My mum divides me. Occasionally, she can be lovely and kind . However she can be rude , lazy and extremely negative.
The issue is we live 5 hours away from each other so when we see each other it’s a visit of around a week. This is way too long.
When she comes to stay she never helps around the home and I will always end up cooking and entertaining her whilst she claims she is here to help. She makes snide comments about my husband and is generally negative in her conversation and talks endlessly about people I barely know and usually repeats the same old stories.
I love my mum but when she leaves I am always exhausted , annoyed and frustrated with her . I beg my husband to never let me agree to her visiting again. I used to visit her but it’s hard now I have 2 small children and a newborn. So now she keeps asking to come and stay . But I can’t bare it when she is here .
I have asked her before to help but she often refuses
. E.g- could you please bath dd?
Why doesn’t your husband do it .
Could you get this from the shop please ?
I don’t want to go out .
Do you mind taking DD to the park ?
rolls eyes- can’t DH do that later ??? Then critics DH!
She loves a drink and often holds court in the evening which is painful. DH now dreads her visits as I am always so stressed before , during and after ( sometimes for weeks!)
I have tried so many times to say that I need her help . But still I always end up waiting on her , listening to her gossip and becoming so frustrated as she sips wine and moans on !!! I try and shut down her negative conversation but she continues .
What’s ironic is she says she’s coming to help!
She is extremely tight and alot of her conversation are about the price of things !!! It’s boring . She will ask how much everything costs ( are those knives new I bet they cost alot . You buy your bread at Sainsburys, you must be rich ! Is that a new kettle ?)
She never wants to spend money so we never go out for a coffee, lunch or dinner . I always buy the food , cook and wash up . The days seem endless and i feel I’m entertaining from 8am to 10pm. She doesn’t ever stop talking . She follows me from room to room.I find it suffocating whilst she is here .
But I know she has a good heart and she does love her grandchildren and me . I have a brother but I know he doesn’t see her often. She loves me and I know she enjoys our time together . I feel crippling guilt that o don’t enjoy our time . Occasionally She has good spells where she can be lovely and kind .
I have recently had a little boy and she now keeps wanting to visit and I get it - she loves babies and is desperate to see him but it is so stressful each time she is here and after. DH has now asked she doesn’t come for a month or so as I’ve been so stressed by her.
Yesterday she called again , asking to stay and saying that she will ‘help out ‘ I just feel such guilt saying no. But I don’t want her to come . I’ve tried asking to visit for shorter periods but there are always excuses why she can’t . I’ve tried to be positive during her visits but I always end up having an awful time . I don’t want to cut her out . She isn’t evil . I’ve been stuck in this cycle with her for 20 years since I was 15 . The issue us now ok married and have children and it effects all of us when she visits as im so stressed. I often spend weeks after analyzing the situation and it is exhausting for me and DH.
How can I manage her asking to come each month ? She doesn’t seem to take hints I have given ( we need time as a family / I’m too exhausted to host and cook for visitors !)