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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help! Would you have judged me for this?

37 replies

icecreamsorbet3 · 30/07/2023 18:09

Hi!

just wondering if you would have judged me or my family for this. I always knew my situation was slightly different but I never realised how badly other people might perceive it.

i had a really, really difficult childhood and wasn’t able to live with my parents. My older family (aunt and uncle) fought tooth and nail to have me stay with them as apposed to god knows what else. I had an amazing life with them although I was aware my situation was different because they were older than my friends parents (their kids were all grown up by this point). I never, ever missed out but things were just slightly different to my friend’s situations. So for example, they weren’t quite as knowledgeable about what was cool and what wasn’t since their children had all grown up. Things like that for music, make up, you get the picture. As a kid I never went to a soft play or adventure type place that my friends would go to but we would always go trips out to local towns, museums etc and I had great fun. I never missed out and I had a fantastic childhood

But the one thing I do feel i slightly missed out on was having sleepovers or having friends over to the house for dinner or play dates. It just didn’t happen because they couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I always felt a bit awkward because I would go to my friends but couldn’t have anyone back. We had a lovely house but they also still worked full time and were a lot older and looking after me unexpectedly so to be frank they couldn’t be bothered with play dates, sleepovers etc on their weekend off work. Just the whole fiasco of organising it, sorting food and stuff to do and the inevitable mess and carnage and exhaustion and cleaning up that all comes with sleepovers lol, I don’t really blame them for thinking it was all a lot of hassle because frankly it was but it was awkward for me being the only one not doing it. With hindsight I think they were slightly embarrassed for me as they were always sensitive about the fact they were older not my real parents and didn’t want me to ever feel embarrassed or different. I never thought though that my friends parents would be judging me or my family or thinking badly of them for never having people over back. But I’ve read some posts on here talking badly about kids who never return the invite and saying they wouldn’t invite them ever again if they don’t get invited back to their house etc, and saying their parents are selfish etc and they are not encouraging the friendships anymore.

Impossible to know for sure but I suppose I’m wondering, would you have judged me if I was always having play dates, dinner dates, sleepovers etc at your house but had never returned the favour? I hate to think people thought badly of us.

for context my aunt and uncle were brilliant in giving me and my friends lifts to the cinema, shops, park etc and as we got older they would pick us up at any hour from parties, town, cinema and so on. So they did the lifts but not the sleepovers/dinner/play dates etc

would you have judged or been annoyed at my and my family? X

OP posts:
Twothousandandjustonemore · 30/07/2023 18:13

No, because your circumstances were very different from the parents who’s children we always had on play dates/sleep overs but never bothered to reciprocate.

Testina · 30/07/2023 18:15

I have a super sociable 13yo among my children - we host large sleepovers (7-9 kids) about every 3 weeks. The return invitations vary from occasional to birthdays only to absolutely never. I just see it as “some parents don’t host”. I don’t give it any thought.

Arewehumanorarewecupboards · 30/07/2023 18:15

No, I wouldn’t have judged. But then we never had friends over due to our situation either so I would probably be more understanding than most.

Nevermind31 · 30/07/2023 18:16

You are overthinking this. Were you still invited? Then there was no issue

Elvis1956 · 30/07/2023 18:20

None of my friends ever had sleepovers, it really wasn't a thing in the 70s/80s for the working class. So no you haven't been the only one not to have them.
You had people who loved you. I grew up with friends who never had that.

Singleandproud · 30/07/2023 18:20

If people had a problem with it they wouldn't have continued to invite you back.

DD has ASD and is happy to go to her friends houses for sleepovers etc but only allows two friends to come to ours and even then they stay in the living room. Most people don't know she has ASD but none have complained that we don't reciprocate and continue to invite her round.

Original poster
icecreamsorbet3 · 30/07/2023 18:22

I should have said for context, I was born in 96 so that gives a rough idea of dates etc!

OP posts:
Mumofsend · 30/07/2023 18:23

As a parent, if you were one of my children's friends I would happily host repeatedly rather than any child miss out. Zero judgement

UndercoverCop · 30/07/2023 18:23

My parents were always hosters (and lift givers), we didn't have much financially but friends were always welcome.
Reciprocation was really varied. One of my still best friends lived just around the corner never once was I invited there for dinner until he was old enough to cook and it would be when parents were out, and they'd never give lifts even if we were staying after school to do extra curricular and would miss the school bus, my parents ran him and others, around a lot, they always just said we're collecting you anyway it's no extra effort. My dad grew up with his mum and our grandparents were best friends, so families knew each other really well. Some people just don't like a house full of kids, or picking teenagers up at 2am from a club when the cab hasn't arrived.... Thanks dad.

I've said to DH I will absolutely pay it forward with DS whereas I can see with friend his DC only do one activity and it's in the scout hall opposite their house so they open the door and watch the DC cross the road, I've not known them to have play dates, we go there very very occasionally, but more often than not they come to us.
I wouldn't judge someone either way.

BurntWindowcleaner · 30/07/2023 18:25

If they had been judging the situation, they wouldn’t have been judging you, surely, but your guardians, anyway?

