AIBU to be this upset DP didn’t ask about job interviews I have?

[smellysmiles]

DP & I decided to take some space from meeting almost two weeks ago but agreed to keep in touch by text. We don’t live together but spend anywhere from 1-3 days together per week since we became a couple as I work further away & unable to relocate permanently.

For context, he admitted he was feeling depressed and was beginning to feel the time constraints on finishing a large project he’s working on that is due shortly. I ended up feeling burnt out because I was putting so much time & energy into trying to help DP but he didn’t appreciate it and wanted to wallow, so I suggested we take some time apart for him to prioritise his own mental health & project. (I had a post on Relationships regarding this where DP made an apt with his Dr to discuss his depression but instead went to the DR & spoke about everything else except his depression).

In the meantime, I agreed to help with his CV & sent it to recruiters on his behalf, also sharing jobs he would be interested or experienced for. I queried had he heard anything back & he said he hasn’t checked his emails or applied for any positions because despite hating his job to the extent where he holds it accountable for his depression, he “doesn’t currently have the time” to interview for any new positions.

While on the topic, I mentioned to DP I have two job interviews next week & he never queried what they were for, when exactly they were, or why I was even considering moving jobs. He honestly didn’t even ask a single detail about either job. AIBU to feel upset by this?

I love DP but since we haven’t seen each other I feel a bit numb yet so exhausted. I’m here trying to better my own life and encourage him too, doing things to aid that, yet I can’t even be shown any interest in two jobs interviews I have next week !!!

Apart of me feelings like I’m overreacting but the other part is telling me to get out while I can.

Yes and no...

Yes, a good partner would be curious and ask.

No, because some people (my wife for one), get very moody when you ask because they feel talking about it jinxes their chances. It somehow makes it real for her, and saying it went well is like putting a curse on it.

I couldn't get past you sending his c.v. to recruiters on his behalf. Why are you babying him?

Both jobs interviews are scheduled for next week & my issue is that he didn’t even ask what they were for & when they were on.

Like, I said I had two interviews next week & he just said “ok” and changed the topic of conversation.

I’m a big chatterbox & he knows this (everyone who knows me knows this) so I wouldn’t be moody if he asked any qs

I previously worked in recruitment in my early 20s & know of the better recruiters for job roles within his field so said I would help out, & I subconsciously knew he wouldn’t of sent them on to recruiters (considering he didn’t apply for the vacancies I shared with him). He holds his current job responsible for his depression & as said, I tried to help him, & apart of this was encouraging and helping him to find a new job.

It sounds like he’s not in a place to accept help. He’s obviously very stressed and overwhelmed.

If I were you I’d back off for a bit - focus on yourself and leave him be.

Yeah imo this was a big overstep. Dh and I are very close but I'd never do this - the furthest I'd go is chat to him and encourage him to look at options. We wouldn't even browse job listings for the other person, its just too overbearing.

Your (op's) dp maybe has too much on his plate (or on his mind) right now to have headspace for thinking about your well being and career prospects. I'd also be pretty pissed off about that but only you know if the relationship is otherwise good enough to keep up with.

It's really his choice whether or not to apply to other jobs though. Unless he actually asked you to do this for him, I think it crossed a line.

It's the difference between encouraging your DP to seek counselling and actually booking him an appt with a counsellor. The first is OK, normal, supportive. The second is overbearing and almost controlling

Just to clarify - I asked for her permission first & if he was ok with this. I also shared his CV with him & he said he was happy with it and ok for me to email it on. If he said no I wouldn’t of!

Cross posted with this - I understand, ignore what I said about being controlling!!

It's ever so needy of him to ask you to do it, instead of doing it himself. I'd lose respect for my dh if he was so dependent

I imagine he is feeling too overwhelmed to think about interviews, be it his or yours. You trying to move things on by sending out his cv won't help as you will just end up disappointed. He needs to feel well enough to do it himself. You need to give him space as agreed and stop taking things so personally.

Judge him by this action not his words. I dont think he really wants to move jobs, he is just fed up and perhaps using that as an excuse to not engage with you?

I suspect the reason he hasn't asked about your jobs is because that would open the door to discussions on his jobs applications..plus if he isn't getting interviews he might not want to talk about it.

I don't think you are on the same page with the relationship.

Dh and I help each other at times like if he asked I would read his cv and provide suggestions that is perfectly normal to me

Sending it off for him is over stepping

With your thinking I don't think he will ever match what you are looking for

I haven't suffered from depression, but I have suffered from burnout and stress-induced anxiety, and the idea of having someone acting as a chipper, proactive, demanding cheerleader like this by my side turns me cold.

I actually had a health coaching app that was successful initially, but the coach was so determined that I KEEP A DIARY! MAKE POSITIVE STEPS! TRY THIS OTHER THING I DON'T ENJOY! that I found the help oppressive and counterproductive.

This isn't to say that you are a bad person trying to do a bad thing, but my advice would be to stop with the amateur life coaching and start just being his partner again. The one who doesn't make him feel like he has to meet a set of objectives.

