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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My sister and me

35 replies

Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 14:43

Hello everybody,

I just wanted everybody’s opinion about something that's really upsetting me.

It’s a long story. My sister and I inherited some money recently, we're both in our 40s with three children and stepchildren each.

I suggested about a year ago that following bereavements of the family and my husband being seriously ill a couple of years ago we should buy a property together abroad and use it as a holiday home for the two families. We’ve always been really close and the cousins are too.
I’ve also always been very close to my sister and her husband and I thought it’d be an ideal way to all spend time together.

My sister and I and my husband and her husband all seemed really keen on the idea.
We started looking at properties and even engaged an agent. I did loads of research and after discussing it lots of times we asked if they were really sure and they assured us they were. My sister booked flights, my husband and I both cancelled work for that week and everything seemed to be really good.

At the last minute though my sister changed her mind. I totally understand if she decided that she couldn't afford it or changed just changed her mind, however she told me by text and didn’t even really apologise.

My husband and I were really upset about it her seemingly casual attitude to it all. We expected a proper apology or explanation.

We then went to their house over Christmas and I admit I wasn’t in a very good mood when we went there as I was still hoping for an apology but she didn’t mention it.

The atmosphere wasn't good that day and since they have decided not to speak to us again. I admit I should have been in a better mood on that day and i really regret it, however I think they really let us down. There’s more to it but it could be really outing so I have to be careful...

Time has gone on now, and it's now about eight months since we went there and it seems that they will never speak to us again. I don’t know what to do. I wrote them a letter saying how we felt about the property but apologising for my mood that day. I said how much I cared about them and how sad it was for the children who were close cousins. They haven’t answered us and I don’t know how to move forward with all this.

Can anyone offer any advice? I would be really grateful.

OP posts:
Testina · 29/07/2023 14:46

“There’s more to it but it could be really outing so I have to be careful...”

I understand you can’t say so I’m not trying to dig it out of you with this comment but, this thread is pointless without this info, I feel.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 14:48

Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 14:43

Hello everybody,

I just wanted everybody’s opinion about something that's really upsetting me.

It’s a long story. My sister and I inherited some money recently, we're both in our 40s with three children and stepchildren each.

I suggested about a year ago that following bereavements of the family and my husband being seriously ill a couple of years ago we should buy a property together abroad and use it as a holiday home for the two families. We’ve always been really close and the cousins are too.
I’ve also always been very close to my sister and her husband and I thought it’d be an ideal way to all spend time together.

My sister and I and my husband and her husband all seemed really keen on the idea.
We started looking at properties and even engaged an agent. I did loads of research and after discussing it lots of times we asked if they were really sure and they assured us they were. My sister booked flights, my husband and I both cancelled work for that week and everything seemed to be really good.

At the last minute though my sister changed her mind. I totally understand if she decided that she couldn't afford it or changed just changed her mind, however she told me by text and didn’t even really apologise.

My husband and I were really upset about it her seemingly casual attitude to it all. We expected a proper apology or explanation.

We then went to their house over Christmas and I admit I wasn’t in a very good mood when we went there as I was still hoping for an apology but she didn’t mention it.

The atmosphere wasn't good that day and since they have decided not to speak to us again. I admit I should have been in a better mood on that day and i really regret it, however I think they really let us down. There’s more to it but it could be really outing so I have to be careful...

Time has gone on now, and it's now about eight months since we went there and it seems that they will never speak to us again. I don’t know what to do. I wrote them a letter saying how we felt about the property but apologising for my mood that day. I said how much I cared about them and how sad it was for the children who were close cousins. They haven’t answered us and I don’t know how to move forward with all this.

Can anyone offer any advice? I would be really grateful.

Definitely don’t buy a house together.

Testina · 29/07/2023 14:48

I will say, your insistence on an apology seems a bit much. It’s a major investment, I don’t think she owes you an apology as such.

SadKen82 · 29/07/2023 14:49

Meh. They changed their minds about spending a very large amount of their own money, which they're entitled to do.

I don't really understand the need for a big formal apology. You seem to think they've done something terrible to you?

Kic · 29/07/2023 14:52

I'm curious as to how you behaved during your "bad mood" when you went to visit her.

Original poster
Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 14:54

I just would have hoped they'd have at least have explained face to face or on the phone rather by text. And why they let it go so far.

Definitely we've all dodged a bullet, I'm so glad now it didn't happen. Just expected a but more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 14:55

I was just quiet. Nothing more.

OP posts:
Daffidale · 29/07/2023 14:57

If you want a relationship with them you need to collectively move on from the property (you) and your behaviour at Christmas (them). Writing then a letter was a bit odd IMO. That would seem super formal coming from a close sister. Have you called or visited her to talk about it properly?

I think you should apologise for Christmas, say you really value the relationship and want to reset and move on - including from whatever other issues there are you fry you couldn’t share here.

