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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop talking to friend FTM

41 replies

Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 10:42

I had a very close friend I socialised with most weeks up until last year when she unexpectedly found out she was pregnant. She went radio silent before revealing this so I hadn’t heard from her for a few weeks when she told me the news however I congratulated her and was genuinely happy.

Im childfree but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a friendship lost just because we wouldn’t be going for drinks anymore so I asked her a ton of times to meet up but I haven’t seen her since before she announced her pregnancy.

She had the baby earlier in the year, I sent a big congratulations and said I was looking forward to catching up with her when she was recovered, that I would go To her house to make it easier if or I could meet her wherever was best for her. Shes on mat leave and had told me she can meet up pretty much whenever so Every month or so I tell her when I am not working and to let me know what’s best for her. She’ll make a vague plan and then go silent in the days running up to plans and then tell me days after that she was just up the wall.

I 100% understand she is exhausted, had a baby, all of that. I have tried to be as accommodating and give space, leave plans to be minimal and flexible but it’s been 12 months and I’ve not even seen her for a 20 minute coffee. I struggle with friendships due to my autism and borderline personality disorder so

AIBU to just end this friendship? It really upsets me to get excited to see my friend but then it never happen. It’a gone from seeing her most weeks to not seeing her in a whole year.

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 29/07/2023 10:44

Yanbu at all to give up at this point

throwbacko2 · 29/07/2023 10:44

I 100% understand she is exhausted, had a baby, all of that. I have tried to be as accommodating and give space, leave plans to be minimal and flexible but it’s been 12 months and I’ve not even seen her for a 20 minute coffee. I struggle with friendships due to my autism and borderline personality disorder so

She doesn't want to see you. I'm sorry to sound harsh but that's the reality

AIBU to just end this friendship? It really upsets me to get excited to see my friend but then it never happen. It’a gone from seeing her most weeks to not seeing her in a whole year.

She has already ended it.

TwelfthGiraffe · 29/07/2023 10:45

I wouldn’t end it as such but I’d stop putting in the effort. You’ve made it clear you’d like to see her, ball is in her court.

caerdydd12 · 29/07/2023 10:46

I agree with a pp, she's already ended it in my opinion. If you went radio silent now I don't think you'd hear from her again.

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:48

I wonder whether she sees you as her partying friend and is struggling to see how you’ll fit in her life in another role now that her priorities have changed. Although I do think that this is very much her issue because you sound like you’ve been very supportive and accepting of her changed priorities.

I don’t think you’d be at all unreasonable to let this friendship just drift away.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 10:48

Time goes fast for new mums. And she will have new friends with babies. This means shares interest. Also meeting friends with babies gives her a rest because babies like being around each other.

Its hard having no experience to offer about the only thing she now cares about.

Keep in touch. Ask about the child. It may be years before she comes up for breath.

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 10:49

Maybe babysit when the child is a little older?

Unicorn2022 · 29/07/2023 10:53

Did you ever ask if you could come over and meet the new baby? Did you send a baby gift or congratulate her and make a fuss? Or are you always asking about when she can meet up socially, to resume the friendship as it used to be?

DojaPhat · 29/07/2023 10:55

If all that has happened is as you say above then unless you've always secretly been passionately in love with her what's your problem? Confused

BellsMoon · 29/07/2023 11:01

Some harsh replies here, OP.

She's actually not being a good friend here, and hasn't been since she found out she was pregnant. Time to let go and move on. Flowers

Emmamoo89 · 29/07/2023 11:15

Let go and move on. X

Original poster
Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 11:19

I have tried to take in the many experiences women post about on here and remember that.

I absolutely made a fuss of her baby, said I was excited to meet them. But from posts I’ve seen on here of women saying People make a fuss of babies and forget about the mother, I tried to make a point that I wasn’t just eager to see a fresh newborn baby but that I valued my friend too.

Friend will be the one who messages me saying “I’m sorry I’ve been so shit, I’ve been up the wall etc”. I struggle with my mental health and asd so I can understand how mental load affects friendships and did not want to abandon her if she was just feeling overwhelmed.

