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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being fair with the children

28 replies

Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 21:29

5 children. 3 are with my partner and 2 are from previous relationship.
2 of our shared children go to partners mother's and come back with LOADS of treats in 2 bags (1 each for the 2 children)

I asked politely if she would not do this as it makes the other 3 children feel bad (I don't mind what she does with them when she has them, as long as its not rubbed in the faces of the other children)

I work so damn hard trying to make it fair for all 5 children so none feel bad or left out. She said they can share but that would mean me forcing it and being the tyrant forcing the children to share something that was given to them. (I never force them to share, though i encourage it. i let them decide) i told her i wouldnt force it and that i dont know why shed do this as its so obviously unfair on the other children. She got all upset saying she's never bringing anything for any of them ever again.
So I said OK thanks, that I'd rather nothing come than any of them feel bad and that I would always stand up for my children.

Was Ibu? We usually get on okay, though she has done this a few times, just not to this extent (there is ALOT of treats)
I have asked my partner to mention this to his mum in the past but he just isn't bothered and leaves it. He says it isn't a big deal. But to a child it really is. I don't want to then go out and buy loads of treats for the other 3 children to make it fair because then I would be being unfair on the other 2 because it wasn't their fault.

Fucking sick of this bullshit. If I'd known how bastarding hard this would be I would have done things SO differently.
I so nievely assumed other people would be as fair as me.

Its not even just my older 2 children that she left out, but her youngest bio grandchild too (who is old enough to see they didnt get any treats and feel bad). I don't think she did it to be spiteful, I think she is just thoughtless. That's why I asked politely, though I may have been a tad blunt because of the resentment and anger that built in me seeing my children feel hurt by this woman, again. (I'm used to her letting my older 2 children down, though I try to let it slide because they are not her bio grandchildren. Even though they've been in her life since they were 2 and 3)

Please tell me if I'm over reacting, I've considered leaving my partner many times over the way his mother is with the children. I feel he should care more and it makes me resent him. So sick of this. Sick to death of it.

OP posts:
Wenfy · 30/07/2023 21:33

Do the elder two not get any time with their grandparents? Do they share the stuff their dad and gp give to them? If not you’re being massively unreasonable.

NuffSaidSam · 30/07/2023 21:35

Based on the information here, yes, you would be overreacting to leave your partner and break up a family because Grandma wasn't equal with the treats! It would be insane to do that.

I'm assuming there's a lot more to it?

How old are the children? I'd be tempted to just let them learn that they get different things at different times. Today these two were with Grandma and got treats, another time she/you/someone else might treat one if the others. They can't have exactly the same all the time.

homeforme · 30/07/2023 21:37

Why do only 2 out of 3 of her grandchildren visit her?

Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 21:38

They do visit grandparents but they never come home with bags of treats (or anything really) just for them. (If they did I would ask they didn't as it would be unfair on the others)

OP posts:
Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 21:39

Their dad doesn't send treats back either

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/07/2023 21:42

Why doesn’t the youngest go and see her?

Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 21:45

Regarding leaving my partner over this stuff, it's how little he cares about their feelings that makes me so mad. It's not just about the treats, there is more to it but that's it in a nutshell really.

I know kids should learn that others get things they don't sometimes and I do allow them to see this. But allowing this just seems cruel and unnecessary

She doesn't have the youngest overnight, can only cope with 2.

OP posts:
WaitingfortheTardis · 30/07/2023 21:51

I don't think she is being thoughtless or cruel, it sounds like she just gives them a small gift for visiting.

Bookish88 · 30/07/2023 21:52

I never really understand this type of behaviour. In her shoes, I'd send treats for the other 3 too. It wouldn't even occur to me to do otherwise 🤷‍♀️ If she isn't able to do that, I'd prefer she gave to none of them.

TokenGinger · 30/07/2023 21:54

Just make your kids share. It's really not a bad thing to instil in them. It's generous of her to send treats home. As a parent, you can decide that those treats get shared out. I don't think I'd be so mad at a grandparent sending treats home. When I was a child, it was just the done thing that my brother and I would share treats that we got because we were taught to share with our siblings. My kids will be taught the same.

