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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should he tell me about time with his Ex?

40 replies

Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 01:18

I have been in a relationship with my DP for 10 months. He has 2 children (6s, 8d) amicably co-parented 50:50.

I get the impression they are spending time together as a family for days out but he is omitting to tell me his ex is there. So he’ll be open about going to a place but not that it was arranged with his ex. We don’t live together.

I have to admit I’ve struggled in the past with the ex in our life and how friendly they are. It has caused upset but I get it’s for the sake of the kids and I don’t think they are having an affair. I think he is wary of causing an argument with me but wants to keep his kids happy and they want to spend time all together.

Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to just tell me what he’s doing? I don’t feel I should have to ask ‘was your ex there’? Or should I just leave what he does with his kids/ex up to him and not worry about it?

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 31/07/2023 02:16

Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 01:33

@AngelAurora I don’t want to control him, I just feel uncomfortable that he isn’t open about what he’s doing. Why not say, we are having a family day a couple of times a month?

But how do you react when he is with his ex? You say in your first post that you struggled to deal with him still being friends with her and that it has caused upset. I think he's trying to avoid an argument by simply not mentioning her. If you kick off about her, it's very understandable that he tries to avoid talking about her when he doesn't have to. If you want him to talk about what he does with her, you're going to have to demonstrate that it doesn't kick back against him.

Original poster
Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 02:27

@KrisAkabusi I’ve found it hard as she treated him very badly but he still does a lot for her. Some for the children but a lot for her personally - changing plans on her whim, running around to get things, not because it’s related to the children

OP posts:
AngelAurora · 31/07/2023 02:38

Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 01:33

@AngelAurora I don’t want to control him, I just feel uncomfortable that he isn’t open about what he’s doing. Why not say, we are having a family day a couple of times a month?

You have been together 10 months, he does not to tell you anything.

LordSalem · 31/07/2023 02:46

He probably should tell you, but entering into this situation you pretty much have to accept that there's a world of difference between his life with you and him being a parent. If she's there sometimes, good, they're doing the best by their kids being amicable. They are not a family any more, which is understandably hard for kids to take on and accept. It's probably just not about you. You're not all going to ping into a mum-removed set up with you as the present female. It's probably far more about the kids than any of the adults in this situation. As it should be.

LordSalem · 31/07/2023 02:53

mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 01:29

Ohhhh my! I’m in an identical situation however I’m now another child’s mother of his!!!

you know what I could and would’ve got on completely with their co parenting until I was 7 months in to being a mum and the ex invited him out with their son without me. I cried for weeks No joke. I was having therapy at the time and I cried for 3 sessions solid about it. He didn’t care he just seen it as something for his son.

then football training an games came into it… they spend 1 week day and every Sunday If a game is on together again I haven’t always been able to attend due to weather etc.

this year a football presentation happened and he basically didn’t make it possible for me to go with him and his ex and their son. I was more angry this time but I shared it with him again and he said I should have more self confidence.. I need to ask what he meant by that one day because I don’t know how I was supposed to. I don’t want them socialising together or out like that without me and never will. Their son sees enough of their good co parenting at football and at home so there’s just no need.

i don’t think my partner or his ex are interested romantically at all or even connected on anything but their son but something will never allow me to feel comfortable or like or even agree to them being out socially it’s hard enough knowing they go football together twice a week.

sorry I waffled, my advice to you is set boundaries stick to them always.
make yourself heard and demand respect where you can.

there’s 0 wrong with co parenting the right way but everyone needs to know their place and be in it and be happy including you as the girlfriend.

you need to be happy.

Cried for weeks?! As a mother to a 7 month old because you weren't invited? Bet that really helped your relationship with him and your baby at the time. He's still with you and your child, yes? Accept he has history, accept things are different now but he has additional priorities too. I hope you're a bit less insecure as things have played out further down the line.

hahahahahahahahahah · 31/07/2023 02:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

BlueSurf · 31/07/2023 07:45

@Rosieviolet56 you’ve posted that @mummy21blueeyed posts are not connected to yours but in a way this could be you 4 years down the line, possibly with a child and even more insecurities.

If he’s hiding things from you now it’s only going to get worse. You’re only 10 months into a relationship, should still be in the honeymoon phase, not fraught with insecurities. He will need to spend time with his ex, there will be social events where possibly only 2 guests can attend. Their relationship is centred around their DS and he will always come first.

Original poster
Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 08:03

@BlueSurf - I am not able to have children so there will be no additions to the family. I hope in time we could meet and have a happy life together but maybe I am not right for this situation

OP posts:
Yea2023 · 31/07/2023 08:25

Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 02:27

@KrisAkabusi I’ve found it hard as she treated him very badly but he still does a lot for her. Some for the children but a lot for her personally - changing plans on her whim, running around to get things, not because it’s related to the children

Who told you she treated him badly?

Personally while I think it’s best for the DC I wouldn’t like it, one of the reasons why I was determined not to settle with a man with DC.

You are only 10 months in and the ‘package’ isn’t working for you. There’s nothing wrong with nicely moving along.

mummy21blueeyed · 31/07/2023 10:44

@LordSalem thankfully! With this years event I had a cry once it still hurts me but it didn’t take as long to deal with it this time. It was on my mind every day for a while but it didn’t eat me up like it did the last event . I’d probably say I didn’t cry every day for 3 weeks but I was ruined by it since I heard about it until a day or two after it was done. At the time we lived with my mum and I was having therapy which helped but i still cried on every session for 3 weeks. It consumed me that much.

i do need to grow up and mature and so on around this subject but again i just don’t see the need to go out like that with your ex just because of your child when they perfectly coparent in other healthy ways. My mum and stepdad separated done things for years together for my brother both entered new relationships and as of now all 4 go to any event like a birthday meal etc no one’s left out no one’s disrespected and that’s the way it should be.

I need to come off this thread it’s not mine!

SleepingStandingUp · 31/07/2023 10:52

You haven't said why you think she's there? Do you see how at all on his week?

greenteaandmarshmallows · 31/07/2023 10:56

It's 10 months.

If he's acting like his ex is some sort of dirty secret I'd ditch him.

CheekyHobson · 31/07/2023 11:17

Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 02:27

@KrisAkabusi I’ve found it hard as she treated him very badly but he still does a lot for her. Some for the children but a lot for her personally - changing plans on her whim, running around to get things, not because it’s related to the children

I’m always a bit suspicious of guys who claim to have been treated like crap by their ex yet still can’t seem to say no to them, or run around after them of their own accord.

Original poster
Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 11:19

@SleepingStandingUp I’ve seen some messages pop up on his phone screen about their plans and how they are going to make it a regular thing

OP posts:
Original poster
Rosieviolet56 · 31/07/2023 11:24

@Yea2023 she had a long standing affair with a mutual friend and created a huge mess amongst their group.

OP posts:
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