Kid in playground

[JustBanPlasticAndSubsidiseTheTrainsAlready]

I just need to ask for your experiences.

My kid has just gone 5. He's NT as far as I can tell, but I'm not a professional in the field.

My other kid is 2.5.

They were at a park today, one outside a cafe with tables outside. Parents were outside having a cup of whatever, as were we, and the children were playing in the park immediately adjacent, which consisted of a big wendy house style cabin and things to climb on, rather than swings.

I wandered over to assist youngest climbing into the cabin.

My eldest, after playing near a girl of a similar height, says to her,

"hello, what's your name?"

She says something, and he says, "sorry I didn't hear you"

Youngest then says to her, "what's your name?"

She says, "nothing"

My eldest says, "but what's your name?"

She says "I don't want to tell you".

So what I am asking here, is have you experienced this sort of thing? I ask because it's not the first, or the second time this has happened. At soft plays, there are children who when asked their name by my son, just ignore, or run away.

I expect there are some really shy children about, but I wondered what advice I can give to my eldest as he's starting to take it to heart.

For context this other child was playing happily with a number of other boys a few minutes later.

My son isn't visually different from average in any way: clothes, hair, size, all average.

I'd be grateful for tips to give to him, whether it's "give up at first rebuff" or "plenty more kids in the sea" or whatever. Any thoughts?

My 5 year old plays with other children in parks etc but never, ever asks their name. It just isn’t important to him! 😂

She didn’t want to tell him her name, so what? They can still play!

Well that's the point of the thread, other kids will just blank him, when he's saying things like

Hello, can I play with you?

Hi, what's your name?

That's my little brother, Dewey, he's two years old. I'm five years old, how old are you?

Shall we be friends?

All delivered with a smile.

Well she ran away! 🤣

At soft plays, there are children who when asked their name by my son, just ignore, or run away
If it's happening so often there must be some issue with your child's delivery / body language. Is he perhaps too intense, gets into the other child's space, doesn't pick up on social cues, etc?

Haha! Maybe not, then! Bless him. It hurts seeing your child seemingly rejected by others.

I told my older son when he was about five that not everyone is as friendly as him, and it’s ok, he can just play with someone else. Maybe, like others have said, the girl has been told not to give out her personal details. It’s drummed into them at school as young as year R- internet safety.

I mean, in my experience of children, just starting to play alongside one another is how they connect. No forced “hello, what’s your name, do you want to play?” Etc

For context this other child was playing happily with a number of other boys a few minutes later
Then it's definitely something your child is doing / not doing.

Oh.

I think it’s odd that he opens with demands for names and you expect other children to comply. Would you if someone just came up and Demanded it!

Also odd asking them if they want to be his friend too I think - most kids just play together they don’t need to define such clear boundaries.

Sorry if that sounds bad, op. It just really does sound too intense expecting name, rank and serial number, plus declarations of friendship for a 15 minute runabout in the park. It's obviously putting the other kids off.
Maybe you could roleplay a bit with him, and get him to tone it down?

Not all children will want to play though- my DD (similar age) would react on the way you describe that girl doing. If he was persistent she would probably come off the playground and hide behind me. I'd be delighted if she would just play with random kids and have suggested how she should respond if she does want to play, but usually she is very clear that she does not want to.

Should add, I think the most successful strategy is if a kid explains the game and invites another to join - eg"we are playing tag do you want to join", "I'm putting my teddy to bed in this treehouse", "this is our superhero base" etc etc

I know that some children absolutely do want to play with other kids all the time, and will happily bowl up to kids they've never met and introduce themselves and start/attempt to start a game. And that's lovely. However, there are certainly also kids who are equally lovely, but just like to do their own thing. For some kids, if they're shy or introverted, getting to know someone and feeling comfortable playing with new people is quite an effort. The shy kids deserve to enjoy their play time too.

So while I do definitely feel sorry for kids who want to play with others and are sad if they can't always find a companion, I also don't think other children should be expected to automatically play with them if they would be happier playing alone.

Small children in general simply don't have the same social skills as adults and will often be capricious about who they want to play with, or won't want to play with anyone because they're shy, and just don't have the manners yet to handle it politely. Kids can be astonishingly blunt, grumpy, moody or tactless. I wouldn't worry about it, and just explain to your son that not everyone will want to talk to/play with him all the time, and that that is fine, and it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.

I think there are two things going on here. the first is that lots of children are constantly being told not to tell their names to strangers, and no one clarifies that it's okay in the park with other children. Also, lots of children are very shy when asked direct questions and it's something that, hopefully, over time, they learn to get over.

I would encourage your child to just start playing without all the questions. Most of the time if my children make friends with random children it's because they've landed up on the roundabout together or are making train noises on the climbing frame. There's no actual chitchat.

He's a bit shy about giving his name first so opens with an invitation for their name, to ease into the name thing, as it were. I've told him to use his middle name if it makes him feel any better, and he was happy with that.

It does seem strange that he is uncomfortable giving his name and yet is upset if another child doesn't want to give their name.

However
This is about social convention, isn't it.

If I am sitting near a stranger and happy to pass a few minutes in conversation, none of that conversation asks them to give me personal information about themselves. It will be about the weather, or a comment about the view or the way the seagulls are behaving, or something strange that you both just saw, or, if it involves a question, it would be "Do you know if there is a good chippy around here?" or "Do you know when the next bus is due?" or something.

