Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Help !How to Politely ask DM to stop coming to stay !! ??

48 replies

Onedownonetogooo · 30/07/2023 16:13

My mum divides me. Occasionally, she can be lovely and kind . However she can be rude , lazy and extremely negative.

The issue is we live 5 hours away from each other so when we see each other it’s a visit of around a week. This is way too long.

When she comes to stay she never helps around the home and I will always end up cooking and entertaining her whilst she claims she is here to help. She makes snide comments about my husband and is generally negative in her conversation and talks endlessly about people I barely know and usually repeats the same old stories.

I love my mum but when she leaves I am always exhausted , annoyed and frustrated with her . I beg my husband to never let me agree to her visiting again. I used to visit her but it’s hard now I have 2 small children and a newborn. So now she keeps asking to come and stay . But I can’t bare it when she is here .

I have asked her before to help but she often refuses
. E.g- could you please bath dd?
Why doesn’t your husband do it .

Could you get this from the shop please ?
I don’t want to go out .

Do you mind taking DD to the park ?
rolls eyes- can’t DH do that later ??? Then critics DH!

She loves a drink and often holds court in the evening which is painful. DH now dreads her visits as I am always so stressed before , during and after ( sometimes for weeks!)

I have tried so many times to say that I need her help . But still I always end up waiting on her , listening to her gossip and becoming so frustrated as she sips wine and moans on !!! I try and shut down her negative conversation but she continues .

What’s ironic is she says she’s coming to help!

She is extremely tight and alot of her conversation are about the price of things !!! It’s boring . She will ask how much everything costs ( are those knives new I bet they cost alot . You buy your bread at Sainsburys, you must be rich ! Is that a new kettle ?)

She never wants to spend money so we never go out for a coffee, lunch or dinner . I always buy the food , cook and wash up . The days seem endless and i feel I’m entertaining from 8am to 10pm. She doesn’t ever stop talking . She follows me from room to room.I find it suffocating whilst she is here .

But I know she has a good heart and she does love her grandchildren and me . I have a brother but I know he doesn’t see her often. She loves me and I know she enjoys our time together . I feel crippling guilt that o don’t enjoy our time . Occasionally She has good spells where she can be lovely and kind .

I have recently had a little boy and she now keeps wanting to visit and I get it - she loves babies and is desperate to see him but it is so stressful each time she is here and after. DH has now asked she doesn’t come for a month or so as I’ve been so stressed by her.

Yesterday she called again , asking to stay and saying that she will ‘help out ‘ I just feel such guilt saying no. But I don’t want her to come . I’ve tried asking to visit for shorter periods but there are always excuses why she can’t . I’ve tried to be positive during her visits but I always end up having an awful time . I don’t want to cut her out . She isn’t evil . I’ve been stuck in this cycle with her for 20 years since I was 15 . The issue us now ok married and have children and it effects all of us when she visits as im so stressed. I often spend weeks after analyzing the situation and it is exhausting for me and DH.

How can I manage her asking to come each month ? She doesn’t seem to take hints I have given ( we need time as a family / I’m too exhausted to host and cook for visitors !)

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 30/07/2023 16:19

I don't know where you see evidence of a good heart at all.

Redshoeblueshoe · 30/07/2023 16:26

She sounds horrible

MinnieGirl · 30/07/2023 16:28

Maybe be honest?

Mum you always say you are coming to help, but once you are here you refuse to help and I end up waiting on you hand and foot while you make nasty comments about DH…
I have 3 small children and I’m exhausted. I can’t cope with your negative comments nor can I continue to wait on you hand and foot. If you visit you need to help and not sit there moaning all day

See how she reacts to that….

Blueeyes13 · 30/07/2023 16:30

Sounds like my mum! Even to the commenting on how much everything costs and that we must be rich. Mine comes to visit for the day every two weeks and I dread it. So exhausting. Perhaps it would be better to visit your mum, than for her to visit you. I appreciate all the work this entails for you with three children, but you can dictate how long the visit is and she should then be hosting you and doing the cooking etc?? Or meet be half way somewhere for a day out? My friend does this with her mum so she doesn't visit.

rainbowstardrops · 30/07/2023 16:35

MinnieGirl · 30/07/2023 16:28

Maybe be honest?

