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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my neighbour over for dinner ?

44 replies

HP89 · 30/07/2023 00:28

Hello!
we have a neighbour who has a husband who is very unwell.
I know he has previously had cancer and recently been admitted again. when seeing the neighbour (wife) last week she shared her husband is in intensive care and got quite teary. She had 3 children (my best guess is around 3,4 and 7?).

I really want to help her, and let her know she has a friend next door, but I also don’t want to intrude. I was thinking of asking her over for dinner with her kids? I had, in passing, offered to look over them if she needed to go to the hospital at short notice etc… I don’t think she would take me up on this as we barely know eachother and seems to have a lot of family help so fair enough!

The problem is we haven’t made a real friendship in the time we’ve been neighbours. We go away a lot and so do they.

I’ve lost a parent young and I really feel for her.
I really want to help and show support as I can’t imagine how I would cope in her shoes. I thought about making some meals but don’t dare Incase of allergies or intolerances.

what can I do/ offer to do to help? I don’t want her to think we’re looking at her as a charity case, and I don’t want to overstep. Have you been in her situation? How would you have liked neighbours to act?

thanks In advance!

OP posts:
purpleme12 · 30/07/2023 00:30

I think it's a lovely thing to do, both to invite her over for a meal and/or give her some meals.
I have not been in that situation but when I had my baby I really appreciated my mum bringing a meal round.
Inviting her over would be a way of getting more friendly and getting to know each other

purpleme12 · 30/07/2023 00:31

And personally I would like that

UnRavellingFast · 30/07/2023 00:35

Hmmm lovely to be thinking of her. I wonder if an invite from someone you don’t know well might feel incongruous in the circumstances. Maybe drop her a note saying you’re there and if she feels like a chat, you want to help. And ask her if you can prepare some meals for her family while she’s run off her feet? Very gentle start because she’s probably feeling deeply vulnerable and anxious. Once she’s accepted a small level of help, I can imagine you would be a real rock to her. 💐

Youdoyoubabe · 30/07/2023 00:37

This situation calls for a pot meal. Lasagne, cottage pie etc firstly.

them also invite her over. It will be welcomed I am sure.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 30/07/2023 00:38

I think say a lot of what you have said here, you don't want to intrude but genuinely would like to help. She has confided how ill her husband is and I think it's better to offer too much than too little. Although she has family around they will all be worried too. What would you like if you were in her situation?

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 00:41

Maybe bring over a meal and invite them? Once you've made your offers though, leave the ball in their court. At such times there's often not a lot of energy for social connections, unless they are ones you already know really well. Good on you for caring.

dinosaurcookie · 30/07/2023 00:42

I would ask her over, if she doesn't want to come she can say no but I think that knowing that people care will be a source of comfort in any case.

LeeHarper5 · 30/07/2023 01:25

When I was in that situation people would say ‘Just ask if there’s anything I can do to help.’ However it’s really, really hard to ask for help.

Things that helped me were practical things such as my neighbour would cut my lawn when he did his, he never asked, he just did it. Another would pull my bin out on bin days. My Mum would say ‘Give me your washing.’ and I’d hand it over, she knew if she asked the question ‘Do you want me to take your washing?’ I’d say No it’s ok. Another would just check in via WhatsApp a couple of times a week but with no expectation of a reply… just letting me know I was in her thoughts. My sister would bring picky food knowing I couldn’t always face eating a full meal.

Perhaps start with a nice card with a note along the lines of what you have said here. Mention that you have experienced, as a young child, having a very poorly parent. Next time you see her tell her you’re making a coffee if they have time you’d love for them to join you.

You sound like a lovely neighbour. 💐

Hawkins0001 · 30/07/2023 01:27

A kind gesture op

teenagetantrums · 30/07/2023 01:32

If l was in her situation the last thing l would want to do would be to go for dinner with a neighbour. How about just dropping her round a meal she can use or freeze like a casserole or lasagne and some treats for the kids.