We could never have anyone over after school, because we were poor, the house was tiny and overcrowded, elderly grandparents and great-uncle lived there as well as my parents and four children, and there was never enough for extra food for guests. I just accepted it.

wishing3 · 30/07/2023 18:26

I’m curious how old your aunt and uncle were please OP!

RosesAndHellebores · 30/07/2023 18:28

You are between my dc age wise. No I wouldn't have judged. I'd have taken my hat off to your aunt and uncle and gone out of my way to invite the lovely young person they were supporting. Later I'd have been very grateful for their help with lifts, etc.

You have nothing to worry about and I hope all is well with you.

Dacadactyl · 30/07/2023 18:29

No. It's a different situation and people would likely have known that too.

Fatkittythinkitty · 30/07/2023 18:30

I've never judged the parents of the kids who we've hosted but haven't reciprocated. You never know what people are going through and what their reasons may be.

We're actually on the other side of it now with our 16 yo son. He never has his friends over despite us encouraging to invite them. There seems to be one or two houses they always go to so it's not just us not reciprocating but I still feel awkward. I send him with gifts for the parents from time to time as a thank you.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 30/07/2023 18:30

Dear OP, you are only a few years older than my DD.
As a parent who hosted many a sleepover, I would not judge at all.

And as pointed out in other posts, you would not have been continued to be invited back if it was a problem.

Your aunt and uncle sound lovely, and so do you.

sunglassesonthetable · 30/07/2023 18:31

No I wouldn't judge. Some parents do and some don't. We've had lots of kids over and lots have never reciprocated and some have. It's not a thing.

But any parents that does lifts and picking up is a fab parent to know. I am always very grateful for parents who chip in for that. I think I would be much more conscious of a parent who always took lifts but never did any themselves. Unless they didn't have a car of course.

I think you're overthinking this tbh. The main thing is if a child is pleasant and gets on well with mine.

Sound like your U & A did their bit with all the lifts.

Theimpossiblegirl · 30/07/2023 18:34

RosesAndHellebores · 30/07/2023 18:28

You are between my dc age wise. No I wouldn't have judged. I'd have taken my hat off to your aunt and uncle and gone out of my way to invite the lovely young person they were supporting. Later I'd have been very grateful for their help with lifts, etc.

You have nothing to worry about and I hope all is well with you.

Exactly what I was going to post.
Please don't worry, op.

ejbaxa · 30/07/2023 18:34

I've only seen the judgement online, on this website.

IRL, if someone wants a sleepover or whatever, then they do it. It isn't done to get reciprocation.

LaMaG · 30/07/2023 18:37

My parents never allowed me have sleepovers, don't know why, it was some BS about not wanting to be responsible if something went wrong. They always gave the late night lifts though.

My DS has had a friend over a few times and he hangs out here a lot, but DS is never invited back..the boy is the oldest of 4 they have a toddler and a baby and a (very annoying!) little girl and a much smaller house so it wouldn't occur to me that DS would stay there. There are lots of different circumstances OP, I wouldn't worry about it.

Blondebutnotlegally · 30/07/2023 18:39

I think it depends on whether the playdates and sleepovers were being treated as childcare or solely for the children. I want to facilitate this for my children as much as possible as I want to seem them happy. For some people, it's so much mental/financial effort that it's either playdate at someone else's or not at all. So not inviting them to ours every time would lead to the children missing out. If it's encouraged by the parents so they can avoid paying childcare but not repaying the favour, then thats not ideal.

Don't worry at all. I think anyone judging you is not someone whose feelings you should care much about.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 30/07/2023 18:42

Nope no judgement.

I am a few years older than you- we had a large rambling house and loads of kids in it, sleepovers all the time and usually last minute. I had friends who stayed that I never once stayed at their house! I didn’t judge as a kid, and neither did my parents.

i don’t judge now either with my DC. I have kids over to play, and because I want to. I don’t give to receive as it were.

AmySma11 · 30/07/2023 18:43

You wouldn't be judged at all, your friends only cared about spending time with you. We're in a fortunate position to be best located for hosting DDs sleepovers and so do most of them, as long as they're all happy it's great!

FrangipaniBlue · 30/07/2023 18:46

I'm one of the parents who doesn't reciprocate sleepovers or having all the kids round for tea.

But it's not actually me - it's DS!

He doesn't like his mates being in his room. As an only child I also felt the same but I don't think I could exactly explain why?!

He'll happily go round to friends but whenever I suggest he invites them round here he always says nah he's not bothered.

I reckon the other mums totally judged me 😂

LakeTiticaca · 30/07/2023 19:11

I was a kid in the 60s and we never really had sleepovers apart from about once or twice a year with my friend next door. We were always really excited cos is was a rare event. My kids in the 90s had sleepovers sometimes but it was never made into a massive event, they had some snacks and played on the PlayStation till the early hours.
I didn't keep a tally of how many sleepovers were at our house or friends houses 😀

sunglassesonthetable · 30/07/2023 19:40

No I wouldn't judge. Some parents do and some don't. We've had lots of kids over and lots have never reciprocated and some have. It's not a thing.

I meant to say some parents do sleepovers and some parents don't do sleepovers.