Im more sad because I really consciously tried to do what I thought was best. Giving her space to recover but letting her know I am still around and that I value her friendship and it wasn’t just about getting eyes on the shiny new baby.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 11:23

I wonder whether she sees you as her partying friend and is struggling to see how you’ll fit in her life in another role now that her priorities have changed.

We actually were friends for many years and did things that weren’t drinking. After lockdown we just ended up having a bit of a party phase as we’d all been cooped so long, were child free and had stressful jobs and it was a nice outlet to go have a few glasses of wine on the weekend. But it definitely wasn’t what the friendship was built on.

Maybe babysit when the child is a little older?

If my friend ever needed me to, I absolutely would but babysitting her child isn’t actually seeing her?

OP posts:
Mummy08m · 29/07/2023 11:38

Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 11:19

I have tried to take in the many experiences women post about on here and remember that.

I absolutely made a fuss of her baby, said I was excited to meet them. But from posts I’ve seen on here of women saying People make a fuss of babies and forget about the mother, I tried to make a point that I wasn’t just eager to see a fresh newborn baby but that I valued my friend too.

Friend will be the one who messages me saying “I’m sorry I’ve been so shit, I’ve been up the wall etc”. I struggle with my mental health and asd so I can understand how mental load affects friendships and did not want to abandon her if she was just feeling overwhelmed.

Im more sad because I really consciously tried to do what I thought was best. Giving her space to recover but letting her know I am still around and that I value her friendship and it wasn’t just about getting eyes on the shiny new baby.

It's nothing you did wrong. Your friend is a flake.

I also have a child-free "partying" friend, call her X - not even a best friend - who I wasn't sure if I'd see much after having dd. Like you, she texted me lots and was keen to meet up and she was actually the first friend I saw just one week postpartum! Before dd even met her grandparents! Like you, X texted me and asked if I'd like her to come over, or meet somewhere else etc. So she came over when dd was only a week old and I just breastfed semi naked on the sofa with my painful c-section wound, while we had a ready meal, and she told me all her Tinder woes. We've actually got closer, she's still my partying friend in my head even though I hardly ever go out-out with her any more!

If your friend wanted to see you, she would. For some reason she doesn't, but that's nothing you've done wrong - my friend X did all the same things as you and I appreciated it no end.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/07/2023 11:41

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 10:49

Maybe babysit when the child is a little older?

What on earth would be the point of that? How would she see her friend if her friend is out and she's babysitting?

justgettingthroughtheday · 29/07/2023 11:46

Unicorn2022 · 29/07/2023 10:53

Did you ever ask if you could come over and meet the new baby? Did you send a baby gift or congratulate her and make a fuss? Or are you always asking about when she can meet up socially, to resume the friendship as it used to be?

@Unicorn2022 did you even read the OP? The answers to your questions are literally in the OP!!!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 29/07/2023 11:49

For me, when I had a very young baby, everything was 100% about my baby and I think if I had had a friend who only asked about me and not the baby I would have felt a bit put out that my friend wasn't interested in the thing that was most important to me.

I think that friendships do change over the years but also that it's worth just keeping in touch in the background eg by text, Facebook etc

I had a few long term friends in the background of my life for years but I really didn't do much friendship-wise when I had very young DC, and had also temporary mum-friends during the primary school years, but had quite a few years where I didn't have a real connection with some longer term friends - in many cases as they had had their children before me and were back on to a 'retrieving their life' stage which I hadn't yet reached.

Anyway, fast forward a few years and most of my older friendships have now reconnected and are all appreciated.

Not suggesting this is right, or that this is how your friend feels, just what happened in my life .

5128gap · 29/07/2023 11:50

If by 'ending the friendship' you mean should you send a message announcing 'it's over' then no.
If you mean should you mentally adjust your expectations of her as a friend, then yes, for now at least.
I've found that over a lifetime friendships wax and wane depending on life circumstances. People you've drifted apart from will frequently reconnect. If no one has done any huge deal breaking deed, I see no need to close the door on them by 'ending' things. You like this woman, you had a lot in common once. Your personalities won't have changed, so there's every chance you could be friends again in future.
Personally I'd give up suggesting things and drop contact to the occasional message just to keep in touch.