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 01:38

purpleme12 · 30/07/2023 00:30

I think it's a lovely thing to do, both to invite her over for a meal and/or give her some meals.
I have not been in that situation but when I had my baby I really appreciated my mum bringing a meal round.
Inviting her over would be a way of getting more friendly and getting to know each other

Thank you. I have had a friend tell me recently that a cook voucher was really beneficial when she gave birth (as I wouldn’t know why she/ they like to eat!) so might consider something similar!

OP posts:
Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 01:42

UnRavellingFast · 30/07/2023 00:35

Hmmm lovely to be thinking of her. I wonder if an invite from someone you don’t know well might feel incongruous in the circumstances. Maybe drop her a note saying you’re there and if she feels like a chat, you want to help. And ask her if you can prepare some meals for her family while she’s run off her feet? Very gentle start because she’s probably feeling deeply vulnerable and anxious. Once she’s accepted a small level of help, I can imagine you would be a real rock to her. 💐

Thanks for your reply! I did wonder that too, however don’t want to not invite based on that If you see what I mean. I think a note is a lovely idea, also will give her time to read it and decide in private, hopefully we can build a friendship from there!

OP posts:
Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 01:44

Great food for thought, thank you x

OP posts:
Larkslane · 30/07/2023 01:47

I wouldn’t be thrilled with an invitation to dinner or to accept a meal from a virtual stranger. It would give me a headache having to work out how to refuse gratefully.
Maybe drop a game in for the children, or a colouring activity and some nice fruit it or a home baked cake. It might show that you are there if needed but are not going to be intrusive, if you are not.

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 01:50

LeeHarper5 · 30/07/2023 01:25

When I was in that situation people would say ‘Just ask if there’s anything I can do to help.’ However it’s really, really hard to ask for help.

Things that helped me were practical things such as my neighbour would cut my lawn when he did his, he never asked, he just did it. Another would pull my bin out on bin days. My Mum would say ‘Give me your washing.’ and I’d hand it over, she knew if she asked the question ‘Do you want me to take your washing?’ I’d say No it’s ok. Another would just check in via WhatsApp a couple of times a week but with no expectation of a reply… just letting me know I was in her thoughts. My sister would bring picky food knowing I couldn’t always face eating a full meal.

Perhaps start with a nice card with a note along the lines of what you have said here. Mention that you have experienced, as a young child, having a very poorly parent. Next time you see her tell her you’re making a coffee if they have time you’d love for them to join you.

You sound like a lovely neighbour. 💐

Thanks so much for this! I had vaguely thought of a few similar things but her front garden is gravel and dont think I’ll be invited for laundry- but up for giving help either way!

I agree it’s really hard to take people up on their offer of ‘help’ as I feel a lot of offers are empty/ time restricted etc…

Really great idea about picky food- I love picky food, really makes sure I still eat even when busy/distracted! I will definitely do this and put it with a note offering support from next door!
thank you 🙏🏼

OP posts:
Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 01:59

Larkslane · 30/07/2023 01:47

I wouldn’t be thrilled with an invitation to dinner or to accept a meal from a virtual stranger. It would give me a headache having to work out how to refuse gratefully.
Maybe drop a game in for the children, or a colouring activity and some nice fruit it or a home baked cake. It might show that you are there if needed but are not going to be intrusive, if you are not.

Thank you. I think the consensus is definitely more to drop off some sort of dinner, let her know I am here for her/kids if needed and take her lead.
thanks for your reply. Certainly do not want to make her fro uncomfortable!

