to move further away and not give her your new address. If I understand it correctly you live on the same street as her - this is madness and is asking for trouble. No doubt she sees you going about your business from time to time and this gives her a little thrill too.

It’s so sad the damage that happens just because someone can’t admit they were wrong

I moved 100 miles away from her years and years ago. She followed me! I agree we will have to move again. It's shit though because I love the house I live in and it's very convenient for my job. I have no clue why a woman who hates me so much followed me 100 miles across the country to act like this.
I definitely don't want my son knowing about the rape. That doesn't feel right but I think I definitely need to have a honest conversation with him.
Thanks again for all advice in your responses.

He is old enough to learn some people are arsoles including family .

Does he know why you went n/c.. to be honest I think you put up with it far too long . You modelled how it is ok to be treated badly .
Your Ds has made it clear he doesn’t want to hear the reality .. but it isn’t your problem to resolve

I got bugger all out of maintained contact with my mum's parents.

Wait, no. I learned that some people will flog dead horse relationships to nobody's benefit.