Should I break no contact for my son's benefit

[whatdoisay1]

I have been No contact with my mum for almost 3 years now. She was an absolute vile woman while I was growing up. Emotionally abusive, neglectful ( eg I'd use socks instead of Tampax because she refused to buy them for me) She has always hated me.. from 7 years old she would regularly tell me she wished she had an abortion. I have no idea why, as far as I know she was brought by parents who spoiled her.
I had my son when I was 20, completely alone with no dad in the picture. Not to blow my own whistle but I have done a good job and have loved everything about being a mother. I've worked my arse of to provide the life for my son that I could only of dreamed of. My mum did seem to have a change of heart when my son was born, she still acted very off with me (eg she'd get extremely jealous of my achievements) and make sly remarks. I let it go so my son could have a grandmother. It meant a lot to me because he hasn't got a dad or dads side of family around.
3 years ago I was contacted by the police. I was raped and beat up as a teenager by a man not related to me. Long story short the police reopened my case. This pissed my mum of no end. I don't think she liked the idea that by reading some of the old paperwork from when the rape happened (over 25 years ago) it would become very apparent to my husband what a shitty mother she'd been. Once she knew my husband had read the notes made by the police when I was a teenager she became very defensive (I don't care if he reads it and thinks bad of me!) she's always been obsessed with my husband not thinking bad of her.
Anyway we got into an argument over the phone and she told me she didn't believe the rape had happened and thought i was making it up. I haven't spoken to her since.
My son is 22 now and when I stopped talking to my mum I explained to him that I didn't expect him to also break contact. He is an adult. In the 3 years that I have broke contact she has sent me a few abusive messages, I haven't responded once. She has sent birthday and Christmas presents and cards to my son. Always by post, we live on the same road!!
My son has contacted her maybe once every 3 months asking if he can go and see her or treat her to a birthday meal, she accepts then cancels last minute. I can see how much this is hurting him. He's literally being ghosted by his own grandmother. It's breaking my heart to witness.
My question is, should I contact her?
And just say if you plan on not seeing your grandson again then to tell me, so I can explain to him to stop trying. And also to stop with all the fake birthday/Christmas cards.
The idea of my son being continuously rejected kills me. I need advice on how to deal with this in a way that will have the least impact on him.
Thank you for reading.

think you put up with it far too long . You modelled how it is ok to be treated badly .
@Starlightstarbright2

Yes I definitely put up with it for to long. Therapy is helping me understand why. I know that choice also meant that I inflicted pain on to my son. I genuinely believed I was doing the right thing. I understood when my son was born that I didn't have a mother that loved me but didn't even comprehend that it was possible to not love my beautiful child. That choice means that I now feel completely responsible for the fallout that my son is dealing with, so of course I want to help him fix it in any way possible, it's awful.

Absolutely do not contact her. The moment you do she will see a crack in how to cause further hurt to you but it will be your son who will be caught in the cross-fire. Right now he is being let down and experiencing rejection from family which is painful but with your support he will come to accept that their relationship is not what he thought. If you give her the in though she could be become more manipulative and really damage your relationship and his outlook. Best to keep it as it is even though that is painful.

I'm sorry you experienced this. From your perspective do you think your parents should have just been honest about your grandparents. From reading the responses on here I'm thinking that's what I'm going to have to do with my son.

Yes I agree. If he was 10 then maybe get involved but he's a grown up now.

Well done for breaking this cycle and giving your son such a wonderful life you are very inspiring to me, single mum to baby boy x

You are really doing all that you can. Your mothers behaviour isn't and never has been in your power. She is making her choices. All you can do is comfort your son x

I wouldn't move house either as you want to be close to little brother

No, don't resume contact with her. But have conversations with your son around why you have chosen to do this and also let him know that this is no reflection on him, if he wants to stay in contact with her then thats fine, and its also fine if he gets fed up of being rejected and decides to stop contacting her as well.

He is an adult, and yes it is hard to be rejected like that by your own nan, but he has to see how it is and make his own decisions about what he wants to do in future.

It is lovely that he went to the trouble of wanting to take her out for a birthday meal. That is very sweet of him and sad it ended how it did.

Please don't expose your son to hurt and nastiness when you have done such a good job providing a life and love that you didn't get. Your son is old enough now to have a completely frank conversation. Your mother is showing no sign of remorse or change, stay well away. Wishing you and your son the best.

Again, don't break NC. I would have a chat with your son though, but you do not need to tell him details if you don't want to. Say you know he doesn't like you and/or your mum slagging the other off but that this kind of behaviour from your mum is what led to you going NC in the first place. You were in contact with her when he was younger because she wasn't behaving that way towards him and you wanted him to have that relationship if possible. Then he became old enough to facilitate his own relationship so you went NC again. Explain that the way she is treating him isn't ok and you understand he loves her, you love her too. But loving someone doesn't mean letting them treat you badly. Maybe try get him some independent counselling or someone else to talk to.

Thank you everyone, I am going to take your advice and not contact her. I'm so angry that she is using such a spiteful way to hurt me but I guess this is all she has left to get to me. In the long run it's herself she is hurting, she already lives a pathetic existence but that's on her.

He needs to understand she’s a witch, not have contact facilitated.

This is on her. And he’s an adult. He needs to learn.