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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been used ?

35 replies

dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:00

Hello.
Im really struggling to process a situation that has happened to me and I'd really appreciate y your opinions as I have none to talk to about this.

I met a man in line in late May.
He had only just ended things with his partner of eighteen months.
Their relationship was acrimonious to say the least.
He said that there was jealousy on both sides and that the major issue in their relationship was that she would not give up her friendships with her exes. These exes were married men who continued to sext her and they continued to meet regularly.
Please bear in mind that these are his words.

We met up every week for walks, dinners, nights away , activities.
He was affectionate , decent , funny and seemed a solid and nice guy.
We're late forties , busy and full lives so this suited us .

Through all of this his ex was ringing and texting. She was very upset and then became nasty so he blocked her.
He told me all of this when I asked.
He felt massive guilt for ending it with her as she has a lot of problems and wanted them to move in together but he was 100% sure it was over for them.
He didn't want this.
They are both divorced .

A few weeks ago I had two days free where I could see him before I left for a week working overseas.
He couldn't commit to meeting that week due to work so I didn't ask again. We didn't meet.
We spoke every day in the phone and texted throughout the days .

His ex contacted him on a another phone asking him to do favours for her as she wasn't in a position to do them herself.
He did that and they were back in contact talking and reminiscing.He felt awful but determined that the relationship is fully over .

I felt quite disrespected that he was telling me this and basically said that in my world, exes belong in the past as they just create trust issues.
He said that he couldn't just stop contact, that she was in a very bad place and he felt awful.
He chose to stay in contact with her until things settled down. So I chose to leave the table so to speak.

We spoke and decided that when things settle down we may meet again and see where we are both at .

He has a stressful life with big family responsibilities , health issues and coupled with finishing a toxic relationship is in no position to start something. Neither am I .

But I'm bemused and confused here.
I seem to be able to see the wood for the trees.
What are your thoughts on what happened here?

OP posts:
Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:07

*not to be able to see the wood for the trees !

OP posts:
Changingplace · 29/07/2023 10:11

Far too much drama, he sounds like a teenager not a man in his 40s, I’d chuck this one back and move on.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:13

Thanks@Changingplace . Do you think he was using me to get over his ex?

OP posts:
User63847484848 · 29/07/2023 10:16

I think you showed strong boundaries.
it sounds very messy and hassle you could do without.
All the ex stuff was making you uncomfortable and it wasn’t working for you so you rightly called it a day.

KitchenSinkLlama · 29/07/2023 10:19

OP. Deep down I think you know full well he was using you. The motivation is only known to him (was it to feel better himself or to get at his ex)?

Sadly you have been unwittingly dragged into an unhealthy relationship. At least it was only a couple of months, but still not nice.

Onwards and upwards. 💐

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:19

Thank you@User63847484848 . We both called it off. He definitely didn't want to continue either. But he said it was because he didn't want to drag me down with him.

The whole idea was for us to have fun and joy , away from all of this mess but it turned into a situation where all of his problems, and to be fair, he has many many issues, became the sole focus of our time together.

I liked him and would have continued to see him apart from the ramblings of his tormented mind .

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 29/07/2023 10:22

Who cares what he is doing and why? He obviously doesn't respect you. I wouldn't go back to a man like him if you paid me. You should find someone that is able to make you a priority over ex partners.

Flamingnorahs · 29/07/2023 10:26

Please don't waste any more time thinking about this guy and wondering if you were used or not. He's not worth your energy. Forget and move on.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:28

Thanks. I think what's worrying me is that I just 'can't see' what happened . Does that make sense ? I've never been treated like that before.
At one stage he said he'd contact me when he'd manage to cease contact with his ex !!!!!
Talk about an ego!
That's when I stepped away fully.

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 29/07/2023 10:31

The major issue in his previous relationship is that she wouldn't give up contact with her exes, and he's now doing the exact same thing.... And he doesn't see the irony of this?

This is some highschool nonsense. He's in his 40's! He should have outgrown this kind of bullshit 20 years ago.

You're well rid OP he sounds a nightmare.

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:31

So he did to you exactly what his ex did to him? I think you’ve had a lucky escape. The pair of them sound ridiculously dramatic and he sounds incredibly selfish for dating you before he was ready to move on from his ex.

