That my mum is hardly talking to me because she thinks I see my MIL more than I do?

[Extremelymadmoter]

It really is that simple. My mum had never taken kindly to any of my siblings or I getting on with our inlaws and despite constantly saying 'they're no threat to me' (when no one else mentions a threat), she will mock us if we get on with them 'oh you're in love with them aren't you! Aren't they wonderful (sarcastically)' and then if anything positive has ever been said about our in-laws, 'well I must be the awful parent then! Oh yes, what an awful mother I am'. Any time she happens to see my mother-in-law she watches out for 'crimes' that she commits in order to point score. For example, a few years ago my MIL took a fairly long phone call at our son's birthday party and that has NEVER been dropped.

The last couple of years as my children have got older, I have gone back to work full time. I don't have time to see my mum in the week anymore. She has never helped with childcare etc, so there is no regular visits

In the last month just as an example, we've been out for a family meal, I took my mum out for a birthday lunch and last week I went round for the day with all the children. During this say, I popped out to the shop and my mum quizzed my children on how often we see my MIL.
Now my mum has form for trying to catch me and my siblings out. As I child I remember watching in terror when Mum was talking to other school mums incase some wrongdoing of mine came out. My children immediately told me they'd been quizzed, and that they'd said they that they see my MIL at my son's football matches.

My MIL is a very autistic lady, who lives alone, has literally no friends and we see her on average every 6 weeks. This is because my MIL wouldn't cope with anymore 😆 My Mum simply doesn't believe this is all we see her. My mum also believes that my MIL 'gets away with bad behaviour without being taken to task', but that I will always pull my Mum up on things. This is again absolutely not true, but tbh, my MIL doesn't do alot to 'pull her up on'. She places no demands on us and lives a very simple life. She comes and watches the odd football match and occasionally has a cup of tea after.

When I got back from the shop, the atmosphere had changed and my mum was very off with me. I am very tuned into this behaviour after being trained through childhood and predicted she had 'caught me out' on something.

Yesterday, I got a text asking me why I told her I only see my MIL every 6 weeks, and how 'amazing' my MIL must be to be invited to our son's football matches as 'she never is' and again how it makes her mad that we don't 'pull your MIL up on her behaviours but she is fair game'.

I just sat in disbelief and once again confirmed that I do only see my MIL every 6 weeks, and that it's almost a year ago that this last blew up. She doesnt believe me, but whatever.

I am just in utter disbelief. For a start, it IS the truth and I now understand why 'little girl me' self harmed out of pure frustration. But secondly, what if I did see my MIL every day FFS..why does it matter??

My mum is absolutely ruining our relationship with this, not to mention her general twattery with thijfs like this that I've spent a fortune on therapy for.
But genuinely NOTHING I say to mum would stop her. She is ALWAYS right and will never back down. In her imagination, I am with my MIL 24/7 and I can't stop her as she thinks I'm lying

AIBU to be sick of this? She text me today about something unrelated and I just can't be bothered to reply. But of course, I'll be to blame for that too as my mum is godlike (in her mind)

You mum needs to grow up. Stop explaining how often you see your in laws, you're feeding into her batshit craziness.

I wouldn't be explaining or justifying anything to her. Only respond to messages that aren't quizzing or criticising . If she asks tell her you are reducing the negativity in your life.

She does, but she's 76 so won't change. It's exhausting

Wow she's very toxic and jealous isn't she. Her behaviour will impact your children if you allow them to spend time together, how awful for you and anyone close to her.
You do not need to explain yourself to her, she won't believe it anyway and you will only get frustrated trying to console her

Second sentence in and your mum is toxic. Tell her as little as possible. Protect your own mental health.

I’d be very tempted to tell her to fuck off, and enjoy at least 6 months of her not speaking to you…

Even if you don’t go nuclear I think you need to be blunt and tell her to mind her own business. Don’t feed into the dynamics of being caught/told off anymore. You aren’t doing anything wrong!

I agree. She's been doing this to you all her life, it's how she is, and she'll do it to your kids next.

Best thing to do is progressively reduce contact, and in the meantime refuse to enter into conversations about your MIL.

She reminds me of my late mother who was also jealous of my MIL. She used exactly the same words like the sarcastic "what an awful mother I am". Life was much better when I went very low contact.

I now understand why 'little girl me' self harmed out of pure frustration.

That little girl is still there somewhere inside you. But she's your mum and so you keep going back for more hoping that one day she'll have a lightbulb moment and become a 'proper' mum.

Be nice to that little girl. Tell her she won't be hurt again. And then detach. Stop trying to placate her. No more lunches, no more visiting for the day. For whatever reason your mother is very bitter. Maybe she's someone who's only happy when she's miserable. But you don't have bear the brunt of it. And if it seems too hard to do it for you, do it for the DCs. They're already starting to see her behaviour for what it is. Do you want them to have to suffer the same negativity, the same theatrics?

