To stop talking to friend FTM

[Wednesdia]

I had a very close friend I socialised with most weeks up until last year when she unexpectedly found out she was pregnant. She went radio silent before revealing this so I hadn’t heard from her for a few weeks when she told me the news however I congratulated her and was genuinely happy.

Im childfree but I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a friendship lost just because we wouldn’t be going for drinks anymore so I asked her a ton of times to meet up but I haven’t seen her since before she announced her pregnancy.

She had the baby earlier in the year, I sent a big congratulations and said I was looking forward to catching up with her when she was recovered, that I would go To her house to make it easier if or I could meet her wherever was best for her. Shes on mat leave and had told me she can meet up pretty much whenever so Every month or so I tell her when I am not working and to let me know what’s best for her. She’ll make a vague plan and then go silent in the days running up to plans and then tell me days after that she was just up the wall.

I 100% understand she is exhausted, had a baby, all of that. I have tried to be as accommodating and give space, leave plans to be minimal and flexible but it’s been 12 months and I’ve not even seen her for a 20 minute coffee. I struggle with friendships due to my autism and borderline personality disorder so

AIBU to just end this friendship? It really upsets me to get excited to see my friend but then it never happen. It’a gone from seeing her most weeks to not seeing her in a whole year.

Did you not read any of my posts as I clearly said I did.

I said In the same message of congratulating her on the birth that I would visit her and meet the baby when she was ready for visitors.

She actually has said she would like to meet up without the baby several times so that we can actually catch up. I’ve always made it clear that I can accommodate whatever she needs, that including bringing baby if she needs to. I would love to meet the baby, she knows this. I just don’t make it solely about the baby which is what I’ve seen women on this site express they would have liked hundreds of times.

@Wednesdia Not in that context, I apologise if it seemed that way intended. I'm referring to when you say as a result of being having BPD and autism, it's likely that you are more susceptible to fixating on seemingly 'small' issues which then escalate to seem a big problem in a way which others typically would not. Thereby suggesting that is your difficulty more about struggling to reconcile these two frames (of mind).

Sounds like you’ve been very accommodating and understanding of her role as a new mum. Sadly I think maybe she is choosing to distance from you or dealing with some other issue (PPD/anxiety/tiredness) that is making her distant. Either way I don’t think there is anything else you can do.

In your shoes I’d maybe send one more text along the lines of “I know you’ve not been able to meet up the last few times we’ve arranged
due to being up the wall. It would be great to meet up with or without baby. Get in touch when you are less up the wall if you want to meet up”.

Then I’d leave it totally in her court. No more messages.

(FYI I don’t really know what ‘up the wall’ means 😂)

In ‘years’ all the friends she’s ditched will have moved on.

Did you not read any of my posts as I clearly said I did.

@Wednesdia obviously I read at least one of your posts.... But just the first one. My bad.

She could be really struggling. When my eldest was a year old I was a right mess. She had obstructive sleep apnoea and we were on a waiting list to see a specialist, but in the meantime she was waking screaming every 30 minutes and had to be watched at all times as she'd stop breathing. I'd just gone back to work 2 days a week, but that meant leaving the house at 5am.

The sleep deprivation nearly broke me. I saw other mum friends at baby groups, but I hardly saw my old friends - I couldn't bear them to see how tired and run down I was. Sadly, I've never recovered many of those friendships as those people quite understandably moved on with their lives.

Or she might be totally fine, but just not be on the same page as you any more. She may have moved on but not want t hurt your feelings (and be going about that the wrong way).

Time will tell. She might give you a straight answer if you ask her directly, but she might not.

Look after yourself. Don't keep offering if it makes you feel bad, keep up as much contact as is beneficial and pleasant to you. You've stood by her for a year.

I think this will be the case.

I think I’ve done as much as I can to be available when she is able. But even before the baby was born, she had 9 months to meet up with me and didn’t.

Ive made the effort, it’s not being reciprocated. Her words don’t turn into actions.

Someone who valued me as a friend would have managed one hour in the space of a year but she hasn’t even been able to do that.

To clarify, I’m not always the first to text. She will text me and try to make plans but then they never happen for some reason or other relating to her or she goes off the radar.

@justgettingthroughtheday yes I did read the OP!

It says "... I sent a big congratulations and said I was looking forward to catching up with her when she was recovered, that I would go To her house to make it easier if or I could meet her wherever was best for her.

There is no mention of wanting to see the baby, just wanting to catch up with friend, hence why I asked. But the OP has since confirmed that she did say she wanted to meet the baby.

You sound great op, wish I'd had such a thoughtful and considerate friend when I was a new mum!!!
I think you've made it clear that you're interested and willing to accommodate any flexibility needed to fit round her new situation... I wouldn't write her off yet since she does contact you also, but I would just sit back and leave the ball in her court.
If she doesn't make it happen then you'll have your answer.
Good luck and fwiw I think the care you've shown is lovely and anyone would be lucky to have that.

You’ve done nothing wrong. There’s been some weird as shit replies on this thread.

‘Might be years before she comes up for breath….’ ??? What?!

She’s had a baby. That’s it. It’s a big deal to the parents, sure, but the world does not stop. It doesn’t excuse being a shitty friend.

I go by actions, and if she's been flaky then in my mind the friendship would be over.

What does up the wall mean?

I never realised ‘up the wall’ must be a regional saying until this thread?!😂

up the wall means really busy, lots going on, chaotic

Down here it's used as in 'He's driving me up the wall' meaning annoying

This. You've been very thoughtful, considerate and accommodating. To me it just sounds like your friend is a bit of a dick with her head up her own arse

I've got two best friends who've had children while I've had none; they wanted to meet up throughout their pregnancies & when their babies were young even though they had partners & new 'mummy' friends.
Often I had to see them most of the time with their babies / toddlers but none of us minded it was just good to catch up; at the very least once a month, sometimes 3 x a month.

I still went out with my single childless friends but now their children are slightly older my other friends can leave the kids to stay with partners / ex-husbands while they come out and socialise if they want a night out.

I think what I'm saying is that even if you don't have babies in common you can still stay very good friends.
Your friend is just rubbish I'm sorry OP.