See how she reacts to that….

Pretty much sums it up!

Avatartar · 30/07/2023 16:44

I think tell her the second baby has knocked you and you are drained. Tell her she can come but absolutely has to do things for you like cook, clean, take the DCs out. Tell her you’ve stopped drinking so if she wants booze to bring her own - see how that goes and either fall asleep during her monologues or say mum I’m shattered and go to bed. If she’s not helping when she’s here, just say mum I’m sorry if I’m doing x for you I need you to help me with y and repeat then if it’s not working tell her you’re going to have to say no to more vibists for a while until you have your strength back- you’ve got to measure up to her and make her see you mean it - is she lonely and without hobbies and unable to stop talking because you are the only person she does talk to?

Lottapianos · 30/07/2023 16:44

Like others, I don't see what's lovely and kind about her. She says she's coming to 'help' then sits around doing naff all, expecting you to listen to her tedious drunken ramblings. Has you chained to the house all day and all evening. Not surprised you find it massively stressful, I was stressed just reading your description

How would it feel to be honest with her?

gamerchick · 30/07/2023 16:50

Stop hinting. Tell her she always says she'll help but she never does and give examples. Tell her you simply dont have the spoons to care for another adult atm and when you do, you'll let her know.

Point her towards her son. Say he will have more time to spend with her

Have the row if that's what it takes.

Crikeyalmightey · 30/07/2023 16:51

rainbowstardrops · 30/07/2023 16:35

Pretty much sums it up!

Show quote history

As above. She'll either shape up and be nicer and more helpful, or take the hump and not want to visit. Win/win!

Mustardfan · 30/07/2023 16:51

My mum was just like that when my kids were young. I wish I’d done some plain talking to her. Nothing ever changed, she’s in her 80’s now, I left it too late to say anything and still find her very difficult

whatdidshedotogetahillnamedafterher · 30/07/2023 16:52

You can lie! Having some building work done? Where does she sleep? get creative and use up the space so she cannot come.then suggest local b and b ,chances are she wont pay that so she wont come.Just make it so difficult for her that she will think its not worth the hassle. Suggest you go to hers for a change then you can come home when you like.

Hbh17 · 30/07/2023 16:54

Just. Say. No.

Rumplestiltz · 30/07/2023 16:56

My mum became like this. She now has Alzheimer’s. I often wondered whether the two were related - she was so kind and loving but as time passed when she came to visit it was all talk of help but did nothing and held court with wine. It was exhausting and actually very upsetting. Same anecdotes, all conversation led to something about her. She loved the kids but didn’t seem to know quite what to do with them.
I don’t want to become this.
my advice is as per PPs. You go there because then you are going on your own terms and in her house she will presumably step up to some degree. The kids may also see it as a trip.

FictionalCharacter · 30/07/2023 17:04

Wait, she comes for a week each month?

That’s madness. Like PPs I can see no evidence that she has a good heart. She’s a selfish, critical, rude person. Because she’s your mum you want to believe she has good qualities. She’s basically coming to you for a week long holiday each time.

Mine claimed she would help with the kids too. She never did, not once. She’d sit there expecting to be waited on, whilst regaling us with unpleasant monologues about all the people she didn’t like. A day visit was more than enough and we put a stop to those in the end. A week would never have been tolerable.

Put a stop to it now or this will be your life permanently, and she’ll get worse as she gets older. Tell her you can’t host her for frequent week long visits. If she claims she’ll help you, tell her you’ve asked many times and she never does. If she whinges, ignore.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 30/07/2023 17:05

Be honest. Tell her that her visits are exhausting because she doesn't help and expensive because she doesn't put her hand in her pocket. Tell her you'd love to see her but she can't stay at yours because you've already got enough on your plate. She'll probably sulk/strop/cry/all of the above, but stick to your guns. She'll either buck her ideas up and be a better guest, or she'll flounce and not come - either way problem solved. Hints clearly don't work, so be straight with her.

