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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask my neighbour over for dinner ?

44 replies

HP89 · 30/07/2023 00:28

Hello!
we have a neighbour who has a husband who is very unwell.
I know he has previously had cancer and recently been admitted again. when seeing the neighbour (wife) last week she shared her husband is in intensive care and got quite teary. She had 3 children (my best guess is around 3,4 and 7?).

I really want to help her, and let her know she has a friend next door, but I also don’t want to intrude. I was thinking of asking her over for dinner with her kids? I had, in passing, offered to look over them if she needed to go to the hospital at short notice etc… I don’t think she would take me up on this as we barely know eachother and seems to have a lot of family help so fair enough!

The problem is we haven’t made a real friendship in the time we’ve been neighbours. We go away a lot and so do they.

I’ve lost a parent young and I really feel for her.
I really want to help and show support as I can’t imagine how I would cope in her shoes. I thought about making some meals but don’t dare Incase of allergies or intolerances.

what can I do/ offer to do to help? I don’t want her to think we’re looking at her as a charity case, and I don’t want to overstep. Have you been in her situation? How would you have liked neighbours to act?

thanks In advance!

OP posts:

Original poster

HP89 · 30/07/2023 03:02

derrydee · 30/07/2023 02:59

I would drop a cake or brownies over with a note and go from there. I think a meal might be more problematic (not with overstepping but you never know dietary requirements etc and cake is easy to share with other people calling in etc!).

I would be happy to have that support from a neighbour.

Cake is an excellent idea- thank you!!

OP posts:

Ohyousillydivvy · 30/07/2023 04:24

Send over a pot meal first as an ice breaker and then invite her over for dinner another time.

StrawberrySquash · 30/07/2023 04:30

Larkslane · 30/07/2023 01:47

I wouldn’t be thrilled with an invitation to dinner or to accept a meal from a virtual stranger. It would give me a headache having to work out how to refuse gratefully.
Maybe drop a game in for the children, or a colouring activity and some nice fruit it or a home baked cake. It might show that you are there if needed but are not going to be intrusive, if you are not.

You could say something along the lines of 'I won't be offended if you refuse. I know you have a lot to deal with so it's okay if this feels like too much.' Gives her an out if she can't face it.

MRex · 30/07/2023 04:58

Taking over some food is nice, it shows you can do practical stuff. Reiterating offers of help is useful too. Unfortunately you can't make this easier for her, but it's still a kind thing to do.

electriclight · 30/07/2023 05:09

You sounds very kind op. I agree with pp that a note is a good place to start, maybe with homemade cakes or biscuits that the children will love. This elevates your offer above 'empty gesture' without intruding.

Wheredoistart78 · 30/07/2023 05:09

You sound like a wonderful person op. I love helping others x

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 30/07/2023 05:30

I made soups and muffins for my nieghbour when her dh was hospitalized. She was appreciative as she did not have much appetite due to stress, and tiredness from day after day at the hospital by her dh's side, as much as she was allowed to be. I am sure your neighbour can use all the kind gestures she can get.

Yoyoban · 30/07/2023 05:39

I agree with pp's to take food. It's practical and non-intrusive. I know my family really appreciated it when my neighbour brought us food when my Dad was in hospital.

Cake or similar is nice, but I'd go for savoury first, a sweet treat can be an add-on if you wish, but a meal is really much more helpful.

Say you made an extra and ask about allergies/dietary requirements when you take it round - making it clear she can decline the offer if it's not suitable, (make something you would eat/you can freeze to eat another time, so it won't go to waste if she and her family can't eat it) and then you'll know for the next time what would be suitable to make.

Yoyoban · 30/07/2023 05:44

The previous poster has reminded me our neighbour brought us soup which went down well, as did quiche and daal.

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 30/07/2023 06:25

I think you could do the above and also mention in your note that you have fish and rabbits the children might like abd invite her for coffee one morning and say you won’t be offended if she’s not up for it. Then she can have one cup of tea and leave if she doesn’t feel up to much

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 30/07/2023 06:26

Ps with children that are she light really welcome the opportunity for a quick and easy outing that gets the children out with very little effort

Thankgoodnessforabitofsun · 30/07/2023 06:27

With children that age she might..

Doingmybest12 · 30/07/2023 06:37

I think she might stress about bringing 3 young children for a meal at a strangers house. You might know you are relaxed about things but she might still feel the pressure. To be honest if she's got lots of friends and family she might find it intrusive if you push this a lot. What about asking if you can fetch her anything when you go shopping as a starter and see how things naturally develop. As in I am going tomorrow am do you need anything rather than vague contact me if you do. She just needs to know you are friendly if needed but not feel pressured. It might be afterwards and for the longer haul that your support will be more needed.

WandaWonder · 30/07/2023 06:38

I don't think there is any problems asking but you will have to feel ok if she doesn't, it should be about her and helping her and not doing it just to make you to feel better

ActDottie · 30/07/2023 06:52

Maybe start by inviting her round for a cup of tea

Luucylu · 30/07/2023 06:55

It sounds like she’s going through a dreadful time and you sound very kind.

I really like someone else’s suggestion of helping with practical things- gardening, bins, etc.

These don’t really require anything back from her, but is still helpful and shows her you care.

CurlewKate · 30/07/2023 07:17

Dinner might be a bit intense? You could ask them over for coffee and cake maybe? Then she doesnNt have to stay long if she doesn't want to.

Aubree17 · 30/07/2023 07:19

I'm glad there are people like you in the world.

I would be delighted if you were my neighbour.

She sounds like she has a LOT on at the moment that a sit down dinner probably isn't ideal.

I would drop off some cakes or flowers, reiterate that you are thinking of her and not to hesitate to ask if she needs anything.

GoodChat · 30/07/2023 07:24

You sound lovely OP.

When you're going shopping perhaps a quick knock on the door to ask if there's anything she needs so she doesn't need to worry about getting out herself, or if you online order offer to order hers too so she doesn't need to worry about being home in the delivery slot.

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