My husband was an absolute treasure, as were a couple of my best friends. And another friend - she was like you. And she drove me fucking mental, however well-meaningly.

Sorry, to answer your AIBU - you're not unreasonable to be upset, but you need to understand that you can't solve his problems for you, and his depression is something that you need to learn to deal with or choose not to. Which includes a lack of drive, and a lack of external interest.

I agree with this - when I'm depressed or even just down, the last thing I need is someone to chivvy me out of it.

I have griped about my job in the past and I'd be seriously unimpressed if anyone nagged me to take steps to quit and pushed me when I wasn't taking those steps. Sometimes one should be allowed to just vent and the stressful period resolves itself in time.

But it may well be a personality type thing. My mum loves wellness journals and life goals and self-betterment.

I don't want self-betterment. When I'm down I just need to wallow for a bit and then gradually cheer up and carry on. No doubt I become a self-centred wife for a bit, but I apologise and make up for it once the situation improves. Maybe op's dp is more like that.

As I said above, only op knows if he's overall worth it. Dh reckons I'm overall worth it.

If you were in recruitment for many years would you really have accepted a CV sent in by someone's girlfriend? Unless you sent it from his email account it will have gone straight in the bin. If he's not even able to send out CVs he will hardly be up for interview prep and attendance.

It all sounds like very hard work. I also think it's up to him to apply for new jobs. If he's involved in a project delivery it's not the right time anyway.

Personally I'd cut my losses.

Again, to clarify, I haven’t tried to act like DPs life coach. When he opened up about his depression, all I did was hold him & listen, we spoke about counselling and his experience with it - and I reassured him that if he wanted to go, he would make that decision in his own time without anyone’s influence, and he booked an apt with the Dr on his own initiative. If you read the post I had on Relationships you’ll see this.

His sister encouraged DP to find a new job and said he will go mad if he stays there any longer & I agreed, it’s a very sexist and homophobic workplace and DP is actually picked on for his families religious beliefs. On his own initiative, DP decided to fix his CV but became frustrated with this and asked if I could help - I clarified if he meant he actually wanted guidance or for me to do it, and he asked if I could do his CV - previously worked as a recruiter - so I said yes. Once completed, I shared it with him and asked if he had any changes or wanted me to include anything, he said he was happy with it & to leave as is.

I then asked what jobs he would like - and mentioned the names of recruiters who specialise in these sectors - and said he could send his CV to them but also sent him jobs in those sectors independently published so he would be reassured people were actively hiring & for a salary guide. I then asked DP if he wanted me to send his CV on to recruiters and he said yes that would actually help.

Before I leave, I make sure the house is tidy & he has a decent homemade meal to eat as he is just grabbing ready meals midweek & not taking care of himself (he has mouth ulcers from the stress). Before I do anything, I ask, I make sure he’s ok and I have his consent - I don’t “surprise” him with any of my actions & he’s also aware he can say no to things.

I check in to see how he is but I don’t pry. I ordered him a book I read & enjoyed but that’s about the only thing I’ve done that could be “life coaching”. Besides that, I am just a partner to DP. I have put so much energy & time into caring and encouraging him he is skilled and reassuring him things will get better (while listening) and now I am burnt out.

I feel DP doesn’t give me the support - and would argue he doesn’t even listen to ne all the time (but does any man?). He knows where I work currently and what sector it is but doesn’t actually know what I do (despite telling him weekly, and sharing news of a promotion with him) & now hasn’t asked about either interview next week so I do feel upset.

Most recruiters now have a portal on their website to send CVS - you don’t send them by email but through the portal and can include your contact info there (and I included his). So they weren’t aware it came from anyone but himself!

See my recent response.

I absolutely hate wellness journals & self development books, and have a friend who loves these and preaches they’re the way to “take back control of your life” - I tried and hated this! Unless I disliked someone I would never encourage or recommend the above

I have put so much energy & time into caring and encouraging him

Honestly, don't do this any more. I don't think it's helping him and it's not good for your wellbeing and it's also not good for your romantic relationship.

Also - I asked if he wanted to take the time we have together for himself (usually our days off) to work on his project and he said yes. He feels he can’t not spend time with me when I’m there - even though I reassured him he can but he likes our time together to be spent together (not on phones etc). So I’ve really tried to be as supportive and understanding of his situation as I can.

This sounds like flogging a dead horse. It sounds like you're a mum not a partner. I couldn't be with someone who didn't care about me whatever the reason.

I would genuinely feel totally overwhelmed if I was him the way you are acting

Agree with the poster above. He's a grown assed man wallowing in self pity. You want a partner, not a project. Your actions come from the right place but if you want your relationship to thrive you need to back off and let him sort his shit out, otherwise you'll set up a really unhealthy dynamic.

It's not unreasonable to expect your partner to take an interest in your going's on. Good luck with your interviews.

I'm not unsympathetic to MH issues. If he is depressed, he needs to address it. It sounds like he's aware of what to do but won't take action. It's got to come from him.