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/07/2023 01:59

You sound lovely and like a fantastic neighbour, however perhaps now isn’t the time to push a friendship with her. She sounds as though she has a lot on her plate, making friends probably isn’t the top of her priority list. I’d maybe ask if the kids like macaroni cheese/lasagna (whatever else food people usually eat), say you’ve made too much and would they like some. A formal sit down make friends meal might just be too much for her

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 02:02

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/07/2023 01:59

You sound lovely and like a fantastic neighbour, however perhaps now isn’t the time to push a friendship with her. She sounds as though she has a lot on her plate, making friends probably isn’t the top of her priority list. I’d maybe ask if the kids like macaroni cheese/lasagna (whatever else food people usually eat), say you’ve made too much and would they like some. A formal sit down make friends meal might just be too much for her

Thanks for your reply!
I am learning more and more through replies to not invite to dinner and to offer a meal and step back! Not sure I’m pushing for a friendship, however just want her to know I am here and I care :)

OP posts:
Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 30/07/2023 02:07

@HP89 I didn’t mean push a friendship in a negative way, I’m sorry it came across like that! We say “you push a friendship” if you’re trying to make a friend or “you push a walk” if you’re going for an after dinner walk. Sometimes forget to type queens English.

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 02:14

Thanks- that’s ok! Grateful for your input!

OP posts:
WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 02:25

I"m a bit like you OP - I'll rise to help anyone. But I've come to recognise I'm a rescuer and that can actually be quite intrusive for people, so I make sure I don't try to be too helpful. I've come to learn through hard times myself that there really is nothing worse at such as time as when you have someone who wants to be the hero and pushes to insert themselves into your life. It's a bit akin to grief vultures. Just bring around a meal or some baking, let her know you're there, ask how her husband is if you happen to talk to her, and then step back and let her take the lead. She may feel she is coping perfectly well and it isn't fun when someone feels you need help when you don't. Just another way of looking at it.

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 02:34

WannaBeRecluse · 30/07/2023 02:25

I"m a bit like you OP - I'll rise to help anyone. But I've come to recognise I'm a rescuer and that can actually be quite intrusive for people, so I make sure I don't try to be too helpful. I've come to learn through hard times myself that there really is nothing worse at such as time as when you have someone who wants to be the hero and pushes to insert themselves into your life. It's a bit akin to grief vultures. Just bring around a meal or some baking, let her know you're there, ask how her husband is if you happen to talk to her, and then step back and let her take the lead. She may feel she is coping perfectly well and it isn't fun when someone feels you need help when you don't. Just another way of looking at it.

Definitely am not a “grief vulture”, nor am I trying to push/inset myself into her life or be a “hero”.
Just a concerned neighbour wanting to help ease the burden of everyday life for a young family if possible ( as many neighbours did for me when my mum was sick/died). If she is not interested in my picky food offers, I will gladly back off and wave from a distance.

OP posts:
EarWigJo · 30/07/2023 02:56

Do you have any children of similar age to hers?

If so - Maybe invite hers over to play with yours.

It would give her a break (or at least lighten the load if she has 1 or 2 less to look after for an hour or two)

And it would be a good distraction for the kids (especially the 7 y/o - I was about that age when my Mum was diagnosed. I knew that "something" was going on, even though I didn't understand what).

derrydee · 30/07/2023 02:59

I would drop a cake or brownies over with a note and go from there. I think a meal might be more problematic (not with overstepping but you never know dietary requirements etc and cake is easy to share with other people calling in etc!).

I would be happy to have that support from a neighbour.

Original poster
HP89 · 30/07/2023 03:00

EarWigJo · 30/07/2023 02:56

Do you have any children of similar age to hers?

If so - Maybe invite hers over to play with yours.

It would give her a break (or at least lighten the load if she has 1 or 2 less to look after for an hour or two)

And it would be a good distraction for the kids (especially the 7 y/o - I was about that age when my Mum was diagnosed. I knew that "something" was going on, even though I didn't understand what).

Thanks so much for your reply! No, sadly we are TTC and have no children (am mainly on MN for TTC forums).
Do feel a little bit like the creepy neighbours with no kids who’ve offered to babysit 😔 would’ve loved to offer that though. We do have a 7ft fish tank and some rabbits which I feel might occupy some of the children, but not the same!

OP posts: