Kid in playground

[JustBanPlasticAndSubsidiseTheTrainsAlready]

I just need to ask for your experiences.

My kid has just gone 5. He's NT as far as I can tell, but I'm not a professional in the field.

My other kid is 2.5.

They were at a park today, one outside a cafe with tables outside. Parents were outside having a cup of whatever, as were we, and the children were playing in the park immediately adjacent, which consisted of a big wendy house style cabin and things to climb on, rather than swings.

I wandered over to assist youngest climbing into the cabin.

My eldest, after playing near a girl of a similar height, says to her,

"hello, what's your name?"

She says something, and he says, "sorry I didn't hear you"

Youngest then says to her, "what's your name?"

She says, "nothing"

My eldest says, "but what's your name?"

She says "I don't want to tell you".

So what I am asking here, is have you experienced this sort of thing? I ask because it's not the first, or the second time this has happened. At soft plays, there are children who when asked their name by my son, just ignore, or run away.

I expect there are some really shy children about, but I wondered what advice I can give to my eldest as he's starting to take it to heart.

For context this other child was playing happily with a number of other boys a few minutes later.

My son isn't visually different from average in any way: clothes, hair, size, all average.

I'd be grateful for tips to give to him, whether it's "give up at first rebuff" or "plenty more kids in the sea" or whatever. Any thoughts?

Bump

I’d just tell him that not all children he meets will want to make friends 🤷‍♀️.

I wouldn’t worry unless he wasn’t able to make friends at school or clubs he attends regularly.

What I'm teaching mine is that all they can control is how kind, compassionate and friendly they are to others. That some people are rude and unfriendly, some people are shy, some people are going to be your friend and some aren't and it's not a reflection on my kids. As they get older I will introduce more complexity and nuance to it.

I really wouldn't worry about it.

Just say 'oh he/she didn't want to tell you their name' and move on.

If he wants tips it might help to ask 'do you want to play?' or 'can I play?' first before going in with the name question. He could also try introducing himself and then see if the other child will respond with their name.

Lots of kids are shy/funny about their name/non-verbal/speech delayed/have been told not to talk to strangers/just don't feel like it etc.

I’d go with a plenty more kids in the sea response so he doesn’t dwell on it.
It may be a safety thing though. We tell our kids not to tell strangers any details about themselves, hence the concern around personalised names backpacks etc, not sharing school uniform on social media etc. So they may just be hesitant for that reason.
My daughter waltzes up to any Tom, Dick or Harry and says “I’m MiniWaffle, I go to school over there. What’s your name?” So my stranger danger teaching obviously isn’t working anyway!
Maybe suggest something less personal to break the ice, like “I’m 5, how old are you?”

When I was young, due to complex court, restraining orders, stalking from my dad etc.. I was told never to tell a stranger my name, age or address and just to say nothing. I wonder if this kid took the 'just say nothing' a bit too literally! My kids usually tell others their names etc.. but I know one it two parents that are cautious and teach their children not to talk to strangers, even other kids! Maybe it's something like that happening here?

Either way, just explain to your son it doesn't matter! Everyone's different and there will be plenty of kids who will happily chat with him :)

I had this years ago it was caused by my bra it was worse in the summer I think it was caused by laundry products.

Lots of other kids to play with. If he is awkward it’s good to have some good openers. Asking other children what they are doing, tends to get them talking. Then asking if you can help tends to get a yes.

He’ll get a better response if he offers his name first. “Hello I’m XXXXX what’s your name? Do you want to play?”

wrong thread sorry

Thanks for your kind replies, all.
I told him his little brother was keen to play with him even if she wasn't, but he did seem a bit down all the same.

I like the sound of this mini waffle child 😁 Playdate, next time you're in Yorkshire!

He's a bit shy about giving his name first so opens with an invitation for their name, to ease into the name thing, as it were. I've told him to use his middle name if it makes him feel any better, and he was happy with that.

🤣
All are welcome here

I encouraged my child to say hello back and wave or smile but kids are taught stranger danger and the message is more be wary of adults but some kids just think people asking questions not working out children and adults are different

so if someone is asking for a childs name it may make the child uncomfortable, adults know the difference with polite conversation and feeling uncomfortable with certain questions, not many kids would in my experience

This really amused me 😂

I think it's just kids being kids, really. It's tough to watch as a parent, but some kids won't want to play, won't react particularly nicely, don't want to engage, etc. It's just part of being human, although I would find it upsetting to watch to as I hate when DD1 gets rejected for any kind of play! But it allows for conversations about how sometimes she herself might not want to play and we talk about what might be a kind way to say that to someone instead of what was said to her, etc. or how she could have approached a social situation differently.

He's a bit shy about giving his name first so opens with an invitation for their name, to ease into the name thing, as it were. I've told him to use his middle name if it makes him feel any better, and he was happy with that.

He should understand better than anyone then! If he doesn't like giving his name, surely not too much of a leap for him to understand they might feel exactly the same as he does.

Why is he shy about telling people his name and why do you and he expect other children to be ok with it?

He's a bit shy about giving his name first so opens with an invitation for their name, to ease into the name thing, as it were. I've told him to use his middle name if it makes him feel any better, and he was happy with that.

^ it's quite rude to teach him to do this. You should teach him it's polite to introduce himself first. "Hello, I'm X. Would you like to play/do Y together? Or Hello, I'm X. What's your name?" are both more socially appropriate than just asking strangers questions.

A lot of parents don’t teach their kids how to make friends. An introduction is the single most powerful way anyone (adult or child) can build a connection. By not teaching your children to overcome temporary anxiety to do this you’re basically setting them up for future social failure and all the loneliness and anxiety that brings.

And I don’t buy ‘stranger danger’ as a reason. At school this is taught in a very specific way and involves adults, not children.

People are just different, DS has always been shy but DD tells basically anyone her entire life story.

He's concerned other kids will struggle to pronounce it, but they usually get it better than adults do, but he often opens with something like, hi, can I play with you? And then gets ignored.

He will gappily introduce hus little brother by name, or use his own middle name m.

*happily

You think it's rude for a five year old to play alongside another five year old and say, "hello! what's your name?"
That's interesting.

But I should add, I didn't teach him to do that. He just does it. I told him to use his middle name if he wanted to.