I am more than happy to pass the time of day with a stranger, but I have never had someone say "What's your name?" as an opener. If a stranger asked me that - when I was waiting at a bus stop, or walking along a pathway, or waiting in a queue, or sitting on a bench , I would be very wary, as it isn't social convention to do so. We don't need each other's names to have a chat. Kids don't need each others names to play alongside each other at a public park or playground.
The other child was right to be cautious.

Op what I've noticed up to age 5-6 kids aren't big talkers. They don't bond over an introduction or small talk. And if you ask "can I play with you" they will often say nothing or they will say no because they dont know yet if playing with the other child is fun or ok or maybe Just because they like saying no.

I have observed many kids to see how they join in with random kids (because my DD struggled with this) and found that the best way to play with a child is to just join in in what they are doing. E.g. young kids (ie toddlers) often just join another child running around, then the other kid notices and in turn might start following them or run the same way.

Older kids could observe the game for a while and then try to join e.g. by getting logs to build a den or by saying "should I be the goal keeper?" or by taking on a suitable role to augment the game. Not sure this makes sense (and it's very difficult to teach a child to so this especially an older one) but it seems to come naturally to kids who make friends easily.

Could you have made it into a big thing so your hypersensitive about the rejection?

My daughter is ND but she’s super sociable, she’s always going up to kids and asking them if they want to play but it’s usually 60/40 whether she’ll get a positive response.

She has a friend with a stutter who freezes when unknown children want to talk to him so shes aware there’s lots of reasons why someone may seem unfriendly and she doesn’t take it personally.

Maybe teach your children that it's ok to ask once but then not the keep bugging the child if they don't want to answer. To keep asking when they don't want to is rather rude

I think it's probably a bit too formal for some kids, and it is freaking them out. When I've watched my DC playing with other kids in a park or playground, they generally start playing together first and then names come later. By marching up to other kids and asking their name when no other relationship (however tenuous) has been established probably comes across as a bit too intense and puts the other kid's backs up.

If you were in a social situation OP, like watching your kids swimming lesson for example, you would generally start chit chatting with another parent then names might come later. You wouldn't go up to a stranger and ask their name before you started interacting.

Woah, right to be cautious? The boy is five years old.

Can I just re-make the bed here and gently say that he didn't "march up" to anyone, and he didn't ask for name, rank and serial number, by which I understand a series of billeted questions.

My OP said:

My eldest, after playing near a girl of a similar height, says to her,

"hello, what's your name?"

He was playing about a foot away from her, in a Wendy house. Then said hello as the opener, then asked her name.

In exchanging names with a person you generally have two choices, ask them first or give yours. He is a bit shy with his name because he worries another child won't be able to pronounce it, but he has been proven wrong on that count a few times, it's only adults who say it wrong. This because a child listens to the name and repeats it, but adults imagine it written down and then say what they think it should be. It is a European name.

Having said that, he doesn't expect anything from other children, he asked her her name, and she was kind of rude in her answer (but yes, kids can be rude, and that's ok!)

It was me who was curious about the interaction, he isn't upset about it. I was just wondering.

I'd agree, adults will go far in a conversation without knowing someone's name, but that's not always how kids operate. The other thing they like to talk about is their age, I certainly remember always being asked / giving my age as a child. I'm never asked now, so that there are times I actually have to think about it to remember my own age.

I really mean it when I say thank you all for your comments, it's good food for thought.

Best wishes and goodnight :-)

You've had some weird responses here OP. People comparing the interaction between two 5 year olds to interactions between adults are being ridiculous. It's different, of course it is. You wouldn't ask an adult you've just met their name, but also unlikely to meet another adult whilst playing in a Wendy house! It's completely different.

I'd agree, adults will go far in a conversation without knowing someone's name, but that's not always how kids operate.

Well, it always has been in my decades of experience, from being a child myself, through decades of teaching, through decades of volunteering with children and young people, and through being at playgrounds all the years with my own dc. I also like watching 'The Secret Life of 4 yr olds' type programmes

Usually, kids play alongside each other without ever feeling the need to ask the other child's name. Absolutely no-one is saying there is anything wrong with asking another child's name, but it isn't how most dc slip into a game or some form of playing with other dc.

So, the girl might have been taken aback a little bit.

@UsingChangeofName while I’m sure “being a child”, teaching, being a parent, and watching do give you some understanding of what a 4/5 year old is “like”, I’m not sure your observation that small children don’t ask each others names is correct. Like many reading I probably have most of the same “credentials” added to which experience of a child with language deficit and many many hours of specialist focused therapy. At this age the most common questions asked and asked by children are fairly well recognised. One of the most common on initial meeting is “what’s your name?”. Children with communication difficulties are often taught standard responses, and those responses are designed to encourage the person they’re interacting with to respond favourably. One of the first things taught is to approach people you’d like to play with and say “Hello, I’m John, What’s your name?”. My child’s school were so fantastic they did an assembly on “How to ask people to play nicely.”

Other common questions for those who’d like to help their children think of friendly things to say include
How old are you?
Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Whats your favourite colour?