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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want some of his time and effort too

38 replies

Croco · 29/07/2023 14:52

My partner has a hobby which takes up a lot of his time. A few times in the week after work and for several hours on Saturday. We have had disagreements in the past about it but he has explained how much this hobby means to him and that it won’t be forever. As much as it still bothers me, I have learnt to accept it and said to him that it’s fine but I want the same effort, I don’t want to keep feeling second best. I explained how I’d appreciate if we did things as a couple once in a while. Going out for a meal, a few drinks or the cinema etc. He said that’s absolutely ok and that he will start putting the effort in. We had this discussion 5 weeks ago and he still hasn’t arranged any plans for us. My parents and his are available to baby sit so we don’t struggle with childcare. I know I could plan things but I don’t see why I should. I genuinely feel close to ending things if he doesn’t change. Aibu to expect more effort from him and to end things if things don’t change?

OP posts:

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 29/07/2023 14:58

Would you not feel that he's only spending time with you because you've asked him though? And that his head is still with his hobby?

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 14:59

Why does he think it will change?

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:02

@VeterinaryCareAssistant Yep this is what I’ve thought too.

@Olderandolder Not a clue!

OP posts:

midgetastic · 29/07/2023 15:26

Why haven't you arranged a plan And suggested it ?

AssertiveGertrude · 29/07/2023 15:32

Well he’s telling you what he thinks of you. In the early days of marriage and kids my dh went to his mothers all day of a Saturday and I nearly left him over it. I let it boil up inside me for ages but he worked long hours during the week and then did that to me of a Saturday. His mother thought he showed me so much respect as he used to land back at 6pm for dinner !!!

anyway it nearly broke us but he never does it now

i think it’s ultimatum time for you and your dh

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:34

@midgetastic Because I don’t see why I should have to. It’s annoyed me that I should even have to bring it up myself in the first place

OP posts:

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 29/07/2023 15:35

If he wanted to make plans with you, he would.

He's telling you exactly how he feels - please listen to him.

midgetastic · 29/07/2023 15:36

But he's happy either way and you are not?

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:36

@midgetastic Pretty much

OP posts:

Lavender14 · 29/07/2023 15:40

I think you need to maybe sit down and discuss something more concrete. For example dh works long and often antisocial hours, he has two hobbies that take him out at least twice a week and we have a newish baby. We agreed that Friday night is date night every week even if its just in the just watching movies with a drink and snacks. And once a month we go on a date day (our choice to bring the bub) and we take it in turns to plan that. Every whack about we will drop ds at his GPs and do something without him. I think if you want to see a change you need to sit down together and discuss it and what is actually reasonable and what you expect to do in the time you're setting aside as family/ couple time. I agree in an ideal world you wouldn't have to tell him this, but in reality communication is everything so I would be more explicit about it and I'd tell him you're disappointed that in the last 5 weeks he's not planned anything. You need to be clear with him that the current way of going is making you miserable and its not sustainable. Then see what he does. If he can't do both then he needs to step back from the hobby.

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:41

@Lavender14 Thank you, this is a good idea!

OP posts:

Merryoldgoat · 29/07/2023 15:50

Hobbies are great. They’re important for lots of reasons and should be encouraged.

But they can’t encroach on family life like this. It’s selfish and the fact he doesn’t see it himself would make me very angry in your shoes.

DH and I used to act, dance, do martial arts, cinema, boardgames and more before kids.

Now? Not so much. Life changes and he needs to get with the program.

If he can’t incorporate family life into his hobbies then he shouldn’t be doing them.

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:54

What makes it more difficult is that we have 2 DC. One with fairly obvious autism Although we haven’t got a dx yet, he is extremely hard work and I need the me and him time more than ever

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 15:59

Dh, we talked about couple time. It’s been 5 weeks since then, so perhaps you misunderstood. What I meant is I NEED to see you put some effort into us, into me, as I see all the effort and focus your hobby gets and I feel like I just get the dregs. I’m worth more than the dregs. Please plan something, or I will be announcing we have separate contact weekends where you are solely responsible for dc one weekend then I am solely responsible the next weekend, etc, and at least I will get some time to focus on me, and if it stuffs up your hobby do I look like I care? We don’t have to get to that point, but that’s where we are headed. It’s up to you now.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 29/07/2023 16:01

