Help! Would you have judged me for this?

[icecreamsorbet3]

Hi!

just wondering if you would have judged me or my family for this. I always knew my situation was slightly different but I never realised how badly other people might perceive it.

i had a really, really difficult childhood and wasn’t able to live with my parents. My older family (aunt and uncle) fought tooth and nail to have me stay with them as apposed to god knows what else. I had an amazing life with them although I was aware my situation was different because they were older than my friends parents (their kids were all grown up by this point). I never, ever missed out but things were just slightly different to my friend’s situations. So for example, they weren’t quite as knowledgeable about what was cool and what wasn’t since their children had all grown up. Things like that for music, make up, you get the picture. As a kid I never went to a soft play or adventure type place that my friends would go to but we would always go trips out to local towns, museums etc and I had great fun. I never missed out and I had a fantastic childhood

But the one thing I do feel i slightly missed out on was having sleepovers or having friends over to the house for dinner or play dates. It just didn’t happen because they couldn’t be bothered with any of it. I always felt a bit awkward because I would go to my friends but couldn’t have anyone back. We had a lovely house but they also still worked full time and were a lot older and looking after me unexpectedly so to be frank they couldn’t be bothered with play dates, sleepovers etc on their weekend off work. Just the whole fiasco of organising it, sorting food and stuff to do and the inevitable mess and carnage and exhaustion and cleaning up that all comes with sleepovers lol, I don’t really blame them for thinking it was all a lot of hassle because frankly it was but it was awkward for me being the only one not doing it. With hindsight I think they were slightly embarrassed for me as they were always sensitive about the fact they were older not my real parents and didn’t want me to ever feel embarrassed or different. I never thought though that my friends parents would be judging me or my family or thinking badly of them for never having people over back. But I’ve read some posts on here talking badly about kids who never return the invite and saying they wouldn’t invite them ever again if they don’t get invited back to their house etc, and saying their parents are selfish etc and they are not encouraging the friendships anymore.

Impossible to know for sure but I suppose I’m wondering, would you have judged me if I was always having play dates, dinner dates, sleepovers etc at your house but had never returned the favour? I hate to think people thought badly of us.

for context my aunt and uncle were brilliant in giving me and my friends lifts to the cinema, shops, park etc and as we got older they would pick us up at any hour from parties, town, cinema and so on. So they did the lifts but not the sleepovers/dinner/play dates etc

would you have judged or been annoyed at my and my family? X

i had posh live in massive no one was ever invited to it
never judged or thought to much about it

we just simply never went

Typo shit phone
I had posh friend lived in massive house no one was ever invited to it
never judged or thought to much about it
we just simply never went

My parents never let me have a sleepover and never gave lifts home either (including to me). I didn't really question at the time but I do look back now and wonder if others judged me/them. I will certainly treat my own children differently.

I can honestly say I haven't thought about it much all these years later so I wouldn't worry OP, it will be water long under the bridge for most people by now. Your aunt and uncle sound like wonderful people.

I ahd older parents. Same sort of trips as you did. Tbh loved it. Never wanted or had sleepovers or playdates. I did loads of extra curricular activities instead and made friends that way. I don't feel I missed out. When I was a teen I did my own thing

My parents were very young parents - my father was only 21 when I was born, and I have an older brother - and they still didn't do sleepovers etc...in fact, we were discouraged from doing anything outside of school, and that included having friends over, socializing with friends, etc... only my father could drive and we was always working abroad so my mother never took us on playdates, etc.

My parents made it pretty clear they didn't enjoy being parents much. I had shit childhood as they always put themselves first, over us. I think you were very lucky with your aunt and uncle and if I'd had your childhood I wouldn't let one small thing make me feel like I'd missed out/was judged in any way.

*he was always working abroad

As a parent now - we’re very happy to host, don’t expect any reciprocation and don’t ‘keep tabs’.

As a child - I only went inside my best friends house once, for about 5 minutes, when I went to pick her up. It hadn’t occurred to me to think anything more of this except that her mother didn’t speak English, until I read your post. I still don’t think it matters and I’m certain my parents weren’t bothered. They were very happy for my friend to come to ours or come on days out etc.

I've never understood the focus on 'reciprocation'. If you host, surely it's because you like extending hospitality and/or want to give pleasure to your child or family member, not to get something back. If you don't like hosting or can't afford it or whatever, do it less or don't do it, but don't act like other people owe you something because of your hosting.

I wouldn't even have noticed OP, and if I did notice I wouldn't have cared.

I wouldn't have judged, if I knew anything much about your homelife then I would have understood, but if I didn't then I wouldn't have judged either.

As a child my mum was always keen to host - she took the view that if we were at our house then she knew what we were getting up to. When I think back to my friends, some never hosted, some hosted infrequently, some hosted as much as we did. It just seemed like part of the natural variation in families.

Now that I have my own DDs, I don't particularly think about whether they get return playdates, sleepovers or parties. Hosting friends is about my DDs having amusement and company, not about getting something in return. DD2 in particular has friends whose backgrounds are a bit more complex than ours and don't really host, but they are really close friends and refusing to have them over would be harsh for both them and DD2. I'm not sure why some people are so fixed on reciprocity - it seems mean spirited towards children who have no control over their circumstances.

Sorry I voted for the wrong option!! I meant you’re being reasonable! Of course you couldn’t of helped that situation. I too was raised by my grandparents whom had grown up children.
anyone who would judge most likely does not understand as cannot relate /or is just narrow minded.
dont beat yourself up about it or what other people think of you, you was a child xxxx

If you were a nice child I'd have no problem with your parents not hosting - if you were a little shit I'd probably have seen it as a way out of having to invite you over!
Some people love hosting some people just don't do it for all sorts of reasons. I have friends whose parents house I've been to loads but they never came to mine as teens because their parents were very laid back and mine were much more uptight. It was much more fun at their house! It's just one of those thing, don't give it another thought.

Loads of families don't do sleepover, mine didn't when I was a kid in 80s/90s and I don't now with my DC as they've no interest in them. We're not the only ones and I've never come across any judgement or resentment either way.