Testina · 29/07/2023 15:00

“And why they let it go so far.”

Well how far did it even go? It just sounds like you’d chosen a location and we’re going to go visit several? Not withdrawing after offer?

This plan has been over the last year, right? A year of spiralling fear over the cost of living for many, mortgage increases, huge climate talk in recent months (will flights balloon in price?) etc etc.

Even without all that, it can take things getting “that far” to realise - no, I don’t want to plough my one time chunk of money into a property that’s shared and I can’t use all the time.

I’d expect a light, “sorry to pull out” but you come across like you were wanting much more?

Original poster
Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 15:00

That's exactly what I said in the letter. I thought a letter was more personal than for example a text. I had already texted saying I'd really like to meet up so that's why I wrote a letter.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 29/07/2023 15:02

SadKen82 · 29/07/2023 14:49

Meh. They changed their minds about spending a very large amount of their own money, which they're entitled to do.

I don't really understand the need for a big formal apology. You seem to think they've done something terrible to you?

This, you want them to apologise for not wanting to spend their money as you wanted to?
They booked flights, had you? Was the letter you sent chastising them again?

xPeaceXx · 29/07/2023 15:02

I think it's for the best that this plan fell apart early. Buying a house abroad would involve a lot of administration and organisation and practical work. Sharing this labour out would be a constant negotiation. It's a bad idea.

Use your money to give yourselves a holiday place. Or take a trip. Just spend your half your way. But expected 4 adults and children and step children to all find one plan that everybody is happy with is a tall fukcin' order and that's not a reflection on any one individual here.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/07/2023 15:04

How did you expect your sister to know you were so upset if you didn't tell her? Granted, most people have enough emotional intelligence to understand that if they back out of a big plan at the last minute, the other people involved are going to be upset. The fact is, we don't know if your sister fully realised how angry you actually were, and instead of talking to her about how you felt, you showed up at Christmas ruined it with your attitude.

So until you fill us in on the massive drip feed you inevitably have, YABU.

Trying2understand · 29/07/2023 15:09

@Bristoluser I can see you are hurting about the loss of the relationship. Something I try to remember is people often put into text what they are nervous/ashamed/worried about sharing on the phone or in person. Try not to let that be a 'thing' it really just shows maybe it was too hard to talk about and see/hear your reaction.

I don't think it was fair to give the cold shoulder b/c they didn't buy into a property with you. But I also see it's really clear you see that and have said sorry.

It must feel like a big loss for everyone.

If it were me I'd maybe wait until it's been a year (so another 4 months) and write a letter telling her again that you accept you really should have handled it better and it was wrong to expect more of them than they could do. Maybe ask how the kids can remain in contact if they still want space from you and your husband and that you love them etc but respect their need for space. Not sure how old the kids are but it's really unfortunate they are caught up in this. Maybe making it about them - are they old enough to go to the cineama together? Or a trampoline place? and take the pressure off your relationship.

Another thought, is there someone that could mediate?

I'm sure you are very hurt and feel this as a big loss. Hoping somehow things can get back on track.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/07/2023 15:22

It's hard to say without all the details of the other stuff you don't want to mention, but on the face of it it sounds like she maybe backed out by text the way she did because she was afraid of your reaction? Then you went for Christmas and sulked the whole time and that made her decide to detach completely. It sounds like there were issues in your relationship already and this might have been a final straw? Have you always been able to discuss your differences face to face, or is this a pattern? Is the dynamic of your relationship such that she could have felt pressured or bullied? As I said, impossible to tell without all the details and probably way off the mark. However it doesn't sound like how two people with an equal and healthy relationship would behave?

Nadal1966 · 29/07/2023 15:25

I think they changed their minds in investing in property abroad, and IMO rather than texting their change if heart, which is easy to convey their feelings, but in this case a face to face conversation would have had more chance to resolve, why, and dìscuss on both sides, practical and emotional feelings. Texting is really not appropriate and a cop out. But hey I am not perfect, my husband isn't and my family arent either. I can understand why you did not feel like shari g Christmas cheer with her, but and I am not saying you are right, but why is it you apologised for Christmas, but from I have read no resolving c9nversation has been forthcoming from them. Yes, perhaps it has made the situation more strained with Christmas day, but what is done is done. Has your husband tried to speak to them? The sooner you can sit all together and discuss the problem, the longer it will go on and they really need to explain why their change of heart. You and your husband can either agree to disagree and move on, but at least everone will know howmeach other is feeling. Hope you resolve this and wish you good luck.

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 15:31

I am guessing if this was her point of view the telling you by text is directly connected to the behaviour you displayed.

