Should he tell me about time with his Ex?

[Rosieviolet56]

I have been in a relationship with my DP for 10 months. He has 2 children (6s, 8d) amicably co-parented 50:50.

I get the impression they are spending time together as a family for days out but he is omitting to tell me his ex is there. So he’ll be open about going to a place but not that it was arranged with his ex. We don’t live together.

I have to admit I’ve struggled in the past with the ex in our life and how friendly they are. It has caused upset but I get it’s for the sake of the kids and I don’t think they are having an affair. I think he is wary of causing an argument with me but wants to keep his kids happy and they want to spend time all together.

Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to just tell me what he’s doing? I don’t feel I should have to ask ‘was your ex there’? Or should I just leave what he does with his kids/ex up to him and not worry about it?

Seems like he wants to be with ex and kids and be a family. That's the only reason he isn't telling you. Or he's serious about you then of course he tells you as you and kids are his family now.

YABU, he does not need to tell you anything. He and his ex are putting their children first, as they should. It's called being a good parent. You need to sort your insecurities out, you do not own or control him.

Ohhhh my! I’m in an identical situation however I’m now another child’s mother of his!!!

you know what I could and would’ve got on completely with their co parenting until I was 7 months in to being a mum and the ex invited him out with their son without me. I cried for weeks No joke. I was having therapy at the time and I cried for 3 sessions solid about it. He didn’t care he just seen it as something for his son.

then football training an games came into it… they spend 1 week day and every Sunday If a game is on together again I haven’t always been able to attend due to weather etc.

this year a football presentation happened and he basically didn’t make it possible for me to go with him and his ex and their son. I was more angry this time but I shared it with him again and he said I should have more self confidence.. I need to ask what he meant by that one day because I don’t know how I was supposed to. I don’t want them socialising together or out like that without me and never will. Their son sees enough of their good co parenting at football and at home so there’s just no need.

i don’t think my partner or his ex are interested romantically at all or even connected on anything but their son but something will never allow me to feel comfortable or like or even agree to them being out socially it’s hard enough knowing they go football together twice a week.

sorry I waffled, my advice to you is set boundaries stick to them always.
make yourself heard and demand respect where you can.

there’s 0 wrong with co parenting the right way but everyone needs to know their place and be in it and be happy including you as the girlfriend.

you need to be happy.

If you struggle with people healthily cooarenting with an ex you need to date someone without children.

It's only been 10 months. Nobody is family after less than a year!

@mummy21blueeyed your partners relationship with his son and ex is separate to yours and your baby's.

Maybe his son doesn't want you around all the time? Ever think maybe the child deserves time with just his parents together? That maybe it's about him and not you?

@AngelAurora I don’t want to control him, I just feel uncomfortable that he isn’t open about what he’s doing. Why not say, we are having a family day a couple of times a month?

@TheWayoftheLeaf I don’t care he doesn’t need time with just the both of them on his own at social events. He sees them be healthy when my partner collects him and drops him off he sees them be healthy when they go training and the games together he sees them be healthy when he hears them communicate via face to face and the phone calls. He hears them be healthy when he gets what he wants. He also has it good with them both. He sees them together enough without me for it to stop at social events that’s not happening and I’ll be honest if it does again I’ll take my child and walk block him out for as long as I can cause I am nkt getting hurt again.

explain to me how it’s different when I’m his girlfriend of almost 4 years and have a child with him too? I should come above his ex and his children should come first.

i just don’t feel comfortable with it but I think we spent the first 2 years just doing collection and drop offs and then he goes there every Christmas and birthday we also visit and drop food in or ice cream etc and now it’s football every week where my partner is around his ex a lot more than he used to be and that change for me has been hard. I’ll never tolerate social events unless we are all included and that is final. I have a child too wkth him which is their sons sibling.

I am another that does not think you need to know, if you can't handle this you need to meet someone else

Why pick someone with children if you can't handle it?

YABU.
Do you tell him everywhere you go and everything you do?
He shouldn't have to explain anything regarding his children to you, especially when you've not been together very long.
I used to talk to my ex partner everyday via text or calling, he used to give me lifts (with our child) and he used to go to my parents house for a brew. All while I was living with someone else and this someone else never asked what we were talking about or where we were going as it was none of his business.
People can grow apart but still have a good relationship for the sake of their children.

I do stuff with my kids and their dad and I have absolutely zero interest in him romantically. It's fairly common these days I think to coparent more in this way. For us it's necessity really as one ds has additional needs so we kind of need two adults to make any days out run smoother. I don't really see him as my ex more so as my kids dad.

You sound crazy. Why would you need to be included in his sons football presentation? You're not his parent? Maybe he only wanted his own parents there.

@Rainbowx90 @WandaWonder as I mentioned above, it’s not the co-parenting I’m asking about, it’s leaving out the details. I’m very open, I do say what I’m doing and with who, because why wouldn’t I? There’s nothing to hide? Maybe I’m unusual in that respect???

@Hadebough to be honest I know I’m not on the healthiest side of it here but I still don’t care and won’t tolerate it again.