CurlewKate · 30/07/2023 21:55

Have you tried asking her to divide the treats into 5 bags (freezer bags will do) then there will be a bag each?

Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 21:56

She gives them loads of treats when they're there, ice creams, cakes, sweets ect. These bags full of treats were extra, purposefully packed to bring here for them to eat.
I buy all the kids treats, it's not like they even need the extra. It is unnecessary and I feel its cruel to the others, they see their siblings with all these extra treats. Why couldn't she have kept them at her house for them to have?

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 30/07/2023 21:57

I think your massively over thinking this. Are we just talking about a few sweets/ cake?

Is it that different to other kids coming home from a party its a party bag?

Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 22:00

I'd feel bad forcing it though. That it would make them resentful towards the other 3.
I feel I'd be playing a tyrant doing so, like they're being punished when they haven't done anything wrong

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 30/07/2023 22:00

Cross posted. Get the kids to share or just put the treats in the treat cupboard.

I wouldn't be able to get worked up over this so with your husband on this one.
Also bonkers reason to break up a family

Original poster
Sickofthisshitt · 30/07/2023 22:01

It's much much more than a party bag, like carrier bag each full of sweets, cakes, biscuits ect

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 30/07/2023 22:03

Well I would be taking them off the kids regardless. I wouldn't give my kids access to that level of crap. What age are they?

Iammetoday · 30/07/2023 22:04

Just tell the kids there's so much that they will share out all the treats, take them and out them I kitchen. Surely if dc cone vack with carrier bags of cakes etc they don't just sit and eat them!? If so time to learn sharing! You are over reacting, you can't control others but can control the food in your house for your dc.

BiscuitsandPuffin · 30/07/2023 22:06

DH problem. 🤷‍♀️

Maray1967 · 30/07/2023 22:10

That amount should be taken off them and put in your cupboard - and then shared out. Please don’t feel it would be unfair on the two who went to do that - it’s far too much for two kids. I’d explain to them that they should be sharing stuff like this - it’s not birthday or Christmas gifts.

5128gap · 30/07/2023 22:14

YABU as you could fix this in seconds by simply saying to the two DC 'Nan says the treats she gives you can be shared between all 5 of you so we'll do that from now on'
You have no control over his mum and trying to gain it over this is just causing upset and drama.
You do have control over how you bring your DC up, which imo should involve teaching them to share. You have a stong sense that other people be fair to your DC. They should also be fair to each other.

Tangledbaby · 30/07/2023 22:22

How old are all the dc? If the older 2 are quite a bit older (teens) then surely they’d understand and not really be bothered?

if it’s a small gap (5,7, 8,9) then maybe when the other 2
are staying at grandmas you take them to a sweet shop for a large pic n mix as a treat?

Leobynature · 30/07/2023 22:30

You are massively overreacting about something which is in your gift to sort out.
when the kids come back with big carrier bags of treats, let them know grandma said that ‘it’s for sharing’ and stick them in the cupboard and save a few quid on your treat budget.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/07/2023 22:36

Yanbu. It's fine to set a boundary for extra junk food coming into the house - they can eat it there (if you give permission, I wouldn't).

OR you have a rule that any food from outside goes into a family pot for sharing and that includes party bags, Halloween hauls, etc

deww · 30/07/2023 22:40

when I was younger I went to stay with my grandparents who had a pool. My sister had a skin condition and couldn't swim so I wasn't allowed in the pool either. This went on for 10 years. I heard stories of all the amazing times my cousins had in the pool and I was so angry. I also wasn't allowed my favourite treat in the whole world because my sister was allergic. I was so resentful that I had to miss out just to make things fair. Sometimes life isn't fair and thats an equally important lesson. Your children shouldn't be deprived opportunities to make things fair, as things even out over time. As long as one kid isn't being excluded in this case the bio grandchild - 3rd - was he being deliberately excluded? I can see that being a case but im sure it can be arrange for him to separately visit his grandmother and receive sweets.

When I was younger my sister got the most amazing toys and days out with her god mother which I didn't get. I had a different god mother who treated us all the same. that was me being on the receiving end of life isn't fair.