Yes she's totally toxic. This time last year after my MIL's 'party phone call', my mum threw all the same accusations at me and we didn't talk for several months. I wouldn't back down and said that my mum's obsession with my MIL is unhealthy and ruining our relationship. I put alot of boundaries up which I've stuck to (it helped going back to work full time as the 'excuse') but here we are again with the same comments.
We only started talking again as she said we have to 'agree to disagree'🙄

This pattern was the same with my dad's family. They were 'awful' according to mum and only her family were nice...

Thank you. How low contact did you go?

We arw actually moving 6 hours away next year....by design

You’ve had a name change fail OP.

You know she’s awful, you know she harmed you terribly as a child and continues to do so, you know she’s not damaging to your own children. You need to protect them from her, and yourself.

My mum’s mum was a complicated woman and at times a real piece of work. She was crippled with jealousy at the relationship mum had with her MIL, even after my parents divorced. She was so bitter she went to my dad’s mum’s funeral and then loudly slagged off the food at the wake, as if my then recently deceased granny was to blame.

You can’t reason with people like this. You can’t impress them. You can’t make them be the people you want and wish you could have. All you can do is limit the damage they can cause and protect yourself.

Thank you so much. You're so right that the little girl me is still there, hoping her mum will change.
No way do I ever want my children to experience what I did.

Awful. My sister has that too. How dare she take up our time (phone calls). Its a control thing. Its like point scoring. Pathetic behaviour. Low contact with these people.

You’re not being unreasonable.

First, refuse point blank to discuss your MIL with her. Don’t explain anything or try to justify anything. If she asks why, just tell her straight.

Second, progressively reduce contact with her. She’s bringing nothing to your life.

Sorry, it went back to my old username. Sorry for any confusion

My patience for extreme adult behavior is at a low. I would simply tell her "enough" and to stop.

Have a look at Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube. Some interesting observations and one which may be from there or somewhere else is that the issue when you're a kid is you have no control and need to survive, so you learn to manage the batshit behaviour.

Now you're an adult and can control what goes on. Not your mum but how much you take on of that behaviour.

No advice, just total empathy.

My mother cannot stand my in laws. They are all generally decent people; very unlike my own family, have their flaws (like everyone) but never make any problems and we all get along fine.

My mum cannot stand them. They are all very successful, wealthy and highly educated and my mum constantly finds ways to criticise their professions, finances and education. If I mention that one of them is away on a work trip she will roll her eyes or make this incredibly annoying look where I've told her something really cringey and embarrassing. She tries to make me feel like I'm an idiot for not having a problem with their lifestyles when I could not care less!

She will ask me how my PILs or SILs are doing and no matter what I say, she always finds some way to make a comment. Sometimes, I will mention how they are doing something that's totally morally neutral and nobody's business and mum does a key sign beside her lips and says 'I'm saying nothing' or 'I better hold my tongue'. Its the weirdest thing ever and now if she tries to make any kind of inquiry about how my in laws are doing, I shut it down pretty quickly. She absolutely hates the fact that I don't join in with the bitching, but the reality is that my husband is a good man and he loves them.

You need to deflect until you don't feel responsible for her raging insecurity. Either take sarcasm as though she's being genuine "how nice" "yes it was" or ignore her and move on. I hate this behaviour and just want to use a water spray to train people out of it (mostly joking)

How do you stop feeling responsible for someone else's emotions if that's how you've been raised? Genuine question !

Therapy, lots of retraining yourself. I still find it hard

Also, I 2nd looking up the crappy childhood fairy on youtube. She makes alot of sense

My mother was like this with me and my MIL. Utterly utterly jealous of her, mainly because MIL and FIL were still together, owned their own home and had nice holidays. My mother on the other hand had 3 children with a man who didn't want children (first got pregnant less than 6 months after meeting him). My father also cheated on my mother for the whole of their 20 odd year marriage, finally leaving my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21. My MIL had also gone back to work when my husband had started school, spent 10 years studying part time to be a teacher and started teaching the same year my husband started secondary school...my mother was a SAHM her whole marriage, she expected my father to financially support her for the rest of her life because she'd had his children.

I couldn't say a single positive thing about my MIL or my mother would react like yours. It was so utterly pathetic ... my mother used to say horrible bitchy things about her all the time 'oh she had it easier, she only had one child'...err Mum, you and Dad were so wealthy we had servants ffs, it's not like you spent your days doing housework/cooking....

All this only stopped when MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer at 67. She died 4 months after turning 70. That was 13 years ago, my mother is still alive and kicking. I couldn't resist saying at the time 'nothing to be envious about now, hey?' to her.

If you haven't heard of it, look up the grey rock method. x

Wow this psychologist is fantastic. I bavent heard of her. Thank you