As I’ve said I’ve not gone with on a Christmas morning yet I’ve left it for him to do with them. I don’t go every week to football so he is on his own with them then too. i don’t go to every collection of him or drop off and I leave him and his son to have 1-1 time every single weekend that he has him and go and do my own thing. That’s just a step too far for me. He also wasn’t asked who he wanted there originally we were all going months before when it was booked we all were attending. No I wouldn’t have said he shouldn’t go or what ever cause I couldn’t but I still don’t have to like it. It weirds me out that they want to spend time together in those circumstances. I don’t want them sat with each other all night in that environment thinking about the past. I don’t want them getting even more comfortable than it already is because believe me it’s comfortable which again it’s good for their son but it doesn’t need to stretch to social events.

I have been married for over 20 years I don't tell my husband everything and he doesn't tell me, nothing about hiding anything there is no need, I trust him and have no trust issues - sure we say some things in normal conversation but I don't need to know anything

If you struggle with people healthily coparenting with an ex you need to date someone without children.

Say it louder for the people in the back!

Dating someone with kids for 10 months in no way makes you family, regardless of what a previous poster said! I doubt I would even introduce someone to my kids before the 1-year stage.

You don't even know for sure that he IS spending the day with his ex... you're just speculating at this stage.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want honesty/openness to be a core part of your relationship, but if you've previously gotten upset him having a friendly relationship with his ex (which is the ideal kind of co-parenting relationship for the children!) then you have contributed to, if not outright caused the situation if he is avoiding mentioning the ex.

Maybe there's something that you're not mentioning (like him and the ex being not just friendly but flirty) but if not, this is 100 percent your issue.

You need to sit him down and be honest about your own feelings. Say you know you could be wrong, but you have the feeling that he's spending time with his children's mother on days out, and you would like to know if you're right or wrong. Admit that you've been reactive about the ex in the past due to your own insecurities, and say that you know that's your issue. Despite your past reactions, you've realised it's more important for you (and for the success of the relationship) for you to be honest with each other, so if he can promise you to be open about the times he's spending with his children's mother, you can promise not to make a fuss about it.

@Hadebough he also wouldn’t tolerate it if I had a child with an ex and left him out I’ve had countless people tell me that and everyone I told about the presentation also said they wouldn’t like it. She is my only issue in our relationship
.

i don’t think my partner or his ex are interested romantically at all or even connected on anything but their son but something will never allow me to feel comfortable or like or even agree to them being out socially it’s hard enough knowing they go football together twice a week.

My condolences on your upcoming divorce.

@CheekyHobson I agree that I am potentially causing him to omit some of his plans which is why I am asking the question. I have been very anxious about it but tonight thought, maybe it’s just none of my business so wanted to ask here. I haven’t met his children yet.

It's a relatively new relationship but he should be able to just tell you if he's spending time with children and ex 🤷‍♀️

@CheekyHobson I’m not married 😂🥳, I just don’t see what the importance is of them going out socially. It isn’t important. The child has enough mum and dad time together at football and at home on special occasions plus pick up and drop offs are always nice etc. He goes out enough with them both Individually for it to not be a thing to go out together socially. He doesn’t need extra curricular activities to prove to him even further that he has healthy co parents.

i am dealing with it and healing with it better but I can tell you now it’s been a long time and I still clock watch until I know he’s away from her even though I’ve been around long enough to see there’s no emotional connection there so I should have no problem but I do. I’m left sat with our child his sister enough times on my own to not tolerate this stuff. He shouldn’t of got with me and had another child if this was going to be the way it is at things like social events I can’t really argue about football games they are there to watch and support him playing a sport.

Please note that my original post and question is not related to the situation that @mummy21blueeyed is having a discussion about on this thread

I think the bigger question/s to answer is what you (possibly as a childless person? It's not clear) feel is a reasonable amount of time for your partner to spend with his ex and children without you, and at what point you feel like you should be included in that time.

I don't think a couple of outings a month would be OTT for friendly exes, particularly if it's not places you particularly want to go yourself (watching kids go up and down climbing walls gets old fast). Much more than that would start to feel like overkill to me.

Six months or so on from meeting the kids, I would be expecting to be invited along on at least half of these expeditions.

@TheWayoftheLeaf I hadn't realised there was a time limit on family. However dad can't have kids with mum ina divorce but a day out family while dating someone else that's just horrible for everyone

@Rosieviolet56 im sorry I kind of ran with it! He should tell you just out of respect even if he’s doing nothing wrong. 10 months is a short time and it’s the most important time where your building something strong well what should be so you do need to be honest and ask him and ask him to be honest moving forward. You do need to set boundaries though and make sure you too are happy because he can still put his child first but respect you and your limits.

I’m stubborn in my ways with how I feel in my situation and i apologise for jumping on your thread 🤦🏽‍♀️ I need to work on myself which I am doing slowly and surely!

good luck! I’m sure it’ll be fine and you’ll move forward from this in a positive and healthy way.