I bet she would say you behaviour at Christmas isn’t a one off. She knew your reaction would be extreme so told you by text. Then you spoilt their Christmas. If yiu were going to be obviously moody, you should have just not gone. Letting someone host you when you intend to be rude all day is really poor behaviour. Especially at Christmas. Not like it was just a run of the mill Sunday lunch.
You say she didn’t ‘ even really apologise’. So she didn’t apologise to some degree. Just not the proper apology you wanted.

So she apologised, just not as profusely as you wanted. And she didn’t give a full explanation. You aren’t entitled to an explanation. They changed their minds. That’s all you are entitled to know. Again, your assumption you should be entitled to a full explanation , reveals your attitude towards her. That’s probably why she isn’t speaking to you. Your general attitude and entitlement has pissed her off. That might be why she decided no to the property as well.

If you can’t afford a holiday home without them adding in money, that’s your issue. No one else’s. No one else has to justify why they don’t want to help you out.

CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 15:33

YANBU, they should have communicated their decision better.

It sounds like you were supposed to be grinning and bowing to them at Christmas to appease them. Are you usually the one who backs down?

Could you purchase a smaller property yourselves?

CherryMaDeara · 29/07/2023 15:36

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 15:31

I am guessing if this was her point of view the telling you by text is directly connected to the behaviour you displayed.

I bet she would say you behaviour at Christmas isn’t a one off. She knew your reaction would be extreme so told you by text. Then you spoilt their Christmas. If yiu were going to be obviously moody, you should have just not gone. Letting someone host you when you intend to be rude all day is really poor behaviour. Especially at Christmas. Not like it was just a run of the mill Sunday lunch.
You say she didn’t ‘ even really apologise’. So she didn’t apologise to some degree. Just not the proper apology you wanted.

So she apologised, just not as profusely as you wanted. And she didn’t give a full explanation. You aren’t entitled to an explanation. They changed their minds. That’s all you are entitled to know. Again, your assumption you should be entitled to a full explanation , reveals your attitude towards her. That’s probably why she isn’t speaking to you. Your general attitude and entitlement has pissed her off. That might be why she decided no to the property as well.

If you can’t afford a holiday home without them adding in money, that’s your issue. No one else’s. No one else has to justify why they don’t want to help you out.

You seem to have made up your own story.

And OP doesn’t even say they were there on Christmas Day, you’ve just made that up.

quietnightmare · 29/07/2023 15:37

They changed their mind

Let it go

Thatboymum · 29/07/2023 15:44

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 15:31

I am guessing if this was her point of view the telling you by text is directly connected to the behaviour you displayed.

I bet she would say you behaviour at Christmas isn’t a one off. She knew your reaction would be extreme so told you by text. Then you spoilt their Christmas. If yiu were going to be obviously moody, you should have just not gone. Letting someone host you when you intend to be rude all day is really poor behaviour. Especially at Christmas. Not like it was just a run of the mill Sunday lunch.
You say she didn’t ‘ even really apologise’. So she didn’t apologise to some degree. Just not the proper apology you wanted.

So she apologised, just not as profusely as you wanted. And she didn’t give a full explanation. You aren’t entitled to an explanation. They changed their minds. That’s all you are entitled to know. Again, your assumption you should be entitled to a full explanation , reveals your attitude towards her. That’s probably why she isn’t speaking to you. Your general attitude and entitlement has pissed her off. That might be why she decided no to the property as well.

If you can’t afford a holiday home without them adding in money, that’s your issue. No one else’s. No one else has to justify why they don’t want to help you out.

Agree with this I’ve taken from your op that she didn’t feel able to communicate to you in person because of your reaction, which you proved her rite about at Xmas but also that she may have felt coerced into the idea to keep you happy or please you so you didn’t then behave how you are now. I can kind of see why she’s cut her ties

Macaroni46 · 29/07/2023 15:47

Did you actually tell her that you were upset? To me, that seems the obvious thing to do rather than 'expecting an apology' and 'being quiet over Christmas'. Just use your words rather than being passive aggressive.
Your sister's allowed to change her mind but I do agree that she would've been better talking to you about it in person. Sounds like communication is poor in your family.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/07/2023 15:55

How big a property were you planning to buy if you thought it would give you the opportunity to spend more time together? Surely only one family would be there at a time? Perhaps your sister and her husband realised that constant negotiations would be needed if you co-owned a property.
Regardless, when she texted that they had changed their minds what was your response? Did you text or call back "That's a shame hope everything is OK?" Or did you wait months to visit at Christmas and sulk all day? Even your letter (not really less formal than a text, just more words) was part blame, part apology. If you want to say sorry just do that. Your sister may 'owe' you an apology for letting you invest time and energy into looking for a holiday home but she doesn't have to explain why she changed her mind.

Caprisunny · 29/07/2023 16:02

This reply has been deleted

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Heyhoherewegoagain · 29/07/2023 16:04

Bristoluser · 29/07/2023 14:55

I was just quiet. Nothing more.

So you were in the huff!