BubziOwl · 29/07/2023 11:51

I think it's often best to give people the benefit of the doubt. It's very possible that her mental health is suffering, not that she doesn't actually want to see you as PP say.

However, I think you've been kind and patient. and I don't think its your responsibility to keep making the effort just to get repeatedly rebuffed - you have feelings too!

You say you were very close. My very closest friends are the type where I'm also very friendly with their parents and immediate family. So if one of those friends were behaving as your friend is, it would probably come up in conversation when I see their mum and she'd tell me what's going on! But I don't know if that's the type of friendship you have.

If not, you could message one more time to try and organise something and if she does the same again just leave the last message as something open, encouraging her to get in touch when she's ready. If she is struggling with her mental health then that might be helpful for her to rebuild her relationships in the future. If she isn't struggling and is in fact just very self absorbed and doesn't care about the friendship, then yes she will probably not take you up on it but no harm done in you leaving the friendship on a pleasant note.

Of course, that's only if you want to leave the relationship open. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to all to just let it drift. You've tried hard enough.

You sound very thoughtful and kind, OP, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend I'm sure! I don't think there's any need to leave anything with bad blood, just do what's best for you and let this one go if need be x

crapactually · 29/07/2023 11:51

Olderandolder · 29/07/2023 10:48

Time goes fast for new mums. And she will have new friends with babies. This means shares interest. Also meeting friends with babies gives her a rest because babies like being around each other.

Its hard having no experience to offer about the only thing she now cares about.

Keep in touch. Ask about the child. It may be years before she comes up for breath.

I hate this attitude. She's a shitty friend, let's call it what it is.

If she wanted to keep in touch she would.

Original poster
Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 12:16

Anyway, fast forward a few years and most of my older friendships have now reconnected and are all appreciated.

I did mention but not go into depth that because of my BPD and autism I have black and white thinking. I cannot do having people in the background, they’re either in my life or they aren’t. I don’t mean that I have to see someone every day but my relationships to people need to be clearly defined and the constant ‘let’s do something next week’ and then not doing something from her is more stressful to me than the average person.

OP posts:
morejumpingfrogs · 29/07/2023 12:24

BellsMoon · 29/07/2023 11:01

Some harsh replies here, OP.

She's actually not being a good friend here, and hasn't been since she found out she was pregnant. Time to let go and move on. Flowers

Agreed. I hate it when Mums are only about babies - the world doesn't disappear just because you give birth!

And yes, I have children myself.

DojaPhat · 29/07/2023 12:34

@Wednesdia As you are very aware that your way of perceiving things isn't how others would or at least not to the extent that you do, is the issue therein not the friendship but the struggle you're experiencing trying to reconcile with your perception of the situation? It's hard, I understand but it seems you've fixated on this to the point you've sort of made it more than what it is or needs to be.

FarmGirl78 · 29/07/2023 12:43

Unicorn2022 · 29/07/2023 10:53

Did you ever ask if you could come over and meet the new baby? Did you send a baby gift or congratulate her and make a fuss? Or are you always asking about when she can meet up socially, to resume the friendship as it used to be?

This!

OP, I noticed you asked her when she would be free to meet up with you. Did you ask her when could you go round to meet her baby? To you it might be the same outcome (you get to see your friend) but to your friend it's a world of difference.

Original poster
Wednesdia · 29/07/2023 12:53

DojaPhat · 29/07/2023 12:34

@Wednesdia As you are very aware that your way of perceiving things isn't how others would or at least not to the extent that you do, is the issue therein not the friendship but the struggle you're experiencing trying to reconcile with your perception of the situation? It's hard, I understand but it seems you've fixated on this to the point you've sort of made it more than what it is or needs to be.

I have never understood this type of reply on mumsnet. ‘You seem fixated’ ‘you seem overly invested’

Ive made a thread about it but that doesn’t mean I’m fixated on it spending every minute of every day giving it thought.

OP posts:
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