Lammveg · 30/07/2023 17:05

Ita a difficult one. You might just have to be honest here because it sounds like you've tried to discuss it many times. There's a few options I suppose

Don't buy the wine/don't do cooking you wouldn't normally do (I know just having an extra person there creates more work anyway- especially if they're very negative) and say 'I'm not discussing X Y Z' when she brings things up and move the conversation on
Can she stay somewhere nearby and come for allocated hours of the day?
Just say no to her visits.

It's really hard being the one to put in boundaries and I can see you feel she's not malicious in any way which makes it harder. What helps me is that i want my children to see how to keep boundaries with other people. Good luck OP x

UsingChangeofName · 30/07/2023 17:09

However much I loved anyone, them coming to stay with you for a week at a time, every month, is just too much.

In reply to her asking if she can come again, I think you have to be honest and say "No, Mum. I'm too tired and I haven't got the energy to look after you as well". When she says she is coming to help, give her the list of examples from last visit. Explain that is doesn't feel like help when she won't ever take one of the dc out (let alone all of them, which, tbf, I wouldn't expect her to), she won't bath one of them, and she won't cook or do anything to give you more time with the dc. You are going to have to be really clear, but then say "Why don't you come for 3 or 4 days in November?" or something, to show you are happy for her to come, as a guest sometimes (and only stay 'guest amount of time', but that actually it isn't any help to you if she doesn't pitch in when she is there.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 30/07/2023 17:13

She's not lovely and kind at all
She's happy to see you run yourself ragged, and criticising you whilst you do it
I would say, you're exhausted with the newborn and need time with your other two
She can't even be bothered to help with her loved DGC

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 30/07/2023 17:16

In an ideal world you'd tell her she's being no help at all and unpleasant company. It sounds like you don't think you can do that?

If that's the case, I would reconfigure how you're using the bedrooms so there is nowhere for her to physically stay with you. To get back almost 3 months over the course of a year I'd think it's worth it.

Turn it into an office or a craft or play room or something.

If she has to pay to stay somewhere else she'll either come less often or you’ll at least get a break when she goes back to her accommodation each evening.

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2023 17:18

Stop hinting.

Say ‘Mum, you can come for 2 nights, but that’s my limit.’

When she means/says why/etc, tell her

’Mum, you say you’ll help but you criticise my DH, you don’t do anything to help with housework or childcare and I’m too exhausted for more than a 2-day visit.’

Repeat in full as required.

PussInBin20 · 30/07/2023 17:19

Can’t you eek her out to every 2 mths perhaps? I feel your pain as mine is similar although she does happily come out for lunch/Coffee etc

Mine also moans/complains about everything and I think it is because she doesn’t have many people to talk to/see so it all just comes out when she sees us!

I really look forward to my DM coming but within a couple of days I look forward to her going (I’m sad to say). I think she knows that we are quite different people. She stresses about all kinds of things that I wouldn’t even think about.

Also just zone out if she talks a load of rubbish - I just don’t engage with half the chat, I might just Mmmm and change subject or go to another room.

NoSquirrels · 30/07/2023 17:21

And stop ‘analysing things’ and exhausting your DH with it all.

If you want to keep her in your life, in a limited way, you need to woman up and sort this out. It’s not fair on your DH to beg him ‘not to let you’ say yes and then when you do continue to moan at him afterwards. You’re not being fair to him to inflict that on him.

JennyForeigner · 30/07/2023 17:23

Is your mum my MIL?

RuthW · 30/07/2023 17:25

Mum, now we have the new baby there isn't room for you to stay. Here are the names of some good hotels nearby.

10HailMarys · 30/07/2023 17:25

Wait, are you saying she comes to stay FOR A WEEK EVERY MONTH? That would be a hell of a lot even if she wasn’t a giant pain in the arse. It sounds like you don’t have many boundaries in place with her.

Also, when she says she is coming to ‘help’ and then moans when you ask for help, don’t you point out that contradiction to her? Don’t you tell her that you don’t want her badmouthing your DH in his own home? You actually sound scared of her.

Flip

1 2