My sister and me

[Bristoluser]

Hello everybody,

I just wanted everybody’s opinion about something that's really upsetting me.

It’s a long story. My sister and I inherited some money recently, we're both in our 40s with three children and stepchildren each.

I suggested about a year ago that following bereavements of the family and my husband being seriously ill a couple of years ago we should buy a property together abroad and use it as a holiday home for the two families. We’ve always been really close and the cousins are too.
I’ve also always been very close to my sister and her husband and I thought it’d be an ideal way to all spend time together.

My sister and I and my husband and her husband all seemed really keen on the idea.
We started looking at properties and even engaged an agent. I did loads of research and after discussing it lots of times we asked if they were really sure and they assured us they were. My sister booked flights, my husband and I both cancelled work for that week and everything seemed to be really good.

At the last minute though my sister changed her mind. I totally understand if she decided that she couldn't afford it or changed just changed her mind, however she told me by text and didn’t even really apologise.

My husband and I were really upset about it her seemingly casual attitude to it all. We expected a proper apology or explanation.

We then went to their house over Christmas and I admit I wasn’t in a very good mood when we went there as I was still hoping for an apology but she didn’t mention it.

The atmosphere wasn't good that day and since they have decided not to speak to us again. I admit I should have been in a better mood on that day and i really regret it, however I think they really let us down. There’s more to it but it could be really outing so I have to be careful...

Time has gone on now, and it's now about eight months since we went there and it seems that they will never speak to us again. I don’t know what to do. I wrote them a letter saying how we felt about the property but apologising for my mood that day. I said how much I cared about them and how sad it was for the children who were close cousins. They haven’t answered us and I don’t know how to move forward with all this.

Can anyone offer any advice? I would be really grateful.

Could she have backed out by text because she’s frightened of your reaction?
Sounds like you had a tantrum then a sulk followed by a letter that might not have been too pleasant

I can fully understand you feeling put out at them cancelling on you with no real explanation – especially after you’d made travel plans and booked time off from work.

I think it was probably a mistake to go round there for the day feeling pissed off and resentful. Can totally understand you feeling upset, but this will obviously have made things far worse and given them reason to feel aggrieved. Imagine family coming to your home on Christmas Day and creating a weird atmosphere by sulking and being off with you – when you’ve put yourself out by hosting and want your kids to have a special day.

Don’t understand why a poster upthread has said writing a letter is weird – I think this wasn’t a bad way to apologise and give them time and space to process what you’ve said. I suppose the difficult bit is that the ball is in their court now and they may take their time to respond.

Frustrating as it is, I think you have to give them some space now and let the dust settle a bit. I think for them it’s probably damaged their trust in the relationship and will take some time to rebuild things. I’m sure you’ll be back on speaking terms at some point. You’ve said your piece, you can’t rush them, you just have to allow them space.

I hope I'm wrong about this and I apologise if I am, but it sounds like you gave them the "silent but deadly treatment" while a guest in their home. If you did, I don't blame them for not wanting to speak to you again.

People who use this passive-aggressive strategy rarely do it as a one-off. It sounds like you might have form and your behaviour at Christmas was the straw that broke the camel's back.

A member of my family came to stay with us for Christmas a few years ago and gave me the SBD treatment while she was here, because I refused to comply with an unreasonable demand she made of me. It wasn't the first time she's behaved this way (in fact she's been doing it my whole life), but on this occasion I saw red. I was furious that she thought it was OK to treat me like it while a guest in our home and to spoil Christmas for my family and me because she wasn't getting everything her own way.

We had bent over backwards to make her stay as enjoyable as possible and she rewarded our hospitality with her toxic and abusive behaviour (because that is what SBD treatment is).

Her relationship to me and other family members means that I still have to have some contact with her, but I keep it to a minimum (thankfully she lives over 800 miles away) and she will NEVER cross our threshold again.

Let’s try this again.

I haven’t made anything up.

I roll ‘over Christmas’ to mean staying over Christmas, including Christmas Day.

It doesn’t really matter. Either Op ruined a Christmas family event, sulking at the people hosting her. Or she ruined actual Christmas.

Both are PA behaviour and not usually done in isolation.

I have given my opinion. Not made anything up. You claimed you think the sister wanted her to be grinning and bowing. Is that made up or your opinion?

It was not Christmas day. It was not a tantrum or sulk. I was quieter than normal.

i wrote a letter afterwards to try to mend things, that's all.

i had asked her if she still wanted to get the property and was sure and she said '"yes, 100%' and booked the flights for all of us while we were on the phone. I then booked leave from my job and my husband turned down work for that week (he's freelance so lost quite a bit of money).

I do think we were both in the wrong.

We weren't staying there by the way.

I think trust has been damaged on both sides.

She probably was very keen but on crunching the numbers further down the line changed her mind which she was free to do. Appreciate your husband lost money and it was frustrating to have the rug pulled out from underneath you, but if you were prepared to purchase a holiday home in the area you could have just treated it like a holiday. Expecting an apology is a bit much. Is there not anywhere in your budget, or did you need their investment?

If you were ‘just a bit quiet’ then what was there to apologise for?

"Just a bit quiet" is exactly how my toxic family member would justify the SBD treatment. "You upset me so much I struggle to speak."

People don't cut off close family members for being "a bit quiet". Ignoring someone or being "a bit quiet" because you are angry or disappointed in them is toxic behaviour. If you think it is an acceptable way to deal with conflict you are going to lose more people you think you are close to.