I feel you @Croco.
Dh recently (about 6/7months ago) started a new hobby which he spends 3hours on every evening! And sometimes even more at the weekends. Its got to the point that he is choosing to spend time on his hobby than spend time with the dc(7&11).
When we've argued over it he just says he's entitled to have a hobby and if I wanted to go out 7nights a week on my hobbies then I could too. When I suggested maybe 3 nights on his, I could have 3 nights on mine and then we had one night together he said 3 nights isn't enough and he won't do that.
I planned a date night 2 weeks ago as an attempt to prioritise us, and said he was to arrange the next one (like you, no babysitting issues as family around to help) but so far nothing. Spending time with me is not a priority in his eyes.
We have a big holiday at the end of august, I'm holding out for then but then intend to split because I don't want to live like this no more. And tbh, I've lost total respect for him over it.

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 16:07

@Codlingmoths Thank you! I may well have to say this to him!

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease Sounds exactly like my dp! Whenever I’ve said things he says “well you should try and get a hobby, I would never stop you”. Then recommends things like knitting🤔 I mean there’s nothing wrong with knitting but I’m 28 and he knows full well I wouldn’t take up knitting. The usual “I’d never stop you going out” it is draining trying to get him to listen.

OP posts:

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/07/2023 16:11

I know you think you have told him your expectations but he hasn't heard. Try again and be very explicit - you need to feel that he is devoting time AND thought to you. If you want one evening a week as a couple and one day at the weekend as a family say that, perhaps you take turn about organising. You can't force someone to care but you can set out the action you would like them to follow.

CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease · 29/07/2023 16:17

Yeah filling every evening with a hobby will not change the fact that we are being completely neglected in our relationships. I honestly feel invisible to him now, and wouldn't even say I'm second best because I'm not even close to the top of the pile right now. Just the dregs like you said. All I'm good for is to cook, clean and shag.
I just can't believe he is going to throw away a 13yr relationship, a marriage, and a stable home for our kids over a hobby.
His favourite one to throw out is "well I could be down the pub every evening like some men, but I'm not". Like I should be grateful (grateful? Ha!) that he comes home.
We've even had a couples counselling session about a month ago, at his suggestion. Things improved for a week and then that's it.
We deserve so much more, we deserve to be a priority. Hobbies are great, but family should always come first

SleepingStandingUp · 29/07/2023 16:20

Is it a new hobby then? Or did you have kids with him knowing you were less important than his football / bike / dungeons and dragons?

Cos if it's the latter he's showing you he has no intention of ever changing.

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 16:33

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease Yep I’ve also heard the “well such a body does this, such a body does that and their partner doesn’t moan” I don’t care about what other people are prepared to put up with, it doesn’t mean what you are doing makes it ok. I am starting to really resent him now. He comes home from work, has a brew made for him, has his tea made, thinks he can have sex whenever he wants. Bore off! Has the cheek to complain when I say no to sex…maybe because I’ve been looking after our children all day with no help and I am completely exhausted. The last thing I fancy is having sex with someone who clearly doesn’t give a shit about me

@SleepingStandingUp It’s not a new hobby, when we met I knew about it, but it’s been more often the past couple of years. Basically, it’s football. When we met it was just on a Sunday which was completely fine. Then he got invited to play Saturdays. He told me it would be training once a week, then a local match on Saturdays. He said he would only be out of the house on Saturdays for a few hours. Well now it is x3 a week training and several hours on a Saturday. In a few weeks he is playing in Isle of Man which means he has to travel by plane. A part of me is wondering if he knew all along and just played it down

OP posts:

FrangipaniBlue · 29/07/2023 16:35

Croco · 29/07/2023 15:34

@midgetastic Because I don’t see why I should have to. It’s annoyed me that I should even have to bring it up myself in the first place

Maybe he feels the same?

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 16:38

@FrangipaniBlue Well if he does then he is free to leave. I’m the one at home all day everyday looking after his children and doing the the house work while he swans off and does what he likes🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:

midgetastic · 29/07/2023 16:45

But you are coming across as princess passive

Tell him what you want

He makes what he wants happen and you expect him to make what you want happen also ?

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 16:46

Oh and he gets paid to play football..not much but thinks throwing it at me will make a difference

OP posts:

Original poster

Croco · 29/07/2023 16:51

@midgetastic I have told him what I want?Not quite sure what more I can do apart from leave him

OP posts:

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