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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I going mad?

66 replies

TootanCamin · 31/07/2023 01:19

So my partner and I have a up and down relationship but generally it’s good. We’ll often watch tv until my partner falls asleep where they’ll stay on the couch and come to bed later. I snore so it’s understandable sometimes. Not always but sometimes.

Now, they said to me the other night about being left downstairs and that they don’t like being left on their own. So sometimes I’ll wake them up and they’ll follow me to bed.

So this evening, they woke up on the couch on their own as I was heading to bed and they were all lovely and sleepy. And said they’ll follow me up. I got up stairs and it looked like their wasn’t a sheet on the bed. So, I proceeded to put a sheet on the bed. Not really happy about it but it is what it is. I then start getting ar**y texts from my partner why I was making noise. So I explain about having to put the bed sheet on and they were acting confused because they thought omit didn’t need one. Eventually sending me a thumbs of indifference 👍 and a short sharp goodnight - no nicety’s etc

Completely bewildered as a few minutes earlier we were cuddling on the couch and being generally affectionate. I went downstairs because I was completely sideswiped and got an absolutely mouthful calling me a selfish *** for waking them up putting a sheet on the bed. (FYI - My snoring does wake them sometimes, so I sleep in the spare room occasionally.)

AIBU for feeling upset and completely f**ked off?

OP posts:

Womencanlift · 31/07/2023 07:59

TootanCamin · 31/07/2023 06:47

Is it just me that thinks the 👍 is passive aggressive?

Yeah. Has always meant ok where I am from

VeggieStraws · 31/07/2023 08:00

I always laughed at that example of old person thinking lol means lots of love and inappropriately replying lol to texts conveying bad news or eg. your grandpa is in hospital lol. But now I am that old person, sending the thumbs up to my kids and no doubt coming across as unintentionally bitchy.

I don't understand the sheet thing at all; if there is no sheet on the bed you have to put one on. How much noise can it make?? Unless you huffed around and slammed cupboard doors getting a clean sheet out? Were you annoyed it had been left undone?

Original poster

TootanCamin · 31/07/2023 08:04

This also made me snort laugh 🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

TootanCamin · 31/07/2023 08:12

Not really, bit of annoyance standard sheet fitting stuff. I understand if you’ve drifted off and being woken up can be annoying. But sheets need to be put on.

OP posts:

tuvamoodyson · 31/07/2023 08:29

pictoosh · 31/07/2023 06:54

No it' not you, people are being obtuse. Everyone knows the thumbs up pass agg inference.

Is your partner difficult and demanding in other ways because that's what this is; difficult and demanding. They are an adult and bedtime is their own responsibility. Of course you can put a sheet on if it's needed.

I disagree! It’s used amongst all my friends etc as an agreement…’ok!’ Not passive aggressive in any way, in my opinion…

BewareBends · 31/07/2023 08:34

How old is your partner? I think it’s quite odd that a healthy person who is not very old is regularly falling asleep watching tv — or is it that your snoring is affecting her sleep badly?

Original poster

TootanCamin · 31/07/2023 08:41

Oh this is 12 or later, usually after an early start

OP posts:

yellowsmileyface · 31/07/2023 08:43

A thumbs up emoji can signify either agreement or passive aggression. It's really not that complicated.

A person could say "thanks a lot!" and it could signify gratitude or passive aggression.

Context is key, and in this context it absolutely sounds like OP's partner was being passive aggressive.

They also sound quite needy and controlling.

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/07/2023 08:55

Nope, millennial here and my friends and I all see 👍🏻as passive aggressive

PaperDoves · 31/07/2023 08:57

OP, I'm ashamed to admit I can sometimes be a raging bitch when I've been woken up. She needs to apologise.

How are things this morning?

BabylonianChild · 31/07/2023 09:01

Nope. Thumbs up is simply ok to me.

Smidge001 · 31/07/2023 09:11

Just adding another vote for thumbs up meaning just that! Everyone I know uses it as a positive indication of 'that's great', 'well done', or 'cool, sounds good' etc.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 31/07/2023 09:15

On the thumb up thing, it can be passive aggressive or sarcastic depending on context, just like anything else can be.

On the sheet thing, unless you were deliberately banging and moaning and sighing because you were annoyed you had to do it(which IS passive aggressive),then there's no need to have a go at you. The sheet needed putting on , sometimes that involves some noise. However, it's a bit odd that there was so much noise that not only it traveled downstairs, but it woke her from her sleep.

rainbowstardrops · 31/07/2023 10:24

I have genuinely never heard that the thumbs up is passive aggressive. It's not in my world anyway!
OP, your partner shouldn't have had a go at you but I can be a right grumpy mare when I've been woken up. Half the time, I can't even properly remember what I've said by the morning. Doesn't excuse the behaviour though.
Maybe she needs to start acting like an adult and getting herself upstairs?

tuvamoodyson · 31/07/2023 16:42

HeadacheEarthquake · 31/07/2023 08:55

Nope, millennial here and my friends and I all see 👍🏻as passive aggressive

Nope, all my friends see it as ‘ok!’

ManateeFair · 31/07/2023 17:24

JFC, can people stop going on about the fucking thumbs-up emoji? It's one tiny detail of the thread FFS.

OP, I think it was really weird of your partner to text you asking you why you were 'making a noise' by putting a sheet on the bed and also really weird of her to suggest the bed didn't need a sheet? I mean, of course it needs a sheet!

When you went downstairs again to ask her what was the matter, if you did that in a stroppy, arsey way like 'What is going on? Why are you sending me pass-agg texts FFS?' then I can see how things escalated (although she was still in the wrong at the start).

But if you went down and said 'Hey, is everything all right? I was just making the bed as there weren't any sheets on it and I didn't think we'd want to sleep on a bare mattress' and then got a mouthful of abuse from her then she sounds nuts, frankly.

I actually think the whole arrangement of falling asleep on the couch, then whining that she doesn't like to be left downstairs on her own, etc etc is all pretty weird and sounds quite dysfunctional. Also I think you're probably underplaying the 'up and down' element of your relationship. If it mostly ups, then you wouldn't have mentioned it. There's something weird here.

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