We both called it off. He definitely didn't want to continue either. But he said it was because he didn't want to drag me down with him. I’m always slightly suspicious of those people who end relationships that they want to be in for purely altruistic reasons. I suspect he wanted to end it because he wasn’t being entirely truthful with you when he said it was over with his ex.

Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:34

We spoke and decided that when things settle down we may meet again and see where we are both at So you’re his Plan B in case things don’t work out with the ex?Sod that for a game of soldiers!

Wat2do222 · 29/07/2023 10:35

He sounds like a complicated conflicted person, at this stage in life this is not what you need. You want fun, solid and fulfilling. I don't think you'll ever get to the bottom of what his deal is as its sounds like he doesn't even know! Addicted to drama, emotionally immature, attention seeking who knows. It's a shame but you good for you exercising your boundaries!

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:36

He seemed absolutely sure they wouldn't reconcile.
Lots of reasons but the main one being his family and especially his kids couldn't stand her and because they are so close, he wouldn't risk losing that bond again.
That's my opinion anyway.

OP posts:
Nagado · 29/07/2023 10:42

Well yes, he would say that, wouldn’t he?

LakeTiticaca · 29/07/2023 10:45

You did the right thing. He was honest with about his ex and being in contact.
You really don't need the spectre of a clingy ex haunting your relationship for years to come.
Go and and find someone with less baggage

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 10:52

The funny thing is... I didn't want a full blown relationship. I still don't. With anyone .
I suppose I've never been treated like that before. I've never been told that I would be contacted when he would be finished contact with his ex, regardless of the reasons. I found that so disrespectful which is why I had to ask if posters felt I had been used as an interim thing or a revenge thing or was I used at all. Was I just unlucky to meet a conflicted and confused man straight after the breakup of a very toxic relationship .
Possibly confused is probably how I'm feeling.

OP posts:
WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/07/2023 11:00

It's clear that whatever he says, he isn't done with the ex. You've absolutely done the right thing walking away.

samestyle · 29/07/2023 11:01

You're well rid, never get involved with men that have ex's still ringing them, it sounds incredibly toxic, probably an on/off relationship he has, and enjoys the ego boost of seeing a new woman in the mix, far too messy.

WhineWhineWhineWINE · 29/07/2023 11:01

That's not to say he's going to go back to her. He just hasn't emotionally disengaged enough yet to be with anyone else. He may never get there.

Kitkatcatflap · 29/07/2023 11:09

I think you are reading too much into this, it's not you it's him - he is all over the shop. Admitted jealousy, wanted to ban his ex from contact with her exes then starts a new 'relationship' whilst still being emeshed with ex.

I suspect this man loves the drama, if you scratch the surface there will be plenty of it his past. Two things I have learnt about people who love high drama, one is that they complain about the drama but then actively seek it out - like this man blocking his ex then running errands for her and saying he can't ignore her. And two, they assume other people love their drama. I bet in his head, he broke it off with you because he has to save his ex, and you are alone weeping and clutching your pearls ...... hence, I will contact you when things are over with my ex. Drama, drama, drama.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:13

He will in his fuck contact me !
I've deleted his number now and I don't know what it is so that's that.
Great post also pp. you are correct .
He just text earlier so I replied with a nice big take car and a waving hand .
Pretty sure he'll get the message .

OP posts:
ChesterAndRaoul · 29/07/2023 11:13

He's spent a long time with this person feeling insecure and feeling inferior to her exes, and now he's trying to move on she is contacting him and asking him for things, he suddenly feels needed and wanted by the person who has made him feel less than and that has inspired second thoughts about actually moving on.

She is using him, and although I suspect he was genuinely trying to move on, she has hooked him back in and now he feels like it might not be over between them.

From what you've said I definitely don't think he set out to use you, although it ended that way.

Saschka · 29/07/2023 11:14

I don’t think it really matters whether he consciously used you or not - he clearly wasn’t over his ex, or ready for a relationship, and I’d put £5 on him getting back together with her before too long, whatever he says about that right now.

Well done for dumping him, try to forget about him and move onto somebody else.

Original poster
dovestail · 29/07/2023 11:17

@ChesterAndRaoul Interesting point. She would regularly get her exes to run errands for her or do odd jobs , that he could have easily done. She has several exes on the hook for odd jobs which according to her turned into sexting .

OP posts: